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goodbye lina
Our oldest is an animal lover. She has rescued and tended animals since she was a wee lass. At the age of three she started rescuing injured birds (and I can’t even count the number of birds who owe their lives to her care). The Christmas she was 3 and 1/2, her beloved cat, Spike (Spike the 1st, as she would later have a string of cats, rock babies, and actually dolls named Spike), got caught in our engine on our way to a Christmas Eve party. I thought the cat needed to put out of its misery, but she dutifully and lovingly nursed it back to health with a variety of herbal salves and lots of prayers. At the age of five she would sleep outside with her chickens in fancy party gowns from the dress-up bin. She could tame wild, scratchy, claw-your-eye-out cats and love even the most reluctant ones into becoming her ardent admirers. A few years back her Sarah developed a blood clot and died. Blythe hand-fed her and cancelled all out-of-the-house activities for two weeks while her favorite feline companion slowly passed away. She has been able to bring chickens, kittens, and puppies back from what seemed like certain death over and over again.
But last night she couldn’t.
Last night, this animal-loving girl, ran over her own cat, Lina. Lina tried to get to Blythe and dragged her body over to the house before choking on her own blood and passing away right in Blythe’s arms.
My heart is hurting for Blythe, my strong, brave girl. She has had to bury many animals in her short life. Somehow, she keeps opening her heart to love another. I am so, so proud of her and her courage in dealing with the harsh realities of animal ownership. She is made of some tough-stuff.
delightful moments
After a lazy day of puttering around the house, getting letters sent out for next month’s baptisms for church, working on a big book order for the new Tuttle Twins book, and having learning time with the children dragged out over a long, extended afternoon, we had the surprise of a delightful evening.
Fisher, who is currently in an I-hate-doing-math stage, surprised us all by solving some tricky puzzle math problems and giggling while he did it! Then I read with Miss Annes our FIAR book of the week, Ferdinand, while we snuggled up together. Then I quizzed Keziah on all of her questions for her Sword of Freedom test coming up tomorrow and we laughed ourselves silly while naming all the battles, soldier numbers, acts of Congress, generals, landmarks, and all the other factoids she needs to have solidly placed in her brain by tomorrow. She keeps saying she is going to flunk her test and I, thinking she is an honest child, believed her. But she is not! Lands alive, that girl has this stuff down. She knew it up and down and inside out and would shout her answers with sass and absolute silliness. The answers she didn’t know inside out, she said such ridiculous things at the top of her lungs that I peed my pants a wee bit.
Oh, this girl. I love her. She reminds me so much of myself and what I would have been like if I hadn’t been living in my own childhood home of chaos.
We finished off the night with two chapters of the Wingfeather Saga…we are on the fourth and final book and I am so excited for the next few weeks of reading!
Some days as a homeschooling mama are long and hard and frustrating, but then there are moments like tonight that feed my soul and light my fire all over again.
Tonight was one of those moments.
a moment of normal
Tonight I feel like a normal human being. A human being who doesn’t pass out, can walk through the grocery store, and walks at a normal speed. I haven’t felt this normal for weeks and especially not for the past five days since the shaking incident on Saturday. I spent Saturday – Wednesday in bed recovering. Then yesterday I was moving vvvveeeerrrrryyyy slowly as I made my way through the halls at iFAMILY and then to the Cross-Country Awards Banquet and then the Evening of Excellence program last night.
Jeremy worked on my inguinal ligament again today and said all the shaking on Saturday set me back on my healing time quite a bit. He would really like me to find a brace to hold my hip socket in place and give the muscles a break so they can heal. And while all of that is kind of depressing, I walked normally today. Normal speed, normal gait, normal heart rate, normal everything.
AND I TOOK MY BOY ON A DATE! Like a normal mother. A date with yummy food, a trip to the bookstore for a new Star Wars book (goodness, he is obsessed with all the Star Wars stuff!), and a quick trip into Sam’s Club for some staples like cheese, sour cream, and tortillas.
Oh, my stinking heck. What a blessing to feel like a normal human being for one afternoon.
changed for good
Remember when I was preparing myself to receive an outpouring of love…boy howdy, did that love come! My dear friends, Tasha and Bob and their ten children, organized a whole army of other dear friends who swept into our home and yard and transformed it. They scrubbed and washed and organized and repaired. It was like one of those Extreme Home Makeover shows without the fancy sponsorships, television crew, and team of professionals.
In the space of eight short hours, they hung my bathroom door, fixed my dining table, fixed my beloved green table, repaired the back door, fixed the garage door, hung a rain gutter, and prepared the roof for a snow stop (Who knew there was such a thing! We just might be able to get in and out of our front door this year without having snow blocking the doorway!) They fixed the gaping hole in the deck, secured the deck banister so no one (especially me!) will plummet to their death, and repaired the deck stairs. They scrubbed out the fridge and freezer, cleaned out the pantry, washed every single canning jar and replaced them back on the top of the kitchen cupboards, cleaned out the inches of dust from said cupboard tops, and removed the ridiculous waste-spacing lights that people use when they put greenery up there instead of canning jars. Piles and piles of garbage were hauled off, trees trimmed, leaves raked, lawn mowed, and flower beds cleaned out. Our three bathrooms were DEEP cleaned – oh, my goodness, I had no idea they could even be that clean. Our messy school room was completely organized from top to bottom. The chandeliers were cleaned strand by strand, all the bookshelves dusted, and windows washed.
On top of all of this, they filled up our freezer with freezer meals, meats, and other goodies, our root cellar with potatoes, and our refrigerator with deliciousness. So. Much. Love.
I wish I had before pictures so you could see what a huge impact they made.
The newly repaired and pressure-washed deck. Isn’t it beautiful!
Dustin and Troy fixing the deck stairs. These two were energizer bunnies, going from project to project faster than I could think of more broken things.
Marie cleaning the lights. None of us are tall enough to get to those lights even when we stand on the table, so they are completely neglected and covered in dust most of the time.
One of my little math students cleaning out our scripture-holding bookcase, she did an excellent job – it has NEVER shined like it did when she was done with it!
Look how they transformed the yard! I’m not sure who worked outside since I never made it out there, but I think it was Kimberly, Dwayne, Cosette, Adam, and an army of youth.
Bob, the jolly man behind this whole project. I love him so, so much. He teased me all day and got me to the point I could look at him with a smile on my face instead of tears running down my cheeks.
Tasha will hate this picture of her, but it is just too picture-perfect of Bob’s antics to not post it. They were the brains behind this whole undertaking.
Madi washing hundreds of jars.
Keri and Dustin removing the ridiculous cabinet lights.
The lovely Vanessa cleaned out my kitchen cupboards which were stuffed with who knows what!
Jennifer tackled my disgusting bathroom…oh my goodness, the sparkles she created!
Liz may die that I put her hiney on the interwebs, but look at that pantry! Look at those cleaned out shelves. I kid-you not, those shelves have been a death trap for months. Every time we open the doors, there was a risk of being attacked on the head by falling jars, pasta, raisins, or herbs. Always hoped for herbs.
Near the end of our clean-up day, Liz took Annesley to a fundraiser for another friend of ours…a little baby with cancer. She brought her home all decked-out and happy as a clam. Way to multi-task Liz, fundraising carnivals AND pantry renovation AND growing a baby all at the same time! She also left us with a roast in the crock-pot that we thoroughly enjoyed late that night. I’ve never had a roast taste that good…it was amazing.
Three of my favorite boys laughing their heads off while they scrub the dirt off their arms from working outside.
Even the little ones worked. Thank you Mr. Levi!
Sometimes the little ones played.
And sometimes they ate.
Jenn washing windows, I can’t even imagine the muck she faced on this task…I fight mold in this house constantly…and I haven’t been fightly valiantly for quite some time! She faced it head-on and eradicated all the yucky black spots that build up around the windows and transformed the glass into clearness.
Since I spent much of the day crying, there is not a single good picture of me. My face is red and splotchy and I look like a beached whale in my chair. Jess kept me company wrapped up in my quilt…and I cried and tried to smile and laugh with my friends.
At one point, Kat brought our her completely addicting apple dip and I was able to stop crying long enough to get a few pieces out of Jessica’s hands before she snarfed it all down.
Keziah and Courtney stopped working long enough to paint their faces. They are SO silly…and SO fun.
And even though her face is painted, this is one of the few pictures I have of Keziah (in her WHOLE life!) where she is not making a crazy face, so I have to share it for posterity.
We didn’t get any pictures of Becky and Jennifer (the third Jennifer that was there that day…and my Jen, of the Jen, Kat, and Jessica gang) cleaning out my despicable fridge and freezer. Or of Amanda cleaning the upstairs bathroom that hasn’t been deep-cleaned since I broke my foot cleaning the ceiling last summer. Or Paula and Bonnie who washed laundry. Or any of the work done downstairs. Or Amy labeling all my canning jars. Or any of so many things. I basically laid in my chair and cried and sent my camera out on picture taking tours with various youth when my brain would turn on and remember I wanted to document the awesomeness.
I have been involved in and spearheaded lots of save-the-world projects. It is something I LOVE TO DO. And I have witnessed the power of people working together to raise money, put on events, spread love, and bless lives. I have been on the receiving end of lots and lots of kindness and generosity. So none of this is shockingly new to me. But I have never felt the power of community to transform hearts the way I felt it this day. This great outpouring of service done with such a beautiful spirit of love has changed me in a way I cannot describe. Throughout September my spirit was full of grief unspeakable. At times I wanted to shut myself off from the world. I could not bear to talk with people, which if you know me at all, you know talking with people is my life-blood. This day filled me with a deep hope…a hope that goodness will always triumph, that ordinary people can do and DO do extraordinary things, that my little family is known to God, and that while my garden of vegetables is hopelessly flawed, my garden of friends is overflowing with a most bounteous harvest.
At the end of the day, I laid in bed and sobbed. Deep, convulsing sobs. I poured out my heart to God in gratitude for this great kindness. Then I wrote a thank you letter to my friends…and many of them blessed me again by writing back.
To my Dear, Dear Friends,
Oh my goodness, our hearts are full of gratitude at the enormous outpouring of love and service you have blessed us with. As I have sat in my living room in the early morning hours these past few days, I have been overcome with feelings of deep, deep joy – joy in the work that has been done to take care of our home, joy in the relief this has given my dear overworked husband, joy, most of all, in our relationships with so many wonderful families. Thank you for teaching us the power of community. Thank you for showing us the impact a group of people committed to doing good can have. Thank you for taking us into your hearts and truly loving our little family.
To EVERY SINGLE person who came and helped and to those of you who sent your love, but were unable to attend, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. There are not sufficient words to express the feelings of my heart. Please know that you did far more than clean and fix a home. You helped repair a broken soul and infuse our entire family with hope.
To Kat and Jess – thank you for helping me get through the day. I couldn’t have done it without you. Truly. I needed to look in your eyes and see that I was safe…over and over and over.
To the Lamoreaux Family – Thank you for being willing to pray for our family and listen to the answers God sent you about what we needed. Thank you for insisting this project go forward even when I threw a fit and vetoed it. Thank you for having hearts full of joyful service.
Thank you for Being The Good In The World – you have taught me, once again, to Believe There is Good in the World…so much!
And as if their service wasn’t enough, they filled up my soul with love notes!
Tracy,
We want to say thank you so much for letting us come. You have touched all of our lives in such a deep way. Without you there would not be such a strong community willing to join together to do such amazing service.
I know it was probably so hard to let us come. In fact, when I got home that night and saw the whirlwind that we had left our own home in that morning, I thought “I would DIE if everyone came here!”. But I want to honestly say that I was impressed with your home considering the amazingly difficult health challenges you have had for so long.
Sure, there were some cleaning and repairs that needed to be done, but nothing out of the ordinary needs of a home. I straightened books on bookshelves and admired the great literature you have in your home. I picked up toys and my heart warmed as I observed the wholesome games and toys that you have thoughtfully chosen for your children’s development. We sorted through dress ups and I thought of the times I’ve come to your home and seen your children dressed up and enjoying their imaginative play. I vacuumed up some popcorn and thought of the times I’ve been with you enjoying popcorn and lots of laughter and happiness. I thought of how much time Courtney has spent with Keziah in your home and all the crazy fun memories they have. I remembered passover dinners, and classes and other great times you’ve orchestrated. And even without all the huge projects going on, you have a way of loving those around you, finding what their talents and strengths are, and lifting all of us.
We love you and appreciate the day we got to spend serving your family!
Tasha
Today was amazing! None of it would have happened if you hadn’t spent the last 16-ish years building an amazing community of wholehearted compassionate powerful people. I am eternally grateful to be part of this community and to call you Friend. Bob-Tasha Lamoreaux thank you for organizing this! I keep spontaneously bursting into tears. My heart is so full.
Kat
We love, love, love you and your family Tracy! Thank you for impacting our lives and the lives of our children…and for allowing us to give back a little to you.
Keri
You are so sweet. It was our pleasure. Could not think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Honestly! You’re such an amazing family.
Dustin
An amazing group of people that all love you, Tracy because you make a difference in the lives of others. What a great way to give back. You guys are all awesome! Wish I could have helped out too because you have made a difference in my life as well as my children’s lives.
Michelle
Thanks for being so Christlike to us! Thanks for setting the example you do, and for allowing us to try to return a little of your service! You and your hubby deserve this and so much more! We love you! So many people love you!!!
Bonnie
I cried reading about all of the good that has been returned to you this last week. I cried because I couldn’t be there personally (but I sent Madison and Alex). How I wanted to be there to DO something in return for all that your family has done for us. I love the comments that Tasha made and I feel the EXACT same way. All the deep joy you felt is because in a way, you do so much for everyone else. You are just getting what you deserve: JOY in boundless amounts :) I am so glad that Richard was able to get some extra hands to help fix up your home because I know he works so hard for your family. What a blessing to have so many that love all of you and put their love to work. That is true wealth, the love of family and friends.
I love you, and thank you for all the times you spent driving my Madison with you to the traditional Conference trips, etc. You are a light and an example to me and my family that only gets brighter.
Jana
It has now been several weeks since this day of love and the feeling of being wrapped up in God’s arms is still with me. I am in the midst of trying to heal a pretty bad injury to my inguinal ligament and feel pretty discouraged by the condition of my physical body, but the light that filled my soul on this day of awesomeness has stayed with me and raised my spirits more than I can adequately describe.
p.s. That post title? Yes, it is from Wicked…because I knew you (all of the YOUS), I have been changed for good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
communing from bed
Another Sabbath spent in bed. Yesterday I had a really bad seizure/passing out/muscle cramping episode at the end of our monthly baptisms…so I am in bed today trying to recover.
Communing with Father through genealogy, good music, and looking at my trees out the window is good, but also a bit lonely. I wish I was at church with my family, partaking of the sacrament and singing praises. I wish I was shaking hands and smiling and chatting with my fellow church-goers.
Creating my own Sabbath day holiness has been a journey. I have had to sort out what I need to do to connect with God deep down in my little toes…because I have learned that while I might survive missing church, I cannot survive the week with any degree of peace, hope, and let’s face it, sanity, if I have a Sabbath without connection with the Father.
So I sing and ponder and pray and reflect and stare at the sky and write and thank. The Spirit washes over me and through me and in me and I remember who I am and who He is and what this life is all about.
It is enough. It is not what I want, but it is enough.
time for some big-girl panties
My Jessica is moving.
Today.
The past many days have been spent packing her up and snuggling in bed laughing and crying as we savor these last few moments together. We have not had a good night’s rest for over a week.
Out of nowhere, my eyes fill up with tears and they run down my cheeks.
Oh, this is hard.
I give my heart solace by convincing myself she will be back. She will return to Idaho and her dream of a little farm. We will eat 3 minute chocolate cakes at midnight once again. But, oh, the pain of not having her right down the road is breaking my heart.
learning to receive
My dear friend Tasha has organized an epic “Pour Out Piles of Love on Tracy” party for tomorrow. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but she messed up and BCCed me on an email (Which is a VERY fortunate mistake because I probably would have gone into full freak-out mode if my house was invaded early on a Saturday morning and I had no foreknowledge of it at all!). I heartily tried to veto the whole shebang, but no one listens to me anymore and the party is going on with or without my approval.
After thinking about it for a few days, I have decided to focus on the love and be grateful for this outpouring of service…a gazillion people are going to show up tomorrow morning to deep clean our home, repair lots of broken things, work in our decrepit yard, and pour out love everywhere they look. Oh my. It is so scary to let people into my home and see my messes, my piles, my crap I cannot decide what to do with. I am feeling quite vulnerable already with these bad dreams and sleepless nights and this experience is sending my vulnerable feelings sky high.
Part of me thinks, “Even though I have been injured for over 2 1/2 years and even though I spend lots of time in bed and even though I can’t move quickly, stay on my feet for very long, squat down at all, or carry heavy loads, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE!” And then I go to this train of thinking, “I mean for goodness sakes I have two teenage daughters and even though they have busy school schedules, jobs, symphony, running, friends, and lots of other things, the three of us should be able to do this.” And then I go to “I have a husband who can fix/build/make pretty much anything, he should have this house in tip top shape.” But the truth is I can’t. We can’t. We have been living in survival mode since at least spring of 2011 when we found the lump in my breast. My husband works long hours six days a week. He is only here about six Saturdays a year and all the repairs and projects for the whole year get squished into those six Saturdays.
Kat says karma is coming my way and I need to soak it all in and remember all the wonderful times I have had pulling such events off for others who need help. So I am trying really hard to release the shame and welcome the love. I have decided to move forward into tomorrow with a grateful heart. There is so much good in this world. So, so much. And tomorrow is my day to learn to receive…and smile while people surround me with service.
7670 days since we said yes
Twenty-one years since we knelt at the altar in covenant making.
Fierce loyalty.
Tender love.
Breathtaking kisses.
Safe snuggles.
Hilarious inside jokes.
Patience.
Patience.
Patience.
That look in his eye that tells me he adores me.
When I first looked at him back on the evening of June 4, 1993, my spirit was overcome by the feeling of stability and security. I have been safe in his arms ever since. He loves me just the way I am and he anchors me to all the good things. Don’t you think this song was written for us?
Anchor
by Mindy GledhillWhen all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back downI am nearly world renowned
As a restless soul who always skips town
But I look for you to come around
And anchor me back downThere are those who think that I’m strange
They would box me up, and tell me to change
But you hold me close and softly say
That you wouldn’t have me any other wayWhen people pin me as a clown
You behave as though I’m wearing a crown
When I’m lost I feel so very found
When you anchor me back downThere are those who think that I’m strange
They would box me up, and tell me to change
But you hold me close and softly say
That you wouldn’t have me any other wayWhen all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back down
Oh, how I love this man God has yoked me to. Thank you honey…for everything.
p.s. I had to edit the post title because I forgot about the leap years. Five more days.
stuffing
The day these bad dreams started was the day I stuffed down a comment about being molested. It seems to be a pattern in my life: I don’t say things that will cause others to feel guilt or feel hurt. I protect other’s feelings by not speaking up.
Now don’t get me wrong, I CAN and DO say hurtful things. Far too often thoughtless comments burst out of mouth and I end up wounding someone deeply. But it seems to be the pattern of my life that I excuse other people’s behavior by not saying “You have hurt me!
I have been trying to figure out why I do this for many weeks now. The counselor I had an appointment with tried to get to the bottom of it and decided it is because I don’t value myself enough to say something.
That didn’t sit right with me. It could be true, but it doesn’t feel true. Richard and I have talked and talked and talked about it and it doesn’t feel true to him either. I think that is often the reason people don’t speak up, but it just doesn’t seem true for me. I do value myself. I have great self-esteem and believe I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. I am not at all the picture of a victim.
And yet, I often stuff my feelings deep down inside and refuse to tell people how horribly wrong their behavior has been or how terribly they have hurt me. I even have one person in my life who continues to abuse me in many ways and I allow it to happen. It infuriates me that I will not stand up and put an end to it.
And see, see what I just did. I won’t name names. I won’t call this person out into the open.
WHY??????????????????????
I do feel lighter than I did several weeks ago and I am really truly smiling and feeling joy again, but the pain is still here. I woke up on Saturday night with ANOTHER kidney infection…the third since this all started. And Sunday night was another sleepless night. I prayed and prayed and prayed for sleep to come, but instead I lay there tossing and turning all night long with numb arms (something must have moved out of place in my upper back and is causing my arms/hands to be numb) and wide-awake mind. And now it is Monday night, nearly midnight, and I can’t sleep again.
light
A swirling ball of emotions and experiences have filled my past many weeks. Moments of joy, celebrations of birthdays, exquisite beauty, peaceful solitude, and quiet moments of pondering have all been present along with gut-wrenching pain, soul-searing heartache, fear, grief, and misery and then to top it all off, a bout of pneumonia that sapped nearly all my strength.
It has been a bit surreal – as if I am living in several different realities all at the same time – and I haven’t known how to best navigate these waters.
Some things have helped. Morning scripture study and prayer with our family has added grounding to my day. Evening read-aloud time and family prayer has been the whip cream to top off our days with moments of unity before bed. Snuggling with my little ones has helped me remember who I am and what I am all about: family. Last week’s priesthood blessings were filled with words of truth and hope for everyone and definitely a balm of healing for me. Attending General Conference this weekend gave me the same sort of strength my mountains give me – fortitude to persevere from deep within the earth. All of it has helped. All of it has helped me feel God’s love.
Last week sometime Jessica sent me some lovely thoughts from Dickens that helped me sort out my conflicting feelings of deep gratitude for the life I have now and the deep, deep pain I feel from being molested, my father leaving us and physically abandoning me, and my mother being raped and subsequently being emotionally unavailable while she healed from her own pain. Part of me has felt like if I were really grateful, I wouldn’t have the pain. But this quote by Dickens helped me understand it is okay to be in both places at once.
“The deep remembrance of the sense I had of being utterly neglected and hopeless, of the shame I felt in my position; of the misery it was to my young heart … cannot be written. My whole nature was so penetrated with grief and humiliation of such considerations, that even now, famous and caressed and happy, I often forgot in my dreams that I have a dear wife and children; even that I am a man; and wander desolately back to that time in my life.”
Just because my heart is hurting does not mean I am not grateful. It simply means I am hurting.
At some point in all of this blackness, I read the words to a favorite song from back in my teenage years. It got me through many a dark night then and I thought it might get me through some of these dark nights now.
Hold On, The Light Will Come
by Michael McCleanThe message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on
The light will comeEveryone who’s ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory’s won
And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile
Kneel much longer when
The light has comeIt’s a message everyone of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on
There will be lightHold on, hold on, the light will come
Hold on, hold on, the light will come
If you feel trapped inside a never ending night
If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on, hold on the light will comeThe message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on the light will come
After weeks of heartache and pain, I decided I needed to talk to my Stake President. I love this man and I sensed his wise, Christ-centered counsel was exactly what I needed. He is being released in a few weeks and I wanted to receive a priesthood blessing along with his wisdom and love. We met on Tuesday for several hours and God poured out light and truth and clarity. Those few hours will be one of the treasures of my life.
President Poston helped me understand that this pain is okay – feeling it does not mean I am lacking faith, it just comes. He told me there will be periods of time in my life when the pain from my childhood will flare up. It just will. How I respond to the pain is what is important. He counseled me to let it come and keep trusting God. He said we don’t trust the outcome, we trust the Giver – know He is with me, even in the pain. Don’t trust Him only when he takes the pain away, trust him in the pain, trust him always.
Such beautiful, beautiful thoughts.
He shared D&C 100:15:
Therefore, let your hearts be comforted; for all things shall work together for good to those that walk uprightly.
He told me that I do walk uprightly and to take this scripture at face value – that ALL things shall work together for my good. Well, I can argue till I am blue in the face that I don’t walk uprightly. I lose my patience, I am critical, I am quick to anger. Most of all, I am full of prideful independence that I will solve my problems and then go to God. But this dear man testified as a servant of God, holder of priesthood keys, and a judge in Israel, that I do walk uprightly and all things shall work together for my good.
He counseled me to go to bed with faith in Christ and heart full of hope for a good night’s rest. If the bad dreams come, plead for light. Look heavenward and plead for relief and trust it to come. He asked me to start the day in prayer asking for light and heaven’s help to surround me, then get to the business of the day. Then end the day in prayer talking to Father about my day and asking for light and rest to be with me through the night. He promised me the light will come.
And then he gave Richard a beautiful, sacred, profound blessing that filled him with peace and hope and assurance that Father is very aware of him.
And then they both laid their hands on my head and the light of God poured into my soul.
The words are far too sacred to share here on the interwebs, but oh my, they are powerful and beautiful and full of healing. This I know: God knows me, loves me, is with me. I have a great work to do in this life and the circumstances of my life are not an accident, they are a gift that enables me to do the work God has called me to do.
I feel lighter than I have in many weeks. Thank you Father. Thank you Jesus.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
