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tagalog hope
Elder Ward: I think eventually I’m going to love the language, but it’s going to be a lot of work to get there. Right now I’m still totally lost.
Me: (gasping for air before the shock takes over) Tell me more.
Elder Ward: It’s like math. If you turned math into a language, I think you’d end up with Tagalog.
TOTAL WIN!!!!!!!And here is a cute picture of our super strong missionary holding his three sisters the day we dropped him off.
loose-goosey ankles
I screamed “NOOOOOOOOO” on the way down.
Today I fell. Rolled my OTHER ankle and face-planted into the lobby at gym.
I think I’ll be okay. But right now I’m hurting. It’s been over 6 hours since I fell and I’m not crying anymore. I really do think it will be okay in a few days. But man alive, the fear that has seeped into my heart is pretty big. Fear of another injury. Fear of having another year like the year I just had. Fear of the pain. Fear of disappointing my family.
I’m super grateful for my gym teachers and families who took great care of me today and made me snow packs for ice and loved on me and got me home safe and sound.
I’m going to try super hard to go to Annesley’s play tonight, but it looks like it will be in my wheelchair.
Could you pray for healing? I’d so appreciate it.
everybody nose
Annesley is Zinnia, the Fairy Queen, and is a pro at putting the pompous prince in his place in the iFamily play, Everybody Nose. Oh my, it is hilarious! I love seeing her shine on stage!
In 2009, Rachel Keppner, started a homeschooling acting class in our area and Blythe joined and loved it! Since then other fantastic directors have stepped up to create magic in the lives of our youth and given thousands of hours to create theater experiences that bless both the actors and the community. I’m so grateful for all the directors and parents that have worked SO hard to bring these plays to life!
I think this is our 22nd play. It’s a ton of work AND a ton of fun. I always wonder if we are up to another play, but when performance week is over, my heart is always full to the brim with gratitude for the blessing of being able to join with other families and create amazing experiences for our kiddos.
in jesus’ arms
Banner day.
And crying day.
Both the days at the same time and in the same moment.
The banner day is that I walked into church for the first time today since April 5th! And then I walked to the chapel and to my class and back out to the car. My foot is getting more function and it’s amazing! I don’t know how much I can walk on it and will still be using my knee scooter sometimes and walking sometimes as we make the transition back to being a walking person. All I know is progress is being made!
The crying day is that it was our first Sunday at church without Fisher. I was doing pretty well until the priests started blessing the sacrament. Fisher has blessed the sacrament pretty much every Sunday since February 2, 2020. That first day he was terrified and it took him four times to get through the prayer properly. Since then he has grown in courage and capacity and it’s been so wonderful to see how God has worked in him. On his 18th birthday in September I thought it would be the last time he blessed the sacrament and bawled all the way through that prayer that I thought would be the last one. And then each week he kept being needed and I got to keep hearing him bless the bread or water. Every week during October, November, and December, I would cry a little as I was sure it was the last time I would hear him say those sacred words. Even at his farewell on January 1, he was needed to bless the sacrament and I loved hearing his strong voice bless the bread one last time.
And then today.
He wasn’t at the sacrament table in his blue suit and red beard.
Two new priests said the prayers and one of them needed to try again…and oh, the tears flowed as I remembered Fisher’s first time.
There is nowhere else I’d rather have him be than on a mission. I’m so proud of him, so excited for him, so grateful for his heart of faith and goodness…but none of that takes away the missing.
And I kid you not, right now as I am typing these words, his favorite hymn, “Savior, Redeemer of My Soul” started playing from my giant Sabbath playlist. Jesus knows just how to comfort me and is sending me a big hug.
So, I’m picturing him in Jesus’ arms since he is no longer in mine.
no sourdough for us!
Ummmmmmm.
Me: Richard, where is the jar of sourdough start?
Richard: What??? Oh man, is that what that was? I thought it was old smoothie rotting away in a jar.
Me: WHAT!!! Where is it?
Richard: Down the garbage disposal.
Me: Nooooooooo!
Richard: I‘m more upset than you are. I love sourdough so much. Does this mean you were going to start baking us sourdough bread again?
Me: Well, I was, but then you threw it away! And trust me, you are not more upset than I am.
Richard: I can’t believe I did that. What was I thinking?
Me to myself: Clearly I have a problem taking care of my dishes if my family members assume a beautiful ball of sourdough start is a disgusting pile of post-smoothie leftovers.
Sooooooo, I guess I won’t start making sourdough this week.
general conference for annes
General Conference is so dear to my heart. I love giving myself the gift of taking two days off from this world and spending time listening to the leaders of my church share messages of hope, love, and guidance. It is just what my soul needs every six months.
Two of the talks were the exact messages I needed to hear. Sister Yee and Elder Gong both spoke of the power of Jesus Christ in healing and strengthening families. This is my mission here on earth and their talks gave me tools I need in my own healing and the work I do with others.
Sister Yee said, “Over the years and in my efforts to find peace and healing on that path of forgiveness, I came to realize in a profound way that the same Son of God who atoned for my sins is the same Redeemer who will also save those who have deeply hurt me. I could not truly believe the first truth without believing the second.So did the Savior — in an incomprehensible way — take upon him our sins and the sins of those who have hurt or offended us. In Gethsemane and on the cross, he claimed these sins. He made a way for us to let go of a vengeful heart. That ‘way’ is through forgiving—which can be one of the most difficult things we ever do and one of the most divine things we ever experience. On the path of forgiveness, Jesus Christ’s atoning power can flow into our lives and begin to heal the deep crevasses of the heart and soul.”
When Elder Gong said, “A bent branch does not make a bad tree,” tears poured down my face. My family tree has a lot of bent branches, a lot of pain and sorrow and brokenness. Through Jesus Christ, that pain can be healed. He also said, “Temple ordinances do not of themselves change us or those in the spirit world, but these divine ordinances enable sanctifying covenants with the Lord, which can bring harmony with Him and each other.” I have been doing temple work for my ancestors for the past ten years. It is one of the greatest blessings of my life and many times I have felt the enabling power of temple covenants in healing my heart and those of my ancestors.
This time, we were given four precious tickets for the Sunday Afternoon session. I *really* wanted to attend as I have missed attending SO much the past few years with Covid restrictions. We knew Richard couldn’t attend as being in a room that big and with crowds of people would wear his brain right out. Keziah and Fisher and Annesley wanted to attend. Annesley wanted my mom to attend. Then Fisher and Keziah couldn’t go. Then I decided my body wouldn’t be able to handle it as I’m still really tuckered and sore from my injections last week, plus how on earth would I do with my knee scooter in the crowds of people? And would I have to sit in handicapped seating separate from my family? Or would they lose their awesome seats to sit with me? I didn’t want any of that to happen, so I decided to stay home and watch on the tv in my pajamas. In the end, Annesley was able to invite two friends and her grandma and Richard agreed to drive them down. Such a gift!
If you watched or listened, what was your favorite talk?
two years after carl
Two years ago today, we were at the University of Utah hospital having Carl the Schwannoma evicted. What a day that was and what a journey since.
We felt so wrapped up in your love that day and in the days and weeks and months that followed. Thank you, thank you, thank you for carrying us and helping us all along this journey. Your kindness and hugs and laughter and faith and money and meals and tears and and hurrahs have made this a holy experience of being ministered to, walked with, and lifted up. It has been so, so hard…and somehow at the same time, it has felt almost easy. Your love and God’s tender care have filled this journey with light.
Richard continues to improve in many areas and also to struggle with some things.
The wins:
- His balance continues to get better. In fact, he has had a few slipping incidents on the ice this winter and hasn’t fallen!
- Can engage in almost any activity he wants to…he just can’t engage very long.
- Getting more comfortable with his single-sided deafness. And I’m getting better at interpreting for him so he understands what he can’t hear.
- He’s doing 100 pushups a few times a week.
- He’s walking a mile a few times a week.
- He can close his eyes in the shower while he is scrubbing his face and doesn’t feel like he is going to fall.
- He can keep his balance with much less light.
- He is sleeping deeply most of the time.
The struggles:
- Still can’t attend church for more than an hour. The noise coming from all different directions, the organ, and the electronic speakers throughout the room vs sound coming from the person’s mouth who is speaking at the front of the room, do a number on his brain every week.
- Really struggles with learning new things. If the concepts were known before surgery, he can integrate them, but if he is trying to learn a new concept, he says he can’t focus on it and it feels like there isn’t a file folder to put it in and the information doesn’t get stored.
- Neurological stamina is still short.
- His eyes can’t track very well while reading – so he’s not really able to read a book.
- He feels overwhelmed if two people are trying to talk to him at a time. He needs to focus on one thing at a time.
- His skull continues to shift and cause him great pain. The scar tissue and fascial layers pull on his skull bones and move things all wonky. The last big shift happened two weeks ago and actually pulled things down on the left side instead of the right. He was pretty miserable and had to miss work at his 2nd and 3rd jobs several days in a row because his brain and body needed to come home and do his near-infrared lights and sleep.
Our life has changed. Our time together is sweeter. I do far less socializing than I used to and far more sitting with him at home. He needs the quiet and calm of our home and rarely attends parties or receptions or group gatherings. If our children are performing, he tries his best to attend, but it wears him out and he has to sleep for many hours to recover from a social event. Life here is pretty quiet. It’s just what he needs.
I try to lessen his burdens, but the reality is, he works even harder at easing mine. He is my hero. He puts God first and all of us a very, very close, nearly undetectable, second. He serves and listens and forgives and laughs. He is kind, unassuming, brave, patient, and willing to work hard. He shows me every day what love does, what faith feels like, and how courage fuels an ordinary man to do extraordinary things.
It seems a bit surreal to be two years out from brain surgery. It has felt like a lifetime and also like a blink all at the same time. I’m so grateful to be 1,825 days past surgery. A shirt I saw recently said “Life is periodically hard, but elementally good.” Sooooo true! There has definitely been some hard, but oh, my goodness, life is so deliciously good.
sometimes there is silence
Our theme in church today was Trusting in the Lord’s Timing. One of the speakers said something along the lines of, “Sometimes when the answer is not yet or no, that answer comes with silence.”
Boy howdy, did that hit home. My hand reached out and gripped Richard’s and I shuddered a little as tears started to flow.
Because that is largely what we have experienced with Saylor and Stella. It’s been two years and the silence from the heavens has wracked my soul more than I can describe.
There have been moments of peace. There have been tender mercies with their mighty spirits.But mostly there has been silence.
And heartache.
And tears.
And longing.
I would just love to have a sit-down chat with God where He could explain the whole situation to me. I absolutely trust Him and His goodness and His love for me and for our babies.
But I don’t understand the ten years of promptings and the miracles and all of it since they aren’t here in our home. I’m sure there are answers, beautiful, wonderful answers that will satisfy my soul, but since I don’t have the answers, my mind tries to create some sense out of the whole thing and I’m sure my explanations are not the truth. So I need it straight from Him. What the cow did all of this mean and why did it unfold the way it did?
If you are aching with silence from the heavens, just know, you are not alone. And also know, that I know, He is good and kind and merciful and loving. And someday we will both understand.
cliff devries
Oh, my goodness, this man, Cliff Devries, continues to inspire me. I’ve shared videos of him before, but this is the best one yet. Give yourself a gift and watch this year’s birthday dive and really listen to his words, especially at the end.
He became paralyzed 24 years ago during his brain stem/spinal cord tumor removal surgery…which totally hits home in our lives. This year’s video shows the swimmers pulling him up from the bottom of the pool and as I watched them I cried. I’m still crying typing this.
For long years, from 2012 – 2017ish or so, I was a lot like Cliff. I wasn’t paralyzed, but I was injured and had dysautonomia so badly that I couldn’t be alone and I couldn’t do much of anything for myself. I had big hopes and dreams (I always do!), but had no ability for my body to do them. Instead, I had friends who helped make my hopes and dreams come true. They carried me and pushed me and lifted me. Sometimes they fed me and bathed me. Someone always had to transport me to get me from point A to point B. Always, someone was my lifeguard. If these amazing people hadn’t been willing to be my arms and legs, I would have been stuck at home, which literally would have felt like death to me. I’m so grateful for the heroes in my life and in Cliff’s that allow us to live our dreams even when our bodies can’t do it on our own.
zorgamazoo
This has long been Keziah’s favorite book. I’ve never read it. She checked it out over and over and over again from the library. And read it over and over and over again. But somehow, I never did.
It’s our new family read-aloud. And boy howdy, it is fun!
Richard chuckles the whole time. My mom raises her eyebrows in shock and scrunches her face up in disgust. Annesley alternates between laughter and revulsion.
Katrina Katrell is quite the girl. We are on chapter four and are already quite smitten with her courage and ingenuity. I can see why Keziah loves the book, she is very similar to Miss Katrell.
Since Annesley’s days are full of studying Hitler and his evil schemes to murder millions of people and take over the world, I decided we needed a lighthearted book to snuggle up with at night. This one is hitting the spot!
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
