blog
the answer came
I love my Blythe so much.
So, so much.
But sometimes I forget how much.
Sometimes I treat her like my enemy.
Sometimes I want to give up on being her mama.
Sometimes I want to run away and scream and cry and rage because I cannot figure out how to show her I love her and treat her like I love her and be with her like I love her.
Sometimes I want to cry.
And sometimes I do.
Today at church I cried while I partook of the Sacrament. I poured my heart out to God and asked Him to please help me mother her. To please help me remember how much I love her. To please help me treat her like I love her. To please help me see her as He sees her.
Please, I pleaded. Please.
Then tonight I was working on my genealogy like I normally do on Sunday nights and was playing one of my favorite CD’s, Women of Destiny Volume 2 (Volume 1 is also fabulous) and a song came on that I have probably heard one hundred times.
But tonight I listened. Tonight it reached into my soul and said “This is your answer. This is how I will help you to treat her like you love her.”
And I cried some more.
It shouldn’t be this hard to treat another human being, especially my own daughter, as a child of God. And yet, it is. It is nearly impossible for me to stay in a place of love with her.
But tonight God spoke to me and told me to listen to this song. So I am going to pay attention.
I think I will listen every day.
Some Other Time
By Tyler Castleton
Do you remember when you used to hold her?
How nothing seemed to matter when you held her in your arms?
The memory is fading in the rush of here and now.
It all gets lost somehow.Do you remember just how much you love her?
How you could hardly bear to see her all alone?
The silent bedtime stories and forgotten nursery rhymes.
Moments you’re sure you’ll find, some other time.Every chance to love her you save for other days.
The promises you make a child will never go away.You watch her slowly growing older.
You see her taking footsteps you thought were years away.
And every day you’re farther from what really matters most.
When all you’ll ever need is little arms to hold you close.Will you learn what love’s about?
Can you still remember now?
You will find this truth somehow.Some other time is now.
I have such a short time left with her in my home. I must remember how much I love her and what a gift she is to my life. I must treat her as the precious child of God she is. I want to see her as God sees her and help her see that divine creation as well.
Thank you Heavenly Father for answering my heartfelt prayer and giving me a custom-designed answer. It is just what I needed.
here come the bugs
I have two avid bug collectors in my home. They crack me up.
Here are some comments from today.
Annesley: Oh MY goodness! Signs of bugs! (I totally thought she was going to say “signs of spring,” but I was wrong.
Me: Hmmm, what do you have? (Seeing a whole pile of bugs in her hand right above my head.)
Annesley: Look, mom! Look! I have found bugs! Look at my worms and my big, fat slug! Ahhh, I am SO happy it is bug time again!
Me: Yes, that is exciting.
Then she put her cheek next to the bugs and sighs the way you would over a new baby.
She runs back outside to find more bugs…thirty minutes later she and Fisher are back with more bugs to show me.
Fisher: We are the only ones that love bugs. We are the only ones who find bugs. The rest of our family don’t really like bugs. Look at our giant pile of worms!
Annesley: Mom! Do you see our bugs? I am so excited to find bugs. I love my little wormies. Do you want to see my big, fat slug? Here it is! Look!
It seems the days of having my little ones inside with me for the winter are about to be over. We are back to exploring nature, digging in the dirt, playing in the mud, and housing hundreds of bugs in jars all over the house.
Welcome spring.
p.s. If you or your children like watching nature films, this one is really good. Annesley can’t stop talking about it after she watched it in her Where The Wild Things Are class at iFamily on Wednesday.
i don’t know
Yesterday was a really good hip day. I was not in any significant amount of pain all day long AND I didn’t go and do anything crazy even though I was feeling good. I was smart (which is oh, so very hard for me!) and stayed focused on healing.
But all that focus on healing had me thinking about the past year an awful lot and I had some epiphanies. I haven’t wanted to talk about my hip for the last few weeks. People ask me how it is and I keep responding with “Can we talk about something else?” I haven’t really known why I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t. Well, I think I have figured it out. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say it is doing better when just a few minutes later I could be moaning (or screaming) in pain. I don’t want to say it is doing worse because I could have a great hour right around the corner. I don’t want to make any predictions because the reality is I DON’T KNOW. I don’t have a clue what is in store for me and this hip. I have good moments, bad moments, and horribly-excruciating-I-think-I-am-going-to-die moments. It is a twisty, curvy, up-and-down, roller coaster and changes so many times throughout the day that I just don’t know what to expect at any specific moment. I don’t know the answers to the questions that everyone keeps asking and I don’t want to say or indicate or let someone believe something that isn’t true, so I don’t want to talk about it. Does that make sense?
Another epiphany I had yesterday is that I AM improving. It is just at such a slow rate of progress that it is really difficult to quantify or even notice because it is not at a steady rate or incline. I remember back in September how much pain I was in after standing for a short period of time. I remember in October trying to run (ha-ha, more like a slow trot) around the circle of Duck, Duck, Goose and how I ached for hours afterwards. I am healing. My nerves are going into freak-out mode a lot lately, but they are also in calm-mode a lot. They are going in and out of each mode quickly and maybe that is a sign of improvement? They aren’t staying in freak-out mode and that seems to be a good thing (but again, I don’t really know anything, ha-ha).
A third epiphany I had is I need to figure out a way to burn some calories and strengthen muscles in a way that won’t hurt my hip. Yesterday a friend told me she has gone down two pant sizes and how much she was hating having to spend money on new clothes. I thought, boy howdy, I have gone up two pant sizes and I am REALLY hating spending money on larger new clothes. It wouldn’t bother me a bit to have to spend money on smaller clothes! The past year of so much inactivity has harmed me in lots of ways – cardiovascularly, muscularly, and certainly size-wise. This needs to change, but I don’t know how to change it.
Again, I don’t know.
Do you have any idea how much I dislike not knowing things? It drives me crazy.
With these warmer days, I want to be out riding my bike. I wonder what that would do to my hip. I have read on a few sites that people with hip injuries should avoid recumbent bikes. I have read on other sites that they are fine. Again, I don’t know what the truth is. I kind of want to try it today and see what happens, but I am scared to mess my hip up further. Hmmm.
Thoughts from the peanut gallery?
thankful thursdays 3/14
So, today is Pi Day, always a favorite occasion at our house as I am pretty big into all thing number-y. Yesterday we had a full blown Pi Day at my Math Alive! class. Today we found circles eeevvvvvvverywhere, talked about Pi, had pizza for dinner, and figured out the circumference of our pizza. 51.81 inches, if you are wondering.
My blogging time is so short these days. I have much I want to say and much I want to share, but the time to do so is quite limited. I am being pulled in many areas and almost all of them are more important than my blog. Or maybe my blog just isn’t as pressing as the other matters?
But today, I need to write a Thankful Thursdays post. It has been a few weeks since I have jotted down my weekly gratitudes and I don’t want another week to pass without me taking time to slow down and be in a place of gratitude.
- I am thankful for holy places.
- I am thankful for the knowledge that I am a spiritual being.
- I am thankful my energetic students at iFamily. I LOVE teaching children and exploring new ways of thinking with them!
- Avocados were on sale this week for .68, so I bought five. Oh, how I love avocados. Especially in a big, green salad with red peppers.
- Kat’s birthday is this week. I love that girl.
- I am so grateful for the scriptures. Reading the stories of God’s dealings with His children give me hope, courage, and peace.
- I am grateful for the privilege of doing my family history. I am grateful God loves me enough to ask me to do hard things.
- I am grateful for the sunshine this week.
- I am grateful for Passover. This ancient festival brings us so much joy.
- Stefanie left her soup here after the Seder last week and I was able to enjoy it for Sunday AND Monday. What a delicious surprise that was!
- I am grateful for the story of Les Mis. I love the book and now I love the movie and the soundtrack and listening to the songs being belted out by my girls. We have pretty much listened to the music non-stop for the past week.
- I am grateful for my hip. I am grateful for the pain and the compassion it is teaching me. I am grateful for my body that communicates with me and is being patient with me.
- I am grateful for grapes. I ate a handful of them today and they were delicious!
- I bought some spelt this week on a fabulous co-op deal (thanks Nicolett!) and can’t wait to try Jessica’s waffles.
- I am in a I-hate-daylight-savings-time mood, but today I did enjoy the sunshine at 6:42 and was grateful to see a beautiful sunset as I came out of the temple.
- I am grateful for all the giggles and dances and stories and imagination and smiles and hugs and rubs that is Annesley. She brings me so much joy and I am so thankful God sent her to me.
Thursdays are lovely days here. We start out with two hours of music lessons in the morning, then have a relaxing school day full of discoveries and with none of the pressure of getting ready for iFamily classes or starting the week off right. I usually have time to catch up on laundry and dishes and our dinner together in the evening is one of my favorite times of the week. It just feels more relaxed – there is no rushed clean-up for Family Home Evening, the girls don’t have to rush out the door to Mutual, and I am not all wiped out like I am on Fridays after gym. I love Thursdays. And today was a wonderful one.
book bonanza: bear feels sick
We love the entire Karma Wilson line-up of books, especially the Bear books. Today we read Bear Feels Sick for the first time and thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing. Karma writes in a wonderful, rhyming cadence that has children shouting out the last word of each line as soon as they figure out the rhyming pattern. In Bear Feels Sick, the story of Bear and his friends continues, this time with all of his forest playmates taking care of him while he has the sniffles and chills. They gather herbs, stoke the fire, wrap him up, and pat him down. Finally Bear feels better and is ready to play, but wouldn’t you know it, his faithful nurses start sneezing and now it is his turn to nurse them back to health. If you haven’t already read Bear Snores On and Bear Feels Scared make sure you check them all out as the whole set of books is adorable.
Other Karma Wilson favorites are A Frog In The Bog and Mortimer’s First Garden.
those goals of mine
Well, I bombed on the goals last week.
Maybe not completely bombed – I did make my bed every single day. I did a few three-second pushups during the week, but nowhere near ten a day. I didn’t even crack open The Jew and The Lotus. I didn’t do anything on my Word Study on Promise. So, pretty much bombed. But remember, I did get lots of other stuff done and held a successful Passover Seder, so I am still giving myself kudos.
I am determined to keep trying to improve in four areas each week. I may need to develop some other strategy to create success rather than just posting my goals and my weekly failures here, but for now I am going to post them again and psyche myself up to do them.
Physical: Sleep with my poultice every single night.
Spiritual: Word Study on Promise.
Academic: Read ten chapters of The Jew and The Lotus.
Random: Be kind and cheerful to Blythe while we look/shop/possibly sew???? a prom dress this week.
I can do this right? I can spend time doing things that are important to me. I can choose to take time to be holy. I can choose to love. I can choose to take care of my body. I can.
I’ll be back here next Monday to let you know how I did.
recap
Whew!
We made it through this very full week – and not only barely hanging on with our fingernails, I think we did it with glory!
Sunday we traveled to Logan to attend Miss Oaklyn Noel’s baby blessing. It was a wonderful day with family, friends, and yummy food, and thanks to Richard’s driving the rest of us were able to get a nap in.
Monday we cleaned the carpets, got Keziah to an extra ballet class, had a great visit with our friends, Rachael and Ryan, who brought us yummy cake, read some of Freckles, and made it to bed at a somewhat decent hour.
Tuesday we learned and cleaned and prepared for the days ahead AND had a huge breakthrough with parenting one of our children – can’t really share it, but it took up an enormous amount of energy that day and could have ended very badly, but through a lot of patience and talking and listening and crying we worked it out. That night we celebrated Richard’s birthday with Lemon Meringue Pie – his favorite, and then after presents and snuggles with the kids, I kidnapped him and took him to the 9:40 showing of Les Mis at the $2.50 theater. Five buck date = perfect. It made for a very late night (morning?), but was completely worth being alone with my sweetie for hours watching one of the greatest stories ever told.
Wednesday we taught and took our classes at iFamily, headed up the cleaning of the building, got a car full of girls to ballet, and crashed into bed that night at 7:20 to give my hip some rest.
Thursday we did more learning and cleaning and preparing, all while I conducted Homeschool Swim Camp registration and put together a huge book order with Bluestocking Press. We also attended Pack Meeting for Fisher, Relief Society for me, and ballet for Blythe.
Friday we made it through gym, a matinee performance of Swan Lake, an evening performance of Swan Lake (thanks Jen!), and then Fisher, Annes, and I spent the evening reading stories of knights and adventure.
Saturday was full on Seder preparation. Setting the table takes a full day and while the table was lovely, not everything else got done. But I kept my head about me and didn’t freak out and everything turned out just fine. We had a wonderful evening with my students and friends sharing the beauty of Passover.
Sunday was glorious. I attended all of my church meetings for the first time since January 6. I loved every minute of it. I have so missed partaking of the Sacrament, participating in Gospel Doctrine (Sunday School) and Relief Society (women’s organization) and the fellowship of my ward (local congregation) members. I have been going to meetings for a few weeks, but haven’t made it all the way through till today, so yippee! Banner day for me. The speaker in Sacrament Meeting spoke of faith with such power, I stood in the back crying and basking in the Spirit. I want to be her friend – and I told her so later in the day – I hope she doesn’t think I am crazy! I think we will need to invite them over for dinner or something. We all got a lovely nap in during the afternoon, did some genealogy, and now it is time for reading and scripture time with my family. I love Sundays!
My hip freaked out on Wednesday and again on Sunday, but other than that it held up really well this week, which enabled me to get through the huge list of stuff we needed to get done.
Hallelujah!
freckles – a new read aloud
I have been wanting to read Freckles as a family for many years, so on Sunday night when I asked for suggestions from everyone on what our next read-aloud should be and Kez shouted out Freckles, I jumped at the chance.
It is so lovely. We are only a few chapters into it, but I am already in love. Gene Stratton-Porter is a wonderful author who paints vivid pictures of human nature, good vs. evil, the natural world – especially the forests and swamps of Indiana, courage to do hard things, and family life. I love her books because they make me think and consider my own choices ever more carefully.
Our last read-aloud, a forgotten classic by Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Land of The Blue Flower, should be on everyone’s shelf. I can’t wait to buy a used copy of the beautifully illustrated version by Judith A. Griffith to put in my family’s library. I want to read it to my children again and again. The king is so wise and his lesson of teaching people to tend a plant with its resultant action of healing their angry hearts is one I need to plant deep in my soul.
I never have a plan in place for read-alouds. I hardly ever know what the next book on our list is going to be. I prefer to be open to inspiration and to jump on opportunities as they arise. God keeps leading me to the next book our family needs to read together and I keep learning to trust His quiet whisperings.
Our read-alouds have really suffered over the past year, not in terms of quality, but in terms of getting through a lot of books. We used to read about a book a month, or sometimes two months if it was overly long. Since my hip injury and even more now with ballet three nights a week, we are reading in slllllloooowww motion. Since last February we have only read The Last Battle, Summer of the Monkeys, The Hobbit, Mama’s Bank Account, and The Land of The Blue Flower. But we are still doing it – still enjoying our reading time and still learning from these great stories – and that is what is really important.
What is your current read-aloud? Or are you still trying to figure out how to make it work for your family?
purim
Last week was Purim, which is a Jewish Festival celebrating the story of Esther. Ever since we first read All-Of-A-Kind Family about ten years ago we have wanted to celebrate Purim. But, we have never done it. I have never felt like we had anyone else to do it with, which, now that we have done it, I realize is not important, but it sure seemed important at the time. It seemed like we needed others to know what we are doing and it to be a community event just like it is in All-Of-A-Kind Family.
But it doesn’t need to be. We brought Purim gifts to four neighbor families and only one of them had any idea what we were doing. They all loved it and it was a wonderful opportunity for us to explain our love for Jewish stuff.
We made Hamantaschen cookies. I handed Keziah the recipe during afternoon project time and she made the dough all by herself. I have no idea if she did it right or not, but one of our recipients loved them enough to ask for the recipe so they must have turned out somewhat okay. Unfortunately I didn’t even get to try one! After the dough had chilled for several hours we started rolling it out and cutting out the circles. Annes and Fisher were pretty much experts at this task. Then fruit preserves into the center, fold up the circles into triangles, transfer cookies to a greased cookie sheet and bake.
If you are wondering if I felt like death warmed over, yes, I was in a lot of pain that day…and it shows in this pic.
The cookies I folded up ended up looking a bit lot homeless, but Blythe’s were beautiful. I don’t know how that girl does it, but she creates beauty wherever she goes. Look at mine.
Look at hers. Pretty amazing, eh? She is such an artist.
Part of Purim is dressing up and Annesley was all over that idea. How do you like her outfit?
There are four mitzvahs to observing Purim. This year we did all four (except the first one – we only listened to the entire Book of Esther once) and are super proud of ourselves.
1. Hear the Megillah! Listen or read the entire Book of Esther two times, once at night and once in the day. You must hear or read every single word and make noise whenever Haman’s name is said.
2. Give Gifts of Food! Purim is a day we show extra special friendship to our friends. Send your friends gifts of food that include at least two different types of food ready-to-eat foods. For example: fruits and candies; cookies and a bottle of juice; etc. We gave Hamantashen and Sparkling Cider.
3. Give Tzedakah (Charity)! Give some money to two poor people (or more), or put at least two coins in your favorite charity box. We rolled up dollar bills and took them to two different families. I don’t think our Tzedakah did much for their bottom lines, but it was fun to surprise them with a little gift.
4. Eat and Rejoice! Participate in a festive meal on Purim afternoon. Sit together with your family and friends, sing Jewish songs, tell the story of Purim, and be merry! Our meal wasn’t as merry as it could have been and we didn’t invite friends over, but we still had a good time making noise makers, listening to the ten chapters of the Book of Esther, and drinking our Sparkling Cider.
Even though I was hurting a lot that night, I am so glad we celebrated our first Purim. We were also Purimed (surely that must be a word?) by one of my Sheva & Shalom students. Thanks Sheri! It was super fun!
Hamantaschen
- 2 sticks butter
- 1 1/2 cups sugar
- 1/2 cup orange or pineapple juice
- 1/4 tsp. baking soda
- 1 TB. oil
- 4 large eggs
- 2 tsp. baking powder
- 5 1/2 C. flour
- Fruit preserves. You can also use Nutella.
Mix butter and sugar. Cream well. Add remaining ingredients and mix well. Divide the dough into three sections and chill several hours or overnight. Roll out to 1/8 inch thick and cut with a 3-inch round cookie cutter or drinking glass. Place a teaspoon of filling each circle and fold over the edges to create a triangle shape. Place on a greased cookie sheet and bake for about 15 minutes (until golden) at 350 degrees. You can brush the cookies with egg before baking, if desired. They will come out browner if you do.
What did I learn from Purim?
- Festivals, special days, or celebrations of any kind are so fun for my little children and I need remember that it is worth the work it takes to create this magic in their lives.
- Esther walked forward with faith without knowing the end result. She had no promise of safety or success in her endeavor. So it is often with us and especially with me and my hip…remember Esther!
- Inviting friends into our traditions is met with gratitude.
- Esther learned the culture of the kingdom and used those customs to find favor with the King. She did not force her ways onto the palace.
- Esther fasted and invited others to join her. I need to remember the power of fasting to strengthen my spirit and my reliance on my Savior.
Happy Purim!
and the race is on
Boy howdy, this is going to be a busy week chock-full of meetings, commitments, extra ballet, lots of preparation for a Passover Seder on Saturday. And I am full of big plans to go along with it. Remember those 4 goals of the week we started back in January? Well, that plan was quickly derailed when I started having seizures and passing out. Now that my life is starting to be more functional again, I am going to get back on my goal bandwagon again.
Physical: Ten 3-second push-ups every day.
Spiritual: Word Study on Promise throughout the scriptures.
Academic: Read 5 Chapters of The Jew and the Lotus
Random: Make my bed every day.
So far today I have made my bed. And I am starting Morning Devotional on time…not a stated goal this week, but a never-ending goal it seems! The rest of the week is going to have to run without a lot of snaggles if we are going to pull it all off. Last night we moved the furniture out of the family room so we can build the Passover Table. I need to have a power packed Learning Time with my children, then prepare for iFamily classes and clean my carpets this afternoon. Tomorrow I have an iFamily board meeting, Wednesday is iFamily, Thursday is Swim Camp registration, Passover set-up, and Pack Meeting, Friday is gym and any left-over Passover set-up, Saturday is a Mentoring Class in the morning and our Seder that evening. We have ballet this week on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, so my girls will be gone a lot. Somehow before our board meeting tomorrow I need to create a scholarship application for iFamily. On top of all of this, my sweetie’s birthday is tomorrow and I need to figure out some special way to celebrate his existence on the planet. Whew.
See what I mean? I am so glad every week isn’t like this.
I knew it was going to be a busy week before the Seder got added in a few days ago. I am teaching a Jewish Festivals class for adults at iFamily and I promised my students I would host a Seder for them so they will know how to hold one in their own families. I was picturing it happening very close to the same time as our family’s Seder on Passover, which is March 25 this year, but they all voted to have it early so they have time to prepare for their own. It is all worth it. It is going to be wonderful and I am excited to share this special feast with my students, but right now, I don’t see how I can get from here to there in the next five days.
With God all things are possible, right?
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
