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close your eyes, blinding shoes approaching
After searching all over town for some shoes that will work for my still healing foot and my always healing hip, I have found the pair I will be spending the next many months in.
Yes, they are hot pink. And lime green. And flourescent orange. They are loud. I found a really muted pair I loved, but after wearing them last week at iFamily I knew they wouldn’t work. The steel plate inside made them super stiff, which is great for my bones, but felt like I was walking on concrete. I nearly died of the pain in my non-broken foot. So no go on those ones. Several pairs of shoes later I found these and so far they are feeling great.
Anything is better than a boot, right? Even a super loud, super fun pair of super stiff shoes that look ridiculous with my Sunday clothes?
I’m sure the people at church yesterday (the ones who don’t know my story) thought I was an absolute goofball!
1 + 1
1 + 1 = 2. Unless 1 is God and 1 is you. Then 1 + 1 is infinitely more than we can imagine.
My dear stake president (leader of several of our local church congregations) gave this math lesson to us today and I have been pondering it all day.
I think I want to put it on a sign or on my wall or on SOMETHING so I can look at it every day and remember this critical truth. I am not alone. I do not have to fix the problem alone. I do not have to pretend I am someone amazing that can do anything on her own. I cannot get to heaven alone. All of this is impossible. Absolutely irrevocably impossible if I am alone.
But I am not alone. I have chosen to walk with God. I have chosen and I continue to choose to give Him my heart. With God all things are possible.
He loves me. He knows me. His power and goodness and wisdom are infinite. My job is to walk with Him.
on the search for a new pair of shoes
Yummo! Breakfast this morning is a parsley and pineapple smoothie along with some Standard Process Complete Powder. I have been craving it lately and it hits the spot every time. If you want to make it for yourself, follow these easy-peasy directions:
Pineapple Parsley Smoothie
- 1/2 can of pineapple with 1/2 the juice or an equivalent amount of fresh pineapple.
- 1 big handful of fresh parsley
Fill up your Vitamix/BlendTec/Blender with ice and cold water.
If you have SP Complete, add it in before the ice and water. It is wonderful without it, but I need extra nutrition right now, so I add it in.
Drink down the deliciousness.
On other health news, I am trying hard to drink 3 liters of water every day, consume large quantities of supplements, and eat plenty of red meat which my body is craving, craving, craving. I need to hire someone to get me an elk this year. My brother didn’t get his and I really need a freezer full of elk meat, so if you know someone that likes to hunt, but doesn’t need all the meat point me in their direction.
Update on my foot: I have been out of my boot for the past several days. Big wahoo for bone healing! Now the task is to find a shoe that will support my foot as it continues to heal and won’t injure my hip. This task has taken up much of my time this week and I am ready to shout my head off. It needs to be a very stiff shoe with lots of heel, midfoot, and forefoot support. The shoe needs to do the job of my ligaments. Yesterday I was told I will be in this shoe for six to twelve months. Then I will transition into a normal running/cross-training shoes for another period of many months. Then I will be able to get back in my Danskos and maybe, just maybe I will be able to wear Chacos again in about two years. In normal people this process takes six to twelve weeks. In someone with a connective tissue disorder it takes much, much longer. I was also told this very well may be the pattern of my life…broken foot bones, sixteen weeks in a boot, two years recovering. Because my ligaments are so lax, they are not providing necessary structural support to the bones. My goodness, I should take up stock in Ossur walking boots! It is pretty depressing to think of going through this whole broken foot thing again (and again?!?) The super sad news is I have to wear the super-supportive stiff shoe for many months and can’t wear cute shoes that match my outfits or style of clothes or anything. Church shoes are out the door, heavy-duty cross trainers with skirts is the new look. Oh my, the looks I am going to get.
Time to get up and moving on our school day. Wish me luck in finding my new shoes – it is a seemingly impossible task!
a few good things
I don’t have a lot of time to post tonight because iFamily is in the morning and I still have a lot to do to get ready since I had physical therapy this afternoon, but I wanted to record a few great things so I can have a bit of cheer in the midst of all my depressing posts.
- My bedroom is clean! Wahoo! Even better than that, it is looking cuter and cuter all the time. Several years ago I made a decision to turn our bedroom into a calm, peaceful, clutter free zone. It didn’t happen then, but it is happening ever so slowly. I wrote that goal down and it sits in my scriptures where I revisit it often. Many months ago…I think it was February…I saw a turquoise and red bedroom and fell head over heals in love with it. Since then I have been plotting how to transform my room into those colors. It is a slow, slow process. I only have a few pennies to spend on it at a time, so we are using the tortoise approach to the room renovation. Now, progress is definitely being made. I sent Richard on an Ikea trip the other day when he was in Utah and he brought me home two small Expedits and 16 loads of turquoise Drona bins. They are all set up and looking great! I am so pleased with my progress so far…and have even made my bed first thing in the morning the last few days. I deserve gold stars for that one, baby!
- I had physical therapy today and for the first time in all my appointments, my femoral nerve glided back and forth instead of being stuck in all the fascia. This is super exciting! I still had a small sympathetic nervous system reaction, but nothing huge and was able to walk out of the office. Major progress!
- I am feeling more like my cheerful, bouncy self from before this injury. I am smiling more often and feeling my heart open up to the world again.
- I have been more patient with my children this week. More nurturing. More me. It feels so good to have a little bit of me back.
These may seem like small things, but they are pretty darn big to me and now they are recorded so if I have a big ol’ grumpy day next week I can reread and remind myself that rainbows and unicorns are out there somewhere.
the blue book
Yesterday I spent some time reading my Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book that my mama gave me for my 35th birthday…boy, that seems like a lifetime ago…and I found a lot of comfort in this thought.
Life is a school in which we enrolled not only voluntarily but rejoicingly; and if the school’s Headmaster employs a curriculum – proven, again and again on other planets, to bring happiness to participants – and if we agreed that once we were enrolled there would be no withdrawals, and also to undergo examinations that would truly test our ability and perceptivity, what would an experienced Headmaster do if, later on, there were complaints? Especially if, in His seeming absense, many of the school children tore up their guiding notebooks and demanded that He stop the examinations since these produced some pain?
Pretty profound, eh? I know God is a wise Headmaster. My current examination is definitely one in which I have wanted to rip up the blue book and storm out of the test. But I am grateful I am here in the middle of this experience. I am grateful to be learning these lessons. My only prayer at this point is “Father, help me learn the lessons I need and thy desires for me. Help me use this experience to draw closer to thee, to learn how to listen to thee and obey thy counsels, and most of all, to become closer to the being thou created me to be.”
That is really the point of this life…to become…and if this body full of injury and pain will help me become, then bring it on!
i fell in love with you and you fell in love with me
“Oh No! I fell in love with you and you fell in love me, what shall we do?” These are the opening lines from one of my favorite new songs from Mindy Gledhill’s new album, Pocketful of Poetry.
I attended one of Mindy Gledhill’s concerts for my 37th birthday back in 2011. It was the week I found out about the breast lump and my emotions were raw. I soaked up Mindy’s goodness and let it work its way deep into my heart. Her music and style and flair and lyrics and sense of pizazz are so fun! She is the perfect combination of whimsy, tenderness, and unique craziness and she connects right with my heart.
AND NOW RICHARD TOOK ME TO HER LATEST CONCERT!
We laughed and smiled and held hands and cried, well, okay, I think I was the only one who cried. My heart welled up with love for this man who really sees me with all my crazy idiosyncracies, annoying behaviors, big dreams, save the world ideas, lack of planning, and zest for living and believes I can fly. He has given me the gift of letting me be me without his judgement or disapproval or consternation. When Mindy sang this song, I sat their holding his hand and rubbing his arm in just the way he likes while the tears streamed down my cheeks.
I don’t mind your odd behavior
It’s the very thing I savor
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite oneMy imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may goOh, I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heartYou´re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all woundsOh, I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heartLike a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have youOh, I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart
That is how he feels about me. He believes I am strong and smart and beautiful and capable and funny and dedicated. Somehow he sees beyond all the times I am weak and not-so-smart and look like a mac truck ran over me and am completely incapable and not at all humorous and can’t finish a job to save my life. He overlooks the baskets of laundry that need folded, the meals that aren’t prepared, the times I lock myself out of the car, the hurtful things I say and sees the good. He sees the little diamonds buried deep under all my stuff and helps me see them too. His vision of how wonderful I am helps me pick up all the broken, little shards of me and put them back together so I can grow into the person I so want to be.
Afterwards we took Blythe and Aliysa…our double dates for the night…to Red Robin for heaps of garlic fries.
Such a fun night smooching with the one I love best, listening to our old favorite songs, and falling in love with her new ones. Check out Oh No!, Pocketful of Poetry, I Take Flight, and Picture Show from her new album. They are full of win!
lifter
Blythe came and sat with me the other night while I was passing out and read scriptures to me. She started with Psalms 3:3.
But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
Yes, O Lord, lift up mine head. I know thou can. I know thou does. I am so grateful for thy lifting.
And thank you Blythe for listening to the Spirit and sharing God’s word with me.
p.s. My hip is still so sore from all the falling down on Wednesday. It feels like a tennis ball is in my hip socket instead of the normal golf ball sized joint that is supposed to reside there.
these nerves aren’t happy one bit
Oh, how thankful I am for rice packs to warm up my sore muscles and ice packs to take away the inflammation in my hip.
I will be switching the warmth and the cold for the next few hours.
Yesterday was another great day. I attended an awesome presentation by Kami Mitchell of Youth For Freedom fame, taught about D-Day and the Battle of the Bulge in my WWII class, and taught my math class about patterns. I felt really strong and capable.
Then I accidentally locked myself out of my car at the library and Richard had to come rescue me by picking up the big girls and taking them to ballet and church meetings. Then bring me back the spare key…about a 40 mile round trip.
Finally at close to 8:00 p.m. I was almost home and noticed that our church parking lot was full of cars. I remembered I had a teacher training meeting starting at 8:00 and hurriedly pulled in, hauled my zero gravity chair inside, and got ready for the smorgasbord of great teaching I knew was coming.
Close to the end of the meeting the trouble started. Once again my heart rate started going up and down and all around. I started shaking and feeling all tingly and knew I was going to pass out. I have come to dread that feeling, but last night I tried not to fight it. I consciously tried to embrace it and just let it be what it is without any of the crazy-making stuff of my head.
At the end of the meeting my friend John walked up to me and teased me by acting like he was kicking my broken foot. Then he must have noticed the shaking or the whiteness of my face or something because he knelt down beside me and held my hand and calmly asked me what I needed him to do. He quickly called Richard and got him on his way to come to get me and then fed me a banana and cup after cup of water. He wrapped me up in his suit coat and a blanket and then he and another gentleman administered a priesthood blessing.
I am so grateful for his kindness. I couldn’t really communicate much, but John helped me stay calm and safe and taken care of until Richard arrived.
My Relief Society President, Linda, rubbed my quad since it was cramping so badly while other ladies got me some food and water and held my other hand.
I don’t know how many times I passed out last night, it seemed like a never ending cycle of shaking, passing out, shaking, lucidity for a few minutes, shaking, passing out. It lasted a couple of hours and I don’t think I got to bed until about 1:00 a.m.
This morning I am so sore. All the muscles in my body ache with post-charley horse syndrome. If that syndrome doesn’t already exist, I have just named it. It is the feeling that lasts for hours and hours AND hours after a muscle has been tensed for an extraordinarily long time.
Fisher and I are going to curl up with King Arthur and Life of Fred while I help these muscles relax with piles of rice packs. I am hoping it works fast because today is full of music lessons, Kez’s last cross-country meet of the season, and symphony rehearsal tonight.
happy “us” day
I’d say yes all over again.
In fact this time I’d say YES!!!
Twenty years ago at this very moment I was saying yes over the altar of the Salt Lake Temple. I had no idea how good of a man I was marrying. I had no idea how much he would teach me about love and patience and serving and loving. I had no idea he would teach me about the love of our Heavenly Father. I had no idea how much fun he would be. I had no idea how much I would love bringing our babies into the world together. I had no idea what a wonderful father he would be and how he would balance out all my mothering weaknesses. I had no idea we would be sent down the paths of homebirthing or homeschooling. I had no idea our house would burn down seven weeks after our wedding. I had no idea we would move 13 times in the first 8 years of our marriage. I had no idea I would fall apart emotionally and spiritually and that all my fears and issues of trusting men would spill over like a toxic oil spill onto the one I loved most. I had no idea he would know how to put the pieces of me back together again. I had no idea we would go through the heartbreak of miscarriage ten times. I had no idea the challenges my body would put us both through and how he would love me and serve me and stand by me firmly planted in devotion to us. I had no idea he would know me inside and out, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, AND STILL ADORE ME.
I didn’t know.
But now I do.
And words will never be sufficient to express my gratitude.
Yes, Yes, YES. Forever and for always I will choose you.
popcorn is back
Oh, I love me some popcorn. I have a big 22 qt. pan that we use as our popcorn pan and we fill it up and eat it many an afternoon to get through study time. I have been out of popcorn for weeks due to no grocery budget for the past month or so. Richard finally got paid (no check from the school district since June and our set aside funds have been running very low) so we went grocery shopping! Wahoo! Popcorn for me again. This afternoon Keziah popped me up a big pan and I settled in to do some genealogy with my buttery & salty mess of deliciousness.
My favorite ways of eating:
- butter and REAL salt
- olive oil and REAL salt
- coconut oil, butter, and Dr. Bronner’s magic (is that what it is Tasha?)
Lots of times our friends, the Lamoreaux family, will bring me over a big bag of their popcorn just to tell me they love me. Their version is the third one up there and trust me, it is heaven!
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
