heal vagus heal

Jun 6, 2014 by tracy

So much has happened since I last posted over two weeks ago.

So much.

First, we had a wonderful surprise birthday event for my mom in Salt Lake. My little brother flew in for her birthday and when she saw him she fell into his arms and sobbed tears of joy. Her heart filled up with piles of healing – I’m so glad I got to be part of this miracle for her.

Second, we have been selling the puppies and just tonight we found the right family for the last little cutie.

Third, last week my friend Sheri’s brother-in-law committed suicide. Our group of friends are working hard to support one another and let the Savior heal our hearts. It has been such a hard week for everyone involved.

Fourth, in spite of falling on the first night, reinjuring my right foot we just spent the past 4 months healing, and having a whole mortifying passing out/shaking/urinating episode in the middle of the campground, we survived Swim Camp and are now home rubbing Miracle Salve all over our burned faces. I am hoping to get a whole post written about our 2014 Swim Camp adventures, but I can’t guarantee anything as my body is really struggling.

And now for the update I’m sure you are all waiting for…how is the jaw doing?

Can I just avoid the whole topic and pretend that everything is fine? Can I somehow convince you (and me) that I am not scared out of my gourd?

Nope. It’s time to commit the words to paper (or screen) and face the new situation we are facing.

ARGH. I don’t know if I can face it.

Okay. Here is the deal. I have been passing out and have shaking/seizure episodes for 18 months now. These have been mostly caused by irritation/damage to the femoral nerve in my hip. It sends out a panic message like “Help, help, I am being squeezed by the pubic bone/hip socket/adductors and I don’t like it one little bit!” The message goes out like a lightening bolt to the rest of my body which sends my heart rate skyrocketing and the vagus nerve responds by shutting everything down which results in the passing out and shaking. The vagus tries to reset everything much like turning off your computer can make all the frozen/malfunctioning programs start fresh. The reset process usually takes 1-3 hours and then I am good to go again.

Well. Everything has changed. The vagus nerve runs through the jaw and is now being directly irritated by my jaw dislocation issues. So instead of just responding to the femoral nerve’s cries for help, the vagus is now sending out its own panic messages. The vagus is the power cord for almost all the body’s main functions – heart, breathing, and digestion to name a few. I have all sorts of new symptoms showing the vagus is in distress. The passing out and heart rate episodes have greatly increased over the past several weeks – there have been over 20 episodes since the May 2 fall. I feel nauseated whenever an episode occurs. Additionally, I have been burping, choking, yawning, and gagging. Swallowing my own saliva without consciously thinking about it brings on a several minute choking situation. My food sits in the esophagus for hours, then sits in my stomach for many, many more hours. I rarely feel hungry. And I can’t stop shaking.

Jeremy is quite concerned and now that I understand his concerns, I am concerned (scared silly may be a more accurate term) as well because this is looking quite bleak.

The vagus nerve can become hypersensitive by being irritated/stretched/trapped for too long. No one knows how long is too long, but when it does happen, it seems to be permanent. I believe in a God of miracles and absolutely know He can fix it, but according to the medical literature, vagus nerve hypersensitivity has no fix. The body functions it is in charge of either stop working altogether or they work in chaos…heart rate all over the place, digestion being super slow or ineffective, losing the ability to speak, or control breathing. And all of this causes regular passing out and shaking episodes so the body can reset.

Oh my. My brain is full of all of this new information and is desperately trying to come up with a solution, but it can’t so it just keeps going around and around in circles.

The next step is to go see Dr. Guinn in Salt Lake City next week and have a cat scan done of my jaw. Then we will know a lot more about its condition and what we can do to get it to stay in the correct mechanical position. We will learn how many thousands of dollars it will cost and how frequently I will need to travel the 3+ hours to Utah to attend appointments with Dr. Guinn.

And then we hope that the time it takes to get into the correct mechanical position is short enough that the nerve is not damaged beyond repair. It’s a lot of ifs and a lot of hoping.

Please pray. Please pray that the vagus nerve will recover from the damage it is experiencing right now while my jaw is not working properly. Please pray that the nerve will be protected from hypersensitity. Please pray for my peace of mind. Please pray for my heart to give this all to God and trust in His power. Please pray for my children’s spirits to be filled with faith in Him and patience with me. Please pray for my Richard. He is carrying a heavy load and though he is manning it well, I know he needs bouyed up.

To all of you have been praying, thank you. Thank you with every cell of my body. There is no magic wand to make me all better, but there is the power and love of God and that is a bajillion times better.

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some leave, mine is staying put

May 21, 2014 by tracy

A few weeks ago, one of the moms at gymnastics asked if her grandchild could start attending gym as she would be living with her for the next while. I readily assured her that we would love to have her granddaughter join us for the last few weeks of class.

At some point in the day, I asked her how long they would be living with her, figuring it was a temporary moving/house building/in between jobs situation. She started crying and said, “I don’t know, maybe forever. My daughter’s husband has decided he doesn’t want to take care of a sick wife anymore. He says he didn’t sign up for that and after three years, he is done. So our daughter and her children are coming to live with us and we will take care of her and our grandchildren and try to give all of them the love and security they need while trying to help her get better.”

Oh my.

My heart nearly stopped.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to believe it. To face the fact that a so-called Christian man who had made sacred covenants to God and his wife was walking away from those covenants, his wife and their children because her body had stopped working properly was far too painful for me to believe. I burst into tears.

This mama gave me a big hug and said “Your husband is so wonderful, be so grateful for him.”

Oh my.

Yes.

My heart welled up with love and gratitude and fierce devotion to this man I have been blessed with. He has always had a hard road to travel as my husband – I am loud and crazy and spontaneous and emotional and stubborn and opinionated and not very good at wifehood or housekeeping or cooking or matching socks or sticking to a plan or even making a plan. He is calm and stable and methodical and patient and forgiving.

And now my poor body takes so much of our time and money and brain cells. He works two jobs, is gone long, long hours six days a week, comes home and cooks and cleans and plays Monopoly and tries to do a little bit in the yard. He does almost all the grocery shopping. He is ready to come to me when I pass out. He rubs my sore muscles and listens to me complain. He doesn’t balk when I need another new brace or shoes or tape or protein powder or anything. He tells me I am beautiful when I have gained 30 pounds, don’t fit into most of my clothes, and hardly ever do my hair. He sees me as loving and patient and courageous and fun when I see myself as grumpy and weak and pretty miserable to be around. He has yet to be frustrated with me for being so broken.

He is amazing. Absolutely and completely amazing. And I am blessed to have him walk this journey with me.

I wish I could clone him and give him to every suffering woman in the world. I think it would change everything.

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tmj pain is no fun at all

May 20, 2014 by tracy

Lots of people regularly tell me how chipper I am about this whole EDS thing. Well, I don’t feel so chipper today. My face is turning into a shriveled up prune from all the pain my head is in and while I am not giving up by any means, I am questioning how much longer I can do this and stay sane. I have a new homeopathic pain killer I am going to try tonight and if it doesn’t help, I may need to resort to ibuprofen. I react badly to meds and switched from the allopathic world to the herbal/oil/homeopathic world years ago. Also, I don’t like taking painkillers for my hip or foot because I think the pain sensations are great indicators to tell me what those joints should and should not do, but this pain seems pointless.

When I fell 2 1/2 weeks ago, I was mostly worried about my feet and hip. That is where the pain was. By that night, my ribs, neck, back, and shoulders were of far greater concern to me, but I kept thinking they were bruised and sore and would get better soon. Then Jeremy found all the ribs shifted out of place and the cervical vertebrae shoved forward and all sorts of other problems. I have been in five times since the fall and while he keeps assuring me we are making progress, I am feeling pretty discouraged. My jaw aches something fierce – every swallow, chew, yawn, or turn of the neck hurts the TMJ area and sends pain up and over my eyebrows, then around my head. I never get headaches and now that they are a constant reality, I think I may lose my mind. My head feels like it weighs 20 pounds and needs to be whacked off so I can get some rest from hauling it around.

I have decided I can no longer chew. It hurts too much to open and close my mouth and it seems everytime I eat something else starts popping or clanking around in there. So, we are going to try out a liquid diet for a bit and see if we can get these muscles to relax. Preparing food is NOT my forte and the thought of eating smoothies, however delicious, 24/7 seems a bit repulsive to me, but Kat, my food guru, insists she will hold my hand and help me come up with some creative and delicious options including a variety of soups, bone broths, and curry.

I know it’s a bit of a downer to read these endless rants. For those of you who are sticking around, thank you. It’s nice to not be alone, but boy, howdy, I feel for you. Your patience levels with my complaining deserve a gold star.

In other news, we are gearing up for Swim Camp, trying to keep the transplanted grass from Kat’s yard alive (she dug up 2200 sq. ft. of her lawn to build her new garden), playing with our seven adorable puppies and one little kitten, grading WUBA papers, learning my duties in my new church calling in the Stake Primary, reading The Red Keep for family read-aloud, and working to stay close and connected as a family. I’ll try to have Blythe take some photos of these cute puppies tomorrow.

I’ve been drinking my Great Lakes Collagen for the past few days in my smoothies and herbal tea. It dissolves well and seems to be tasteless. I don’t even notice it which is super convenient for my extra-sensitive gag reflex. As soon as my shoulders are working well, I will make some fruit snacks with the gelatin. Last night Richard put it in some Yogi Cocoa Spice tea and it was delicious. I think this will need to be my new nightly ritual!

If you have any great liquid diet ideas, PLEASE send them my way STAT. This jaw needs a break.

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Brochure

May 19, 2014 by tracy

(Happy [late] birthday Trace. Let me know if I got anything wrong; you can click to embiggen. I have a printable version so you can carry copies in your purse to hand out as needed. Ha. xoxo, J.)

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the saga of the attacking springboard

May 15, 2014 by tracy

In the midst of all this Four Bucks To Change The World craziness, I am still trying to recover from my most recent injury. Do you remember when a springboard landed on me and then I fell down on top of it two weeks ago? Well, it has been a painful two weeks. A fun, wonderful, exciting two weeks, but a thoroughly painful two weeks.

My ribs and neck and shoulders hurt. And I am tired of them hurting. I am tired of having to think about them hurting. I am tired of having to go to PT twice a week to get them to stop hurting. It hurts to move my arms, breathe, roll over in bed, lay on my back, get dressed, laugh, move my head, chew, and open my mouth. It nearly killed me to kneel at the computer and work on all the video and blog posts for my 40th Birthday Project. I haven’t been driving these past two weeks, but I tried it yesterday for a quick jaunt to the park with Fish and Annes which was okay-ish. But today’s drive into town was painful as all get out. I am going to lie on my life-changing, giant back-sized ice pack and see if I can get these muscles to ccccaaaalllllmmmmm down.

Another set of strange post-fall symptoms is belching, yawning, reflux, and hiccups. Lots of all of them. I do not burp…really, it is such a rare thing for me…and now I am letting out these 12-year-old boy contest winning burps. And the yawns, oh my heck, they are non-stop. We think this is all being caused by the vagus nerve either being pinched or being in spasm. Getting it to stop is a high priority for me, but not so high for Jeremy…he says we will get there, but the other structures need attention first.

Jeremy thinks I will be better in four more weeks, maybe as little as two, but probably four. Two sounds good to me and is what I keep telling myself, but I have geared up for four in case it takes that long.

These injuries must end. I need some non-injured time to build some muscles and dang it all, that time is supposed to be right now (said with foot stamping the ground). Four big injuries this year so far is four too many! Right? I am SO motivated to build some muscles, but I can only do that if there isn’t a current injury.

So I wait and hurt and try to remember to take all my supplements and drink my water and eat good food. Speaking of good food, I finally ordered some Great Lakes Collagen and Great Lakes Gelatin. This weekend we will be making fruit snacks with the gelatin and I am going to be taking a tablespoon of the collagen every morning and night in my smoothie or peppermint tea or something other beverage-y thing. Do any of the use these? If so, what are your favorite ways to get it in you? Recipes?

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happy mother’s day

May 11, 2014 by tracy

Mother’s Day was a mixed bag of emotions for me today. On the one hand, I am so, so grateful to be a mother. On the other hand, I am feeling like a failure in the mothering department right now. I can’t do the things I want to do because my body simply won’t let me. Right now I can’t even drive myself anywhere. My fuse is short. My house is a mess. My emotions are up and down and all around.

And my poor children never know what to expect from one day to the next. One day, mom can take them to the park, the next day she is down in bed or passed out on the floor or grumpy as all get out. It has to be incredibly hard on them and while I hope it is forming them into resilient, service-oriented people, I worry they will look back on their childhoods and feel neglected and/or unappreciated.

So, this morning, I didn’t really want to go to church and hear how wonderful motherhood is or how some sister is the most amazing mother ever. I wasn’t up to hearing the accolades and knowing they currently don’t apply to me.

But I took a long bath and thanked God for my children and my life and the amazing blessings of my life. And then I put a dress on and walked out the door with my not-so-cute-hair and my not-so-cute-outfit and my not-so-happy-heart and decided to worship my Savior and recommit to Him to be willing to take His name upon me.

And it worked. His spirit warmed my heart and filled me up with gratitude for my mothering efforts. I am not the mother I want to be and I wish things were different for our family, but really, we are doing the best we can in a pretty tough situation and I need to give myself some slack while also striving to nurture these precious souls with His love and His grace.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Thank you for loving and serving and teaching and creating and inspiring children everywhere.

And here is a note to my mama who is feeling less than the pinnacle of motherhood today as well:

Mom, I love you. More than words can ever express, I love you. You are a wonderful mother and boy, howdy, and amazing grandma. I am so grateful for the privilege I have had to learn from you and be loved by you. I hope someday you will be able to let the guilt go. You did a wonderful job in spite of the circumstances you were in. Do you remember the many times you stayed up all night with me helping me with a school project I had procrastinated? Do you remember designing all my student council election campaign posters? And working for hours to hang them up? Do you remember all the love notes you slipped into my lunch? Do you remember all the prayers you have sent to Heaven on my behalf? Do you remember braiding my hair? Sewing my clothes? Laughing till we peed our pants? I love you. Always know, I love you and am grateful for you.

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four bucks for ainsley

May 11, 2014 by tracy

Ainsley Smedley is one of the recipients of my Four Bucks to Change The World campaign to celebrate my 40th birthday.

Ainsley is the daughter of my cousin Jenny. Jenny is really my second cousin, but in my family we are close-knit. I grew up attending a big reunion every summer with all my second cousins and third cousins and thought of them all as first cousins. Tami, my dear, dear friend, is actually one of those second cousins as well. Jenny’s dad, Winn, was always one of my favorites – he would play with the young kids as if he were one of the gang.

Jenny and Bryan, are the parents of five children, Meili-10, Rhyan-9, Ava-7, Ainsley-5, and Hudson, born about 6 weeks before Ainsley’s diagnosis, is now 1.

Aren’t they the cutest thing ever?

I remember the first week of Ainsley’s diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and reading this post from Bryan, her daddy. It broke my heart that within a few short days their entire world had been turned upside down. Ainsley had just turned four years old and started having bruises appear on her legs. Jenny was concerned about another issue altogether – constipation – and was able to get her into the doctor just a few days later. Those bruises started spreading and her lymph glands swelled up. The next day, the doctor called and said he was fairly certain Ainsley had leukemia and needed to be admitted to the Children’s Hospital that very day. By the end of that week, Ainsley underwent surgery, had a chemo port put in, and started on the 2 1/2 year chemotherapy regimen. Can you even imagine your world changing that much from Tuesday to Friday? Add in a 6 week old to boot and a dad in medical residency and you’ve got the makings of one rough ride.

But the Smedleys have stuck together. They have learned to love and serve and sacrifice for one another in beautiful, heartbreaking ways. Last Mother’s Day, Jenny shaved her head when Ainsley’s beautiful red locks fell out in clumps.

They have sold Ainsley’s Army bracelets, made sure to laugh as much as possible, and have nurtured their faith in God’s miracles.

Since that fateful week in February 2013, Ainsley has been fighting with all she’s got. She is sassy, determined, and has more oomph than I can imagine. She has hollered at nurses one minute and thanked them the next. She is full of love and spice and just the right blend of humor. The Smedleys have a favorite phrase, “Cancer picked the wrong girl!” and Ainsley likes to finish it by saying “I’m gonna kick its butt!”

Cancer has changed their family forever, as it does everyone who faces it. The three girls have had to grow up quickly, baby Hudson has had a far different babyhood than his four older siblings – he’s been well-loved, but has had to get used to lots of different situations and helpers, and everyone has had to learn to survive on much less sleep. They have dealt with endless doctor’s appointments, puking children, lumbar punctures, steroid rage, five little children needing more time and attention than is humanly possible to provide when one of them has cancer, and so much more. They have also been surrounded with supportive family and friends who have walked this journey with them.

Bryan is often the one who writes the blog updates on Ainsley’s condition and I have come to love him through his words of pain, heartache, faith, and hope. Here is one of his posts and here is another one that show you the caliber of man he is.

I love this picture of Jenny and Ainsley! They both have some spunk!

Living in the land of make-believe and dress-ups are some of Ainsley’s favorite things.

Look at all that hair growing back in!

I haven’t seen Jenny for years, but I have always loved her parents and siblings and now, through the sharing of their journey through cancer, I have fallen head over heels in love with her husband, children, and especially Ainsley. My little Annesley is just one year older, has nearly the same name, and has the same zest for living, passionate emotions, and courage that Ainsley is kickin’ cancer with. I often hold my Annes a little closer and snuggle her a little longer because of what her cousin Ainsley is going through.

Let’s all chip in our $4.00 to help them with the medical bills that are piling up! If we each do a little and spread the word to help others do a little, we can make a big difference in their lives! Click here or go to youcaring.com/fourbucks to give Ainsley four bucks today.

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four bucks for dando amor

May 11, 2014 by tracy

Dando Amor is one of the recipients in my 40th birthday celebration, Four Bucks To Change The World. Dando Amor is a local Idaho organization whose mission is giving love.

Dando Amor is a non-profit charity dedicated to blessing the lives of children throughout the world. Serving in Ecuador, Burkina Faso, and Haiti, Dando Amor takes regular service trips to all three countries. All are invited to join the Dando Amor team, whether on a mission trip, or helping fundraise at home, volunteers are always needed.

Dando Amor was founded by Travis and Jennie Gugelman and Lori Nordstrom. After going to Ecuador on a photography assignment and visiting many orphanages, they realized the orphanages backed by American organizations and businesses were far ahead of those that were not. The children living in orphanages who received funding from outside organizations were healthier, more educated, and happier. So they decided to make a difference by both supporting existing orphanages and starting their very own.

In 2013 Dando Amor opened their own boys’ orphanage in Quito, Ecuador. Boys over the age of twelve are no longer allowed in the normal children’s orphanages – they are seen as a possible risk. Most of them have no where else to go and end up living on the street. Travis, Jennie, and Lori decided to open their own orphanage for these older boys. This was and continues to be a very big undertaking, but the Dando Amor Team knew the time had come and they needed to do something to keep the children they loved off the streets.

We have been donating to Dando Amor for awhile now and are incredibly impressed with how they use their funds to save both lives and hearts. This year we didn’t give Christmas presents to each other and instead sent that money to Dando Amor. Our friends, Jen, Paula, and Lisa, have all gone on Dando Amor service trips with their families and all have been changed forever by the work Dando Amor is doing to Be The Good. My daughter, Blythe, is planning on serving with OSSO or Dando Amor soon. My goal with this Four Bucks Campaign is to help Dando Amor open a girls’ orphanage for the older teenage girls this summer. They need every penny we can send them. Check them out on Facebook or on their website.

Click here to give four bucks to Dando Amor.

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four bucks for maggie

May 11, 2014 by tracy

Maggie is one of the four recipients in my Four Bucks To Change The World project to celebrate my 40th birthday. I have been dear friends with Maggie’s mom, Jodie, for the past 10 years. We have worked together in various education endeavors and spent time in each other’s homes. I love Jodie dearly. She has taught me much about living with purpose, loving deeply, and seeing infinite possibilities in the world and people around us. She is a woman of vision and determination.

Here is their story as told by Jodie:

Maggie was born in the early morning hours of summer. She would be my first, my daughter, and the culmination of a dream I had once thought might never come true. Of course, we anticipated our babymoon would be spent counting her perfect fingers and toes, kissing her little pink body and taking in the scent of that beautiful newborn head.

We were blindsided by the unexpected. When she finally arrived she was non-responsive. Our limp little girl was whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). We felt like deer staring into the headlights of a MAC truck.

Maggie had brain damage. The news came quickly and horribly. Doug and I entered the NICU and saw our tiny baby wired, tubed, and needled. She lay limp, her little lips quivering, and black eyes frighteningly empty. How could this be the rolling ball of life that filled my womb just moments before?

From her very first moments here, we committed to give Maggie everything she needed to blossom. We used music therapy, cranial sacral therapy, homeopathy, brain gym, kangaroo care and good ‘ol breast milk. Surrounded by babies that had been in the NICU for months, those dark eyes quickly filled with life and Maggie was released only three weeks after sustaining a traumatic brain injury.

It’s been seven years since the MAC truck of brain injury hit our family. Maggie’s days have been filled with trillions of hours of feeding, endless trips to therapy sessions and specialist appointments, with little brothers and sister in tow from office to office to office. AND . . . thanks to donors like you, Maggie’s days have also been filled with birthday parties, swimming, hiking, beaches, snowshoeing, horseback riding, biking, movies, playing games, friends, learning to read way earlier than her mom even knew, loving math, freedom in an electric wheelchair, finally sitting up in the bathtub, doing chores, speaking with the iPad, and calling friends on the phone.

What of the next ten years? Well, that’s just the Magic of Maggie. When you’re told that you’ll never be able to walk, or talk, or feed yourself, or have a family of your own then, really, the door of possibilities just swings wide open! Dreams, belief, determination and opportunity are the four pillars of a miracle. Maggie has the dreams, the belief, and the determination. You can help Maggie access opportunity.

Maggie’s Month was inspired to help fund the opportunities Maggie needs for her miracles to happen. The opportunities that your donation will support are:

Eagle Eyes: a program that would allow Maggie to communicate her own thoughts using the movement of her eyes. Here is a video describing this awesome communication system.

The Upsee: A standing mobility system that would allow Maggie to participate in play, work, and learning in ways that she has never been able to before. Here is a video by the mom who invented the Upsee showing how it works.

Horse (Hippo) Therapy: “In riding a horse we borrow freedom.” says Helen Thompson. Hippo therapy has a host of benefits such as strengthening core muscles, relaxing hips, and encouraging better speech therapy results, but more importantly it brings confidence, comfort and joy to the rider, not to mention sweet, sweet freedom. Watch this video to learn more about hippo therapy from the National Ability Center’s Equestrian Program. Here is a Maggie riding her horse – get a tissue, I always cry when I see her on the horse.

Anat Baniel Lessons (ABM): ABM is a method of helping the brain re-pattern and organize itself through specific movement of the body. It has helped individuals develop body function that they previously didn’t have. The sessions are called “lessons” rather than “therapy” and the participants called “students” rather than “patients” because of the learning the brain does during the session. This has become our preferred therapy because of the remarkable results we have seen in Maggie in comparison to the hours and hours we’ve spent in traditional physical and occupational therapy. Here is a video showing the effectiveness of ABM.

Through the gift of her disability, Maggie has become a teacher of love, ability and healing. She has inspired people across the globe to live better and more fully, and to reach out in small and simple ways to make the world a better and sweeter place for all through family philanthropy. She is a bridge builder, a We Sherpa.

We hope that your family will be inspired to provide Maggie the gift of opportunity as she pursues miracles in her life. But even more importantly, we hope Maggie will inspire your family to regularly take up causes of good to support. Regular people, honoring the principle of giving have, do, and will make the greatest impact for good in the world.

Click here to give four bucks to Maggie!

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four bucks for aidan

May 7, 2014 by tracy

Raise your hand to help Aidan! Then jump over to my Four Bucks To Change The World page at YouCaring.com/FourBucks and donate your $4.00 to bless Aidan’s life.

I met Aidan and his family a few years ago when God guided me into their lives. I was in the middle of doing a fundraiser for Make It For Maggie and knew in my heart there was a family in our local area we needed to support, but I didn’t know who it was. I kept praying to be guided to the family we were to reach out to and bless. Then God told me about Rachel and Lincoln Lear and their three precious boys.

I called Rachel up out of the blue (here is her beautiful perspective on the whole thing) and told her we wanted to raise money for her boys’ needs. As shocked as she was that a complete stranger was calling her, she graciously accepted my plan to make a difference in the life of her family. We have been dear friends ever since and I count them as one of the great blessings in my life. Aidan teaches me how to love more purely and more deeply. His heart is huge and he shares his love abundantly.

Here is what the Lear’s neighbor, Mary, said about them.

“I believe that some people need challenges and trials in their lives in order to turn their hearts toward God, and I believe that some people agreed to have certain challenges and trials in their lives and praise God through it all in order to turn other people’s heart to Him. Rachel and Lincoln Lear, along with their precious boys are just such people. Rachel and Lincoln are two of the most humble, kind, gracious and self-less people you will ever meet. They have been given tremendous mountains to climb during their journey on this earth. They have been blessed to be the parents of four beautiful boys, one of which is waiting for them in heaven.

Their other three boys have serious health problems. Aidan, the oldest, is 9 years old. He has been diagnosed with Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome, which is the most severe form of childhood epilepsy. It is extremely rare, with one retrospective study estimating the annual incidence of LGS at 0.002%.

LGS is characterised by daily, multiple seizures of varying types, larger than any other epileptic syndrome. The wide range of seizure types can include Tonic, Myoclonic, Tonic/Clonic, atonic, atypical absence and non-convulsive status seizures. 78% of children with LGS have an underlying cause such as brain lesions, genetic abnormalities, hereditary metabolic disorders, encephilitus, meningitus, brain injury or history of infantile spasms (West Syndrome). In 22% of cases, there is no known cause. A cause has not yet been determined in Aidan’s case.

The onset of seizures usually begins between 2 and 6 years of age, with an average onset of 3 years. Over time the child will have multiple seizures that are resistant to treatment. Multiple anti-convulsant medications are usually needed to decrease the frequency of seizures, but complete seizure control is very unusual.

The combination of multiple medication side effects and multiple daily seizures take their toll on the child and causes a progressive decline in cognitive, physical and social development. The prognosis of these children is very poor. There is no known cure for LGS and a future free from seizures and normal intillectual and/or physical development is exceedingly rare, leading many Neurologists to identify Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome as a catastrophic diagnosis.

Aidan’s health has been declining over the past years and in January of this year, he contracted pnemonia in both lungs. There were many complications due to his already fragile state. He had a tracheotomy done and is now on a permanent ventilator as well as a permanent feeding tube. After over 2 months in the hospital, he was able to come home in March and is currently on hospice care.

The Lear’s second oldest, Jacen is 6 years old. He has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy with a seizure disorder. He has not been diagnosed with LGS, although his behavior and decline in health is mirroring what happened with Aidan.

Their youngest, Damon, is 4 years old. He has been diagnosed with epilepsy.

All three boys have varying degrees of developmental delays and regressions. They also all have a body temperature dysfunction, where they can’t regulate their body temperature so they cannot play outside, or over-exert themselves in anyway. The specialists haven’t fully diagnosed any of the boys, but they do say that they are dealing with a genetic disorder, that all the boys have the same thing and are just at different stages.

On top of it all, their angel mother Rachel, was diagnosed a few years ago with epilepsy herself. So she has her own migraines and seizures with all the side-effects to deal with on top of pouring every ounce of energy she has into caring for her boys and all of their needs.

Despite having more challenges than most people, the Lears are happy, grateful, giving, and positive people. They are most deserving of any and all good that could come their way. They need help buying medical equipment to improve the boys’ quality of life, medical expenses, and possible funeral expenses for dear Aidan.”

An artist painted this picture for Aidan last week – he loves it!

I can’t paint and my body isn’t strong enough to take care of him, but I can still show my love for him by raising money for his needs. I want to make a difference in Aidan’s life and the lives of his family members. Let’s get them the equipment and funding they need so they can focus on living and loving without the huge stress of “how do we pay for this?” hanging over every decision.

Go to youcaring.com/fourbucks to donate today. Then spread this far and wide. Let’s get 40,000 four buck donations.

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40

May 7, 2014 by tracy

Today is my 40th birthday! For the past five years, I have been looking forward to climbing my favorite mountain to celebrate this momentous occasion, but now that my body is suffering with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, it is not going to happen anytime soon.

Maybe someday when my body is stronger and more capable of doing hard things, I will be able to climb my mountain. But for now, I have to come up with a new way of celebrating. I like to do big things – I thought of having a big party with 40 of my dearest friends. For a teensy moment I thought about what presents I wanted. I finally decided instead of a party or presents, I wanted to do something BIG for the world – something that would actually make a difference in the lives of those around me. I want to climb a tall mountain of goodness.

I have chosen my four favorite families/organizations that need help and am searching for 40,000 (yes, you heard me right, I am shooting for at least 40,000 people) to donate $4.00 to one of these causes. We can do this! We can bless the world with $160,000 for my birthday.

See, I know there is goodness in this world. As my body has fallen apart the past two years, I have been surrounded by love and service and sacrifice and it is time I spread that love far and wide. My donations to any of these four causes, will not make a big difference, but together, we can make a huge impact. We can change the world by joining my $4.00 with your $4.00 and spreading this post all over Facebook, contacting news organizations, and emailing our friends and family members to join with us in being the good in the world.

My Four Favorite Causes

• Dando Amor
• Aidan Lear
• Maggie Palmer
• Ainsley Smedley

Let’s make this go viral! I am convinced that through many small actions, we can make a HUGE impact. $4.00 is small, almost everyone reading this can donate $4.00, so do it now, and let’s BE THE GOOD!

Go to youcaring.com/fourbucks to donate today and then please, please, please, share this far and wide.

Does anyone have an in with a news organization? Have a big following on twitter? Please help me get this project out to the world. I don’t know 40,000, but we can reach that many if you will help me.

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new calling

May 5, 2014 by tracy

Last week I received a new church calling. In our church we receive callings from a member of our local ward (geographic area of about 400 – 800 members) Bishop or from our Stake Presidency if it is a stake (group of 8-10 wards) I am now serving the Stake Primary Presidency as the secretary. The Primary is our organization for children up to age 12.

It is a tad (okay, a LOT) overwhelming to think of adding anything more to my life. I feel great peace about the calling and feel strongly that the Lord is asking me to serve His children in this way at this time. In spite of the peace, I also know that I am at my limit and my family is at their limit. Something or several things need to be let go to free up time, mental energy, physical strength, and spiritual guidance for this calling. It is going to require much of me and frankly, I don’t have much to give. Some hard choices need to be made and I don’t want to make them. I want to do EVERYTHING I want to do and I cannot. I am going to be spending the next while pondering and praying and getting really clear on what God wants me to do right now. My list is long: wifing (is that how you spell the act of being a good wife?), mothering, homeschooling, taking care of my body’s fairly complex needs with nutrition, supplements, exercise, rest, therapy, and careful planning, personal education, personal spiritual work, genealogy, iFamily Board duties, mentoring, gymnastics, colloquia, Swim Camp, other homeschool events that I love to plan, philanthropy, cooking, cleaning, friends, and church responsibilities. This is not a random list to see how long I can get it, this is a list of things I am anxiously engaged in right now, care about deeply, and spend much time and energy on. I know God will strengthen me and help me to accomplish His purposes, but I also know I need to make some difficult decisions.

I am pondering the words from my priesthood blessing yesterday and spending time listening to the impressions of the Spirit. My prayer is that God will teach me His will and then strengthen me to do what He asks.

Serving and loving and nurturing children is one of my very favorite things to do – I am excited to be an instrument in His hands in bringing children to drink from His well of living water, to help them feel safe and wanted and fed by the Spirit.

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ouchie-wah-wah

May 5, 2014 by tracy

24 ribs twisted and stuck and skeewampus. C1 – C7 shoved forward. Pelvis torqued 1/2″ higher on the right side. Lots of pain. All from one little fall.

Mr. Jeremy is a miracle worker. He moved all the vertebrae back to where they should be and now I can move my head from side to side. He fixed the ribs that were poking me and not moving correctly for my lungs to inflate. He quickly pushed my right hip back into position to level me out.

And that is as far as we got. There were so many bones out of place he couldn’t get to all of them in our forty minutes together. We are hoping someone cancels this week so I can get back in for the rest of the joints to be fixed. My shoulders, pubic bone, sacrum, and all those pesky bones in my feet are still not where they should be.

For now I am back in bed with an ice pack on my back and a determined attitude in my soul.

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sleep & less pain, wahoo

May 4, 2014 by tracy

I spent all day Saturday in bed, moaning, trying to sleep, and trying to think positive, uplifting thoughts. I kept looking at the blue sky and trees outside my window and let that view fill my spirit with hope. Spring is here, growth and renewal are part of the cycle of life and while my body may have moments of winter, I also have wonderful moments of spring. Last week was one of them and if this injury takes me a while to recover from, I am going to hold on to those spring-like moments of riding my Elliptigo and exercising with Jeremy to get me through this next bout of winter experiences.

After several treatments with BF&C (Bone, Flesh, & Cartilage herbal salve) and Deeper essential oil and a long soak with Epsom salts, my back is feeling quite a bit improved. For several hours yesterday I could hardly move my right arm at all – the area around my scapula was so tight it hurt to move anything more than my fingers. I can also breathe again without excruciating pain. Yesterday, every breath felt like ribs were stabbing into me. Today it just hurts badly if I take a deep breath. I was able to get some sleep last night and today I am going to try to attend church. I don’t know if that is wise or not, but I desperately want to be there.

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fire in my soul

May 3, 2014 by tracy

When things like this happen it is so hard for me not to give in to anger. A little part of me wants to cry and lash out and scream and let my fire-breathing anger consume everything around me.

I am trying hard to stay in a place of peace and hope and calm and love.

Strengthen me, Jesus, fill me with thy power and glory that I may have peace.

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who knew to watch out for falling springboards?

May 3, 2014 by tracy

DRAT IT ALL!

I don’t want to post this story, I don’t want to share the dismal news of another injury (and I certainly don’t want to break my mama’s heart again), but I feel in the interest of honesty I must.

I have had a fabulous week. My right foot has been strong and stayed in place. Walking has been nearly pain free and about a gazillion times faster than it has been the past few months. All week long I had comments from people about how well I was moving. I exercised and rode my Ellitigo and smiled from ear to ear all week long. Yesterday at gymnastics I was able to be up on my feet and even played catch with one of my students who needed some love from her Miss Tracy. It was such a fun, wonderful day.

And then it wasn’t. I was walking by the equipment wall when a springboard that was leaning up against the wall fell and hit my left leg, scraping it on the way down. I must have jumped out of the way and fallen because the next thing I knew, I had landed on my back on top of the springboard.

At first, I thought I was okay, just scraped up a little, but over the next couple of hours we figured out I was in worse shape than I thought. When the amazing Grant (the young man who teaches my gymnastics classes for me since my body can’t do that anymore) moved me off the springboard and onto the floor, my left shoulder was touching the floor and my right shoulder wasn’t, which meant my pelvis was twisted. Soon my legs started trembling and my hands got tingly and I knew I needed help, so I called Sheri to come and bring me some ice packs, her nurse know-how, and most of all her great big loving heart, full of laughter. She found me on the floor with my muscles tight and trembling, my leg bruising from the springboard attack, and my hip starting to go into panic mode.

She decided we needed my wheelchair to move me, so we called Blythe to bring it over, got me loaded up in it, and started pushing me to the car. And then I passed out. My hip really can’t handle me sitting in the wheelchair. That position pinches the femoral nerve and almost always causes me to pass out, but sometimes it is necessary when I can’t walk on my own or the risk of me passing out from a standing position is too great.

Sheri and her husband got me home and settled on my couch so I could rest for a few hours before the iFamily Spring Showcase which I was determined to attend. Kat and Sheri both encouraged me to not attend, but I could not fathom that idea – all my girls were performing in various numbers and I wanted to watch them. How could I miss my Annesley performing her clogging dance she has been SO excited about for months?

So, with a lot of help from a lot of people, I made it to the Showcase and laughed and smiled and cried. I love this organization so much! Everywhere I looked I saw people I love and my heart swelled with joy at their accomplishments, contributions, and presence. The 50+ families that attend iFamily are intentional, invested, inspiring families who bless my life in innumerable ways. I couldn’t stop crying as I heard Jen’s iFamily Orchestra perform their three pieces they have worked so hard to prepare all year long. My Jen is a woman of purpose, vision, and determination. She is a one-woman powerhouse of talent and heart who has created an orchestra out of a hodge-podge of musicians with widely varying skill levels, ages, and commitment levels. I am so, so proud of her! And grateful for her dedication to not only music, but the development of the human souls she teaches.

All of the other groups were fabulous as well – the choirs, Spanish class, and dancers all did a wonderful work. Our art teacher took pictures of the art projects and brought them over to my chair so I could see. Such talented students!

I loved watching the girls perform – Annesley rocked it as she clogged her little heart out, Keziah played violin in the Orchestra, and Blythe’s ACTivate troupe performed the epilogue from their recent play. I was able to visit with dear friends, especially all the little children that call me Miss Tracy, and smile and laugh with my grown up friends as well.

When Richard and Sheri finally got me wheeled back into my house and got me into bed, the tears and pain finally hit in full force. My feet ache. My back feels like it has been hammered for hours from the top of my neck all the way down to my tailbone. The bruising on my left leg is very tender. My pubic bone is out of place and the femoral nerve feels like it is being plucked like a guitar string. The top of my pelvis on the right side is protruding and all the muscles are in spasm trying to hold those skeewampus bones in place. I am pretty sure some ribs are out of place since it hurts to breathe and I can’t use my right arm very well. Every time Richard moved in bed last night, I would moan in pain and beg him to please, please hold still – surely the man doesn’t need to breathe, right?

Despite all this, I do think this will be a minor setback. Jeremy will put me all back together on Monday and I am hopeful once the bruising and feeling like I have been hit by a Mack Truck subside, I will be right back to building muscles. But I don’t know. I am sore enough that something could be quite wrong.

Today is Paige’s baptism. I don’t think I can go. And that makes me cry even more. Miss Paige is my girlie – I attended her birth eight years ago and held her mom (Jennifer, from iFamily Orchestra fame) in my arms as Paige was life flighted to Primary Children’s Medical Center for a heart defect. I can’t imagine not being there, but I also don’t want to mar her special day by my needing to be taken care of while there.

So, I will spend the day, this glorious day, in bed and hope the arnica I am smothered in kicks in soon and relieves the don’t-move-don’t-touch-me-I-am-sore-all-over-feeling.

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water?

Apr 29, 2014 by tracy

My dear friend Jessica is a lap swimmer. She loves swimming lap after lap with her long arms and legs propelling her through the water for miles at a time. I kid you not, it is a work of beauty. Jenn and I watched her lithe body glide gracefully back and forth, back and forth, and were awestruck by how well her body works in the pool. She has been searching for a pool to do her workouts in and we thought water might be really good for me, so I have been tagging along on her pool experiments to see what I think.

And the verdict? I think I love it. I can’t swim with actual swim strokes because my joints are so loose they will get sprained, subluxed, or dislocated by the lever action of strokes and kicks, but I can walk around the pool, do squats, balancing exercises, marching, and slow water jogging. It is awfully boring to walk around the pool by myself and I don’t know if I will be able to keep that level of boredom up long term. I think I need a friend to do it with me so we can talk the whole time. I LOVE the way my body feels afterwards. It feels worked. All the muscles feel soft and heavy and exercised. I haven’t felt that wonderful head to toe sensation of being strengthened for a long time – I’m sure it is better than drugs.

So, now I need to decide if I want to spend the pennies to buy a pool membership, buy the gas to drive in 3-5 times a week, and spend the time away from my family.

The pros: It feels amazing. The warm water relaxes my muscles and simultaneously gives them a workout. My body is much safer in water than on land – the buoyancy helps protect me from injury because it is harder for my joints to go to far.

Cons: Cost. Time.

I have quite a bit of exercise equipment here…Elliptigo, treadmill, balance pad, ball, bands, etc. So, now that I can exercise again, I could just use what I have and see how that goes. Hmmm. I don’t know what to do!

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back in the saddle, i mean gym, again!

Apr 29, 2014 by tracy

Banner day! Back in late November my body had progressed to the point of being able to exercise in the gym and I had a great two months of building muscles, not passing out, and feeling oodles of hope for my body. Then in January I slipped on the ice and tore some muscles and a few days later picked up a little girl at gym and separated my pubic bone. After a few weeks of being in bed with that injury, my right foot was injured when a boy landed on it while bouncing on a hippity-hop ball. It was worse than we thought and has taken much longer to heal than I ever imagined. At times I have wondered if I could go on trying to heal when it sometimes seems pointless, but God has walked with me these past four months and infused me with courage to keep trying.

And now I am back at baseline…the place I was back in November before these two latest injuries happened. My foot is not all the way healed, but I am out of the tape and it is feeling pretty good. The muscles of my lower leg still need to figure out how to take their superhero capes off and relax (they think they need to singlehandedly save my body from falling apart so they are tight as tight can be). Yesterday I was able to go to the big room at the gym and try all sorts of new exercises! I have been riding the Elliptigo for a few days and it feels great – good and hard and FANTABULOUS! Jeremy had me work a lot on lateral movements to strengthen both my pelvis and my feet and now I will do the same exercises at home.

The goal right now is NO NEW INJURIES. None. We must build some muscles right now while my body is in an okay place. So, off to ride my magic Elliptigo I love so much.

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contortions

Apr 24, 2014 by tracy

It seems my crazy collagen is awfully fragile. A few days ago I was rubbing my right foot (the currently injured/sprained/continually moving out of place one) against my left foot during scripture study. Somehow that gentle pressure moved the talus on my left foot out of place! Oh my goodness! It hurt like heck and when I went in to the amazing Mr. Jeremy, he found the talus shifted all skeewampus.

Well.

I am a foot-contorting, curl my toes underneath my feet kind of gal and it seems I am stretching out those feet ligaments on a continual basis with all those contorting movements I mindlessly do when I am say, going to the bathroom (curl my toes underneath me) or reading scriptures (curl my feet around each other) or lying in bed (curl my feet around each other and stuff my cold feet between Richard’s legs to warm them up). So Jeremy wants me to wear shoes 24/7…high top ankle restricting shoes. I told him no way on buying ANOTHER pair of shoes since a high top pair is so far out of my realm of fashion sense, but I am dutifully wearing my trusty Danskos in bed and everywhere else to try to cut down on the contorting my feet can accomplish while my mind is elsewhere.

On the upside, I have permission to ride my awesome Elliptigo for three minutes a day! Hip, hip, hoorah! I am so excited to be able to be back at building muscles…at least a teensy bit. On the building muscles theme, Jessica, Jenn, and I went swimming last week. Jess is determined to find a lap swimming pool she loves and we wanted to see how my body would do in a pool. I really thought swimming would be fabulous for me. I was wrong. I couldn’t swim without major issues. Crawl stroke popped my shoulders out of place. Breast stroke popped my hip out of place and flutter kicks killed my foot and sent spasms up my legs. So, within about two minutes I ascertained that lap swimming is out and decided to jog in place instead while focusing on keeping my feet flexed. It felt great! Afterwards I was sore and worked from neck to feet, but good-sore, not bad-sore and I started trying to figure out how to incorporate water therapy into my life.

I asked Jeremy about it this week and he said “Swimming for you is DANGEROUS! Water therapy would be great.” He quickly explained all the dislocation risks I had discovered on my maiden pool trip and encouraged me to try it out, be cautious, and be wise. So today I am going to go try again and basically just walk around the pool and work on balancing on one foot at a time.

Teensy bits of progress!

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math=life lessons

Apr 21, 2014 by tracy

Our little man has what I lovingly call the “leave me alone and let me build things and find bugs and for heaven’s sake, don’t make me sit still and do workbooks syndrome.” He does love me to read to him and he will sit for hours while I do so. He also sits still whenever he is focused on something of his own choosing. Lately it has been learning to draw bugs, race cars, and space ships.

He is really good at math. His minds gets math. I love watching the wheels turn in his mind as he ponders something and figures it out. But he doesn’t really like doing math. He especially doesn’t like to be cheerful as he does it. I was about to pull out my hair with all his grumpiness and flat out refused to help him whenever he turned into a whiney mess of “I can’t do it, I hate math, why can’t I go outside?” Richard talked to him. I talked to him. But nothing really helped for more than a day at a time. I thought about it. I prayed about it. Then I put a plan into action.

About four weeks ago I made him a deal. I told him if he could cheerfully do math with me and get done with his current math book and the next math book by the end of April, I would buy him the remote control rat he had been dreaming about since last fall. He had me count up all the pages in both books and help him figure out a schedule of four pages a day, three days a week.

But then I went to California with my dad…and then my mom and sister came…and we got behind on his schedule. We had to revamp it to seven pages a day, four days a week. And he cheerfully worked hard and learned a gob of new information and increased his skills and wowed me with how smart his little mind is. Somedays he got through eight pages, sometimes nine, but usually seven tuckered him out.

This morning he woke up and came and snuggled in bed with me and asked “How many more pages do I have in my math book?” I said “I don’t know, let’s count them up.” Well, he had 28 more pages so I said “You are doing great buddy! You are going to make it to your goal, I am so proud of you!”

He thought about it for a few minutes and then asked ever so sweetly, “Mom, can we do all 28 pages today? I want to finish today.”

“Of course! I will help you out and put in the time if you are willing to put in the time.” And so we started.

Nearly five hours later we finished. He was exhausted, but quite pleased with himself. He almost gave up a few times, but he stuck it out and pushed himself to do hard things. When he finished the last page, he gave me a heartfelt look with his big blue eyes and red eyelashes and said “Mom, thank you for helping me.”

He immediately called his papa and told him the good news and asked him to go pick up the rat. We found out a few hours later that the rat was only available at Halloween time and had been gone from the store for months. The poor boy! He was so disappointed. I found one online and offered to get it for him and have it arrive sometime next week, but in the end he decided to get a little lego set he found on clearance at our local variety store with his papa tonight.

I don’t believe in bribing children. I DO believe in helping them learn better skills and behaviors by occasionally creating a plan with them that involves a tangible reward. Fisher didn’t have to do x and then he got y. He had to overcome his desire to complain about his math book for weeks on end, treat me respectfully, learn a lot of really tough stuff, and stick with it day after day. In my mind, that is totally worth $14.

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wired for joy

Apr 21, 2014 by tracy

Today is the day! I ordered Wired For Joy a few months ago and today I finally have some reading time to open it up and dig in. This gem of a book is going to teach me how to calm down my nervous system response and reprogram my brain for well-being instead of the stress response.

I’ll let you know my progress and results as I progress through the book and start implementing the techniques and tools.

I am thinking about a few other things to incorporate into myu life as part of my healing journey…water therapy, working diligently on taking my supplements and proper nutrients, spending focused time with the Lord each day, and living with my whole heart once again. I feel like I have been working so hard to protect my body from getting injured that I have somehow closed off my heart from loving deeply…as if protecting myself from all hurts is the answer! Not so, my friends. I am passionate and loud and spontaneous and giving and loving and I must find some way to incorporate these parts of my personality into this life of careful body care or I may shrivel up and die. I have felt like I am dying for months…that the real parts of me are withering away and all that is left is an empty shell of a person that I don’t want to be.

I am also working on developing a new business called Raise Your Joys. I can’t put much time into it until iFamily and Keziah’s play are over, but be watching for some big announcements soon.

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full to the brim

Apr 20, 2014 by tracy

Have you ever felt full to the brim with gratitude? With joy? Right in this moment I am…and I want to savor it and soak it in like those warm August days of summer that we like to take into our souls to get us through the long months of winter cold and dreariness.

Right this moment, the sun is shining through my window, casting a warm, yellow glow through the trees of our yard. The sky is a beautiful deep blue. My children are happily talking and laughing with one another while they hold the squeaking puppies.

Yesterday I was blessed to make a dream come true for my oldest daughters. Two years ago when Hale Centre Theatre announced they were doing Les Miserables in 2014 I promised them I would take them. Of course we had no idea what these two years would be like and didn’t know how hard of a promise it would be to keep. We especially didn’t know that nine weeks ago my foot would be so badly injured and make it very difficult for me to drive or do much of anything. But yesterday the blessings poured down upon me and I was able to take my girls and two of their friends on a lovely adventure. We had so much fun laughing and singing and loving together. My girls have been taking care of me for the past two years, but especially the last two months and it has been really, really taxing on their spirits. They see me as the taskmaster bossing them around from my bedroom which has been pretty challenging for our relationships. We haven’t had any girl fun for quite a while and it was wonderful for all of us to get away from laundry and dishes and schoolwork and broken bodies for awhile.

The girls and their friends were able to explore Gardner Village, chase snakes at the pond, ride the Ferris wheel at Scheels, eat lots of cookies, eat a delicious meal at our favorite place, Old Spaghetti Factory, get some awesome ballons from Matthew the Balloon Guy, AND thoroughly enjoy Les Mis. I was the chaffeur for the day and though my foot was throbbing by the time I pulled in to our driveway at 1:00 a.m., it was totally worth it to have such a memorable day with my daughters and their friends.

While we were gone, a friend snuck into our home and left a check for a month of physical therapy for me. Oh my, there is so much goodness in this world! This foot injury has set me back so far and I have worried and wondered how to make my Moola For Muscles funds stretch far enough to make it through this year that is supposed to be focused on muscle building, not foot healing. God keeps sending angels to help me keep going to therapy and getting put back together.

This morning I took some time to write a letter to each of our children a letter about Jesus, His death and resurrection, and shared some of my thoughts about their lives. We have never done Easter baskets or egg hunts or anything like that, but yesterday I felt prompted to get each of them a little present to help them in their spiritual walk with Christ. Then I called them into my room individually and had a resurrection talk with each of them with lots of hugs and kisses and gave them their present.

Today at church we sang “Christ The Lord is Risen Today” two times! It is my favorite Easter hymn and I love to belt it out at the top of my lungs. I felt sorry for the young couple sitting in front of us! I don’t have a very good singing voice and when I sing lying down in my zero gravity chair it is even worse, but I couldn’t restrain my joy at singing those words I love so much. Charles Wesley, the son of Susannah Annesley, wrote those words and everytime I sing it I fall in love with Miss Susannah all over again.

Life is full of bounteous blessings – good people surround me, rich experiences teach and sustain me, and my precious family is always here for me. Most of all, God lives with His arm outstretched to me in love and because of His love I can be both resurrected and redeemed. And so can you.

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it’s not all showers

Apr 16, 2014 by tracy

Lest you think my life is full of dreariness and tears, it is not. It is full of frienships and hugs and laughter and learning and blessings and joy AND injury and pain and frustration.

Today in Annesley’s “I Have Character” class, she was transformed into a clown complete with blue eyebrows, white cheeks, red nose, and juggling balls. She LOVED it. I so wish I had my camera with me because she was the cutest clown I have ever seen. They read Tomie de Paulo’s The Clown of God and learned about love.

Meanwhile, Fisher carried around his bugs in his giant pretzel bin and guarded them with his life. Since spring-like weather has hit the past few days, he is back to constant bug finding mode. He cracks me up with how much he loves his little grasshoppers, beetles, and spiders.

I was able to teach my WUBA students about six keys of personal influence: example, service, oral persuasion, written persuasion, prayer, and the arts. We had a beautiful discussion and I realized once again how much I love teaching and touching the souls of these youth.

My life is rich beyond measure. I am surrounded by an amazing community of families, heaps and heaps of love, my four precious children, and a deeply compassionate husband who strives each day to lighten my heart.

I am grateful for all of these things and am grateful to be in this situation of learning and growth. God is with me. He loves me and is teaching me beautiful lessons.

p.s. I am hatching up some big 40th birthday celebrations!

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sprain, sprain, go away, don’t come another day

Apr 16, 2014 by tracy

Hmmm. Nine weeks ago today a young boy on a hippity-hop ball landed on my right foot which moved twelve bones way out of place and stretched the ligaments to Kalamazoo. The next morning all the bones were put back into place and we started the healing process.

It should have taken a few days or a week.

But here we are. 63 days later and I am still taped up. Still in pain. Still unable to walk very far or stay up on it for very long.

It is beyond discouraging.

I had a disappointing appointment with Jeremy this morning when he found the talus shifted all skeewampus again. AGAIN it is shifted out of place. I begged for any answers, ANYTHING I can do to help my foot heal so we can get back to work on my hip.

And the answers are depressing: an MRI to check for torn ligaments, Prolozone injections, and time. The MRI isn’t really a possibility and wouldn’t help heal my foot, only provide information. I can’t do the Prolozone because of my allergy to local anesthetics which are used in the injections, and time sounds so incredibly long. I have exercised great restraint with this foot injury and have tried my darndest to protect it, rest it, nourish it, and give it the time it needs to heal. I have kept a pretty positive attitude and sent lots of love and patience to my foot. I have tried so, so hard.

And it isn’t enough.

More time is needed. More patience. More love. More waiting on the Lord. More nutrients. I don’t want to give it more time. I want my foot to be better so I can grow some muscles in the rest of me. I want to be stop hurting. I want to stop being taped and wearing special shoes. I want to be able to stand without pain coursing up my leg. I want to heal.

I want, I want, I want. Man, I sound like a broken record.

Some little piles of tears have been shed today. And I can feel more need to come out, but it is so hard for me to let them. I think they need to pour out of me into a giant waterfall of sadness and despair so I can let it all go and get back to a mindset of hope and healing.

Will you please pray for this foot? Pray for the ligaments to hold the bones in place. Pray for the muscles to relax. Pray for me to have the will to keep walking the road of healing with hope, faith, and trust.

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play, puppies, prom, and hmmm, i can’t think of another p word

Apr 11, 2014 by tracy

Disclaimer: I’m sorry my posting has been so erratic lately. Between my family’s needs and wants and my own body’s needs, posting keeps falling by the wayside. I find when I do take the time to post I dump out an entire novel and this post is certainly novel length…at least in blog land. I finally uploaded some pics and now after months of no photos whatsoever, you get to be hammered by a gazillion.

Spring is in the air which means sunshine, wind, and lots and lots of activities! In the past two weeks, we have had our big night at the temple, Homeschool Prom for Blythe, a week of rehearsals for two different plays, a week of performances for Blythe’s play with ACTivate and the Youth Symphony, colloquia, puppies born, music lessons, FHE with our friends who just returned from a humanitarian trip to Ecuador, board meetings for iFamily with elections coming up on Monday, all the usual stuff that normally fills our lives, and not much sleep at all. Thank goodness I have found my camera, my memory card, and my memory card reader so that I have been able to both snap photos and upload them of all our fun.

Whew! We made it. I almost passed out on Monday at board meeting so I forced myself to be very, very conservative this week with all the performances and stay put in my chair. I did not vacuum or sweep or sell concessions or do any of the things I normally do. I limited myself to one hour of being upright at a time and two hours a day total and I stayed true to those guidelines except on Friday when I went over a bit, but I was still good about taking care of myself. Big pat on the back for me – I did not want any of this exciting week for Blythe to be dampened by a passing out episode and my carefulness paid off. The best part is today I can still walk, so YIPPEE! If I can keep this up for another week, I should be back to exercising at my next appointment!

The puppies…oh, my they are so precious. The children adore them and spend time every day toting them around and loving on them. They squeak nearly 24 hours a day and none of us are getting very good sleep with all the noise, especially Keziah who has set up Sadie and her seven pups in a wading pool in her room.

They were born the night of April 2 and morning of April 3 over a period of about eight hours. Sadie will NOT give birth without Keziah sitting right by her, so it was a long night of dog doulaing for my girlie. There are four tan puppies, two chocolate, and one black. Please excuse the blurriness, trying to get a puppy to hold still is difficult, trying to get a child holding a puppy to hold still is nearly impossible!

Here is Blythe in her Prom attire. My sister, Mikelle, was here and helped Blythe turn her naturally curly hair into lovely ringlets that would stay put all night. Blythe and over 100 of her friends had a fabulous time dancing the night away.

I wasn’t able to get any pictures of Blythe during the play…no flash photography allowed and pictures in a dark theater don’t turn out. Here is a super silly one of Blythe with her stage make-up and costume and her crazy sister.

Character shot.

Both the character shots and headshots were on display in the lobby for guests to look at as they entered the theater – that way they could see what each actor really looks like and compare that to the character shot. Here is her headshot. I think it is my all-time favorite picture of her.

Crazy cast photo…man I LOVE these youth!

Last night we had the big end-of-the-year Youth Symphony performance. It was amazing! Three of the pieces were from Tchaikovsky and I fell in love the the March Slave – what a soul-stirring piece! They also played the Violin Concerto in D with an amazing violin soloist and the 1812 Overture with real cannons firing. The harp solo was light and magical – it almost made me want to become a harpist!

You can see Blythe warming-up in front of the big drum in the back. She still has her hairdo from the play she performed in a couple hours previous.

The whole Youth Symphony! Lots of musicians squished onto the stage.

In the midst of all the activities for the big girls, I try to keep life for my littles as calm as possible. They generally spend their mornings with me doing learning time. Fisher has set a goal to finish one entire math book during the month of April, so we are spending lots of time working together so he can accomplish his goal and earn a radio-control rat he has had his eyes on for months. Annesley is learning how to read and it is so much fun! Her words she has learned so far are me, meet, I, am, Sam, Mat, Ann, Nan, Mit, in, on, at, sat, sit, the, is, this, that, cat, hat, and mat. She has started noticing these words all over the place and is one happy little sounding out girl. They have been having fun with Annesley’s birthday puzzle.

Our recent 10″ snowstorm dumped gobs of snow in one night, but by the next day it was almost all melted away. They built these snowmen before all the snow disappeared.

Now it is time to get ready for Passover and then gear up for another week of Blythe’s play at the end of the month, the end of WUBA for the year, Keziah’s play in four short weeks, and my 40th birthday.

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