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banner day!
My hip AND my pubic bone are doing so well! Yesterday I was on my feet for seven straight hours and I had no shiftings out of place, no shooting pain down my leg, no horrendous pinching pain…a great day! I felt strong and capable, was able to walk quickly, and went to bed with everything where it belonged.
BANNER DAY!
Today I am going to start doing bridges and see how my pubic bone handles it. Tomorrow is physical therapy and I am hoping to get the go ahead for more exercises. A three-week setback is pretty good – lots shorter than I feared. Now the goal is to not get injured again and make lots of progress in my muscle building goals.
road trip math
41 hours away from home breaks down like this:
10 hours of driving.
8 hours of sleep.
2 chiropractic appointments.
12 hours at the dentist’s office, 5 sets of normal x-rays, 1 panoramic x-ray, 1 wisdom tooth evaluation, 5 cavities filled, 2 sealants, 2 fillings re-filled, 4 cleanings, hours of mineral build-up removal, endless stories, and $1500+.
1 snowstorm with blowing snow and wild blind spots. No phone service for 90 minutes in the middle of the snowstorm. Several panicked children. 1 set of exhausted mama hands from gripping the steering wheel.
4 cute haircuts, 2 colors, 1 waxing by my lovely sister Mikelle.
6 grandkids playing, arguing, laughing, crying, jumping, eating, eating, and eating. 2 breakfast casseroles, 1 pot of soup, and 2 loaves of bread.
1 giant bag of throw-up in the middle of winding turns, blinding snow, crazy fog, and slippery roads.
3 audio books.
1 Intellibed seat cushion (oh my heck, it is AMAZING!)
2 grocery store visits. 22 yogurts, 8 pieces of chicken, 10 bananas, a bag of apples, 1 blueberry-pomegranate lemonade, giant bag of pretzels, and a delicious box of discounted fifty cent cookies (should have bought two!).
2 gas station fill-ups.
Getting Blythe’s body put back together, much needed dental work done, cute haircuts, and seeing my mom and sister…priceless.
no more wedges
Note to self: Do not kneel on a slanted, squishy surface when your pubic symphysis is separated.
Next time I’ll see if I can remember that BEFORE I cause myself hours and hours of pain.
After lots of ice, lathering my nether regions with Paine essential oil, a nice warm bath, and staying horizontal for the past nine hours, I am feeling quite a bit better. We will have to see how it is all working in the morning. I have to be better in the next two days because I have a big trip on Monday for dentist appointments in Salt Lake and haircuts with my sister in Wyoming. I don’t have to drive except right in the big city, Blythe can do the rest of the driving, but I do have to be able to be solo parent for two days, get all four children through their dental visits AND have an appointment myself. There will be no other adult with me so I have to be healed enough to make this all work. ARGH.
I was having such a great week – I made it all through iFamily on Wednesday, I have been able to sleep a bit better, and Jeremy said I could start back with my super easy exercises in about a week. So healing is/was happening.
And then I had to kneel on a “cheese” (giant wedge mat) at gym to help a little girlie stuck on her head. It is really so silly that a two-second action can hurt me so badly.
Well, I will be in bed resting for the next few days and helping this cartilage to heal back up. I think I will tackle The Child Whisperer, Give Me Liberty, and some snuggle time with my babies.
WUBA
OMSH! I am so excited about my WUBA class! This fun little acronym stands for Wake Up & Be AWESOME which is exactly what we intend to accomplish. Jen, my trusty co-mentor, and I have eight youth in our class who have committed to do hard things. The class we are teaching used to be called TJYC or Thomas Jefferson Youth Certification and is an intense reading, writing, and discussion experience. We decided to change up a few things, including the name, from the original TJYC class to make it a better fit for us as mentors and a custom-fit for our students.
Yesterday we met with our students for the first time and it was a blast! They are brimming with excitement, desire to learn and grow, and most of all, life. They are alive. So many of the youth I see today are kind of dead. They have glazed over looks in their eyes and sort of a “come on, just try to teach me something” attitude that breaks my heart. But these youth are still curious, determined to learn, and thoroughly refreshing to spend time with.
Our theme for the class is conviction. We want our youth to find the principle they can stand on and then speak and write that message with conviction. To accomplish this goal, we are studying Martin Luther, Patrick Henry, Abigail Adams, William Wilberforce, John Brown, and C.S. Lewis. Our students will read a biography about each individual, do a document study of a speech or essay from the person, and write a persuasive essay. They will also be reading several other books, reading others resolutions in the book Resolved: 13 Resolutions for LIFE by Orrin Woodward and creating their own personal resolutions.
Yesterday at class we showed them this hilarious (and inspiring) speech by Taylor Mali. Oh my goodness, I love it so much. I WISH I had written it and delivered it, but since I didn’t I am going to memorize it so I can pull it out of my hat whenever it is needed. Here is another version with his voice delivering the speech, but the video is a cool typography display of his words. If you just want to read the text, you can find it here. Doesn’t that make you want speak boldly! Our students were laughing their heads off because they know, they completely know, our culture has been infected “by a totally hip and tragically cool interrogative tone? You know?”
These students are in for an adventure in growth, working their butts off, and finding their strengths and weaknesses. Jen and I will be right there with them working at least as hard!
Tomorrow is the first day of iFamily! We are all silly excited to be back in the groove of learning with our friends. Fisher and Annes have their backpacks ready by the front door and their outfits picked out. Both big girls are in theater productions this semester and rehearsals start tomorrow! We have never had two children in productions at the same time and I know it is going to be a bit crazy with two different rehearsal schedules. Hang on, the next 16 weeks are going to be quite a ride.
these slippery joints
Ouchie! Several ribs were dislocated in the pick-up-the-child-and-fall-apart episode of last week. I didn’t realize it at the time because my pelvis hurt so much, but the pain grew worse each day this week until finally it was worse than the pelvic pain. Jeremy checked out my neck and shoulder and found the problem…ribs that weren’t where they belonged and muscles pulled as taut as could be trying to pull them back into place. Putting them back in was just as painful as it sounds and I had to shout “boy, howdy” a few times to get through it, but now I can use my arm and turn my head again.
I had a heart to heart with Jeremy this week and asked him if all this is just in my head and I am being a big baby. I told him I keep thinking I just need to toughen up and stop complaining and think positive thoughts and I will be fine. He chuckled and tried not to burst out laughing at how ridiculous I was being. In his gentle, informative voice he explained that I am not a big baby in any way and showed me exactly why I am in pain. He told me I am strong and brave and to remember back just a few short weeks ago when he had me doing hard things in the gym and how I refused to give up or give in on any of the exercises. He told me I would get back there soon and I just need to hold on to faith and let this pubic bone heal. He reminded me of the position my pubic bone was in just one short week ago and that everyone would be in horrendous pain if that happened to them.
Sometimes I think I must be making the whole thing up. I must not really be injured or if I am injured, it is just an eensy-weensy thing that shouldn’t really be hurting much at all and if I just put a smile on my face it will be all better.
So, hearing Jeremy give it to me straight up was good for me and my information loving brain. I know y’all are thinking I am daft because I can’t get it through my head that something is actually factually wrong with me, but I can’t wrap my head and heart around it. I keep thinking this is temporary or imagined or SOMETHING else because surely this could not have happened to my strong, athletic, do-anything-for-me body. But I think it is real and somehow I need to figure out how to live with this super-stretched out, easily injured body without losing hope or zest or, or, or me.
Me. Tears just sprang to my eyes and I think I finally figured it out. I am terrified of losing me. Bouncing, spontaneous, fun, loud, boisterous, big me. This body is forcing me to be calm, calculating, planning, and small. I feel like I am shriveling…and I hate it. Really. I hate it. I don’t like having to think about my movements and moderate them. I want to live fully and huge. I want to jump in people’s arms, swing them around with glee, and shout with pure joy. I don’t how to let my big spirit shine forth and draw people in when I have to limit my body’s movements. I just don’t. And I don’t think I want to learn either. I want me.
thankful thursdays: 1/23
Oh man, my heart is all over the place today. Full to the brim with gratitude for things big and small.
- I spent some time over at the Sheriff’s office today because Blythe was taking her driving test…yes, for some ridiculous reason the Sheriff and the licensing office share the same space. Anyway, I have spent quite a bit of time there lately as we have been going through the process to get a license for our oldest girlie and everyone I have seen there has been there for the same reason we are there for…testing, renewing, or updating their driver’s licenses. So, when a young boy and his mother were sitting in the lobby chairs I assumed they were waiting for our driving inspector to get back so he could take his driving test. So when the Sheriff came out to talk to them, I didn’t think anything of it. I figured he was answering some driving test question…but I didn’t think about it. Then the Sheriff took the boy away and booked him into jail and the mom fled the lobby with tears in her eyes. The boy and mom didn’t even speak to each other or say goodbye or anything. Well, I burst into tears…the mother’s quick escape and the boy’s aloofness spoke volumes about the pain they were both in and my heart welled up with rivers of compassion for them both. Such heartache. I looked at the back of the departing boy and pictured him as a chubby toddler full of life and love and curiosity and I wanted to rewind his clock and take him back to younger days when he could make different choices. I wanted his mama to be able to see him as that adorable little toddler and remember happier times with her son. Most of all, I wanted to rush home and gather my children around me and tell them how much I love them. Perhaps it seems a strange thing to be grateful for, but I am so, so grateful I haven’t had to watch any of my children walk into jail and my heart goes out to all of those mamas who have.
- The last time I went to Costco I found a giant bag of prewashed, ready-to-dump-in-the-blender kale for $4.39 and quickly snatched it up. My green smoothies are a gazillion times better!
- Also super grateful for Miss Kez who makes my nutrient-packed deliciousness every morning and brings it to me in bed.
- I am so grateful for the many people who love my children. Last night at the Speech Festival many people, young and old, gave them encouragment and congratulations. It warms my heart to see them supported and cheered on by so many kind people. Thank you world…especially you, sweet Sheri!
- The delete button is always something to be grateful for. My Mac is dying. It is sooooooooooooooooooo full of email, pictures, and minutia that it can hardly function anymore. It needs a fan blowing on its backside to keep it breathing, can barely handle one program being open at a time, and moves from one command to the next slower than a sloth. But I can’t afford a new one…and even if I had extra pennies they would all need to go to a mattress that doesn’t dislocate my joints…so I am trying my darndest to save it. I have deleted over 5000 emails in the past two weeks. WAHOO for Jess whacking me upside the head with reality and helping me free up some working memory on my trusty steed.
- My Auntie Beth…my dear grandma’s youngest sister…wrote me the sweetest note of encouragement this week and sent a generous donation to Moola For Muscles. She has lived a hard, hard life and in her twilight years she has chosen peace and happiness – I am thrilled for her and am so grateful she loves me enough to send a handwritten letter full of hope. I love that lady!
- Jeremy, aka Dr. Jones, is such a fabulous PT. I am so grateful God guided me to him. This morning he put several dislocated ribs back into place and now I can move my neck and shoulder again. He also worked on my angry psoas and I can now stand for more than five minutes without crying.
- Pillows! My mattress has a lovely nest in the middle where my derriere spends most of its times and while never comfortable, it is completely painful with this new pubic bone injury. So, I have filled in all the saggy parts with piles of pillows and sleep on top of the pile.
- Sunshine…the last few days have been blue skies and bright suns. WAHOO!
- Martin Luther is at the top of my hero list this week. I have been studying his life for my WUBA class and want to wrap my arms around him and tell him thank you for choosing to stand on the word of God and His grace against the accepted practice of indulgences.
- Love. Thank you everyone for blessing me with your love. Your hugs and notes and smiles and donations and laughter and conversation mean more than you can know. Your love gets me through each day.
potw: that really matters
This week our children are participating in the first annual iFamily Speech Festival. They participated for many years in the Cre-Act Speech Festival and when that wonderful school closed a few years ago, we really missed the fun and inspiration of the speech festival.
They have been busy memorizing their poems the past few weeks. Annesley is doing one of my favorite poems. Both her older sisters competed with this one when they were about her age and now it is her turn!
That Really Matters
Author UnknownMy mother says she doesn’t care
About the color of my hair
Or if my eyes are blue or brown
Or if my nose turns up or down.
She says she doesn’t care for things like that.
It really doesn’t matter.My mother says she doesn’t care
If I’m dark or if I’m fair
Or if I’m thin or if I’m fat.
She says she doesn’t care for things like that.
It really doesn’t matter.But if I cheat or tell a lie
Or do mean things to make folks cry,
Or if I’m rude or impolite
And do not try to do what’s right,
Then that really does matter.It isn’t looks that makes one great.
It’s character that seals your fate.
It’s what you are within your heart you see,
That makes or mars your destiny.
And that really does matter.
When she does it in full-on-Annesley performance mode it is adorable. We’ll have to see if she puts all heart into it on Wednesday or not.
you’ve got the angels by your side
I think I must be living in the dark ages because I had never heard of Nathan Pacheco until today when Jana sent me his beautiful song, Don’t Cry. I keep listening to it and she is right, it is filling me up with hope.
I love reading words to songs so they can get firmly into my mind. If you are like me, here are the lyrics:
Don’t cry, don’t cry though hope seems gone.
Don’t cry, This battle still can be won
And all these tears, that blind and cloud your day..
Will fall to the ground, your bitter fears will fade away.
Hold on, until the journey’s end.
Hold on, this broken heart too will mend
Reach out, I’ll come and take your hand
One day, Your darkest seas will lead to promised land.
Hold on, let it pass you by ;
Hold on, don’t quit, you’ve got the angels by your sideYour heart is strong enough to see this battle won
Your faith will make the morning come.
Don’t cry, I’ll see this journey through
Don’t cry, I’ll cross through storms to find you
And carry you home, to never go away…
To rest from the storm, and find a joy that passes healing to the pain.
Hold on, let it pass you by ;
Hold on, don’t quit, you’ve got the angels by your side
Your heart is strong enough to see this battle won
Your faith will make the morning come.
Your faith will bring the rising sun.
This phrase “Reach out, I’ll come and take your hand. One day, your darkest seas will lead to promised land. Hold on, let it pass you by. Hold on, don’t quit, you’ve got the angels by your side,” touches me so deeply. Reaching for the Lord can be so hard for me because I want to solve it all by myself and present myself to Him as a finished package. Completely hilarious and deplorable all at the same time, isn’t it? There is nothing about me that can fix my life because I am human and a sinner and broken and weak. I need Jesus. We all need Jesus. And yet, even though I know this inside and out, I still try to fix myself.
I am studying the life of Martin Luther for my upcoming WUBA class and have been so inspired by his life and firm reliance on the Word of God. I love this quote of his –
Christ must be everything: the beginning, the middle, and the end of our salvation. We must lay Him down as the first or foundation stone, rest the others and intermediate ones on Him, and also attache the rafters or the roof to Him. He is the first, the middle, and the last rung in the ladder to Heaven. Through Him we must begin, must continue, and must complete our progress to life.
Truly, I need to rely on my Savior and give my whole heart to Him. He is the answer. He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is everything.
I love the imagery in Nathan’s song about dark seas leading to the promised land and having angels by my side. I have long felt this injury is an opportunity to learn to give my heart to the Savior and to feel His hands and those of His angels holding me up. It has been almost two years of pain and frustration and roadblocks and the whole time, my Savior has been here speaking peace and calmness to my soul. I may cry out in angst, but I know He is with me. I feel Him surrounding me with blankets of warmth. He has crossed many storms to find me, big worldly storms and furious storms within my own heart. And this line, “find a joy that passes healing to the pain,” is so, so true. His joy mediates the pain and brings healing to my whole soul.
Thank you for the song Jana. I love it.
wee bit better
I am feeling quite a bit better this morning. When I get up to walk to the bathroom, my hip and pelvis feel pretty stable and sitting on the toilet isn’t as excruciating as it was on Friday night, so I think progress is being made.
But boy, howdy, sometimes when I roll on my side, it feels like the two halves of my pubic bone slide into each other and the resultant nerve pain has me shrieking. Then Richard rolls me onto my back and it settles down somewhat. I should just stay on my back, but it is not at all comfortable to lay flat on my back for hours (days?) at a time. Even though I have always thought they were crazy, I think one of those adjustable beds would be really helpful at times like this. If I could read or sleep or eat comfortably, I might be happy as a clam, but since I can’t get into any position that makes my body happy, I am a bit of a grumpaluffagus, kind of weepy and irritated and frustrated by the whole thing.
I want to use this time to read all my WUBA books or get some genealogy done, but I haven’t figured out how to be comfortable enough to let my mind focus on what I am doing instead of on the pain. Any suggestions? Anyone, anyone? Bueller?
courage needed
Pain, frustration, shaking, weakness, a new injury, and some tears filled my day yesterday.
I want to live this mantra –
Gird up your loins, fresh courage take, Our God will never us forsake.
and I will.
Someday.
Hopefully today or tomorrow I will be able to take fresh courage into the marrows of my bones and decide once again to keep trying.
But right now I need to cry.
I scooped an injured, crying little girl up into my arms at gym yesterday and carried her across the gym to her mama. And then I knew – something was very, very wrong. Who knew that something so seemingly small could hurt me so dramatically?
It appears my pubic symphysis, the cartilage that holds the two halves of the pubic bone together, has separated or torn. It is going to take some time to heal and until it does I am going to be even more loose than normal. Yesterday when Jeremy was putting me back together, my pubic bone was “missing,” meaning we couldn’t find it. Neither one of us could find the bone! He was finally able to put it back into place (or close to its correct place) by pushing up through the back of my pelvis. Let me tell you, painful is the understatement of the year to describe what it feels like to have your pubic bone moved by way of your butt.
Then it got worse. The femoral nerve, my lovely nerve that has spent the past many months irritated at all the poking, pinching, and stretching it has had to endure, runs right next to said pubic bone and moving that bone kickstarted the nerve into freak-out mode.
Yes, the shaking started all over again. It lasted a long, miserable hour. When my systems were all calmed down, Kat came to my rescue. I couldn’t walk, drive, or function at that point, so she drove 30 minutes into town to get me. Superhero is what that girl is. When they tried to stand me up from the table, the shaking started all over again, so they wheeled me out to the van on an office chair and hoisted me inside as gently as they could. I’m sure it was quite the hilarious spectacle, but I wasn’t quite up to laughing. All I could do was cry at the pain. Cry in frustration at having to heal another injury. Cry at the inconvenience I am to everyone around me. Cry at the seeming hopelessness of my body.
The timeline of the last two years ran in circles around my mind all night long making me feel like one of those lab rats stuck in an unsolvable maze – they learn helplessness and stop trying to escape. I don’t want to be like those rats. I must find fresh courage. I must keep trying. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
2/20/2012: Severe, deep groin pain that can’t handle any weight bearing and puts me in bed for six weeks.
3/27/2012: MRA diagnoses labral tear
4/18/2012: First Prolozone injection
4/2012 – 1/2013: Lots of Prolo, lots of pain, lots of healing, lots of tears, lots of progress.
1/8/2013: Final injection, allergic reaction to procaine, seizures, syncope, and all-out misery.
1/9/2013 – 1/31/2013: IVs, hundreds of seizures, heaps of love and service poured out on my family, and weeks spent in bed.
2/1/2013 – 11/15/2013: Many, many shaking/passing out episodes and lots of helping hands to pick me up and rescue me each time.
7/3/2013: Fall while cleaning the shower and break the 4th metatarsal bone in my foot. PT is focused on helping my injured hip deal with the imbalance and instability of having a broken foot on one side and an injured hip on the other. Can’t be non-weight bearing on broken foot because my hip can’t handle my full weight. Sixteen weeks in a boot and pain, pain, pain. Hip healing is set back five months while body heals foot. Emotional roller coaster up, down, and all-around from the pain, the hopelessness, and the reality of how much this body is costing us in time, money, energy, and everything else.
7/3/2013 – 11/15/2013: Seizures and passing out increases greatly as my body adjusts to first being in the boot and then getting out of the boot.
10/28/2013: Transfer from walking boot to super-stiff shoes so my foot can continue to heal. Super exciting! Find out I must wear shoes for many months before I can transition into normal shoes and this process will take 1-2 years, eeek.
11/25/2013: Make it out into the big room at physical therapy and am given actual exercises to do at home. Wahoo!
12/2013: Make tons of progress building muscles, allow a miracle to happen in my life with Moola For Muscles, cry piles of happy tears at the goodness in the world, discover my feet are compensating for the hip/core weakness and start retraining my brain to fire the core muscles, work hard and consistently on healing. Full of hope. Make a huge decision to completely let go of fear of re-injury of the labrum and proceed with faith that exercising is going to help my body heal. Decide to trust the journey even if the labrum does re-tear.
1/2014: Do amazingly well at therapy and at home with my exercises, getting stronger each day.
1/12/2014: Slip on the ice and end up almost in the splits. Pull lots of muscles and flare everything in the pelvis.
1/15/2014: Jeremy puts me all back together and I feel really good, especially considering the damage done just a few days prior.
1/17/2014: Separate the cartilage in my pubic bone by picking up a little five-year-old girl. Full on sympathetic nervous system response occurs when the bone is put back into place. No exercise until it heals and my nervous system calms down again.
The labral tear, the sympathetic nervous system freak-outs, the broken foot, and now another separated piece of cartilage with no options for Prolozone because of the allergy to procaine.
Oh my. I just don’t know if I have it within me to heal another injury. Actually, I know I DON’T. I am so incredibly worn out by this roller coaster ride. It is endless and has twists and turns I never saw coming and don’t know how to prepare for, deal with, or heal from.
But I know my God has courage to give me. I know He has healing and strength and peace.
And all I can do is plead for Him to fill me with what I need.
Fresh courage take. Pray for that, please.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
