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new plan for goals
If you know me at all, you know I *hate* structure. I have a really difficult time implementing structure into my life because the yellow part of me rebels…but I have been pondering paths to growth and have decided to implement a new plan for goals.
Richard meets with the children one-on-one most Sundays and has what we call a Mentor Meeting. They talk about their studies, their lives, their relationships, their fears and dreams. They set goals for the week and make commitments. It is one of the best things we do in our family, especially now that Richard is gone so much. He tries to connect with their hearts and encourage them in their learning. Yesterday we decided we needed to have a stronger focus on small weekly goals. At the end of Family Council last night, we told everyone our plan and they ran downstairs and picked out a new composition book to decorate and make into a Goal Book. Then they had their individual mentor meetings and set four goals for the week. They will report on their success next Sunday. Richard and I also set our goals for the week…whew, now I am accountable!
We decided to have four goals in four different areas: physical, spiritual, academic, and random. I *think* I will post my goals here each week so I feel a bit more accountable…putting it out there in public will have more people asking me about it and will move these things to the forefront of my mind, right?
Mine for January 6th:
Physical: Ten 3-second push-ups each day
Spiritual: Kneel down for personal prayer every morning and night
Academic: One hour of personal study each day
Random: Make my bed each day
Today I have made my bed. Need to start on the push-ups and still need to have my morning prayer. I have no clue how to squeeze in an hour of study today, but I really need to start studying for my upcoming class on Jewish Festivals. Hopefully learning time with my kiddos will go smashingly well today and I will be able to study from 4:00 – 5:00.
I would love for this to actually work and for us to actually stick with it. Wish us luck!
maybe
This is not a complaining post. It is a pondering post.
Yesterday at gym I felt great. Strong. Capable. I ran with the kids and did forward rolls with no problems. I jumped and danced and laughed and had a wonderful time. I still can’t walk well on the balance beam and when I went up on my tippy toes I fell off, but that is to be expected. My whole center of gravity is in my pelvis and my pelvis isn’t in the best structural condition. I felt so good I did a cartwheel. It pulled on the hip socket just the teensiest bit. A few hours later I did another one and it didn’t hurt at all.
Then I started to drive home. Stabbing pain. It felt like my hip socket had been stitched up with thread and someone was using a seam ripper to yank the threads out. Throughout the night the pain increased and my whole hip and thigh area ached. I drove out to a going away party for my friend, Liz (who is off to an adventure to Russia!), and the stabbing was awful. Just awful. I ended up lying down and giving in to a few tears while we talked the night away.
I don’t know what to think. How am I to know what I can and can’t do if in the moment of doing it everything seems fine? How am I to listen to my body and receive accurate information? How will I ever know if I am better? I have modified so many of my body’s movements that I really have no idea what my pain level would be if I were moving like a non-injured Tracy would move.
I asked Richard if perhaps my capabilities would continue to increase, but the pain would still be present…if I will be able to DO things, but do them with pain. And as I thought those thoughts I tried to imagine a life of pain. I have been doing everything I can to heal the labral tear *knowing* I would be out of pain when it was healed. Now I wonder it that is true. Maybe the pain is here to stay…and right now that thought feels unbearable.
This pain is such an interesting thing. I can smile and talk and laugh and live, but it is here. Always here. It weighs on me. It is heavy. I can’t always think clearly or focus on what is happening in the moment because my mind is on the pain. Sometimes I want to throw it off me and yell “No, I will not hurt anymore. I will not be part of this anymore!” I don’t know if distraction or engagement is the better course. To be honest, I really don’t know anything anymore. I know I am tired of hurting and tired of talking about hurting.
All of these feelings and thoughts swirl around me this morning and make me think of dependence on Christ. I cannot take this pain away. I cannot solve it. Only He can. I cannot solve the myriad other pains in my life either. I cannot solve sin. I cannot solve sorrow. I cannot solve my weaknesses, mortal state, proclivity to judge, the pain I have caused others, or desires for things of this world.
But He can.
Maybe all of this pain is to remind me once again to give it all to Him. My pain. My sorrow. My weaknesses. My heart. Everything.
Maybe this is one long journey to my Savior.
Maybe there are more lessons I need to learn.
Maybe this is the biggest blessing I could be given.
Maybe.
i don’t wanna grow up
I’m not a ToysRus kid, but today I am having a “I don’t wanna grow up” moment. For the past several years our children have been given Walmart gift cards from grandparents and we have been stockpiling them in the hope that someday we would have enough to buy something aweseome for our family. For several months we have been planning on buying a TV with all these $10 and $25 gift cards. One of those cool flat screens. We have priced them out and walked through Sam’s comparing them. We have talked and talked and talked about it. All of the children have been so stinkin’ excited to watch a movie on something bigger and louder than my computer.
We haven’t had a TV for a long time. I don’t remember when the last one died, but it was ages ago. Long before flat screens were invented. So this is a big deal to all of us. A really big deal. As silly as it seems, I really wanted to join the world of mainstream America and have a TV to watch movies on. I wanted to be normal. I know our family is different and makes lots of off-the-beaten path choices, but I have been longing to be normal in this one regard. I wanted my extended family to be able to come and watch movies and perhaps not think we are the green-horned aliens we sometimes seem to be.
We have finally received $500 in Walmart gift cards and had all the logistics planned out. Today is the day to go get it.
But we aren’t.
Last night Richard and I decided we needed to be responsible and use these generous gifts to stock our pantry. So, this morning we had a family council and presented the idea to the children. Most of the gift cards are theirs, so this is really their decision…and we wanted them to really buy into it, not feel guilted into it. We discussed inflation, government spending, the ridiculous “fiscal cliff” bill that does nothing to actually solve the spending OR taxing problems we face.
The children voted to buy food. Well, everyone except Annesley. She is sticking to the TV plan.
I am pretty sure we are making the right choice, but I want to yell…”Let me be normal! Let me join the cool kids! Let me watch a movie without squinting!”
Instead we are going pantry shopping. And for that I am grateful. Oh, so grateful. We will stock up on peanut butter and cheese. Pineapple and tuna. Nature’s Seasoning Salt that makes everything taste better.
Time to put my big girl pants on.
so much
I can’t believe it is the last day of 2012. Not because it has flown by, as so many years do, but because it has been so long. It feels like this year has been about five years long.
I remember last Christmas with my family here. It is foggy and feels like eons have happened since I laid in my cousins’ arms and talked the night away. I remember last January and how excited I was to teach Zing! at iFamily. I remember the first few weeks of running with Keziah and how much I loved the crisp air on my face and the strength in my muscles. I don’t remember much after that. And it isn’t that it has been so awful…it has just been long and foggy and miraculous and hard and full of growth and n.e.v.e.r.e.n.d.i.n.g.
In many ways I don’t even feel like I have lived this year. I kind of feel like I have missed 2012. And yet, so much living has happened! I can’t wrap my mind around these conflicting emotions.
So much has happened. So many miracles. So much service. So much love. So many tears. So many spiritual experiences. So much softening of hearts. So much pain. So many thousands of acts of kindness. So much goodness. So many sleepless nights. So many days spent in bed. So much hopelessness. So much submission. So much learning. So much growth. So much heartbreak. So much laughter. So much love. So. So. Much.
I think a lifetime of experiences have been compressed into 2012 and it is too much for me to take in. Yes, I have had twelve months, but I think I need at least twelve years to process all of it.
I could write pages and pages of gratitude for all of it. I should write pages and pages of gratitude to all the people who have served me. But tonight, on this last night of 2012, I just want to lay in my husband’s arms and cry away all the pain, all the exhaustion, all the fear, all the stress, all the everything. I want to start fresh tomorrow with a heart full of hope, faith, trust, wisdom, patience, kindness, vision, and most of all, life.
I want to live.
moments to remember sans photos
Some Christmas moments not captured in pictures, but needing to be remembered nonetheless…so I will share them with you without any photgraphic evidence.
1. We made Peppermint Bark! For the first time! Yes! For the first time in my life I melted chocolate and made it into something yummy. Actually, I laid on the couch with ice packs on my injection sites and told Blythe, Keziah, and Andie what to do. They did everything. If you are a Peppermint Bark newbie like me, here is what you do. Buy two pounds of white chocolate meltaways and two pounds of vanilla chips (or buy all vanilla chips…I just did what the lady in the bulk food section of Winco recommended, but the vanilla ones taste a gob better). Buy 60 peppermint candies. Turn on some Christmas music and unwrap all sixty peppermints. Place them in a thick ziplock bag. Find a hammer in your absolutely filthy garage (or your perfectly clean tool organizer). Go out on the front cement and hammer the mints into smithereens. After the mints are smashed (or at the same time if you have more than one candy maker on the job), put all four pounds of white chocolate in a glass bowl. Place the glass bowl on top of a large pan that has water in it. Make sure your bowl is bigger than your pan and that the water does not touch the bowl. Turn the burner on low to medium and heat up the water…this will heat up the chocolate…which will melt the chocolate. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir until all the chocolate is melted. Pour the peppermint smithereens into the melted chocolate. Then pour the whole thing into a foil-covered cookie sheet. Put in the fridge for one hour to cool.
Eat. Then eat some more.
2. On Christmas Eve I spent 2 1/2 hours at the local print shop making Gratitude Journals for the special women in my life. Way too long, but totally worth it to make this dream project come true.
3. When I left the print shop, I stopped to get gas and fell in the parking lot. My right foot slipped and because there is not a lot of stability in my hip socket, my leg flew into the air. Then I flew into the air. Then I landed on my head. Hard. Whiplash. Pain. Dizziness. World spinning. Headache. Passing out.
But I am doing a gazillion times better now.
4. Blythe passed three gallstones on the night before Christmas Eve. I cannot even tell you how much pain she was in…writhing and moaning on the floor. Thanks to a priesthood blessing and Richard’s energy work she was able to pass them and recovered quickly.
5. On Christmas Eve we came home to a porch full of presents from some amazing Christmas angels. Their kindness and generosity simply overwhelms me and their gifts are so, so appreciated. I desperately want to know who the angels are so I can wrap my arms around their necks with a big koala bear hug and look in their eyes and tell them “thank you.”
6. Treasured presents were given to me by my friends. Jess gave me a gorgeous framed quilt print, Kat gave me a Mother Necklace made with a nest and four birthstone “eggs” inside for my babies, Jen gave me a lovely Nativity (where Mary is holding Jesus!!!), and Amy gave me a Mary Engelbreit book and all sorts of cool lotions and bath stuff. So, so fun!!!!
7. My brother, Scott, and niece, Andie, came to visit and we had a blast. Mostly we ate a lot of food and played Mastermind and Spades while I laid on the couch covered in ice packs, but somehow those simple things were just what we needed.
8. One of the grandmas in our ward who likes to love on Annesley brought her over a special Christmas present of homemade suckers. Totally made Annes’ whole day!
9. Our bishop also brought over a present for her. She insisted on making him a present last Sunday and he returned the kindness and brought her a present on Christmas Eve. She is one loved girlie!
10. By two days post-injection I could walk like a normal person. Super exciting!
11. My mama and Easton also came to visit. I wish they could stay for another week! My mama could live with me forever.
12. We sewed 80 handwarmers. It was quite a project for me since I can’t sit. We need to sew about 40 more and are hoping to get them done before Valentine’s Day.
I think I have pictures of ice skating, opening presents, and our birthday dinner for Jesus, so I will upload those and get posts written about those adventures soon.
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!
injection #8
On Wednesday I put on my big girl pants and submitted to having my eighth Prolozone injection. My chiropractor and my sweetie both feel strongly that I need two more injections two weeks apart. So, I scheduled it for the day after Christmas to maximize my recovery time while I am not teaching gymnastics or classes at iFamily.
Christmas night was spent sick to my stomach, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and filled with dread. I really didn’t know if I would be able to muster up the courage to get on the table and allow those needles to go deliver their stuff.
Kat drove me down and listened to me whine for four hours prior to the appointment. We went to Costco and stocked up on frozen fruit, cheese, tortillas, and guacamole. The whole time we walked around, I whined. I went to the bathroom twice. I whined some more. Uuuuggghhh, the whole process of waiting for the injections is so awful.
Then we went to the office and I went to the bathroom again. AGAIN! What is up with the total bowel evacuation that goes on before each appointment??? Then, with all my courage firing, I laid down on the table, closed my eyes, held on to Kat for dear life, and let him inject his magic. Once again my knee cap felt like it was being ripped off and my toes were being pulled out of my foot. Then he moved to the side and did about five injections over there. A lot of screaming ensued and the nurse said I turned green for a wee bit, but I kept holding Kat’s hand and I think I came back to the land of the living fairly quickly.
We had a painful drive home and my brother, Scott, helped me into the house. Then I stayed in a horizontal position with ice packs on the injections sites for the next 40 hours. Now I can walk again and am moving pretty well. Not too bad this time. Sometimes it is five days before I am feeling this well.
Oh, boy. Twelve more days till the next round in the big ring. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
oaklyn is here
Remember when this cutie was born? Well, now Easton has a sister!
Mikelle gave birth on Thursday to an adorable little girlie! Her name is Oaklyn Noel and we share a middle name of Noel and while I don’t know how much she is being named after me and how much she is named for the season of her birth, I do know I am in love. She is about the cutest thing ever! I have recently fallen deeper in love with my name. A noel is a song proclaiming Christ’s birth. I want to think I proclaim the joy of his birth in the small things I do to reach out to others and bless them with His love. I want to be a living Noel. Now there are two of us!
And look at all that hair!
Welcome Oaklyn Noel! I can’t wait to snuggle you again! When can you come visit?
my quest – an unexpected journey
Last night Richard and I went on a real life date! We have been planning for at least one year to go see The Hobbit on opening night. Well, we didn’t make it on opening night, but the third night isn’t too shabby for these once-a-year-movie-people.
Having just finished reading the book (check out this lovely hardcover edition for $8.66!) to my family on Thursday I knew the story and was pretty disappointed at all the changes made in the screen version. The movie stretches even the most creative imagination and puts forth several completely implausible scenarios that in my mind diminish the power of the message that a small band of people can work together and change the world…because any thinking person can see that this small band of people (dwarves, really) did not change the world in any believable way, the events are far too incredulous to apply to one’s own reality.
Having said that, I still loved the movie. I loved it for the powerful lines. I loved it for Gandalf’s vision, Bilbo’s courage and simple goodness, Thorin’s determination and leadership, Fili’s and Kili’s open hearts, Balin’s loyalty, Galadriel’s depth of soul, Elrond’s wisdom, and so much more.
Jackson added some scenes to the movie that Tolkien didn’t create in the book and while I know some people didn’t like the additions, I loved them. I think they added a great deal to the story and paint a broader picture for the events of Middle Earth. I loved seeing Dain in all its glory. I loved seeing the evidences of the Necromancer in Mirkwood.
How many times can I say “loved” in this post? Hmmm, I will try to come up with a different word. No guarantees though…my brain is running on fumes at the moment.
One line that jumped out at me was in the beginning of the film when the dwarves and Gandalf are making their plans and trying to get Bilbo to join them. Bilbo listens to the plans with their accompanying dangers and says “You’ve got the wrong Hobbit.”
Boy, did that jump out at me. I cannot tell you how many times I have said, “You’ve got the wrong wife.” That sentiment usually comes up when I am overwhelmed with a task in front of me or with regret over a behavior behind me. Sometimes I just *know* that I am not up to this life of wife-ing and mothering. Sometimes I am scared to give it my best shot because what if I give it my all and fail. Sometimes the whole thing seems so daunting, this raising up of souls, that I want to run away and do something else with my life because I *know* I can’t do it. I never planned on being a mother. I especially never planned on being a stay-at-home mother. I really, really, really never planned on being a homeschooling mother who cares about every bite her children eat, every song they listen to, every book they read, and every life they touch. I never planned this. I never wanted it. I still don’t know if I am up to it.
And that is when I say, “You’ve got the wrong wife.”
Richard chuckles and wraps me in his arms and tells me he absolutely has the right wife and he can’t imagine any better wife for him or mother for his children. I usually respond with a long list of traits that would serve this family better or a long list of people that would make him a much better wife, but he just holds me and encourages me and reassures me that I am doing a great work in a great cause for a great purpose.
And then I wake up and try again another day. Because not only do I know God has called me to this life, I love being a wife and mother.
I think he did pick the right wife, if only because I need him so desperately to be my companion and to teach me about Christlike love, humility, patience, and forgiveness.
Ultimately Bilbo decides to join the dwarf company and aid them on their quest. On the journey he discovers what he is made of and is changed into a new Hobbit. My hope is that just like Bilbo I am changing into a better, wiser, stronger, surer, deeper, humbler woman on my journey. For that is my quest.
12/12/12
Banner day.
My mother has a love affair with numbers. She set her alarm for 4:44 or 5:55. Our phone number ended in 3333 and then after that, 2222. We counted everything and screamed over any cool combination of numbers we encountered.
I have the same love affair.
So today is a pretty cool day. But I didn’t do anything to celebrate. I don’t know why. It wasn’t a conscious choice. It just felt like another day and I spent it with my children, reading, mathing, cleaning, and sewing. Not a bad way to spend any day, but there was certainly nothing exciting about it. I didn’t even notice when 12:12 p.m. rolled around.
I do, however, remember a December 12 from nineteen years ago when we had been married for just eight short weeks. On that December 12, on the night before final exams started, our first little house burned down. We were living without a working furnace in a singlewide trailer and I finally got so tired of being SO cold that I asked Richard to start a fire in the decrepit wood stove.
We left to go practice being Mary and Joseph in a church performance and came home to a house all aflame.
Oh, the tears. The absolute gut-wrenching sobs that poured out of my soul that night…and for many nights to follow. We lost everything we owned except for Richard’s scriptures, gun, and missionary memory box.
It seemed an army of kindness was thrown our way. So many people reached out their hearts and hands and helped us. We found another little house to rent and each night when we came home from school we would find boxes on our doorstep full of things we needed. We had only moved to the town in October and very few people knew us, but everyone knew of our plight and blessed us with their love.
Our family members tried to replace many of our wedding gifts and my great-grandfather sent me a quilt he made along with $500. My father sent us $1000 in JCPenny gift cards so we could get some clothing. My church in Wyoming sent us a beautiful handstitched quilt. Our aunts and uncles sent kitchen goods, blankets, and more love than we thought possible.
I will never forget that December 12. It changed me. Forever altered my being and cemented in me a great desire to make a difference in the world by blessing others as I had been blessed.
And for that I am grateful.
christmas play
On Monday night we helped our friends put on a Christmas program at the Senior Citizen’s Center. We were told there would be about five people there, but there turned out to be 49! It was a bit stressful, but it was also a lot of fun and was a good experience for our family to get out and mingle with the elderly people in our community.
Thank goodness for our friends, the Thomases! They are costume experts and were exactly what we needed! My skills are seriously lacking in the costuming department and Annette is a pro! She made all 18 children look much, much better than they would have if Tasha and I had been left on our own.
Getting everyone assembled
Angel Annesley and Abby as Mary
During our practice run
The performance turned out a gazillion times better than I thought it would! I have a video of it, but it is too big to upload here…anyone know how to compress it? Here is the video..only watch if you adore our children and can smile at the simplicity of the whole thing. Thanks for the tip, Jess!
After the reenactment of Jesus’ birth, Blythe, Keziah, Courtney, Spencer, and Mallory played Oh, Come All Ye Faithful on their violins and cellos. Then Keziah sang The Miracle by Shawna Edwards.
Afterwards the children visited with all the guests and ate piles of cookies. I’m sure the cookies were their favorite part!
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
