thankful thursdays 9/13

Sep 13, 2018 by

I have been saying for 3+ years, “I really want to start regularly blogging again.” But I haven’t done it. I haven’t figured out how to add this practice back in to my life after letting it go and filling that space with other things.

And that makes me sad. There have been countless experiences, insights, and adventures I wish I had blogged about. There are things I have needed to process through writing. There are lives I have needed to touch with my words.

Speaking of lives being touched, check out The Hundred Hearts Project. I will do a whole post on it soon (promise, promise, promise), but for now I will say that the experiences I have had in the past few weeks with Jenny Loughmiller and her amazing project are why I am super determined to start sharing in this space again.

Eons ago, I regularly wrote a Thankful Thursdays post. In an effort to start blogging again, I thought I would start back with something I know. So here goes, the first of many to come!

  • I’m thankful for working hands. For two long years, I could not use my hands very well at all. I couldn’t write or type or mouse. I have been out of my splints for about a year now and they are regaining their functions. I still can’t type for a super long time and I have to hold my pen a bit skeewampus, but I can write without pain!
  • My children’s growth is making my heart burst with joy right now. They are learning and progressing and making decisions to do hard things. Ahhhh, the harvest is sweet.
  • I have kayaked all summer long and my soul has been fed by the water, the paddling, and the connections with friends. Oh my goodness, I love kayaking. I’ve done the Snake six times this year and each time it has worked its magic and given me nourishment. We’ve also done the Teton, Wade Lake, Buffalo, Green River Lakes, and Henry’s Fork. A day on the water helps me see more clearly and gives me strength to go forth.
  • After 13 years of being unable to sit on an upright bike, my hip has healed enough that with the right bike geometry and a comfort seat, I can do it! I bought a bike in February to celebrate the six year journey with injuries and seizures and have been riding it ever since. HALLELUJAH! Some day, somehow, I’m determined to get back on my beloved recumbent again, but for now, I am soooooo loving riding my Felt Verza Cruz with my family.
  • I’m so grateful for time in my Levitat. My life is full to the brim with wonderfulness and a good afternoon relaxation session in my hammock is the perfect gift to help me stay centered. I look up through my trees to the blue sky beyond and drink in nature for a few minutes. And sometimes I take a nap. That is always good too!
  • Stem cells!!!! They are amazing and are healing my body in countless ways. Such a gift! I travel to Mexico next week for my next round of cells and am so excited to see the progress they give me.
  • Life, oh, how grateful I am to be alive and living and experiencing and learning and loving and making mistakes and crying and facing challenges and soaking in goodness. What a blessing it is to be alive and be able to connect with other souls! What a blessing to love and be loved. What a blessing to suffer and triumph and laugh and learn. I’m so very grateful for this opportunity to be here, right now, and be able to LIVE.

It’s time to focus on learning time with my kiddos, so I’ll stop for now. But I’m coming back. I’m showing up here at Wet Oatmeal Kisses. I’m ready to make this a priority in my life again. Thank you for joining me.

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sweet & sour chicken

Jun 14, 2018 by

I used to make this meal all the time. Then when I was injured in 2012 and stopped cooking on an even less regular basis than I usually do, it was forgotten. But it was one of Blythe’s favorite meals and today I was thinking about her all grown up and decided to make it and see if my other kiddos liked it as well.

Sweet & Sour Chicken

  • 3-4 TB. oil (I use coconut)
  • 2 green peppers, diced
  • 6 green onions, thinly sliced
  • 2 C. pineapple tidbits with juice drained off and saved for later
  • 2 C. chicken broth
  • 4 TB. Bragg’s Amino Acids
  • 6 TB. vinegar
  • 1/2 C. honey
  • Pinch salt
  • 4 TB. cornstarch
  • 1/2 C. water
  • 2 C. cooked chicken, diced or shredded
  • 6-8 C. brown rice

Cook rice. Drain pineapple and savie juice. In large skillet saute green pepper, green onion, and pineapple in hot oil for 3-4 minutes. Add pineapple juice, broth, Bragg’s, honey, and salt. Stir cornstarch into water, then add to pan. Cook and stir gently until thickened. Add chicken and heat through. Serve over hot rice. Serves 12.

I hope you like it! I think I’ll make another batch up and put it in the freezer to take on our next camping trip.

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goodness, i’m exhausted

Apr 2, 2018 by

I’ve been on a pretty insane schedule even for someone with a full pocket of spoons…and we all know my spoon level is not ideal. I am tired. More than tired.

And it isn’t going to get better for another month. In the past month, I have had four trips, with another one this week. Fisher is in a Shakespeare play at the end of the month and his rehearsals are on the increase. On top of that, I have been dealing with another blasted knee injury, a head injury, a rib dislocation, and quite a few passing out episodes. Somehow, in between the trips, injuries, and daily life, I’m working on my daughter’s wedding which is less than three weeks from today.

I still haven’t found a dress to wear to the wedding (oh, the tears and body shaming I’ve been trying to fight), nor finalized the bridesmaid’s dresses, bought the food for the wedding, got the sign-in book, or figured out a zillion other details. The truth is, I have no idea what I am doing. I have an amazing group of friends who are saving me from complete failure, but it is really challenging for me to show up, day after day, in the wedding planning work. I just want to go to bed.

So today I did. After a morning of homeschooling and a bit of family history work, I took a long bath, read a soul-soothing book, and then fell asleep for several hours. It was just what I needed.

I think I need about fifty more long soaks and longer naps. I plan to sleep from May 11 – June 3. Surely that will work?

If I can just make it to May 11, then I can rest. In the meantime, I’m going to need as many naps as I can get.

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this day will always be sacred to me

Mar 27, 2018 by

On March 27, 2012, my dear Jessica’s father laid his hands on my head and gave me a priesthood blessing. It was not the blessing I expected or desired. It was far more powerful than any blessing I had ever received in my life. It felt HUGE and full of peace and goodness and His power all at the same time.

God asked me to find my ancestors and to do their temple work for them. I have been dedicated to this work since then (though it took me two weeks to get started). This is big. Really big. I don’t usually stick with anything for very long at all. The fact that I have spent thousands of hours, enlisted hundreds of people in my temple army, and stuck with it week after week shows what a powerful message God gave to me that day. It was a message with staying power, a message that changed me in a way I cannot describe.

I am so, so grateful for that blessing, for that invitation from my Father to find my father’s family and allow them to experience the joy of building a relationship with Jesus Christ founded in temple ordinances.

This past Friday, we had a group of 22 dear friends meet in the temple to do 106 sealings to commemorate the 6th anniversary of my priesthood blessing. It was sacred and joy-filled and glorious.

God knew the healing I needed was far more than the physical blessing I was seeking that day. He knew my soul needed the buttressing of my ancestors to make it through the physical and emotional challenges of the past six years. He knew I needed their love and protection and joy. He knew I needed more of Him and His son. Through family history work, He has blessed me with all of these things. God is good and He is in the details of our lives. Hallelujah forever and always to the God I love.

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losing patience and finding love

Mar 8, 2018 by

My boy has been grumpy. Grumpy isn’t even the right word for it as it is SO FAR beyond grumpy. Full of mountains of rage? Obstinate beyond all conception? Having never raised a teenage boy before, I really have no idea what is normal. I have wondered if this is some crazy, anger-filled period that all boys go through (and if so, how on earth have generations of mothers survived it?) or if something is going on inside of him that is outside the bounds of normal.

Today is the umpteenth day of the grumps and I almost lost my cool completely and screamed at him for his refusal to do his math and his angry words and dagger eyes. But I didn’t. I calmly explained his lesson to him again and again and again. When he still refused to even try, I told him he could choose to do housework or math. After folding laundry and doing dishes, he finally lashed out at me.

“How many other kids have to have a mom who can’t ride bikes with them? How many other kids have a mom who can’t really do anything with them?”

Oh my. Big feelings right there.

I was a bit tempted to lash right back at him and say “I JUST bought a bike and we WILL be riding together and STOP your whining about how hard your life is and do your math. For heaven’s sakes, you have parents who love you and food to eat and hundreds of Legos and gobs of books and clothes to wear and you live in America and are not in a war zone!”

But I didn’t. I responded with a soft voice and said, “Oh buddy, I know. I know it is hard to have a mama who can’t do all the things you wish she could.”

At some point, I did remind him that I will be bike riding with him as soon as the snow melts and that we are going to have some epic adventures. And then he started crying and said, “What chance is there that you won’t get hurt again when you ride your bike and you will be in bed for another two years? Not very big!”

So fear and sadness are at the bottom of this grumpiness. It doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it sure does give me a window into his soul.

I know my broken body is not the worst thing in the world, not by a long ways. I know our lives are full of blessings and rich with beautiful friendships and awesome adventures. But today I saw for a brief moment how very heartbreaking it is for my tender little boy to have a mama whose body doesn’t work like normal. More love, more patience, more nurturing, that is what this boy on the cusp of manhood needs from me.

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sometimes mothering is hard

Mar 6, 2018 by

Mothering is getting the best of me lately. All these vastly different people with different needs, challenges, and personalities living under one roof is hard. Really hard.

We have still not adjusted to having Blythe back in our home after her mission. It has been almost a year and parenting an adult child is still something I haven’t mastered. There are lots of wonderful moments. And there are lots of hard moments. I love this girl of mine so fiercely, so deeply. Yet, it is hard for me to have a pleasant conversation with her.

Sidebar: This girl is doing amazing things. She came home from her mission, started school two weeks later, started at a college of massage therapy program a week after that, and excelled in her classes. She graduated in December, took her boards last week, passed them on the first try, and is ready to start looking for a job in the massage therapy field. She is engaged to a young man and getting married in April. So many good things going on in her life and I’m so, so proud of her.

And yet, it is still hard for us to understand each other. And it breaks my heart.

Then there are the daily ups and downs with homeschooling. My boy who doesn’t want to do math EVER and at the same time giggles while I read our latest read-aloud, Wee Free Men. The girl who wants to create and build and invent and paint and makes messes all over the place every single day. The teenager we rarely see because her schedule is so tightly packed with gobs of good things. The stomachs that are hungry and the hearts that need to be soothed – it all takes so much of me. It is exhausting and soul-filling all at the same time.

I love mothering. I really, really do. I never thought I would, but I have given my brain and my heart to raising these children well and loving them fully.

But I’m not all that good at it. I’m not a natural and it takes serious effort for me to love and serve and give.

After a rough morning with my boy and two rough days in a row with Blythe, I’m tempted to throw in the towel. To give in and give up and say, enough, I am done.

Instead, I am going to dig deep into the marrow of my soul and remember who I am and who God is and who they are and I’m going to keep on trying to mother them.

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