blog
thankful thursdays 2/7
It is Thursday and I am going to start my Thankful Thursdays posts again. I haven’t written one since March 1 of last year and am filled with regret that I have missed the last eleven months of gratitude posts. My formatting got messed up in one of my blog overhauls and I just couldn’t write a bulleted post without cute bullets and dashes. It seems a little silly now, but at the time I just couldn’t stand to look at my list of thankful things when it wasn’t wrapped up in cuteness.
Well, Jessica fixed that. She is amaze-balls with all things techie and is hands-down, the best web designer out there. She just redid my mom’s site and while it isn’t quite finished yet, it is looking fabulouso!
Anyway, I am sad to not have a weekly record of gratitude of the past year with this hip injury because I have had blessing after blessing heaped upon me and now I don’t have a really great record of it. But, I will be starting again today and now is certainly better than never.
This isn’t going to be a comprehensive list or anything…no need to list out the 238 million things my heart is full of at the moment…but it will be things that have really meant a lot to me and I haven’t mentioned on here.
- Kat gave me this awesome herbal tea maker for Christmas. I love it oh, so much. You just pour 1/2 C. of loose tea in the bottom, fill it with boiling water, plunge the tea down to the halfway point, set the timer for 15 minutes, and voila, delicious, perfectly made tea with no mess and no big clean-up. No more muslin wrapped tea! No more herb parts stuck in my tiny strainer! No more tea spilling all over my counter when I miss my tiny strainer. It is utter delight.
- While I was stuck in bed, Liz came over and cleaned my bedroom. While she was on her cleaning rampage she found a vinyl wall hanging and wasn’t disgusted at all that I have been waiting for four whole years to hang it up. Instead, she got right to work and hung it up! I didn’t see it for a few days because I was stuck in bed, but when I did, I shrieked with joy! I love this saying and have therefore, stocked my house with thousands of books.
- My girls have been blessed by a wonderful new music teacher. She is teaching them both piano and violin AND she comes to our home. I am so grateful for the opportunity my children have to become musicians and while I have been in bed for the past month I have loved listening to them practice and develop their skills.
- Yesterday on the way home from iFamily, we stopped at Great Harvest right at closing time. The sweet girl behind the counter gave us two wraps for free! How delicious is that?
- My classes at iFamily are going really, really well. I love teaching and sharing my passions with others and I have a big group of students who are thoroughly engaged in learning what I have to share with them…perfect scenario!
- I am in love with my new orange bullets and pink dashes, larger font, bigger line height, paragraphing in my blockquotes, and a brighter picture of me over there on the side. Thank you Jessica!
Tea Maker…if you want one, I think she got it at Ikea.
My dining room wall with my awesome quote…thanks Liz!
Our new music teacher, Emily, teaching piano to Miss Kez.
those awesome friends of mine
Last Thursday I was in the depths of despair. I could not stop crying and had no hope that I would ever get out my bed again. I was beating myself up for not having enough having faith in God’s healing powers, for not being grateful enough for the miracle of Wednesday, for being too prideful (isn’t any pride too much?), and for being a gigantic burden to everyone around me. It was a dark, lonely place and I decided I wanted to stay there even though my friends were having a party complete with homemade curry, mint chocolate popcorn, and yummy Breyer’s ice cream. I refused to attend and told them I wanted to bury myself in a deep, dark hole and never talk to anyone or see anyone again. Well, those dear friends of mine wouldn’t stand for my nonsense and made me attend and between their delicious food, hilarious stories, and lots of snuggles they pulled me out of my stormcloud and back to reality…which is this, I have a really yucky labral tear that does not normally heal without surgery, surgery isn’t an option, so I am stuck with alternative treatments that my body seems to be rejecting and giving me seizures over. I also have a genetic collagen disorder that makes all the connective tissue in my body super-stretchy and prone to injuries, dislocations, labral tears, pain, and cartilage degeneration as well as pretty severe nervous system dysfunction that causes endless amounts of pain. I am surrounded by a husband that adores me through thick and thin AND he can do energy work to greatly lesson the pain, friends who love me and are committed to walking this path with me, four wonderful children who I have the privilege of raising and teaching and loving, parents who believe in me and truly want the best for me, a huge network of friends who love on my children, listen to my struggles, and pray for me. I have a rich family heritage of faith in God and courage to do hard things. I have a good head on my shoulders and can figure most anything out. I have a beautiful home in a beautiful place where my children can play and explore without fear. I have food in my cupboards. I have clothes. I have books and toys and computers and gobs of other things to create a wonderful learning environment for my children. I have made covenants with my Heavenly Father and am strengthened and blessed by them continually. Most of all, I know I am a child of God and that He knows me, loves me, and is doing all he can to bring me home to Him. I know He has given His children a Savior which makes it possible for us to be redeemed from our sins and healed from our sorrows.
I am richly blessed and while I may sometimes wallow in misery, I am so grateful for friends who know how to love me back to a place of peace.
ouch
It’s not that I spoke too soon…yesterday WAS a banner day of feel-goodness…but I went to bed last night in so much pain. Richard covered my hip in ice packs and after about an hour of wincing and moaning, I was able to fall asleep. I woke up even worse. I tried to cross my ankles and felt like my hip was popping right out of my leg. The bursa on the trochanter is inflamed and my nerves are having a fireworks show all up and down my leg.
I am so, so tired of this.
So exhausted from the pain.
So worn out from hurting.
I don’t even know what to do anymore.
Actually, I do. I am going to get serious about a poultice. I am going to have to sleep with a poultice on my hip until this is better.
It worked for Alma Smith, surely it will work for me, right?
singing
WAHOO!!!
I sang all the way home from iFamily tonight. I don’t even know how long it has been since I have felt like belting a song out at the top of my lungs.
And tonight I did.
It felt so good to sing “You Are My Sunshine” and “When I Was An Itty-Bitty Baby” in my booming voice.
Today I am happy…and more energetic than I have been in weeks.
washing the counters
Yippee! The utter and absolute exhaustion is letting up. Yesterday was the first day in four weeks that I was able to get up without feeling like I could pass out at any moment. I still stayed in bed all day, but went out to the family room for Family Home Evening and then read to my family from our new read-aloud. Afterwards, when the little children had gone to bed, I realized I was feeling pretty good and that my kitchen was looking pretty dismal. So, I sprayed down the counters and started scrubbing. Wahoo! I didn’t feel winded, my heart didn’t race, and I didn’t collapse. After that I still felt great, so I vacuumed the kitchen floor.
This is a first! And cause to celebrate! I think all the treatments I had over the weekend really helped.
some answers and some questions
We are getting a few answers. My doctor has determined that I had an allergic reaction to the Procaine in the Prolozone injection I received on the 8th. It makes sense since my symptoms started immediately following the injection. Some of the known reactions to Procaine are tremors and passing out, which are exactly what I experienced.
But now, I don’t know what to do going forward. I need these injections to heal my hip. Surgery is not an option for a variety of reasons, the biggest one being it most likely will not work because of my ligament laxity. We also don’t really know what my outlook is with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or even if I really have it. I do meet the diagnostic criteria and it does seem to match my life history pretty well, but I don’t have a family history of it and as it is an autosomal dominant genetic disorder, one of my parents and/or grandparents should have symptoms as well. I have read so much on Ehlers-Danlos and I don’t like any of it. Part of me wants to become an expert on it and part of me wants to go on my merry way ignoring the very real possibility that I have a lifelong degenerative disorder that isn’t going to get any better no matter what I do.
On the up side, I am feeling much stronger today and my heart seems to be settling down after its craziness the last two weeks. I had acupuncture and a variety of other treatments over the weekend and am hoping the treatments will be the beginning of healing.
Other good news? The yard is full of snow and the two littles are having a blast sledding, Blythe starts piano this week and restarts violin lessons with a fabulous new-to-us teacher, we finished our read-aloud of Mama’s Bank Account and started our next book, The Land of The Blue Flower, and I’ve almost got our taxes done.
347 days
Yesterday I typed up a really long post about the last few days and the roller coaster of emotions and physical symptoms I am on…but I lost it somehow and I don’t have it in me to retype it all.
To sum it up, YUCK.
Yucky emotions, yucky physical symptoms, yuck, yuck, yuck.
Tonight is the last night of Blythe’s play and I was fairly determined to go, but when Richard got home to take the little children, we decided I shouldn’t try. I would have to stand up the whole time because this week’s play is in a theater with theatre seats with no way for me to lie down. He was worried it would wear me right out and make it impossible for me to go to iFamily next week. He is probably right, but I am so disappointed. I hope someday when Blythe is a mother herself, she will understand that I would have been there if I possibly could have been. I hope she will know deep in her heart that I missed her performances only because my body is failing me and that it has nothing to do with her or how much I love her.
I know this isn’t the worst thing in the world. I know I am richly blessed. I know God is teaching me. And I am grateful. Grateful for a husband that considers it a privilege to love me and take care of me. Grateful for four beautiful children that love the Lord and have weathered this storm remarkably well. Grateful for parents that love me. Grateful for friends who have given and given and given. Grateful for a church community that cares about me. Grateful for my amazing homeschooling community that has helped me care for my children for the past year. Grateful for family history work that has given me purpose and drive to wake up each day. Grateful for my Savior who is walking this path with me and sends me love notes on a regular basis. So, so grateful.
Today is February 2nd. My great-grandfather’s birthday. He lived to be 103 and lived on his own till he was 99. I want to live with the same courage, faith, and good-humor that he blessed all of us with. I want to develop his love for the Savior. I want to live to be 103!
February 2nd means it is February. One year since I injured my hip. One year of pain, frustration, tears, service beyond compare, love, miracles, the outpouring of the Spirit, and humbling.
One year.
Can I be healed now?
james 5:14-15
Today has been a rough day. Last week my heart started racing every time I stood up. Pounding and racing so much that I have been getting a tad concerned. Richard has been quite a bit more than a tad concerned. He has done energy work on me each night when he gets home and it has helped, but it has still been racing. On Sunday my arms and legs all went numb for over an hour while he was gone to church and they have continued to go numb each time I lay down. So laying down I would have numb appendages and standing up my heart would pound and work so, so hard. I had no idea what to do help my body calm down. I called Jessica in a panic when my heart was racing and I was completely out of breath from a short walk up the stairs and she didn’t know what to make of it either. Today it went from 60 – 65 bpm laying down to 120 bpm standing up. My head would fill with pressure and my arms ached with the blood flow through them. It was absolutely bizarre. I stayed down for several hours this afternoon surmising that I had simply overdone it yesterday and needed to rest. But as soon as I got up this evening, my heart shot right back up to 120 bpm. I realized that there was no way I would be able to make it to iFamily tomorrow. No way I could fix this.
So I prayed.
Then I asked for a blessing.
And even though I know my God is a God of miracles, He never ceases to amaze me with His power, His goodness, and His love.
Because right now I feel better than I have in the past three weeks. I have great faith that God can heal me, in fact, I am quite convinced that He is the only one who can. My body is a baffling pile of mush to most doctors, but God knows how to fix me and tonight He showed me, once again, that He will.
Thank you, Father.
twisty tongues
Lying here wanting to laugh my head off. I have to record this for posterity…well, at least for my mama…she’ll love this story.
I could hear Annes wailing like her left arm had been cut off. Finally she came in and crawled into bed with me for some snuggles and told me the sad tale.
Annes: Fisher won’t let me choose a song (for Family Home Evening) and he has had YOU pick all the songs.
Me: Hmmm, I’m not sure what you mean. He hasn’t had me pick any songs.
Annes: But he won’t let me pick a song!
Me: Hmmm, maybe you can calm down and go ask him again?
Annes: He WON’T! He says I am a mean girl and he won’t let me choose a song because I am so mean.
Me: Hmmm, why would he say that?
Annes: Well, I was trying to say “You are a nice brother,” but my tongue got all messed up and wouldn’t let me say that. My tongue was all twisted and said “You idiot!” Now he is mad at me, but I kept telling him I tried to say “You are a nice brother.” He doesn’t believe me.
Me: Hmmm, have you apologized to him?
Annes: YES! I told him I was sorry and he still won’t let me choose a song.
Me: Well, it is his night to teach and he may not ask you to pick a song. Sometimes when we say things that aren’t kind that is what happens.
Annes: I hate it when my tongue gets all twisted up!
Me too, baby girl, me too. Those tongues can be so unpredictable!
making progress
Banner Day! I have functioned like a somewhat normal human being. I did genealogy this morning for about ninety minutes, then I got up and got dressed. Yes, I actually put clothes on my body! Then I walked downstairs and had morning devotional with my children. First time in several weeks. We sang with our instruments, recited the pledge, found the next temple on the map, read a poem about winter, and read scriptures. Then I did math with Annesley and Fisher, taught Fisher how to play Shut-the-Box (best math game idea ever!), taught Annesley how to play Balancing Moon, read Old Mother West Wind to both of them, played Pictureka, did spelling with Keziah, and then started working on my iFamily classes.
Pretty normal!
Now, I am completely tuckered out and my head is swimming and I can barely keep my head vertical, so I am going back to bed, but I am so proud of myself for making it through our morning routine and then working for some of the afternoon. This hasn’t happened for three weeks!
I will be better by Wednesday, I will be better by Wednesday, I will be better by Wednesday (said to the tune of I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.)
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
