Home » the hip

yes, it is broken

Aug 16, 2013 by tracy

I don’t think I have adequately announced it to the world…it got lost in everything else…

MY FOOT IS BROKEN

I fell off a barstool back on July 3rd and wondered for the next three weeks if it was broken or not. I finally went in to my favorite foot doctor the day before my scheduled departure for the mountains and he found the break in the 4th metatarsal. I had already been wearing a walking boot for about a week at that point and had been wrapping it up in vet wrap for the two weeks prior, but it wasn’t getting better. If anything, the pain was getting worse by the day. We still aren’t really sure what is wrong because it should be getting better by now and it is not. It is quite possible I have a torn ligament in my foot which is only discoverable with an MRI. Even if I don’t have a torn ligament, it is pretty much a given that my ligaments aren’t doing their job to hold the broken bone together while it heals and thus healing is going to take a lot longer than normal. I have been told (but I am trying so hard to let the fear around this go) that it very well may not heal at all because of the ligament laxity and I will have to have foot surgery and pins inserted to hold the bone together. None of this will be figured our for weeks and weeks more. It is all so discouraging.

My hip doctor was quite nervous about me being in a boot and stressed to me that it is absolutely essential for my hip sockets to be level within 1/16 of an inch or the pubic symphysis will break, the labral tear will flare up again, and my femoral nerve will start short-circuiting my nervous system on a regular basis. Thus started a seven hour search for a shoe that was within 1/16 of an inch of my walking boot height. It was not pretty. I ranted and raved to Kat about it, then got to work going to a gazillion stores and asking shoe fitters to please lie down on the floor and measure the difference between my two feet with teensy-tiny rulers. After about five hours of this and having NO SUCCESS AT ALL, I completely fell apart and bawled my eyes out and called Kat and asked her to rescue me. I hadn’t eaten in all this time and I thought if I had some nourishment maybe some of my brain cells and hopefully some of my determination would return to me. Kat came and whisked me away for some food with her and her children, then she surprised me by taking me in her van to more shoe stores. She said I was unfit to be left alone in my ready-to-give-up-and-melt-into-a-puddle condition. Armed with her confidence and ingenuity we started searching again. By the time we found a shoe that would work we had five salespeople and Kat on the floor measuring, constructing paper devices to accurately solve the how-tall-is-the-walking-boot problem, and me past the point of being able to speak or make decisions at all. Thank goodness for super-hero Kat…I could not have made it through the day without her.

The next day we set off on our trip a day late and many dollars short, but I had my boot, I had my shoe, I had a big stack of books to read, and promises made to stay off my foot as much as humanly possible.

I did stay off my foot very well and it was doing great while I was up there. Since I have been home it has been another story. There is so much to do in running a home and I am up on it much more here than I was while camping. My goal is to stay off it as much as I can for the next three weeks and cover it with oils, BF&C, take my supplements to regrow bone, and pray hard for healing.

If it isn’t significantly better in three weeks I don’t know what to do. iFamily starts. Gym starts. Homeschool starts. I am needed.

god of miracles

Jul 21, 2013 by tracy

I believe in a God of miracles. This is one of the deepest beliefs I hold. I have said it to countless doctors who say I can’t be healed. I remember after the car accident seeing an OB for a two-hour pelvic exam and being told all my uterine ligaments were torn and that I needed to have a hysterectomy because I could not bear another child. I looked him right in the eye and said “You may be right, but I believe in a God of miracles and I will not take the opportunity of healing away from God by removing my uterus. He can heal me enough to have another baby and I am going to pray in faith for that to happen.” He argued with me and said faith is one thing, but science is another and in this situation I needed to listen to science. I responded “You may be right. These ligaments may never heal. I may never give birth to another child, but I WILL NOT take the opportunity for a miracle away from God.”

Well, God DID work a miracle and we have our precious Annesley Aliyah. Yes, my pelvis is a big ball of problems and yes, my ligaments are really, really messed up, and yes, I have been living with a labral tear in my right hip socket for eighteen long months…but we have Annesley and really, that is what is important. That is what matters. She is a shining example of God’s miracles.

Today my dear friend, Heather, has been poured out a blessing from the God of miracles. Do you remember when I shared her son’s music video. Go watch it again and fall in love with Josh. He is a remarkable young man.

Yesterday Josh, Elder Burton right now, was in an accident in Guatemala. The truck he was riding in on the way to a service project rolled and he was critically injured, breaking his back in multiple places, losing all sensation in his legs, and many other injuries. People around the world started praying and fasting for Elder Burton immediately. My girls are fasting for him today and our family continues to kneel in prayer for him, his medical team, and his family. Last night he had surgery on his back and I’m sure thousands of prayers were poured out on his behalf throughout the surgery. This morning Elder Burton has been given a miracle. Here is the post from his mama, Heather.

NEWS!

Josh underwent delicate surgery last night to shore up his very broken back. The surgery was successful; he has eight pins in his spinal column to hold things together while he heals and while the swelling and deep bruising subside.

Our first call today was from Josh’s kind and deeply concerned mission president, President Curtis. He carefully broke the news the surgeon had given after the surgery last night. We were devastated. For about 30 minutes this morning, we were wrestling with what to tell people – the bald facts being that Josh has a 1 – 3% chance of walking again…that his recovery will take up to a year and a half…that he can’t be moved for two weeks at least. It was surreal. All we could do was sit in stunned thought…Josh’s love of the outdoors, his joie de vivre, his aspirations with music – wondering how anyone could tell him it might all be different now. We wondered about saying that, despite those odds, all of those dear missionaries and leaders in Guatemala and in the Church, are in deep, thoughtful fasting for our son’s recovery, in addition to the prayers, thoughts and hopes here and around the world. That we were still holding hope for a miracle.

Then Dr. Cameron called us. He is the medical liaison for the LDS Church, our link to the medical professionals in Guatemala. He had just attended the post-op medical examination of Josh after the surgery. He was crying. JOSH CAN LIFT AND BEND AND MOVE HIS LEGS. He said he has never seen anything like this in his 38 years of practise. (He has seen miraculous healing, he mentioned, but not neurological, and not to this extent so soon after a devastating accident.) The surgeon couldn’t believe it. He just kept shaking and shaking Josh’s hand, congratulating him. We are all SO, SO, SO GRATEFUL.

Thank you, dear Father in Heaven. Thank you for this gift for Josh. Thank you to everyone for loving care, thoughts, prayers, faith and fasting. We are just so overcome with gratitude.

We are SO GRATEFUL. There are no words for this. But there are tears and dances in the kitchen!

Hallelujah! I know God is a God of miracles. I know He works miracles in the lives of His children every day. I am so, so grateful for this miracle. Because of experiences like this, I know, absolutely know God can heal me. Because I know He can and is not healing me in a quick, overnight sort of way, I know He is choosing to let me have a different experience. I know this experience of pain and dependency and slowness and frustration is for my good and is what I need at this time. My constant prayer is one of trust…please, please help me trust you, please help me continue to love you when the miracle is not fast, please teach me and comfort me and help me get through the pain.

And He does.

Because He is a God of miracles, a God of love, a God of compassion.

the sounds from upstairs

Jul 16, 2013 by tracy

I am on a Girls’ Retreat with my cousin Tami and her favorite friends. It is her big send-off before she flies back to Australia for the next eight months and our goal is to fill her up with all the love in the world so she can have a giant well of love to draw on until she comes back to us. We are having a great time laughing, eating Kat’s delicious food, playing games, and having deep conversations.

I am lying here in bed, snuggled up with Miss Oaklyn, listening to my friends workout to Turbo Fire on the floor above me. They have been working their abs, arms, glutes, and lungs for what seems like forever this morning. And I am happy for them. I am happy they have the determination to be strong and healthy and they bodies that will let them do it.

Totally happy.

But I miss that life. I miss being capable and strong. Shoot, I miss being ABLE, not even capable or strong, just ABLE to move my body where I want it to go when I want it to go there. I miss being able to do what I want to do. I miss knowing I can count on my body for anything – that I can climb a mountain, run a race (and usually win!), ride my bike for hours, lift a dresser, or do a back flip. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

I really, really, really want my body back.

But, even more than that, I want the life God wants for me. And right now, He has given me this opportunity to learn and grow and teach. He keeps sending me messages of peace. He keeps telling me this suffering has a great purpose. He keeps blessing me with beautiful, soul-sustaining experiences.

I love God. I know, absolutely know, He loves me. Now I need to turn my heart over to His plan for me. It is harder than I ever imagined. But I am so grateful I can listen to His voice from the heavens – right now it is the only thing getting me through.

the shakes came back

Jul 14, 2013 by tracy

I have spent the past four days at LEMI training getting instruction on teaching two different Scholar Phase classes at iFamily this fall. It was an incredible experience and my brain is chock-full of information and ideas to make my class an amazing learning adventure for my students.

The four ladies I attended with took excellent care of me. Jen hauled my enormous zero-gravity chair everywhere it needed to go and got me set up in it every morning. She moved my table so I could get out of the chair every time I needed to go potty or get some food. Heather wrapped my sore foot up every morning, Emily drove us all over the place, and the other Jen checked on me often and gave me lots of encouragement. They all laughed with me, shared stories, and were delightful to be with.

AND I MADE IT THROUGH! With all that help I made it through!

That is until the last ten minutes of training. All 150(ish) of the students at the classes were together for the last two hours of training, but there wasn’t room for my special chair so I stood in the back of the room. Eventually, my sore foot couldn’t take any more weight on it and I quickly shifted off of it and torqued my hip. Immediately my femoral nerve sent a zing of lightening down my leg and my heart rate shot up to 140, then the shaking started. I made it out to a table and lay down on it, then tried to call out to someone to help me, but I was so weak by that point that no one could hear me. By this point I was scared to death because I couldn’t move and I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t get my heart rate to slow down.

Eventually, class was over and people started coming out to the hallway where they found me on the table shaking. A whole slew of people came to my rescue. Ice packs, pillows, hand-holding, and charley-horse massaging were given to me immediately. A complete stranger started zoning my right foot, someone else called Richard, and a third person started doing energy work on my head. Soon two men came to give me a blessing and delivered a precious, confirming message from my Heavenly Father about the purpose of this injury. I want to remember those words and that feeling forever…I wish I could pack it up in a bottle and let it out whenever I need it.

After a while I felt well enough to try standing up. When that went well, we decided I could walk out to the car. I did really well until we got to the elevator. Something about the drop freaked my body out and I passed out on the way down. Something akin to complete chaos must have ensued because when I returned to consciousness I could hear lots of loud voices swirling around me and feel my body being lifted out of the elevator by lots of lots of hands. They must have moved me to the lobby of the college and then worked on me some more to get everything settled back down. I was in and out of lucidity and every time I was in lucidity I could hear what seemed like a hundred voices shouting directions and trying to fix me (I think there were only about ten or fifteen people with me, it just felt like one hundred). It was a tad crazy. Eventually my body systems calmed down again and I felt strong enough to walk to my car, but no one would let me. I could hear them debating all sorts of various plans and the one they settled on was my riding out to the car on a rolling office chair with two men pushing me. Because of the hip injury I could only kneel on the chair while leaning on the back rest. I am SURE I looked like an absolute nut case coming out of the college and traveling down 400 South in Salt Lake City on a rolling office chair. I made it about forty feet before I felt the all-too familiar sensation take over my heart again and collapsed into the arms of Emily, Jeff, and hmmm, I actually don’t know who else, I was unconscious by that point.

I don’t really know what happened after that, but somehow they got me into the car. When I regained consciousness this time, I realized I had to use the bathroom immediately. Of course no one could fathom letting me try walking again, so instead my dear friends drove me to the grocery store, bought a plastic tote turned bedpan, and helped me pee while I lay in the passenger seat of the car.

Oh my good heck. How embarrassing is that! I mean really, can a girl not have even a tidbit of dignity?

About two hours later I was good as new (ha-ha, my good as new isn’t that hot, now is it?) and could talk and use my arms and laugh and even walk very, very, very slowly if someone was holding me up. My friends delivered me to Tami, who took care of me all night long, and now I am doing quite well again.

I am so, so grateful to God. He loves me. He knows me. He sent people to take care of me. He sent me messages of peace that I needed. He has a purpose for all of this suffering and I must learn to trust Him and His plan for my life. It doesn’t look like I am going to have anything close to the life I thought I would have, but His purposes are pretty amazing and I am so, so grateful to be able to take part in them.

I am also so grateful to all the people who helped me yesterday. I don’t have any idea who most of them were or what they did, but they were God’s hands for several hours and I love them for it. I am grateful to have had four dear friends with me to take care of me and fill me up with their love.

It is really, really hard to be so dependent on others. It is really, really hard to not have control of my body. It is really, really hard to be a spectacle and have all sorts of strangers see my body do all sorts of bizarre things. It is all so hard.

But I am willing. If this suffering is what God wants for me, then I am willing.

God, here am I, send me.

prayers

Jul 14, 2013 by tracy

Prayers, prayers, prayers – they really are my lifeblood. In the past seven days I have been told of two different families that are praying for me every single day and have been for quite some time.

I was shocked when our adorable elderly neighbor stood up in church and talked about how much she loves me and prays for me every single day. I was touched deep down to my little toes to hear this good woman pour out her heart in love for me and my precious children.

Then this morning after a pretty rough night…more on that later…Tami told me her Uncle Jim and Aunt Bev, who I have always loved to pieces, pray for me every single day.

Every. Single. Day.

That is some dedication. When I think about these four people praying for me and the healing of my hip every single day my heart is filled to bursting. I can’t even think about it without crying. Knowing they are praying for me strengthens my own prayers. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to God about this one more time. Sometimes I don’t even mention it and talk to Him instead about others who surely need His comfort even more than I do. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the whole thing…the acute injury, the long-term damage that has been done by the car accident and the last (almost) eighteen months with a labral tear, the connective tissue disorder with its accompanying faulty collagen, the pain, the seizures, the passing out, the calling from God, the blessings he has showered down on me, the financial costs of the whole thing, the stress on our family life, the majesty of my husband’s tender care, the never-ending questions from concerned people asking how I am, my children growing up with a debilitated mother, the rhythms and routines of my home falling apart, the EVERYTHING.

But knowing these four people are praying for me has changed something in me. It is filling me with courage and hope. If they can pray for me every day, surely I can pray for me every day. Surely I can continue to petition The Lord for comfort and company and peace and healing.

Thank you to all the praying people of the world. Thank you for giving me some of your heart.

healing my hip, what a journey

Jun 6, 2013 by tracy

I started physical therapy back in April and it has been a little rough. Pretty darn painful most of the time I am there and then really painful after I leave, but I have continued to attend my sessions because I felt prompted by the Spirit to go and I am trying to trust that prompting and trust that it will help.

And I think it is helping! With regards to hip pain, the last two weeks have been the best two weeks in the past fifteen months. I have had far, far less pain, more mobility, more range of motion, and more stability than I have had since the labral tear in February 2012. I was amazed at how well I did at Swim Camp and was able to move around relatively pain free most of the time (I did have a little setback when I ran across the field to rescue Fisher from a bloody nose, but other than that my hip held up fabulously well.) and even when I was in pain, it was nothing compared to the last many months.

So, it is helping. The joint is gliding more smoothly and my pubic bone is staying in its correct spot. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! At yesterday’s appointment we successfully found two exercises I could do that didn’t cause me to pass out (at my appointment two weeks ago, everything we tried did cause me to pass out) and now I can start doing them at home.

Dr. Jones also thinks he has solved part of the mystery. Yesterday he was able to find my femoral nerve and trace it to its insertion point. He could feel that it was entrapped by scar tissue and that it is angry and constantly firing. He had me arch my back and move my head different directions and my femoral nerve would fire and I would wince. I guess that isn’t supposed to happen. Arching my back or turning my head shouldn’t effect my femoral nerve at all. I am pretty sure my pudendal nerve is also entrapped because I have most of those symptoms as well.

The downside of all of this is my ovary is really hurting. It is also entrapped by scar tissue and keeps twisting. Earlier today I thought I might die (hyperbole, but boy, howdy, it was painful) and tonight I am moving pretty gingerly so it doesn’t flare up again.

Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and cry my little eyes out, but I am determined to heal. I am determined to do everything I can to get my body back. And if I can’t have my body back, I am determined to make the most of what I have, and live life to the fullest. I am a fighter.

laxity is not my favorite thing

May 16, 2013 by tracy

Yesterday was rough. Really, really rough.

Physical therapy was painful and bones shifted out of place and tears were shed and Dr. Jones (aka Jeremy – the physical therapist) said I am much, much more lax than he previously thought and our exercise and strengthening plan was put on hold.

The tiny amount of muscle work we did yesterday sent everything into spasm and pulled my pelvic bones way out of place. The spasms continued for several hours even with electrical stimulation and a giant ice pack. So, we are going to have to take my rebuild-my-pelvic muscles-plan much slower than we planned. He also gave me some dismal news…a hip replacement is not an option for me – I am way too lax for it to work. I absolutely do NOT want a hip replacement, but it has always been in the back of my mind that it was an option if none of my other approaches work. Now I learn even that is not an option.

Pretty discouraging.

This connective tissue stuff is bigger than I thought. And I can’t solve it. I can’t fix it. Nothing I do is going to make my connective tissue rubber-band-like instead of taffy-like. Nothing.

And I am grieving. I am grieving the life I thought I would have, the body I thought I had, and a million other things.

But God is good. He sent Kim, a friend I haven’t seen since last summer, to meet me in the parking lot and hold me while I cried. She prayed with me and gave me wise counsel about leaning in to God. She looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me, God loved me, and He is with me.

I spent the afternoon in bed with ice packs all over me. I cried some more. I ate a huge salad with avocados.

And then I put my big girl panties on and moved on with life. Richard helped me hobble out to the family room and covered me with ice packs so I could lead a discussion on Frankenstein. And I laughed and smiled and shared.

Life goes on. Even if my body doesn’t work right, life goes on.

Note to self: focus on the blessings, keep my chin up, lean in to God, and let the tears flow when they need to.

another day of pain

May 15, 2013 by tracy

Today is physical therapy day. Argh! Have you ever had scar tissue broken up? It hurts ~~just a wee bit~~ up the wazoo.

And then afterwards it hurts even more. So today is a day of ice packs and rest and focus on healing and faith and blessings. I must stay in a place of gratitude or the whole plan goes out the window because then anger and sadness and hopelessness takes over.

I could get angry that I have a genetic disorder with no cure and a pretty yucky prognosis.

I could get angry at the man who ran into me when I was forty weeks pregnant and messed up my pelvis, my birth, my sex life, and my ability to have more children.

I could get angry at my body for being allergic to the one thing that can help my ligaments get stronger and the torn cartilage knit back together.

I could get angry at the pain.

I could get angry at my body for passing out at really inconvenient times.

I could get angry when my hands turn a lifeless color of grey or my feet lose all sensation for hours at a time.

I could get angry when my heartbeat shoots up to 140 and scares me to death.

I could get angry at never knowing what I will or will not be able to do on a daily basis.

I could get angry when I can’t make it through a day without spending hours in bed.

I could get angry when my nervous system goes into freak-out mode and makes me feel like I am being electrocuted from the inside out.

I could get angry at the lack of solutions there are for ANY of my issues.

I could get angry at how dang expensive all of this has been and will continue to be.

But none of that will help me get better. None of that will help me mother these precious children in love. None of that will keep me focused on God and His miraculous power to heal me. None of that will keep my heart open and my mind clear.

So I let it go. Again and again and again I let it go. It bubbles up every once in a while and I consciously focus on releasing it to God because that anger is poison. It could eat up my soul if I let it. It could drag me down to misery and take away everything I hold most dear.

I choose to focus on my blessings. First of all, I know it could be much, much worse. I could be terminally ill or have a child in excruciating pain fighting for their life. I could require round-the-clock care. I could have a husband who is impatient or apathetic. I could have children who are rebellious and hard-hearted. So, in the big picture, I am very, very blessed. I have an amazing husband, lovely children, a fabulous friendship circle, knowledge of God, parents who love me, aunts and uncles and cousins who support me from the sidelines, food to eat, trees to look at, a church family who cares about me, cute dishes to eat out of, books to read, a mind that can learn, a million other blessings that are immensely more impactful on my life than my lack of collagen and super-stretchy ligaments.

Even in the midst of this really frustrating journey I am on, I am blessed.

I have four beautiful, amazing children. The reality is I could have none.
I can walk. Others with Ehlers-Danlos are not walking as well as I am.
I know all about alternative treatments and haven’t traversed the long, arduous path of repeated surgeries that don’t work with stretchy connective tissue.
I started my journey with really strong muscles that have held me together for longer than many other people with Ehlers-Danlos.
I am willing to try new things to get better.
I have an absolutely amazing chiropractor (Uncle Wayne) who is walking this path with me and helping me navigate the healing process.
I have really, really good days when nothing at all seems wrong with me and I am able to get quite a bit done on those days.
I have older children who can do a lot of the cooking and cleaning in our home and little ones who are resilient and have been blessed to deal with having partially non-functioning mother for the past fifteen months.
I have received numerous priesthood blessings that have given me peace and healing.
I have been able to keep teaching gymnastics with A LOT of help from my assistants and a lot of patience on the part of my students.
I have an amazing life. A really amazing life. A life full of love and fun and service and growth and opportunities and support and good food and laughter and hugs and faith and adventures.

I am so blessed. And so today while I am hurting I am going to choose to focus on the blessings and once again, let the anger go.

passing out is for the birds

May 6, 2013 by tracy

It seems the passing out is not over yet. Two weeks ago I passed out six times on our date. This weekend on our trip to Kuna I passed out twice. I would love to understand exactly what is going on. I feel perfectly fine today and at this moment passing out seems like it will never happen again.

But I keep thinking that. And it keeps happening. So who knows?

my poor hip

May 1, 2013 by tracy

So, about six weeks ago (or was it longer?) I had a spiritual prompting to seek the advice and/or care of a physical therapist. I was a wee bit shocked at this prompting because physical therapists are known to really mess up both labral tears and people with connective tissue disorders because they apply their normal hip techniques and those things just don’t work for those of us in the super-stretchy club. So, I started researching and asking questions and trying to figure out who I would trust with my hip. I finally found a therapist I felt good about and we started emailing back and forth. I really liked what he wrote to me – he answered all my questions and seemed to have an excellent grasp of Ehlers-Danlos and what he could and could not do to help me.

So, I scheduled an appointment for his first opening on the 15th of May and requested they call me if there was a cancellation. Last week they called and I shouted with glee at my bounteous blessings.

My first appointment was nothing like I expected. I thought he would have me doing exercises and range of motion stuff. Instead he put his hand down my pants and worked on the soft tissue surrounding my hip socket.

Boy howdy, was that painful. I didn’t scream or anything, but I did wince. A lot. He found tons of scar tissue. He quickly discovered my ovary is surrounded by it and is adhered to my pelvic wall. He found my pubic bone recessed and tilted and giving no support to my hip socket. My sacrum was way too tight and hip socket was WAY too loose (no surprise there since it can dislocate when I roll over in bed). So he worked on all those things and helped them manuever back into their correct places.

I had to carry ice packs around with me for the rest of the day to help with the inflammation, but was doing much better by the next day. Still sore, but I didn’t need ice packs.

Fast forward to today’s appointment. This time I screamed. He worked on my ovary again to loosen the adhesions to the pelvic wall. Super painful. He worked on the inguinal ligament and I about died. Then he worked on the pubic bone and this is when I screamed. It was sticking up and getting in the way of my hip’s rotation. So, he decided to push it back into place with lots of pressure and contortions of my leg. Oh, my. I needed a friend there to hold my hand. Then he worked on the adductor muscles to help the pubic symphysis stay in place.

He told me to get an SI belt and now one is on its way to my house. He also really wants to figure out a way for me to get more prolozone injections, minus the procaine, of course. I don’t know what to think of that idea. Part of me is scared to death of ever having a seizure again and part of me knows I have to figure out a way to give this hip more stability and the only way anyone knows how to do that is with prolozone. So, I am doing more research and evaluating all the different cocktails that are out there.

Jeremy, the physical therapist, feels strongly that all this damage in my hip is from the car accident I had at 40 weeks pregnant with Fisher. My pubic symphysis snapped at that time and my uterine ligaments tore and my pelvis has been in terrible shape ever since, but until this labral tear injury I really believed I was okay. God worked a mighty big miracle to get Annesley here and while I have always known that, I am coming to see His power more and more as we delve further into the sad shape of my anatomy.

I spent the afternoon icing my abdomen and hip while doing math with Kez and Fisher and tonight I felt well enough to drive the girls to ballet. I will ice again here in a little bit and then hope to be up and out of bed tomorrow.

I wish we had some magic laser technology that could go inside me and clean up all the scar tissue, tighten the ligaments, put all the bones where they go, and then wrap it all up in happy juice so I could go back to my active life. Until then I will keep trying to figure out how to heal this crazy hip.

procaine be gone

Apr 23, 2013 by tracy

So, it seems the shaking and passing out are back. At least they have been visiting the past few days. I am ready for them to hit the road and never return, but we will see what happens and try to wrap our emotions and plans around my body’s needs.

Saturday night Richard and I went out on a much needed date. We hardly saw each other last week because on top of his normal schedule he also had five extra energy healing sessions. When his sixth session for Saturday night cancelled, we took advantage of it and decided to spend some time together. Near the end of our date I started shaking, then passed out. The cycle repeated six more times while Richard worked on all my body systems to get them back into working order.

I haven’t passed out again, but it has been close a few times. My body is dumping a ton of the Procaine, which is good, but it short-circuits my system if there is not enough water in me to move it out.

So, the focus is on water, magnesium, and rest.

full days, full nights

Apr 15, 2013 by tracy

The last week has been full of inspiration, friends, food, fun, new ideas, adventures, family, and excitement. It has been chock full of so, so much.

Hence, I haven’t blogged. Blogging requires me to have a little bit of time in a day to type out my thoughts and this week I had time to live fully, but nothing extra was left over for typing.

Monday

My pelvis had been shifting out of place for a few days and was giving me quite a bit of nerve pain, so late in the afternoon I was able to squeeze in an appointment with my chiropractor to put everything back in place. It is always a little frightening to me to have my hip manipulated because I do not want anything to happen to cause more injury to the area. He did a fabulous job and gently worked my hip socket, psoas, IT band, and trochanter till everything was back in their correct spots and the pain was gone. While I was there I asked him about riding my recumbent bike…see yesterday’s post for more on that!

Monday night during Family Home Evening we were treated to delicious cinnamon rolls from our friends, the Thomases. They were thoroughly enjoyed and quickly devoured.

Tuesday

Learning time. Cleaning time. Get ready for iFamily time. More cleaning time. Run to the store and get more chick feed time. Mutual for the big girls in two different places. More get ready for iFamily time.

Wednesday

Seminary. Play practice for Keziah’s Improv class. iFamily fun and teaching my three classes. Get locked out of my car by Miss Annes. Friend rescue to drive to Rigby and get extra keys. Very rushed dinner time for all the big ballet girls. Run the ballet girls to ballet. Rush home to hold a book discussion at my home on The Jew In The Lotus. Learn a lot. Go to bed way too late.

Thursday

Learning time. See the sunshine and no wind and realize there are cheap flats of strawberries being delivered in town today and decide to have a strawberry-park-library-bike shop afternoon. First trip to the park for 2013. Underdogs for Annesley on the swing. Kez, Fish, and Annes playing tag. Lying down on the picnic table in the sun = pure joy. Then a leisurely library trip where we discovered some new books and I felt like a normal Mama Tracy again. Then the bike shop to figure out bike trainers and the awesome bike store owner who let me borrow a trainer for the weekend. Sometime during the afternoon my cousins, Jim and Bev, dropped by our home and invited us to dinner. They were here from Colorado for their son’s college graduation. Blythe was the only one home so she gave them my number and we started working out a plan to see one another. Because of my hip injury and my breast lump the summer before I haven’t been to the family reunion for the past two summers and have SO missed my extended family. After some rearranging of schedules, we were able to work it all out to meet them for dinner. It was wonderful to catch up with them and visit over some yummy food. Jim even treated us – how fun is that?! After dinner we hurried over to a fundraiser for Dando Amor and OSSO, Blythe’s new passion. She is hoping to serve a volunteer mission with OSSO very soon. What an inspiring evening! We were able to learn more about the work the volunteers do, cry over the great need of the children of Equador, and listen to amazing performances of Broadway songs put on by Playmill performers, past and present. It was an amazing night. Blythe was able to meet with the director of OSSO and she has her heart set on serving in Equador for 3 – 4 months. After the performances, we went shopping in the lobby for special things from Equador and Burkina Faso. Keziah bought a darling bag, Blythe found an adorable wallet, and I bought some wire bugs for Fisher and Annes. We didn’t get home till after 11 p.m. and quickly found the two late nights in a row had about done me in.

Friday and Saturday

Woke up as early as I could given the lack of sleep the past few days and packed for the Mom’s Retreat for iFamily. Then, after getting to gym a bit later than usual, I taught gym, thought I was invincible and did two handstands on the vault AND rescued a boy who was going to crash on his head. The handstands were okay, at least they felt okay at the time, but the rescue did me in. I dislocated my shoulder and wrenched my hip out of place and soon had to lie down with ice packs on both regions. As gym wore on, my pain increased, and my frustration with myself went right along with it. By the time Kat and Heather picked me up for the retreat I was ready to be immersed in an ice bath, but I only had a dinky little ice pack to keep switching from shoulder to hip and my right shoulder was several inches than my left. Ouch.

Off to the Mom’s Retreat we went and oh, what fun we had! Kat catered the event and her food creations are always delicious. We had some wonderful presentations on nurturing ourselves as moms, nurturing our family, specific principles we can implement in our homes in our own individual ways to be more effective in our mothering roles, and stayed up till almost 3 a.m. talking and laughing as only a bunch of girls can do. The next morning we had more of Kat’s yummy food and then I did a vision walk with the group and we had a powerful discussion on our roles as women, daughters, mothers, and friends. After a quick cabin clean-up, we started home through gale force winds, lightening, and rain.

I reconnected with my children, took a catch-up nap, then got ready for our evening activities. The girls went to the Symphony to hear Beethoven’s Fifth and an awesome percussion concerto while Richard had a date with Fisher and Annes. I went to Stake Conference and took pages of notes, basked in the Spirit, and felt inspired to more fully commune with God on a daily basis.

What a week. Chock full of really, really good things. But now, I need some days of early bed times to catch up on all the missed hours of ZZZs. I

on the road again – almost

Apr 14, 2013 by tracy

Last week I went to get my hip and pelvis put back together and while I was there I asked my chiropractor about riding my recumbent bike. For many weeks now I have felt that riding my bike is my next step. I feel strongly that I need to ride my bike, but when I read physical therapy guidelines for labral tears, I get scared because they all say no way due to the stress recumbent bikes put on hip flexors. They strongly recommend upright bikes which are not an option for me because of the pelvic damage I have from the car accident/Fisher’s birth eight years ago. So, what is a girl to do who needs to build her leg muscles (really, all of her muscles)? She needs to pray and research and ask questions and find her own path. So I have been studying and thinking and pondering and asking. I am determined NOT to do something stupid and reinjure my hip, but the reality is I must find a way to build muscle because the muscles throughout my body need to be strong enough to compensate for my super-stretchy connective tissue caused by the Ehlers-Danlos. Not doing anything could very well be worse than doing something. My dislocations are becoming more frequent and more severe. On Friday my shoulder dislocated worse than it has in years and rendered my arm useless for hours. My jaw has started dislocating and causing me some pain. My hip is dislocating more and more frequently and is quite unstable. If I get bumped or get off-balance to a very small degree I will crash to the floor. My formerly very strong muscles have deteriorated significantly over the past 14 months of injury, bed rest, and inactivity. So, I am searching for answers. Searching for things I can do and WILL do on a daily basis to grow me some muscles.

Dr. Orchard and my dear, sweet husband both feel like I should ride my bike. They want me to take it slowly, ride with no degree of resistace at all – so no hills of any size, no riding into the wind, and no difficult gears, be diligent in my observance of my hip, take all my herbs and supplements, and do my comfrey/slippery elm/turmeric/plantain poultice daily.

I was so excited when he evaluated the tear and said he thinks it is ready for a super mild ride. I nearly screamed, but was able to contain myself to giant grin. I immediately called my mother full of excitement and she, understandably so, was quite concerned. She doesn’t want me to reinjure myself. She doesn’t want me to crash (which I have been known to do on my super-skinny tires) or get off-balance or get hit by a car or anything else that could possibly happen to hurt her little girl. She recommended a trainer that I could set up in my house far away from cars, slippery gravel, and would eliminate any possibility of crashing. I wailed and resisted and said, “NO WAY! I want to be on the road again. I want to feel the sun on my face and ride for miles and miles through the country.” She persisted in presenting the logic of her plan and I promised her I would think about it.

Well, I shared her idea with Richard and he thought it was a fabulous idea. I listened and fumed and eventually my resistance wore down. They are right. A trainer makes much more sense for right now because I won’t crash. I won’t have to figure out a way to avoid the Idaho wind. Most importantly, I can do it every day in my home without any worries of weather or cold. I SO want to be outside, but I have decided it is wise to start inside on a trainer.

So, I started researching trainers and went to our bike shop and talked to them. After hearing my story, they let me borrow a trainer for the weekend so we could figure out if my body will even let me get on the bike or pedal for any length of time at all. Isn’t that lovely!

Richard got it all set up for me and today was my first ride! My children pretty much freaked out. Annesley said “Mom! You are really going to sit on your bike? Can you DO that?”

After getting situated and figuring out a position that would work, Richard worked on my gears to make it as easy as possible. And then I pedaled. Me! I did it. I rode my bike for the first time in a lllloooonnnngggg time. I made myself stop after ten minutes of pedaling in a super easy gear with no resistance and hardly any effort required. We simply tested out the motion and its effect on my hip.

Amazingly enough I had no pain! And now, hours later, I am still pain free. I can’t wait to get on again tomorrow and then the trainer has to go back to the bike shop.

So, now I am searching for a used Kinectic Fluid Trainer (the fluid ones are the most expensive, but they also are the most stable, last indefinitely, respond to your bodies input, have a much greater degree of resistance options from hardly any to quite difficult, and are the quietest) and thinking up things I can sell to fund this purchase. Even if I can eventually get on the road again there are many days that the weather is not conducive to riding and I will still need to be able to work those muscles and make them grow into super-strong-compensating-workhorses, so a trainer is a great long-term item for my health.

This is so huge to me. I am so grateful to be at this point in my recovery to be able to even sit on my bike and pedal. I want to shout “Hallelujah!”

genealogy – i am doing it

Mar 27, 2013 by tracy

It has been one year since our trip to Utah in the invalid mobile. Kat and Jessica made that trip one hilarious adventure after another. Doctor’s visits, MRIs, little teeny-tiny needles that are used on babies and yet still freaked me out, hospital gowns, a full-rainstorm of tears over delicious Thai food, puddles of urine all over my mattress and my valiant friends trying to change my clothes, mooning Roy, UT (completely on accident, of course), sheer terror on my part being overcome by the love, support, and courage of my friends, and a million miracles all orchestrated by God.

One year today.

It has been an amazing year. I am deeply grateful for the experiences I have had since that day. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for the guidance of the Spirit and the care of my Savior. I am grateful to God for the blessings he has poured out upon me. I am grateful to my husband for his unwavering support, never-ending patience, and tender care of my aching body. I am grateful for an army of friends who have prayed, cooked, cleaned, hugged, smiled, cheered, laughed, cried, and carried me through this year. I wish every suffering person could have a battalion of my friends.

One year ago today Jessica’s father gave me a powerful priesthood blessing. I was sure he would deliver words of healing to my soul. Promises of a full recovery for my hip injury. Relief from the immense pain I was in. But he didn’t. God had a different message for me.

I was commanded to find my family and help them by doing their temple work. At the time I didn’t even know I had family that needed their work done and did not even identify my father’s family as my family. They were complete strangers to me and I had no interest in them and could not comprehend they had an interest in me. In that blessing I was told they are watching, waiting, and praying for me. I was told they love me. I had a very hard time believing those words at the time, but now I know they are true. I know that many of these ancestors have guided me to find themselves and their loved ones. I know many of them have had hard lives of pain and struggle and that these ordinances are providing a way for them to learn and grow in their relationship with their Savior. I know that as I continue to pray for them that their hearts will be changed and they will find healing and peace through the ordinances of the temple.

So how has this all worked out? Well, it took me over two weeks to decide to be obedient. At the time I didn’t want to do it. It was very difficult for me to accept that God had called me to something so big because that meant I had to accept on a deeper level than I ever had before that He loved me and could ask me to do a very specific thing for Him. I had to take His love into my heart and allow it to change my heart. I didn’t want to change. I felt just fine as I was. I also didn’t know the first thing about doing genealogy and I didn’t want to learn. I wanted my hip to be healed and to be free to do what I wanted to do. I wanted to run and jump and play and stop hurting. Perhaps the biggest thing feeding my reluctance is I had a sense of just how huge this undertaking would be. I could feel the weight of it settling down on me and I could not comprehend how I could do something so big. I knew I didn’t have the time, the skills, or the love to do it.

So, I hemmed and hawed. I cried a lot. But on April 15, after many days of delay, I started. That first day was frustrating. I couldn’t figure out how to do anything. I read outdated instructions on the internet about floppy disks and pedigree charts and about screamed in frustration that genealogy was living in the dark ages. I called my mom and ranted. She told me to call my Aunt Louise and find out how to start. Well, Louise was super helpful and explained everything and off to the races I went. Many hours later I had 30 people entered into my tree and was on fire with how exciting it all was. The first person I found was Sallie, my father’s grandma. I fell in love with Sallie. I even found her last living daughter through one of those people-search sites and called her up. Of course she had no idea who I was, but it was wonderful to ask her questions about Sallie and her family and get a little sense of who these people are.

The next morning my eyes popped open at 6:00 (which is a huge anomoly – I am NOT a morning person) and I opened my iPad and got right to work again. I did a google search for the next person on my list and was given a link to RootsWeb. I clicked on it and found all sorts of information about my ancestor. I clicked around some more and kept seeing this woman’s name, Rosalie, with her contact information, so I wrote to her. It turns out she is a genealogist and had been researching her family for the past thirty plus years. She is related to me on both sides of my father’s line and so all her research is the same research I needed to do, but it was already done! We have been talking and sharing information ever since and have made some amazing discoveries together.

Since then I have kept working on my family tree and my life has changed a lot. I shifted gears and it has taken some time to figure out how to balance wifehood, motherhood, friendhood, laundryhood, and all the other hoods of my life (who am I kidding, I haven’t even begun to find balance yet, it is still pretty much all-consuming!). I have added thousands of people, witnessed many miracles, received guidance from both the Holy Ghost and these ancestors, and invited many people to do ordinance work at the temple for my family.

If you are not LDS, you are probably wondering what ordinance work is…well, let me explain. When an adult is ready to make covenants with Heavenly Father, they go to the temple and receive their endowment, which is a gift from our Father to allow us to enter into covenant with Him and receive spiritual help for our journey back to Him. You can read more about it here. After we have made these covenants for ourselves, we can then stand in place of our deceased ancestors and make the same covenants for them. We believe these ancestors are then able to accept the covenants and receive the blessings of being in a covenant relationship with God and the spiritual help it bestows or choose to not accept the covenants. They are not at all bound by what we do here. It is a gift we can give them and they are completely free to partake of the gift or not. When we go to the temple for our ancestors, there are six different ordinances to do. Baptism, confirmation of the Holy Ghost, initiatory, endowment, sealing to parents, and sealing to spouse. Once our youth are twelve years old, they can participate in baptisms and confirmations and my girls and their friends go to the temple about once a week to do so. Only adults can do the last four ordinances and so I have enlisted many friends, family, and ward members to help me. In the past year we have done thousands and thousands of ordinances. It has been an amazing experience, far more precious than I can describe in a blog post.

Now it has been one year since God invited me on this path with Him and I am pleased with my work. I have done what He asked me to do. To me, that is huge. I am often not that great at being the most dependable person, my house is not organized or well-run, I lose papers all the time, I lock myself out of my car, and I am often late to appointments. But I have done this. I have stuck with it. I have put thousands of hours into this endeavor. I have not given up. Most of all, I have changed. My heart has been softened and been filled with love for these people I have never met in this life.

Today twenty to thirty of my friends will be joining me in the temple to do the sealing ordinances for hundreds of my family members. We will be giving them the opportunity to be joined together for eternity as husband and wife and parent and child. It is the crowning jewel of all the ordinances because it allows a family to be together forever.

I am so excited. I almost can’t breathe with all the anticipation that has been building inside me.

If any of you local friends would like to join us, please do! Email me and we will get it all figured out.

i don’t know

Mar 16, 2013 by tracy

Yesterday was a really good hip day. I was not in any significant amount of pain all day long AND I didn’t go and do anything crazy even though I was feeling good. I was smart (which is oh, so very hard for me!) and stayed focused on healing.

But all that focus on healing had me thinking about the past year an awful lot and I had some epiphanies. I haven’t wanted to talk about my hip for the last few weeks. People ask me how it is and I keep responding with “Can we talk about something else?” I haven’t really known why I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t. Well, I think I have figured it out. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say it is doing better when just a few minutes later I could be moaning (or screaming) in pain. I don’t want to say it is doing worse because I could have a great hour right around the corner. I don’t want to make any predictions because the reality is I DON’T KNOW. I don’t have a clue what is in store for me and this hip. I have good moments, bad moments, and horribly-excruciating-I-think-I-am-going-to-die moments. It is a twisty, curvy, up-and-down, roller coaster and changes so many times throughout the day that I just don’t know what to expect at any specific moment. I don’t know the answers to the questions that everyone keeps asking and I don’t want to say or indicate or let someone believe something that isn’t true, so I don’t want to talk about it. Does that make sense?

Another epiphany I had yesterday is that I AM improving. It is just at such a slow rate of progress that it is really difficult to quantify or even notice because it is not at a steady rate or incline. I remember back in September how much pain I was in after standing for a short period of time. I remember in October trying to run (ha-ha, more like a slow trot) around the circle of Duck, Duck, Goose and how I ached for hours afterwards. I am healing. My nerves are going into freak-out mode a lot lately, but they are also in calm-mode a lot. They are going in and out of each mode quickly and maybe that is a sign of improvement? They aren’t staying in freak-out mode and that seems to be a good thing (but again, I don’t really know anything, ha-ha).

A third epiphany I had is I need to figure out a way to burn some calories and strengthen muscles in a way that won’t hurt my hip. Yesterday a friend told me she has gone down two pant sizes and how much she was hating having to spend money on new clothes. I thought, boy howdy, I have gone up two pant sizes and I am REALLY hating spending money on larger new clothes. It wouldn’t bother me a bit to have to spend money on smaller clothes! The past year of so much inactivity has harmed me in lots of ways – cardiovascularly, muscularly, and certainly size-wise. This needs to change, but I don’t know how to change it.

Again, I don’t know.

Do you have any idea how much I dislike not knowing things? It drives me crazy.

With these warmer days, I want to be out riding my bike. I wonder what that would do to my hip. I have read on a few sites that people with hip injuries should avoid recumbent bikes. I have read on other sites that they are fine. Again, I don’t know what the truth is. I kind of want to try it today and see what happens, but I am scared to mess my hip up further. Hmmm.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery?

recap

Mar 10, 2013 by tracy

Whew!

We made it through this very full week – and not only barely hanging on with our fingernails, I think we did it with glory!

Sunday we traveled to Logan to attend Miss Oaklyn Noel’s baby blessing. It was a wonderful day with family, friends, and yummy food, and thanks to Richard’s driving the rest of us were able to get a nap in.

Monday we cleaned the carpets, got Keziah to an extra ballet class, had a great visit with our friends, Rachael and Ryan, who brought us yummy cake, read some of Freckles, and made it to bed at a somewhat decent hour.

Tuesday we learned and cleaned and prepared for the days ahead AND had a huge breakthrough with parenting one of our children – can’t really share it, but it took up an enormous amount of energy that day and could have ended very badly, but through a lot of patience and talking and listening and crying we worked it out. That night we celebrated Richard’s birthday with Lemon Meringue Pie – his favorite, and then after presents and snuggles with the kids, I kidnapped him and took him to the 9:40 showing of Les Mis at the $2.50 theater. Five buck date = perfect. It made for a very late night (morning?), but was completely worth being alone with my sweetie for hours watching one of the greatest stories ever told.

Wednesday we taught and took our classes at iFamily, headed up the cleaning of the building, got a car full of girls to ballet, and crashed into bed that night at 7:20 to give my hip some rest.

Thursday we did more learning and cleaning and preparing, all while I conducted Homeschool Swim Camp registration and put together a huge book order with Bluestocking Press. We also attended Pack Meeting for Fisher, Relief Society for me, and ballet for Blythe.

Friday we made it through gym, a matinee performance of Swan Lake, an evening performance of Swan Lake (thanks Jen!), and then Fisher, Annes, and I spent the evening reading stories of knights and adventure.

Saturday was full on Seder preparation. Setting the table takes a full day and while the table was lovely, not everything else got done. But I kept my head about me and didn’t freak out and everything turned out just fine. We had a wonderful evening with my students and friends sharing the beauty of Passover.

Sunday was glorious. I attended all of my church meetings for the first time since January 6. I loved every minute of it. I have so missed partaking of the Sacrament, participating in Gospel Doctrine (Sunday School) and Relief Society (women’s organization) and the fellowship of my ward (local congregation) members. I have been going to meetings for a few weeks, but haven’t made it all the way through till today, so yippee! Banner day for me. The speaker in Sacrament Meeting spoke of faith with such power, I stood in the back crying and basking in the Spirit. I want to be her friend – and I told her so later in the day – I hope she doesn’t think I am crazy! I think we will need to invite them over for dinner or something. We all got a lovely nap in during the afternoon, did some genealogy, and now it is time for reading and scripture time with my family. I love Sundays!

My hip freaked out on Wednesday and again on Sunday, but other than that it held up really well this week, which enabled me to get through the huge list of stuff we needed to get done.

Hallelujah!

one year later and wiser, too

Feb 25, 2013 by tracy

Wednesday, February 20 marked the one year anniversary of my labral tear (if you would like to read the whole story of my injury, here is the archive of all the hip posts). I wanted to commemorate this time…I needed to commemorate this time to bring me some sort of okay-ness about having a whole year pass by and me still being injured. For the past week or more I had been living in a deep, dark hole of despair that year after year after year will pass by and I will continue to have hip pain, continue to be unable to do the things I yearn to do, and continue to be unable to have a baby.

So, on Tuesday I made a decision to cut my hair. If I was feeling frumpy and grumpy, I figured, at least I could look cute on the outside. Then I decided to throw a Hippie Party for myself and as many friends as could come. Then I decided to attend the temple.

All good choices, but I couldn’t figure out how on earth I would have the energy for all of them. Somehow it all worked out. Tuesday I was able to get in with my friend Becky’s stylist at the very last minute and she did a great job cutting my hair while I propped myself up in her chair on two large pillows. Wednesday I attended the temple and had a precious experience with the Lord. Thursday a whole gang of hippies devoured seven PARTY size gator bites.

It was exactly what I needed. I needed to tame my hair, re-covenant with the Lord that I was still committed to doing the work He has asked me to do with my ancestors, and laugh myself silly with my friends.

I am feeling much more at peace about being at the year mark and still being injured. I am learning to accept that this may be my life. I may always have this hip injury and the resulting pain and inability to do all the things I want. I am not thrilled at that idea, but I am learning to have some measure of peace about it.

I have learned a lot over the past year. Lessons I want to remember forever…lessons I don’t want to try to remember, but instead hope they have become part of my soul and will serve me for the rest of my life.

God knows me.
God loves me.
My Richard is full of love for me and will do anything to help me.
My children are strong.
Pain is a humbling affliction.
Pain turns me to the Lord.
Pain gets really old, really quick, changes perceptions and behaviors, and I need to have compassion on others who are hurting, physically or spiritually.
Laughter is good for my soul.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
God can heal me. My job is to trust Him.
My ancestors know me.
My ancestors love me.
My family of aunts, uncles, and cousins is amazing and full of support and love for me.
Healing is a process, both physically and spiritually.
The power of God is real.
Priesthood blessings can and do work miracles.
My support network of friends and family is absolutely wonderful. When I think back on the past year of service I have been given I am completely overwhelmed with tears of gratitude. I have been fed, clothed, driven, held, prayed for, loved, cleaned for, hugged, and anything else I have needed for the past twelve months. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Every single act of kindness has been recorded in my heart and has got me through many dark days.
Immersing myself in the word of God brings peace.
Spending time in the temple brings joy.
Reality is not always what it seems to be.
Some things are unexplainable with our mortal minds.
Miracles happen. Daily.
Clean sheets can transform me.
Life goes on in spite of what is going on in my individual life.
Little things make a big difference in my ability to cope. I want to be one of those little things for others who are struggling to cope as well.
Jesus’ atonement is the only thing I really, really need. Coming to depend solely on Him is what I am here to learn.
The covenants made in the house of the Lord change souls.
Love always wins.
God is teaching me and will continue to do so so I can grow in His ways.
Living in the moment is a much better plan than living in fear of the future.
There are seasons in our lives. I can learn and grow in each season of my life instead of wishing to be in a different season.
Teaching my children is a precious stewardship.
My marriage is a gift from God and I need to treat it as such. Richard is such a special treasure and I am blessed beyond measure to have him as my eternal companion. His love for me has created in me a new being and enabled me to fully trust God and give Him my heart.

Now for some pictures from our awesome Hippie Party. Everyone dressed up as a hippie (except for Joy, who is dressed up as a Scout, having rushed over from Den Meeting!) wrote on my poster board, laughed hysterically at the memories of this past year, and ate loads of delicious gator bites (little potatoes cooked in some secret manner and covered in cheese AND bacon – I don’t eat pork, but on gator bites I thoroughly enjoy the bacon – and then dipped in gator sauce). So much fun! Every time Kat and Jessica share the pee incident on the MRI trip, I die laughing. They are so, so funny. Now, these pictures are pretty funny…please laugh and give yourself a little joy. And yes, I know I look ridiculous…and my shirt makes me look pregnant…or maybe I have really gained that much weight in the past year…who knows?

Yes, it is blurry, but I love it so much. Kat and Jessica are dying that I am so loud and flamboyant.

A lot of our group, but not all…

Sherry

Gary and Kari (if you are local and need your car cleaned, Gary is amaze-balls!

Just ignore all those red eyes, I will fix them later…I love this photo of Sarah, Kat, Jess, Amy, and moi.

Jess and Amy

Everyone wrote love notes to me – thank you, your words bring me so much joy! Yes, I have awesome friends…

Then Keri gave me the most beautiful green (my favorite color of the moment) wooden bowl that her husband made. She shared some lovely thoughts with me about knots and nots and strength and beauty and filled my soul with her wisdom. I could listen to Keri and her heart-shaped words every single day.

Ready for the superhero moment? Some secret someone stole my bill for the seven party-size gator bites and PAID for them all! How fun is that! Whoever you are, THANK YOU! You totally made my night!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me this year. Thank you for your prayers, your time, and most of all, your hearts. I don’t think I could have gotten through this year without everyone’s love – it has made all the difference.

I love you all!

boo-hoo for me

Feb 18, 2013 by tracy

I had a rough day yesterday. I was all geared up to attend church for the first time since January 6 and had a wonderful morning getting ready. Then I about cried my little heart out with love for the people I saw. So many hugs, so many kind words, so many smiles. Everyone’s kindness warmed my heart and I was thrilled to be there and was ready to partake of the Sacrament for the first time in many weeks.

Then my head started feeling like it was floating away, my arms went numb, and I got really weak. I made it through the meeting, but wasn’t doing so hot. Richard came to the back and took one look at me and told me I needed to go home and rest.

I AM SO TIRED OF RESTING!

I said, “No, I am going to make it through. I want to go to Sunday School and Relief Society and I can do it.”

He responded with “Trac, something is wrong. You don’t look right and your body systems are all over the place. Let me take you home. I am sorry this is happening. I know you want to be here, but you need to go home.”

Oh, the frustration. Oh, the questions that roll around my mind. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? I had a great week. NO shakiness. NO going white. No anything.

By the time he got me home, I was shaking and white and felt like I would pass out at any moment. I spent the rest of the day in bed doing genealogy and listening to General Conference talks on faith for my lesson next week.

I am trying to live in the moment. I am trying to take each moment as it comes and accept them for what they are. I am trying to be grateful for my body in whatever state of functioning it is in. I am trying to praise God each and every day.

But this is hard.

Really, really hard.

those awesome friends of mine

Feb 7, 2013 by tracy

Last Thursday I was in the depths of despair. I could not stop crying and had no hope that I would ever get out my bed again. I was beating myself up for not having enough having faith in God’s healing powers, for not being grateful enough for the miracle of Wednesday, for being too prideful (isn’t any pride too much?), and for being a gigantic burden to everyone around me. It was a dark, lonely place and I decided I wanted to stay there even though my friends were having a party complete with homemade curry, mint chocolate popcorn, and yummy Breyer’s ice cream. I refused to attend and told them I wanted to bury myself in a deep, dark hole and never talk to anyone or see anyone again. Well, those dear friends of mine wouldn’t stand for my nonsense and made me attend and between their delicious food, hilarious stories, and lots of snuggles they pulled me out of my stormcloud and back to reality…which is this, I have a really yucky labral tear that does not normally heal without surgery, surgery isn’t an option, so I am stuck with alternative treatments that my body seems to be rejecting and giving me seizures over. I also have a genetic collagen disorder that makes all the connective tissue in my body super-stretchy and prone to injuries, dislocations, labral tears, pain, and cartilage degeneration as well as pretty severe nervous system dysfunction that causes endless amounts of pain. I am surrounded by a husband that adores me through thick and thin AND he can do energy work to greatly lesson the pain, friends who love me and are committed to walking this path with me, four wonderful children who I have the privilege of raising and teaching and loving, parents who believe in me and truly want the best for me, a huge network of friends who love on my children, listen to my struggles, and pray for me. I have a rich family heritage of faith in God and courage to do hard things. I have a good head on my shoulders and can figure most anything out. I have a beautiful home in a beautiful place where my children can play and explore without fear. I have food in my cupboards. I have clothes. I have books and toys and computers and gobs of other things to create a wonderful learning environment for my children. I have made covenants with my Heavenly Father and am strengthened and blessed by them continually. Most of all, I know I am a child of God and that He knows me, loves me, and is doing all he can to bring me home to Him. I know He has given His children a Savior which makes it possible for us to be redeemed from our sins and healed from our sorrows.

I am richly blessed and while I may sometimes wallow in misery, I am so grateful for friends who know how to love me back to a place of peace.

ouch

Feb 7, 2013 by tracy

It’s not that I spoke too soon…yesterday WAS a banner day of feel-goodness…but I went to bed last night in so much pain. Richard covered my hip in ice packs and after about an hour of wincing and moaning, I was able to fall asleep. I woke up even worse. I tried to cross my ankles and felt like my hip was popping right out of my leg. The bursa on the trochanter is inflamed and my nerves are having a fireworks show all up and down my leg.

I am so, so tired of this.

So exhausted from the pain.

So worn out from hurting.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

Actually, I do. I am going to get serious about a poultice. I am going to have to sleep with a poultice on my hip until this is better.

It worked for Alma Smith, surely it will work for me, right?

singing

Feb 6, 2013 by tracy

WAHOO!!!

I sang all the way home from iFamily tonight. I don’t even know how long it has been since I have felt like belting a song out at the top of my lungs.

And tonight I did.

It felt so good to sing “You Are My Sunshine” and “When I Was An Itty-Bitty Baby” in my booming voice.

Today I am happy…and more energetic than I have been in weeks.

washing the counters

Feb 5, 2013 by tracy

Yippee! The utter and absolute exhaustion is letting up. Yesterday was the first day in four weeks that I was able to get up without feeling like I could pass out at any moment. I still stayed in bed all day, but went out to the family room for Family Home Evening and then read to my family from our new read-aloud. Afterwards, when the little children had gone to bed, I realized I was feeling pretty good and that my kitchen was looking pretty dismal. So, I sprayed down the counters and started scrubbing. Wahoo! I didn’t feel winded, my heart didn’t race, and I didn’t collapse. After that I still felt great, so I vacuumed the kitchen floor.

This is a first! And cause to celebrate! I think all the treatments I had over the weekend really helped.

some answers and some questions

Feb 4, 2013 by tracy

We are getting a few answers. My doctor has determined that I had an allergic reaction to the Procaine in the Prolozone injection I received on the 8th. It makes sense since my symptoms started immediately following the injection. Some of the known reactions to Procaine are tremors and passing out, which are exactly what I experienced.

But now, I don’t know what to do going forward. I need these injections to heal my hip. Surgery is not an option for a variety of reasons, the biggest one being it most likely will not work because of my ligament laxity. We also don’t really know what my outlook is with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or even if I really have it. I do meet the diagnostic criteria and it does seem to match my life history pretty well, but I don’t have a family history of it and as it is an autosomal dominant genetic disorder, one of my parents and/or grandparents should have symptoms as well. I have read so much on Ehlers-Danlos and I don’t like any of it. Part of me wants to become an expert on it and part of me wants to go on my merry way ignoring the very real possibility that I have a lifelong degenerative disorder that isn’t going to get any better no matter what I do.

On the up side, I am feeling much stronger today and my heart seems to be settling down after its craziness the last two weeks. I had acupuncture and a variety of other treatments over the weekend and am hoping the treatments will be the beginning of healing.

Other good news? The yard is full of snow and the two littles are having a blast sledding, Blythe starts piano this week and restarts violin lessons with a fabulous new-to-us teacher, we finished our read-aloud of Mama’s Bank Account and started our next book, The Land of The Blue Flower, and I’ve almost got our taxes done.

347 days

Feb 2, 2013 by tracy

Yesterday I typed up a really long post about the last few days and the roller coaster of emotions and physical symptoms I am on…but I lost it somehow and I don’t have it in me to retype it all.

To sum it up, YUCK.

Yucky emotions, yucky physical symptoms, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Tonight is the last night of Blythe’s play and I was fairly determined to go, but when Richard got home to take the little children, we decided I shouldn’t try. I would have to stand up the whole time because this week’s play is in a theater with theatre seats with no way for me to lie down. He was worried it would wear me right out and make it impossible for me to go to iFamily next week. He is probably right, but I am so disappointed. I hope someday when Blythe is a mother herself, she will understand that I would have been there if I possibly could have been. I hope she will know deep in her heart that I missed her performances only because my body is failing me and that it has nothing to do with her or how much I love her.

I know this isn’t the worst thing in the world. I know I am richly blessed. I know God is teaching me. And I am grateful. Grateful for a husband that considers it a privilege to love me and take care of me. Grateful for four beautiful children that love the Lord and have weathered this storm remarkably well. Grateful for parents that love me. Grateful for friends who have given and given and given. Grateful for a church community that cares about me. Grateful for my amazing homeschooling community that has helped me care for my children for the past year. Grateful for family history work that has given me purpose and drive to wake up each day. Grateful for my Savior who is walking this path with me and sends me love notes on a regular basis. So, so grateful.

Today is February 2nd. My great-grandfather’s birthday. He lived to be 103 and lived on his own till he was 99. I want to live with the same courage, faith, and good-humor that he blessed all of us with. I want to develop his love for the Savior. I want to live to be 103!

February 2nd means it is February. One year since I injured my hip. One year of pain, frustration, tears, service beyond compare, love, miracles, the outpouring of the Spirit, and humbling.

One year.

Can I be healed now?

a bit better

Jan 13, 2013 by tracy

I am continuing to improve and get stronger. I have walked to the bathroom several times by myself with someone close by to catch me if I fall. I haven’t fallen since late Friday night after Annesley threw up on me and I had to get out of bed for Richard to change the sheets. I decided to use the out-of-bed opportunity to stand at the sink and brush my teeth. They needed a good scrubbing, but it was too much for me and I fell backwards to the floor. Luckily Richard dove across the room and caught me at the last moment so I didn’t whack my head on the floor.

My emotions are all over the place and unfortunately I keep snapping at people. I don’t mean to be impatient, but I guess I am and it is all coming out on the ones I love most. Poor Blythe. Poor Richard. So far, no yelling at the other three members of the family.

My temperature regulation seems to be a bit off. I am often very warm to the touch and will even start sweating, but then I will change and be quite cold. We don’t know if this is related or not, but it is rather odd. Additionally, my left kidney started hurting quite significantly this morning. Richard worked his magic on me and it is doing much better now. This whole thing is so bizarre – I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

I continue to research Ehlers Danlos and am putting all the puzzle pieces together. It seems quite likely that my hypermobility, constant dislocations and subluxations, umbilical hernias, holes in my abdominal wall, labial tearing, laugher-induced bladder incontinence, damaged uterine ligaments after the car accident, uterine prolapse after Fisher’s birth, the excessive bleeding during the lumpectomy last year, and my hip injury are all caused by faulty collagen.

I am so, so grateful for my muscle strength. I used to be very strong and am still quite a bit stronger than any of my friends, except Liz, who is Superwoman and could make a fortune playing her on TV. Muscle strength is the only thing that really helps with Ehlers Danlos, as the muscles compensate for the ligament laxity. I am certain that my background as a gymnast and athlete and the resultant muscle strength has carried me through my life with as few serious injuries as I have and much more importantly, has been the reason I have been able to carry four children to term and birth them.

I am spending this Sabbath day in bed and wishing someone could find my new books by Elder Bednar so I could fill my mind with his words. Maybe when Keziah gets home she can take care of that for me.

what a crazy ride

Jan 11, 2013 by tracy

I don’t know what to say. My mind is finally present enough for me to post, but boy howdy, what do I say?

I have been on a roller coaster for the past several days and while it seems the ride is slowing down, I am definitely still on it.

My Prolozone injections went really well on Tuesday. There was less pain than ever before and I was able to get off the table and actually help Kat get me dressed. I walked, quite normally, out to the front desk with a smile on my face, which is a completely foreign occurance. Usually I am in so much pain that I am holding on to someone and inching gingerly along and I am doing anything but smiling. I started to pay my bill and Kat says I put my head down and started looking really strange. They immediately called Kim, my nurse, and she came rushing to my side. I could hear her talking to me about opening my mouth, but I couldn’t open my eyes or respond in any way to her. Then I collapsed to the floor. Kat and Kim caught me and fixed my legs so my hip joint wasn’t all wonky. They tell me I was out for quite a while and people were monitoring my blood pressure, pulse, and other vitals. I finally came to and was pretty shocked to be on the floor surrounded by people.

Then I passed out again.

And again.

A long while later I was able to be lifted into a wheelchair and taken to an exam room. After resting for about an hour I was able to walk out of the office, get in the van, and start heading home. I was doing really well. I was able to talk and gesticulate and think. When I got home, Kat situated me on the couch with my ice packs and I was able to say hello to my children and tell the girls to make dinner. My hip was sore, but I was doing better than I ever had done before after injections.

The girls left for mutual and then the trouble started all over again, except this time there was a new symptom, shaking. My whole body would start shaking and then everything would go limp and I would pass out. This happened over and over and over all night long.

The next day I felt really well. My friend Jen came over to get my children registered for their iFamily classes and to take care of me. I had about 1.5 good hours where I was able to communicate, then I got up to the bathroom and passed out. As I laid on the floor with Jen, the shaking episodes started again and didn’t stop. Around this time we determined they were really seizures. Poor Jen, she had this seizing, unconscious woman on her hands and nothing she could do to fix it.

When Jen and Blythe got me back in bed we were able to make a plan to get a massive infusion of iron, magnesium, potassium, B-vitamins and a gob of other yummy nutrients. Jen made some phone calls, got it all worked out and then I rested and passed out and rested and passed out. When it was time to go, I hobbled with Jen out to the front room and was feeling super proud of myself. Then I crashed to the floor again and seized and passed out. Eric and Jess walked in right then and Eric scooped me up in his manly arms and carried me out to the car like a little baby.

On the way to the doctor I had many more passing out episodes, but somehow they got me in the office and on the exam table. I had another seizure right after we arrived and I was scared to death they were going to give up on me all together and send me across the street to the emergency room. I am not a huge fan of modern medicine and REALLY not a fan of emergency room care unless you are bleeding profusely or your heart is stopped.

The doctor came in and I fell in love with him. He was funny, personable, knowledgeable, and not freaked out by the seizures or passing out. He listened to my little voice tell him the whole story, checked out my body, declared I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome (more on that later, but here is some reading you can do now that basically sums up my entire life) which I have long suspected might be at the root of my problems.

He figured out the cocktail for my IV and started it right up. Let me tell you, my needle phobia is gone. I didn’t freak out at all about the IV. In my pre-injection life, I would have gone into a full-blown freak out over an IV needle, now it was not a deal in the slightest.

Then I laid there and let the vitamins and minerals drip into my vein. About half-way through (or sooner? What say ye Jess and Jen?) I stopped having seizures and passing out episodes. Jen was able to feed me and I was feeling much better. On the drive home I was able to talk and I called my mom and talked to her for the first time since the whole situation began. She was quite relieved to hear my voice and I was thrilled to be functioning enough to talk on the phone. The whole way home I did really well. I was able to talk and understand everything my friends were saying.

When we got home I started to get out of the car and lost all the color in my face so they got me back in and let me rest while we waited for Richard to get home and get me in the house. Fifteen minutes later he arrived and commented on how good I looked. As I got out of the car for the second time I immediately passed out and collapsed into the snow. They tell me it took five of them to carry me in the house and get me into bed. Then I had another seizure and passed out again. I don’t think I had anymore seizures after that, but I did pass out a few times that night.

Thursday morning I felt totally different. SO MUCH BETTER. I was able to walk to the bathroom by myself with Richard right next to me and after much pleading he let me take a bath while he knelt right by me. I was able to stay coherent for pretty much the whole day and the best part of all is I didn’t shake OR pass out. BANNER DAY!

Friday I continued to improve and didn’t have any more episodes although I still feel really weak whenever I have to get up to use the bathroom and it takes me awhile to recover from the exertion of walking the fifteen or so steps. Friends have been here around the clock to babysit me and walk me to the bathroom, give me all my supplements, and be all around super heroes. I have no idea how we would have survived the past many days without my amazing friends. Not only have I been given top-notch care, my children have been taken care of, meals brought in, yummy treats dropped off, and piles of love have been poured out on all of us.

It looks like I am severely depleted in iron and magnesium so we are doing everything we can to raise those levels. It seems to be working as I am no longer collapsing to the floor on a regular basis. I will get another IV infusion in a few days and am looking forward to improving even more.

In the meantime I keep swinging from being completely full of gratitude for all the amazing events of this week and really of my whole life, to falling apart and letting the fear in and getting discouraged under the weight of it all.

What a journey. Thank you to everyone who has prayed, loved, served, caught, cried, cooked, or cleaned for me this week. You are all amazing.

injection #9

Jan 8, 2013 by tracy

Today.

In just a few short hours.

Kat is driving me down for my ninth round of Prolozone injections. I need to find her a pot o’ gold for all that I owe her for being my injection doula. She rocks this job.

I haven’t been able to sleep.

I am sick, sick, sick to my stomach. In fact it feels as though my intestines have created their own roller coaster.

We are thinking, hoping, and praying this is the last one.

Last night I knelt by the side of my bed and poured out my soul to God. I thanked Him for this injury and the lessons I have learned. I apologized for keeping my heart distant from His and thanked Him for the dependence on Him I am developing. I begged Him to make the injections SUPER-DUPER EFFECTIVE. Then I prayed for my little friend Preston who is in the hospital with a nasty E. coli infection, my friend Tasha who is winning a battle with cancer, and my friend Heather who has a painful eye infection.

Then I laid in bed for three hours completely unable to sleep.

These injections are doable…and I highly recommend them to anyone suffering from an injury. But, boy howdy, they hurt. I am totally used to the needle pain and it is not bad at all anymore, but the nerve pain is horrendous. I can’t even describe what it feels like, but the torture device in The Princess Bride comes to mind.

So, even though my logical mind tries to convinve me of how I have lived just fine through the past eight injections and insists that I look at the evidence of increased mobility and the few short days of being unable to move much after each appointment, my body is rebelling from all of that. My body says “NOOOOOOOO! No way am I going to go through that pain again. No way am I going to allow my nervous system to be (what feels like) electrocuted for the next 24 hours. No way can you make me do this.”

And so the battle of wills begins.

My logical mind will win. At least will win enough to get me on the table. But my body will fight me all the way. I will be sick and shaky and on the verge of passing out until it is all over.

Please join my prayer of effectiveness.

Please.

maybe

Jan 5, 2013 by tracy

This is not a complaining post. It is a pondering post.

Yesterday at gym I felt great. Strong. Capable. I ran with the kids and did forward rolls with no problems. I jumped and danced and laughed and had a wonderful time. I still can’t walk well on the balance beam and when I went up on my tippy toes I fell off, but that is to be expected. My whole center of gravity is in my pelvis and my pelvis isn’t in the best structural condition. I felt so good I did a cartwheel. It pulled on the hip socket just the teensiest bit. A few hours later I did another one and it didn’t hurt at all.

Then I started to drive home. Stabbing pain. It felt like my hip socket had been stitched up with thread and someone was using a seam ripper to yank the threads out. Throughout the night the pain increased and my whole hip and thigh area ached. I drove out to a going away party for my friend, Liz (who is off to an adventure to Russia!), and the stabbing was awful. Just awful. I ended up lying down and giving in to a few tears while we talked the night away.

I don’t know what to think. How am I to know what I can and can’t do if in the moment of doing it everything seems fine? How am I to listen to my body and receive accurate information? How will I ever know if I am better? I have modified so many of my body’s movements that I really have no idea what my pain level would be if I were moving like a non-injured Tracy would move.

I asked Richard if perhaps my capabilities would continue to increase, but the pain would still be present…if I will be able to DO things, but do them with pain. And as I thought those thoughts I tried to imagine a life of pain. I have been doing everything I can to heal the labral tear *knowing* I would be out of pain when it was healed. Now I wonder it that is true. Maybe the pain is here to stay…and right now that thought feels unbearable.

This pain is such an interesting thing. I can smile and talk and laugh and live, but it is here. Always here. It weighs on me. It is heavy. I can’t always think clearly or focus on what is happening in the moment because my mind is on the pain. Sometimes I want to throw it off me and yell “No, I will not hurt anymore. I will not be part of this anymore!” I don’t know if distraction or engagement is the better course. To be honest, I really don’t know anything anymore. I know I am tired of hurting and tired of talking about hurting.

All of these feelings and thoughts swirl around me this morning and make me think of dependence on Christ. I cannot take this pain away. I cannot solve it. Only He can. I cannot solve the myriad other pains in my life either. I cannot solve sin. I cannot solve sorrow. I cannot solve my weaknesses, mortal state, proclivity to judge, the pain I have caused others, or desires for things of this world.

But He can.

Maybe all of this pain is to remind me once again to give it all to Him. My pain. My sorrow. My weaknesses. My heart. Everything.

Maybe this is one long journey to my Savior.

Maybe there are more lessons I need to learn.

Maybe this is the biggest blessing I could be given.

Maybe.

so much

Dec 31, 2012 by tracy

I can’t believe it is the last day of 2012. Not because it has flown by, as so many years do, but because it has been so long. It feels like this year has been about five years long.

I remember last Christmas with my family here. It is foggy and feels like eons have happened since I laid in my cousins’ arms and talked the night away. I remember last January and how excited I was to teach Zing! at iFamily. I remember the first few weeks of running with Keziah and how much I loved the crisp air on my face and the strength in my muscles. I don’t remember much after that. And it isn’t that it has been so awful…it has just been long and foggy and miraculous and hard and full of growth and n.e.v.e.r.e.n.d.i.n.g.

In many ways I don’t even feel like I have lived this year. I kind of feel like I have missed 2012. And yet, so much living has happened! I can’t wrap my mind around these conflicting emotions.

So much has happened. So many miracles. So much service. So much love. So many tears. So many spiritual experiences. So much softening of hearts. So much pain. So many thousands of acts of kindness. So much goodness. So many sleepless nights. So many days spent in bed. So much hopelessness. So much submission. So much learning. So much growth. So much heartbreak. So much laughter. So much love. So. So. Much.

I think a lifetime of experiences have been compressed into 2012 and it is too much for me to take in. Yes, I have had twelve months, but I think I need at least twelve years to process all of it.

I could write pages and pages of gratitude for all of it. I should write pages and pages of gratitude to all the people who have served me. But tonight, on this last night of 2012, I just want to lay in my husband’s arms and cry away all the pain, all the exhaustion, all the fear, all the stress, all the everything. I want to start fresh tomorrow with a heart full of hope, faith, trust, wisdom, patience, kindness, vision, and most of all, life.

I want to live.

injection #8

Dec 28, 2012 by tracy

On Wednesday I put on my big girl pants and submitted to having my eighth Prolozone injection. My chiropractor and my sweetie both feel strongly that I need two more injections two weeks apart. So, I scheduled it for the day after Christmas to maximize my recovery time while I am not teaching gymnastics or classes at iFamily.

Christmas night was spent sick to my stomach, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and filled with dread. I really didn’t know if I would be able to muster up the courage to get on the table and allow those needles to go deliver their stuff.

Kat drove me down and listened to me whine for four hours prior to the appointment. We went to Costco and stocked up on frozen fruit, cheese, tortillas, and guacamole. The whole time we walked around, I whined. I went to the bathroom twice. I whined some more. Uuuuggghhh, the whole process of waiting for the injections is so awful.

Then we went to the office and I went to the bathroom again. AGAIN! What is up with the total bowel evacuation that goes on before each appointment??? Then, with all my courage firing, I laid down on the table, closed my eyes, held on to Kat for dear life, and let him inject his magic. Once again my knee cap felt like it was being ripped off and my toes were being pulled out of my foot. Then he moved to the side and did about five injections over there. A lot of screaming ensued and the nurse said I turned green for a wee bit, but I kept holding Kat’s hand and I think I came back to the land of the living fairly quickly.

We had a painful drive home and my brother, Scott, helped me into the house. Then I stayed in a horizontal position with ice packs on the injections sites for the next 40 hours. Now I can walk again and am moving pretty well. Not too bad this time. Sometimes it is five days before I am feeling this well.

Oh, boy. Twelve more days till the next round in the big ring. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

even in this condition

Nov 18, 2012 by tracy

I met with my Bishop on Wednesday night for several hours. Actually, it was my old Bishop who has faithfully walked this hip journey with me, not my new Bishop who doesn’t really know me yet.

Anyway, he wanted an update on my hip, and my children, and my Jessica, (he is still Jess’ Bishop), and my genealogy project. We talked and talked and talked.

And then I broke down. Big tears poured out of my eyes as I told him how tired I am of being in pain, being incapable, and being needy. I told him about our desire to have at least one more baby, this little boy who we have been waiting for for so long, and how my research into labral tears and subsequent pregnancies indicates it would be foolhardy and quite incapacitating. I told him how I want to play baseball and volleyball and basketball with my children and how impossible that seems right now. I cried and cried and cried. I told him how silly all of my tears and frustrations are because I CAN WALK. I CAN FUNCTION. I am no longer bedridden. I CAN DRIVE (if I am in my suburban with the seat tilted all the way back and the bottom tilted all the way up). I AM TEACHING GYMNASTICS. I CAN STAND THROUGH CHURCH. I CAN, I CAN, I CAN.

But I still can’t. I can’t sit well at all. I can’t twist. I can’t ride my bike. I can’t play baseball with Fisher. I can’t go roller skating. I can’t be out of pain. I can’t have a baby. I can’t do what I used to do.

And the guilt. Oh, boy, the guilt at having such thoughts. At being so grateful for the healing that has happened, for the miracles that have occurred and still wanting more, still wanting to stop hurting. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more.

After I had cried (and cried AND cried), he gave me some words to think about. He said, “Tracy, can you go to The Lord and say ‘I will love you and trust you, even in this condition. How can I mother and bring my children to thee, even in this condition? How can I love them more fully, even in this condition? How can I serve thee, even in this condition? How can I play with my children, even in this condition? Teach me Lord. Teach me to love and serve and accept and be grateful, even in this condition.'”

These words struck deep into my soul.

And I am asking.

And He is teaching me.

daughter arise

Oct 13, 2012 by tracy

This post has been on my mind for awhile now. I feel I need to share these thoughts, but I am finding words entirely inadequate to express my feelings. I do not want to diminish the depth of my experience by failing to capture it fully. But I think there is no other way.

On Wednesday, September 26, I went to the temple. For those of you who aren’t LDS, the temple is our most holy edifice and we go there to make covenants with God, to learn the path we must follow to return to Him, and to make those same covenants by proxy for our ancestors who did not have the opportunity to make those covenants in this life. The temple is my refuge from the world. It is a place I feel peace and receive answers. It is a place of joy and warmth and service and love. I have been spending a lot of time in the temple these past few months. More time than I ever have before as I have been immersed in doing my family’s work and allowing them to be sealed together as family units for time and all eternity.

That Wednesday, many of my ward members came to the temple with me to help me with my family’s ordinance work. Each time someone came in I thought my heart would burst with joy. I was so, so happy to see each person that came to help me.

As the night wore on, my hip started aching more and more. I could not get comfortable. I tried removing all weight from it by standing only on my left leg. I tried lying down on a couch, but I was hurting too much to be able to find a comfortable position. I tried talking myself out of the pain. I tried to walk around a little to loosen it up. I tried ignoring it. Nothing was working. Remember this was only about 36 hours after this post where I was completely baffled at how much pain I was in and how much worse my joint was doing.

Finally it was time for Richard and I to do sealings. This was the first time I had done sealings for my family and I was so looking forward to it. All summer long I had been working on doing the other ordinances and I finally had ten couples ready to be sealed together. Twenty special ancestors who were ready to become husband and wife again. My emotions were bursting out of me. I felt so much love for these people and couldn’t wait to give this gift to them.

Before the sealings I was able to spend about 25 minutes in the Celestial Room by myself. The Celestial Room is analogous to heaven and is my favorite place in the temple. I have never been alone in there before. Richard and I have sat inside praying and pouring our hearts out to God. I have spent time inside with friends and family, praying and rejoicing. But, I have never been in there alone.

I came in and oriented myself to the energy of the room. The peace. The stillness. The presence of God. Then I started praying. I prayed for my ancestors to accept Jesus into their hearts. I prayed that they would feel my love for them. I prayed that they would be able to feel God’s love for them. I prayed for them to be able to use the atonement and receive the peace that only Jesus can give them. When I had poured my heart out to my Father, I started praying for me. I told God how tired I was of hurting. I told him how hard this whole injury has been. I told him how I wanted to hold my children in my arms. I told him how I longed to mother with a body that works. I told him I knew that I could not solve this, that all my efforts were not working and that the only way the tissue would heal is if He would heal it. I pled with my Father to please, please, please, demonstrate His power through healing me. I asked Him to use me as he used Jairus’ daughter. I sobbed out my heart’s desires.

I told Him how grateful I was for the opportunity to be injured and to have the blessing of doing my family’s temple work. I thanked Him for the privilege of coming to know my Savior more deeply. I thanked Him for all the service and love that has been showered upon my head and that of my family. I thanked Him for my precious husband and his patience with all of this. And then I said that I was willing to continue on this path of injury if it was His will and if I just didn’t understand His purposes. I pled for strength and endurance. Finally, in a burst of tears, I asked Him to please, please lessen the pain.

And He did.

I can’t really describe it, but each day since then has been a little bit better. Each day the pain has been less. Each day the joint has been a little stronger.

God is healing me. I know there is no other answer. I know this is a manifestation of His power and His great love for me. I know He is teaching me to trust Him, to depend on Him, and to completely give my heart to Him.

I know.

And while I want you to know as well, it is enough that I know.

so good, so, so good

Sep 29, 2012 by tracy

My heart is full to bursting tonight! I have had four great days in a row! Four days of low pain & good movement!

I need to post about Fisher’s baptism, his awesome new scripture case, my Wednesday night temple trip, and tonight’s Relief Society meeting, but before I move my brain on to any of those post topics, I need to shout Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!

Today I walked a long ways. All over the Farmer’s Market, five blocks to the headband shop for my lil’ sis to buy herself a magic exercise headband, all over another shopping center with my mama and sister, and then I stood tonight for two hours at the Relief Society Broadcast.

Unheard of! This is amazing!!!! I am lying in bed now and it is sore, but just a teensy-weensy bit and I am not even icing it.

I know God gave me this gift of healing. I have done everything I can and it wasn’t enough. Just a few short days ago I had to spend the day in bed icing it all day long. Monday and Tuesday I was ready to give up. I could not get on top of the pain and I didn’t know what else to do.

Then I went to the temple on Wednesday and I served my ancestors by performing ordinance work for them and I prayed and I listened and I prayed some more. I asked God to please, please heal me. Please let me be a miracle for Thee to show Thy power and mercy. Please heal me so I can mother my children more fully. Please take away this pain. No one else can heal me, only Thee. Only Thy power can knit this tissue together. Only Thy power can take away this pain. Please. I love Thee and I am willing to do what Thou asks of me. I will live with this pain if I must, but if Thou wilt, please take it away.

And He did.

He is so good. So, so good.

I don’t know how long this will last, but I know, absolutely know, God gave me these precious days of healing to show me His power and His love for me.

Thank you.

lost and found

Sep 25, 2012 by tracy

I am not morbidly depressed. But I am a tad worn down. My ward’s upcoming split in five short days has me moving inward. The pain in my hip is starting to feel like a permanent resident.

And I have passed the seven month mark. Seven months of missing out on things.

Today, this is what I miss about having a functioning hip.

Not hurting. Even on my good days, there is still pain. It is just that it is so much less than excruciating that it almost feels like a party.
Sitting
Snuggling up on the couch with my babies.
Having meals with my family where I can see their faces and carry on a conversation
Being able to bounce around with excitement
Holding Annesley
Playing outside with my children
Sex
Sitting with my family during church
Talking about other things than my hip
Not thinking about how to plan out my days to accomplish what needs to be done before my hip gives out for the day
Riding my bike
Doing back handsprings
Laying next to Richard comfortably
Fall canning
Driving myself wherever I want to go
Getting my socks off all by myself
Being a person who can be counted on to serve others
Scrubbing my kitchen floor
Knowing my body can do anything I ask it to
Mowing the lawn
Carrying heavy loads
Going to a movie
Having a body that is in sync with my exuberant personality

I miss those things. Badly. I want them back.

I am also grateful for some things.

The opportunity to be served so generously and thoroughly by friends who truly love me.
The privilege to be called of God to do my genealogy.
The patience and tenderness of my husband.
The nurturing my children have given me.
The windows of time where I can move faster, stay on my feet longer, and hurt less.
The encouraging words, smiles, and hugs that so many people bless me with.
Annesley’s proficiency at making PB & J.
A bathtub I can soak in.
A water heater that is clinging on to life and still gives us a little hot water each day.
A vehicle that I can drive short distances if I configure the seats just so. Gangster style.
The health of my children. We haven’t been hit with a big illness since I was injured…such a blessing!
Richard’s energy work. It takes away the pain like nothing else. I don’t know where I would be without his almost nightly hip sessions.
My Savior. I know I am in His hands.

Does that make any sense? To have a heart chock-full and spilling over with gratitude and at the same time to be SO DONE with the pain and ready to be healed? Will I not be healed till there is only gratitude? Please tell me no, because otherwise it might be awhile till I can only see the good.

baffled

Sep 24, 2012 by tracy

That is where I am at.

After a long summer of healing, my hip is doing worse. I am back to moaning, ice packing, wincing, and needing to lie down a lot. I am back to searing pain shooting through the tear. I am back to holding on for dear life as we drive down my bumpy road. I am back to the tears. I am back to the pain.

I am not happy about it and I am so confused. I thought I was on the right path. I was doing so well! For heaven’s sake, I was able to kayak and jump and skip and do a forward roll.

Now all of that seems like a world away and I don’t know why.

Once again I am to the place of learning I can’t solve this.

now what?

Sep 13, 2012 by tracy

Here’s the deal. I am hurting. I keep smiling at people (for the most part) and I taught my classes on Wednesday and I took my son to an eye exam today and I took him to the Scout Office to get his new Cub Scout uniform and I went to our ward’s preparedness night tonight and I am going to gym tomorrow.

But I am really hurting. I am hurting more than I have hurt for a long time. I am more than a bit frightened that I have really done something to myself. Sometimes the pain takes my breath away. Sometimes I feel I may pass out from the pain. Sometimes I get hot and sweaty and the room starts spinning. Most of the time I am baffled. I do not know what is going on and I am more than a little frustrated.

God told me to teach gymnastics this fall. I had completely decided against it. It was quite obvious by the middle of July that I would not be better in time to start teaching in September. But one lovely Sabbath day He told me to do it. And I have felt peace about it. Unexplainable peace.

And now this.

Now pain right in the tear that feels as if I am being shredded. Pain throughout my entire pelvis that feels like I am going to fall down at times. Pain that scares me.

I know God didn’t tell me to do forward rolls last week. He only told me to teach. I get that.

But now I don’t know what to do.

sore, but moving a little

Sep 11, 2012 by tracy

Yesterday Jennifer drove me down to get my seventh round of injections. After an hour plus wait, Dr. West finally came to work on me. He tested my range of motion, my joint stability, and my pain levels. He decided the approach for the day would be one injection into the labral tear and then many injections into the trochanter bursa and surrounding area. Unfortunately, that bursa injection triggered the nerve response just like the first injection back in April. Lightening bolts were shooting down my leg and throughout my pelvis. Labor breathing, hand-holding, and lots of screaming got me through – I hope I didn’t break Jenn’s hand or ear drums.

Last night I couldn’t move much and Blythe had to help me to the bathroom more times than I can count, but this morning I was able to get up by myself, so progress is being made. Yesterday I was sore enough I decided I probably wouldn’t make it to iFamily on Wednesday, but now I think I might be able to swing it. We will see how the day progresses.

These Prolozone treatments are not for the weak, they take all the courage I have. The day of my injections I am sick to my stomach, can’t eat, poop a gazillion times, and am generally a giant ball of anxiety. Then the injections hurt. Bad. It is not like a shot. It is like being shocked for minutes on end, full of so much pressure you think your inner organs will explode right out of you, and being paralyzed all at the same time. It is a bizarre experience. But it works. I am healing. I am moving better all the time. I can’t wait to be 100% functioning again!

Thanks Jenn! You were a fabulous injection doula!

injection #7

Sep 10, 2012 by tracy

Today is injection #7. Please pray for me at 10 a.m. I need courage and loads of love poured down upon me.

transformation: step one

Aug 23, 2012 by tracy

Oh my. Can you hear my long, low sigh.

That is the sound of reality hitting me square in the face.

Here it is. I have completely forgotten how to run a home. It has been so long since I have tried to be an effective home manager (and I was never that stellar to begin with) that I can’t even wrap my head around how to do it. Get out of bed at a decent hour? No clue how to do it. Get loads of laundry done, meals prepared, dishes done, floors swept and mopped, carpets vacuumed, dusting done, and errands run? Again, no clue. I mean this. I am lost. I feel like I got my breast lump last April and my life stopped. Then in February when my hip was injured, it really stopped. I mean, I kept doing THINGS, but I stopped functioning like a normal human being. I went into survival mode where only the most pressing, most obvious things get noticed and only the most critical of those most obvious things get done.

Somehow we are still here and we have eaten and have clothes on our bods, but I haven’t been doing it. The kids have made egg sandwiches, pancakes, and pasta for the past several months. Before that, friends brought in meals and on the other nights we ate freezer meals. The yard has deteriorated into something akin to a garbage dump and my bedroom has a meandering path through the piles of stuff that have built up over the past several months.

It is time for a new beginning. A new world where I am up early(-ish) and working on the tasks that my grandmother did everyday…you know, like breakfast, snacks, dishes, floors, laundry, etc. A world where my children know they can count on me.

This feels like a huge transition. I’m not even sure I know how to be with my children anymore. I was in bed for the whole spring and they have played outside for most of the summer. I have been with them for little chunks of time and usually one at a time. Now, we are starting back into our school routine and it feels like a foreign land. My patience has never been so low, my voice so tight, or my inability to love deeply so glaringly obvious.

But I am finally ready to open myself to the learning and growth that needs to happen in my soul so I can ~~go back~~ become the mother they need me to be. Seventeen months out of commission is more than long enough and it is time to start repairing relationships, ~~conquer bad~~ learn new habits, and give myself fully to mothering and home management.

Today is day one of the change. My babystep for today is to look my children in the eye when they speak to me. I want to add another babystep, but I know that is probably a big mistake, but I will do it anyway…babystep #2 is to have a calm voice when I reply. Of course, I have a long list of home management tasks I want to accomplish as well…but I need to remember where I have been these past months and not make my list a gazillion miles long because then I will flat-out fail and what I need is success in small things.

some firsts

Aug 22, 2012 by tracy

My hip is healing. It is ever so slow and hard to quantify, but it is healing. This very gradual process has been difficult for me to wrap my head around. I am used to something being fine or not fine. A sprained ankle hurting like heck and then being all better. A bone being broken and then being all put back together again. This teensy-tiny incremental healing is a whole new thing for me and is incredibly difficult for me to explain to others.

Sample conversation:

Person: Are you getting better?

Me: YES!

Person: Great! I’m so happy for you.

Me: Yes, me too.

Person: Why aren’t you sitting down to eat with us?

Me: It still hurts to sit.

Person: I thought you said you were better.

Me: No, I said I am getting better.

Person: But you can’t sit? I thought you said those ozone injections were working.

Me: Yes, they are working, but it is slow. See this cartilage isn’t supposed to be able to heal at all, so the fact that I am standing here talking to you is super cool, but it is slow progress.

Person: I think you need to do something else. You should be better by now, what has it been, like six months.

Me: Yes, six long months. But I am doing SO much better. I can go places and walk well and smile without a grimace on my face and sit temporarily and I jumped off the bridge and I went kayaking and I can vacuum and I have hope it will completely heal eventually.

Person: Well, that is all good, but it still seems you should be better by now. Can’t they do something?!?

The “they” is what always gets us, isn’t it? THEY should be able to fix everything with a pill or a procedure or a SOMETHING that will make everything all better right. this. minute.

But, ’tis not to be. I have had an opportunity to experience a different sort of healing. A healing that takes time (what seems like eons of time!) and isn’t all that measurable on a day to day basis. I can’t fix this and neither can anyone else (except God – He can do anything, but for some reason, He has chosen not to miraculously heal this stubborn piece of cartilage) and so I have to learn to wait and to trust and to be okay with the journey.

Big lessons.

Anyway, back to the title of the post. I have recently had some firsts! Yesterday I drove a long ways…like two-ish hours! On Sunday I sat on our pew at church for about 35 minutes. Monday I went to the library for our first library trip in six months and I did the grocery shopping. Super-exciting. Progress is being made. My hip feels more stable, less painful, more mobile, less popping out of place, and better, much better.

Yesterday I had a vision of me riding my bike, fast as the wind, before winter sets in. I am going to keep that vision in the forefront of my mind and I think it is going to come true.

Join me in that hope?

MY FOOT IS BROKEN

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday and Saturday

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

About Me

Reading Now

Pinning