blog
four years
I know to the rest of the world, this is just an ordinary day near the end of February.
But to me, it is THE DAY.
The day of miracles.
The day of kissing my husband goodbye and giving him over to a huge neurosurgery team having no idea how he would be when they gave him back to me.
The day of being held in the arms of family and friends.
The day of thousands of people praying for Richard and his surgical team and our family.
The day of sitting in the waiting lounge in Surgical Suite 3 for hours and hours and hours.
The day of me holding it together.
The day of me falling apart when the surgeons told me it went as well as possible and Carl the Schwannoma was evicted.
The day of the thumbs-up as he was wheeled out of surgery and into Neuro ICU.The day God showed His mighty hand. (Though He shows it over and over again.)
The day of rejoicing and loving and kissing and exhaustion and gratitude.
And now it’s been four years of God carrying us and with all of your help, we have made it through. It’s absolutely awe-inspiring and humbling at the same time. I’m so grateful my husband is here.
Yesterday I saw the words to “The Blessing” and fell head over heels in love with them. Today I found out that they were written while Richard was in brain surgery – can you believe that?????????? Written in one day on February 27, 2020 between about 4:00 p.m. and midnight North Carolina time, which means it was between 2:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. in Utah…the exact hours he was in surgery! I can’t stop crying about it. While the scariest moments of our lives were happening and doctors were drilling through his skull and ever so carefully scraping a giant tumor off of his brain stem, cerebellum, and cranial nerves, God was inspiring these words in the hearts of two Christian songwriters so they could spread around the globe.
It is now at the top of my playlist and I’ll be listening to it everyday. And I’m going to get a sign with these words to imprint them on my heart and our children’s hearts. May each of us always know He is with us, He is for us, His face is shining upon us, He is blessing us and keeping us for a thousand generations, our family, our children, and their children, and their children. I keep singing it over and over again with tears streaming down my cheeks. It’s just so beautiful and powerful.
Here are the words to “The Blessing” by Kari Jobe and Cody Carnes…give it a listen…I think you’ll love it.
The Lord bless you, and keep you. Make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord turn His face toward you, and give you peace.
May His favor be upon you, and a thousand generations, and your family and your children, and their children, and their children.
May His presence go before you, and behind you, and beside you. All around you, and within you. He is with you, He is with you.
In the morning, in the evening. In your coming, and your going. In your weeping, and rejoicing. He is for you, He is for you.
Amen.
annes’ snowmen
Annesley burst into our room while we were sleeping last night with this cute lil’ snowman. Then she decided the snow was so perfect that she just had to go outside and build a big snowman.
She is so full of JOY!
She regularly interrupts my sleep and while I may grumble a little, I’m so grateful for her giant rays of sunshine that light up my world.
othello
After being apart for a week, it was game time tonight.
I’d say I whooped her.
Round two she played better and lost by 43-21. Much better than losing every piece on the board! Someday she will beat me and she will know she earned it fair and square because I’m certainly never going to go easy on her.
I’m so tickled she’ll still play with me when I beat her over and over again.
I’ve been playing Othello since I was a little girl. If you don’t own it, I highly recommend it! https://amzn.to/3UTEGj1
coronado and calzada = healing
Today I had a moment.
A few moments.
Of tears.
And breathing it all in.
Nine years ago, in January 2015, I went to Dr. Calzada’s for the first time. On that trip, Connie took me to Coronado Island and carried me across the sand to the beach so I could put my feet in the ocean. Even though I couldn’t walk and even though no one could push that giant wheelchair through the sand, she was determined to get me to the water and, with her super strong muscles, she did!
Today I was able to go back there and stand on the exact spot that my gurney wheelchair was sitting on that long ago January evening. Today I was able to walk across the sand and stand in the ocean for over an hour. Today I was able to hold my sweetheart’s hand and belt out all seven verses of “How Firm a Foundation” and declare with a heart full of gratitude that God has carried us through these years and will continue to carry us.
Nine years of miracles.
Oh, my heart. It’s more than I can describe in words, but I hope those of you who have walked this journey with me will be able to imagine that moment standing on the boardwalk in front of Mr. Sandman’s sandcastle creation and feel a bit of my gratitude – to God, to Dr. Calzada and his team, and to all of you. What a ride it has been!
i’ve got you
When I was little, my dad was my world. He left when I was 12 and a giant, man-sized-dad-hole was left in my heart. Subconsciously, I tried to fill that hole with boys. All sorts of boys. All sorts of kissing. All sorts of emotional entanglement. All sorts of dangerous situations (not that I wanted the dangerous situations…they just came with the boys). By the time I was 14, I had already gone steady with one boy for a year, and then was ”promised,” ring and all, to another boy…four years older, who I thought was super cool, but was really, super controlling, super angry, super charming, and super abusive. Other boys, some good, some not-good-at-all, came after that whenever I would work up the courage to break up with the ”promised to” boy. Eventually I dated a kind, wonderful Baptist boy that healed my heart in lots of ways because he wasn’t dangerous or controlling or abusive. He was good. But being with him meant leaving my faith. And that was something I was not willing to do.
After telling God I would never get married, He sent me Richard. It’s been thirty years of love. Thirty years of healing. Thirty years of me learning to trust men. Thirty years of trying again and again and again.
With all that emotional entanglement with boys when I was young comes a whole lot of crazy dreams. When we were first married, they were constant. I had no idea whose arms I was in or where I was at when I would wake up in the morning. When I realized I was with Richard, I would full-body-sob…in gratitude that I woke up in a place of safety…and in anger and embarrassment that I couldn’t get these other boys out of my dreams.
As time went on, the dreams became less frequent. But they were still there…scaring me, hounding me, disorienting me. Last night it happened again.
The miracle is Richard. All I have to do is cry out, “I need you.” And he knows what is happening and reaches out and holds me in his arms with the words, “I’ve got you.”
Those words. Those actions. That love.
It is everything.
questions for growth
I don’t believe January 1 is a magical day where we need to start over, throw out the old, focus on big goals, or think we need to MAKE transformation happen. That approach often leads to overwhelm and burnout and not much, if any, change.However, I do think there is something to a new year that invites reflection on the past and hope for the future. For me, it is a time of pondering, breathing, and creating. I think there is great value in taking time to ask myself and God questions that will help me become the person I was created to be.
These are some of the questions I’m asking myself:
- What am I grateful for from this year for myself?
- What am I grateful for from this year for my family?
- How have I grown in 2023?
- What wins have I had this year?
- What losses?
- What have I learned?
- What do I want to keep the same moving forward into 2024?
- What do I want to change?
- How do I feel when I’m all alone with my thoughts?
- How do I want to feel?
- What is the feeling in my home?
- What do I want the feeling to be?
- What do I want to learn this year?
- What books do I want to read this year?
- What experiences do I want to have this year?
- Is God asking me to do something this year?
- When am I happiest?
- What brings me true joy?
- Am I spending time and energy on the things that bring me true joy?
- How can I make more room in my life for the moments of happiness and joy?
- What else do I need to make room for in my life?
- What am I ready to let go?
- Is there anything I need to let go?
- What are my core, infinite beliefs?
- What are ten things I could work on improving this year?
- Which, if any, of those ten, am I willing to commit to working on consistently?
- Do those things I am willing to commit to working on consistently support my core, infinite beliefs?
- Which of these goals will I work on first?
- What is a two-minute practice that will support this first goal?
- When am I going to do this two-minute practice? How am I going to track it? How will I know if I have done it?
What are the questions you are asking yourself? What have you learned this year? What have been your wins? What are your hopes for 2024? Let’s all give ourselves a hug. We have made it through 2023. For many, this year has felt heavy and hard. Let’s breathe in the hard and be gentle and loving with ourselves as we ponder 2024. I’m cheering you on and sending you mountains of love.
jacob t. marley
Last night we finished our December Read-Aloud, Jacob T. Marley. I cried at the sacrifice, the love, the redemption, the service, and the transformation. Oh, it is delicious. Truly, if you haven’t read it, give yourself a gift of a few hours snuggled up in a blanket and read (or the Audible recording is FANTASTIC!).
When I saw these words today, my soul shouted, AMEN. May we all treat people as the person they are changed into and not as the person they have been before. And may we allow ourselves to believe we can change as well.
no idea of the road ahead of us
This photo popped up on my phone today for some reason. It’s from October 1996 when Blythe is two months old and Richard and I are wee babes ourselves.
As I looked at it, my heart welled up with gratitude for this life we have shared together. We had gone through some pretty hard stuff by then…three years into our marriage. And we loved each other and our precious baby deeply. But we had no idea the journey we would travel.
- No idea how hard it would be to get our children here.
- No idea how many times we would move.
- No idea how many financial challenges we would face.
- No idea how many health struggles we would endure.
- No idea of the prayers we would pray.
- No idea of the joy that would fill our home.
- No idea of the faith that would be required.
- No idea of the laughter that would explode out of us.
- No idea of the adventures we would have.
- No idea of the friends who would enter our hearts and change our lives forever.
- No idea of the miracles.
- No idea of the healing.
- No idea of the gratitude.
- No idea of the love.
We didn’t know how rich and beautiful and overwhelmingly good our lives would be. I’m so, so grateful for this man, this life, our family, and Jesus.
vegetable quinoa soup
Made this tonight! It’s super yummy! And packed with good nutrition! I didn’t have a parmesan rind – in fact, I’ve never had one – and it was still good without it, but I imagine it would be even better with it!
Ingredients:
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 onion, diced
- 3 carrots, peeled and diced
- 2 ribs celery, diced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 teaspoon dried thyme
- 1 teaspoon dried oregano
- 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional)
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 cup quinoa, raw
- 1 can (14 oz.) white beans, strained and rinsed
- 1 can (28 oz.) diced tomatoes
- 4 cups vegetable broth
- 2 cups water
- 1 bay leaf
- 1 parmesan rind
- 2 cups spinach, roughly chopped
Instructions:
In a large pot on medium-high heat, warm the olive oil.
Add the onion, carrot, and celery and sauté for 3-4 minutes until tender. Then add the minced garlic and cook for an additional 1-2 minutes until tender.
Add the dried thyme, dried oregano, red pepper flakes, and salt, and sauté for an additional minute until fragrant.
Pour in the quinoa, white beans, and diced tomatoes and stir to combine with the vegetables.
Pour in the broth and water and stir again until everything is well incorporated.
Add the parmesan rind and bay leaf to the pot and stir to ensure they are submerged in the broth.
Bring the soup to a boil, then reduce to a simmer, and cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the quinoa is tender.
Once cooked, add the chopped spinach, stir until well incorporated in the soup, and simmer for a final 5 minutes until the spinach is wilted. If you find the soup too thick, simply add some more water or broth to thin the soup to your liking.
Remove the parmesan rind and bay leaf, then taste the soup, and adjust the seasoning with additional salt and black pepper as needed.
Serve the soup immediately with freshly grated parmesan or allow it to cool completely and store it in the fridge for up to 5 days or in the freezer for up to 3 months.
Notes:
To Make it in a Slow Cooker: Add all of the ingredients to a slow cooker and cook on high for 2-3 hours or on low for 4-5 hours. Once cooked, remove the parmesan rind and bay leaf, then taste the soup and season with additional salt and pepper as needed.
To Use Cooked Quinoa: Add the quinoa as instructed in step #4, however, only simmer the soup for 5-10 minutes until heated through, then proceed with instructions as outlined.
To Use Frozen Spinach: Thaw 1/2 cup or 2 ounces of frozen spinach, press out any excess water, and add it to the soup as per step #8.
To Use Dried Onion and Garlic: Use 1 teaspoon of garlic powder and onion powder.
two weeks of walking
I’ve been walking full-time for about 2 weeks now…minus the 4 days I spent in a wheelchair after I fell and rolled the other ankle on the 27th. Last week I was having these kinds of thoughts.
“I’m walking!”
“I’m actually doing this!”
“Wow, this is amazing!”
But this week a shift has been happening and these are the thoughts I’m having.
“I’m a walking person!”
And I realized that last week I had been viewing myself as a disabled person who was able to walk in that moment. Much different than the thoughts this week!
In case you are wondering…this whole new walking with my own two feet thing is a learning curve. It’s easy for me to overdo. And I totally overdid today at gymnastics, which meant tonight I was resting this foot and helping it recover. Also, the nerves are still learning how to do all the things and today I almost tripped again…over another step! This time I was stepping up and my foot didn’t quite clear it and I almost crashed again. But I was able to catch myself and no injuries happened. Sooooo, I’m really working on paying attention to my body and my surroundings….neither of which are easy for me.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
