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i should’ve bought stock in puffs plus

Sep 21, 2014 by tracy

Yes, it has been a week since I last took the time to write. Goodness gracious, this has been a bat crazy week. I went into it having not slept a wink for days. My bad dreams and the fear of having them has kept me tossing and turning for weeks now and last weekend really did me in in the no sleep department.

I have been having hair woes for a few weeks. My last haircut was back in June and my locks desperately needed some attention. My sister decided she would come to my rescue and come to visit me on Tuesday-Friday. Hallelujah! But also, CRAP. Where to put her? Which of my children’s rooms could possibly work for her and her two little ones who are busy, active toddlers? We have completely moved out of those stages and my children’s rooms are full of their creations, projects, pets, and who knows what else. There isn’t really a good place to put a mama with two little ones in my house.

My sister also brought my mom – WAHOO! But again, where on earth shall I put her to sleep? She recently had knee surgery after slipping on a log on our camping trip. She broke her tibia and tore a dime sized piece of meniscus. I knew she would need to be on the main floor and the only beds there are mine and Blythe’s. Blythe’s wasn’t an option as it is too high off the ground AND it is currently in a state of disaster. So I decided she would have to sleep in my bed with me.

Sunday night my cousin Tami decided to come and visit. I think she was worried about me and my ridiculous lack of sleep and thought she would come show me some love. Which is super lovely. But also, where would I put her? And how would I find any time to see her when my current homeschooling schedule is pretty jam-packed?

All these visitors and challenges of sleeping arrangements were a tad stressful and I had to quickly figure out some solutions. I tried my best, but in the end Mikelle’s accommodations in the sewing room were FAR less than desirable and she didn’t get much sleep while she was here. My mom didn’t go for the idea of sleeping with me and ended up sleeping on the couch. And poor Tami stayed here one night and then left to find better accommodations at Kat’s.

I ended up abandoning my schedule almost completely and spending some much needed time with all of them. I wasn’t as prepared as I normally am for Worldviews and my children didn’t have their normal homeschooling days, but we got lots of haircuts done, ate delicious food, and had some good chats.

And then I got sick. Sicker than I have been in a long, long time. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I have been sick since the gnomes visited my intestinal tract back in 2011. This sick started with allergy like symptoms and I thought that was what it was. But when I laid down Wednesday night, my lymph glands swelled to enormous sizes, my ears and head started throbbing, and my lungs filled up with fluid. I have now been in bed coughing for four days straight and SO ready to move on. The mucous coming out of me makes me gag and my nose is full of ugly, painful fever blisters that make me look like I have a pig’s snout.

Yes, this is a picture of me in my current state of pig snoutishness. It is awful and I am more than a bit mortified to share it with you.

I currently have a small mountain of tissues (Puffs Plus, of course. They are the ONLY tissues worth anything.) on my bed and a throw up bowl nearby to spit out the mucous that keeps shooting up from my lungs. Gross, I know.

Oh my. What I wouldn’t give to wave a magic wand and make this all go away.

Thursday was my little boy’s tenth birthday. I was not even functioning that day. I am so grateful Mikelle and my mom were here to take him to the lake and give him some lovin’ because I was out of completely out of commission. Trying to raise my head felt like heaving bowling ball in the air with fishing line and just the simple act of breathing became a task laden with serious effort. I am so, so sad to have not been able to celebrate with him and make it a special day. When I am feeling better, the two of us need to go on a belated birthday date.

I think the lack of sleep, the deep emotional pain I am in right now with these dreams, and the sadness I have been feeling over the car accident ten years ago, all contributed to my body’s takeover by bacteria. This is some nasty stuff and I hope Mikelle, her kiddos, my mom, and Tami don’t get it.

who knew the hammock was the answer?

Sep 14, 2014 by tracy

Late in the afternoon, I looked at my trees and I looked at my yard and I looked at my Annesley who was busy entertaining herself by trying on every fancy dress-up in the house and twirling around, and I said “Do you want to meet me in the hammock for some snuggle time?”

Her eyes lit up and she stripped out of her layers of taffeta and rushed outside to the hammock. I grabbed Blueberries For Sal and went out for my very first hammock swing in our yard.

We snuggled for awhile, then Rosie-Tigris, Annes’ kitten, joined us for more snuggles. We read all about Little Sal and Little Bear getting lost on Blueberry Hill while their mothers were picking blueberries. I talked to her about Aidan and his soon-to-be-occurring death. She asked me all about the car accident and if I was in an accident when she was in my uterus. We snuggled and laughed and kissed and connected. Connection was exactly what we both needed. After a long while, I asked her to go get some hummus and pitas for a hammock picnic.

Yesterday was a hard day. I spent much of it crying and not accomplishing much from my very long to-do list. But the magic of a hammock turned it around. Rubbing my little one’s back while her cheek rested on my shoulder filled my aching heart up with just the right amount of love.

And filled her up too.

Connection, it makes all the difference.

ten years later

Sep 13, 2014 by tracy

Ten years ago today I took Blythe and Keziah to their Kindermusik class. It was a lovely September afternoon, just like this one. My very round, 40 week pregnant belly was barely able to fit behind the wheel of our 1989 Suburban, a metal tank we loved dearly.

On the way home, an 80 year old man ran a stop sign and T-boned into me going about 50 mph. The hood of his car was smashed into the backseat of his little Honda Civic. My suburban was dented, but still drivable. It’s size and strength totally made the difference that day. Our girls were fine. The car hit right into me and I didn’t fare so well.

My already extremely loose pelvis was injured. We didn’t know what was wrong yet, but we knew I was in horrific pain. I couldn’t walk.

An OB visit revealed that the uterine ligaments were torn, my pelvis was a hot mess of shifted bones, and my baby was in good condition.

A few days later I gave birth to Fisher. I cannot describe the pain of that week. It is beyond words.

The pain of the next two years took my breath away and broke me down to tears over and over again. Slowly but surely, through chiropractic care, lots of patience, supplements, and exercise, I was able to get my life back. Eventually I could vacuum, sweep, walk up and down stairs, and ride my recumbent. Thinking I was doing pretty well, I closed the claim with the man’s insurance company and moved on with life.

But my pelvis never recovered. It has never been the same. Scar tissue. Pain. Dislocations. All of it became a normal part of life for me. But I could still function well. Do back handsprings. Ride my bike. Swim. Run. Jump on the trampoline. Play volleyball. Richard got really good at putting my hips back into place and it seemed like the pesky little things were totally livable.

But the damage to my pelvis came back to haunt me when my labrum tore in February 2012. As the months wore on and more and more injuries occurred and we started dealing with the adhesions from the car accident, I could feel my anger from the accident growing. “Why did that man run that stop sign?” “Why did he lie about it?” “Doesn’t he have any idea how he has changed my life forever?” “Why, oh why, did I close the case? I should have settled for piles of pennies to pay for all these medical bills that I should have known were coming!”

God has blessed me with a lot of emotional and spiritual healing during this whole journey. The anger is gone…at least mostly, there are days it still flares up, but my heart has stopped asking “why” and has accepted what is.

But today on this 10th anniversary of the car accident, I am filled with tears. I can’t stop crying. Parts of me are so, so grateful for the past ten years of learning, of pain, of blessings and parts of me are simply devastated for the path my life has taken. Devastated that my little children can’t even remember a mother who was capable of running with them in the yard or going on a bike ride with them. Devastated that so much of the past ten years has been spent taking care of me. Devastated that “I” cost so much to take care of. Devastated that that beautiful, beautiful sunshiny September day ended in an accident that has had such far-reaching consequences.

So, today I reached out to my friend Rachel whose son Aidan is dying. His spirit will leave this life today or tomorrow. I took her some food and went and held her in my arms as we both cried. I held Aidan’s hand for the last time and did my best to surround her with my love and the love of her Father.

I stopped at some little ones’ lemonade stand and gave them my nickels for a tinsy cup of lemonade and a bucketful of joy.

I stared out the window at the blue, blue sky and marveled at the gift of peace my trees give to me.

And I cried.

dreams

Sep 13, 2014 by tracy

Dreams are a strange thing. I don’t know how they are for other people, but for me they are vivid, soul-gripping events. I often have a hard time separating out what is real and what is not real when I wake up because my dreams feel completely real. Coming back to reality feels pretty jarring.

Throughout my years of adulthood I have had lots of what I call “bad dreams” where sad, bad, hard things happen. Things like murder, car chases, falling off cliffs, evil men breaking into my home in the middle of the night to rape our daughters, living with old boyfriends and having an unhappy marriage full of adultery, abuse, and poverty. In the early days of our marriage, I had dreams of Richard having affairs and in the morning I would wake up unable to sort out if it had really happened or not. He would hold me (if my fury at his alleged affair dissipated enough to allow him to hold me) and listen to the sordid tale and let me work it out in my mind till I came to the truth of the matter. Sometimes these dreams showed me what my life could have been like had I made different choices.

None of this happens every night, but it certainly happens often enough that it doesn’t surprise us. I roll over and say “I had a bad dream” and Richard wraps his arms around me and waits for me to share it. He listens and helps me process all the powerful emotions that pour out of me in the early morning hours.

Does everyone do this? Is this normal? I have no idea. I only know my dreams are intense, full-on-experiences in the movie theater of my mind.

Well, for the last few weeks, the dream experiences have become even worse. I’m not sure if the intensity is worse or the frequency or what, but I am starting to dread going to sleep. All of these dreams are revolving around one theme – rape, abuse, molestation. Of me.

And it hurts.

More than I can begin to describe.

I wake up in the morning feeling violated.

Angry.

More than angry, full on rage.

And at the same time, shriveled.

I was molested as a child by several different people. And though I cannot stand to have my hair stroked because one abuser did that to me, I think I have dealt with it pretty well.

And yet, these dreams aren’t going away. None of the dreams are like my own experiences in terms of setting, participants, or events, but the feeling of violation is identical, but also somehow, more pronounced.

Last night’s dreams was a doozy. I find myself wanting to wrap up in warm blankets and hide from the world as I let my body and spirit process these feelings of being trapped, completely misunderstood, and thoroughly violated by not only the man who was touching me, but also the police who investigated afterwards.

I can see the effects of these dreams on my face. The wrinkles are more pronounced, the bags under my eyes bigger. Tears spring to my eyes much more easily than they ever have before. I find myself crying as I look at a flower, a small child, an act of kindness. The beautiful moments of life are becoming much more precious to me.

This is hard. Really hard. I know these experiences aren’t real, but the feelings are and after each dream they need processed and released. I don’t know why they are coming. Are they a gift to help me heal from my own experiences or are they torturing me and serving no helpful purpose? I don’t know.

I only know I hurt and I cry and I am tired.

success

Sep 11, 2014 by tracy

We are settling into our new routines and it doesn’t seem quite as painful to get up at 6:00 in the morning as it did two weeks ago. Learning time has been going really well this week and my “life is terrible” child has made some attitude adjustments. Now I just need to figure out how to get all my study time in for my Worldviews class, find some time for long soaking sessions in the tub, get a haircut, find some time to get ready each day (I certainly don’t want to get up any earlier just to get ready!) and we will be set. I also made two yummy meals this week, brown butter spaghetti and Kat’s Lentil Tacos. Super duper amazing for me.

This new routine is not a minor adjustment, it is a monumental shift in the operations of our home. It is going to take some time for all of us to be really good at getting up and being cheerful, but we are doing it and I want to shout from the rooftops how proud I am of us. Especially my Keziah. She has had huge adjustments in the past few weeks. She walks out the door for seminary at 6:25 which means she has to get up (all on her own, cause I am sure not waking up to wake her up!) at 5:30. By the time scripture reading happens at 6:00, she is dressed cute as a button, has her hair done, and is participating in scripture reading better than she has for the past several years. On top of all of that, she has pretty massive amounts of schoolwork, violin practice, and either cross-country practice or a meet every day. She spent the entire summer babysitting for a family in our town and now moved right into a busy fall schedule with even more being expected of her. I couldn’t be more proud of how well she has stepped up to the plate – she is being kinder, more cheerful, and getting her long list of to-dos done every day. Her sassiness is becoming a bit less caustic and a bit more humorous. Hallelujah! Her love language is gifts so I am going to start looking for some small presents to surprise her with on those days she knocks our socks off with awesomeness.

So give us some high fives when you see us, we are actually making progress.

a workout buddy has joined my team

Sep 10, 2014 by tracy

My friend Sheri came over and exercised with me this morning – we did it! We made it through 20 minutes of balance, strengthening, and Elliptigo work. Boy howdy, is it hard. I am so proud of us!

It is also a tad hilarious how challenging these simple exercises are. I find myself bursting out with laughter at how ridiculously weak my body is, especially my hip and pelvic muscles. Anytime my hip is solely responsible for holding me upright, I fall over. My feet are really good at wearing superhero capes and holding me upright, but when we take them out of the picture, my hip cannot keep me balanced.

So, we are embarking on a journey. A journey of mind, will, and muscles. There is not a quick fix, no pill I can take to grow these muscles. It is going to be a slow and steady journey into the land of strength. Having a workout partner is motivating and shockingly enough, it was even fun to do it at 6:30 in the morning (three weeks ago I would have NEVER said anything at 6:30 could be fun!) We can do this!

Confession: During our post-workout drink time, I nearly killed Sheri with my parsley & pineapple smoothie. It is my sweetest one and I thought she would love it like I do, but no, she said it tasted like weeds. I hope she comes back tomorrow and I will try to make her something more palatable.

exercising, here i come!

Sep 9, 2014 by tracy

Yippee! Hallelujah! Hurrah! Wahoo! Huzzah! Whatever your favorite shout of exclamation, it is time to shout it now. Yesterday afternoon at therapy, I made it out to the gym! Yes! For the first time in months my body was ready to actually build muscles. I have been out of all splints, tapes, braces, boots, etc. for 9 days and joints are staying in place. Jeremy taught me all sorts of new exercises and hilariously enough, every time my body was dependent on just my right hip I lose my balance, fall off the ball, fall off the balance board, etc. It is so stinkin’ weak!

So, it is time for dedication my friends. This is the time I have been waiting for, praying for, pleading for, and it is now time to get to work to build some muscles. I am rededicating myself to the pelvic cones, drinking lots of water, taking all my supplements, doing my MELT work, and doing my new exercises for 20 minutes every day. This is going to be hard for me. Daily habits have never been easy for me, I am more in the camp of 18 hours of hard work then ignore it for five days. But that is not the approach my body needs – it needs a little bit of muscle building every single day.

Today is day one (another day one) on the Elliptigo, the ball, the balance pad, and with the cones. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

another monday has come and i am so not ready for it

Sep 8, 2014 by tracy

Is it Monday already? Wowsers, last week kicked my hiney and I need another day of sleep before I am ready for Monday.

But here it is. And I am going to put on my can-do attitude and tackle it.

Here are some little updates…

iFAMILY went really, really well. I loved teaching both my classes AND my body held up well all day. At one point a fellow mother told me I was exuding health. HEALTH! Wowsers, I haven’t heard that in a long, long time.

Gym went really, really well. I was careful and pretty smart and didn’t get hurt. There are lots of adorable kiddos coming to spend Fridays with me and we are going to have a blast. But it did me in…I came home and slept the sleep of the dead until about midnight.

Homeschooling isn’t going so hot right now. I have a child who is balking at pretty much everything and I mean everything, not just schooling, and my patience is worn thin. This little person has been in an “everything is awful” stage for several months and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. Yesterday Richard addressed this attitude issue with said child and I am hoping for improvement today. It is going to take some time to turn this around…and lots and lots of loving guidance from me.

Meals are improving. I actually cooked a delicious dinner one day last week. And I plan on cooking at least one delicious dinner this week, Tuesday is my goal. It might not sound like much, but it is a huge percentage increase in my cooking output.

Morning scripture study is working (at 6:00 a.m.!!!) at least in the sense that we are doing it and everyone is at least semi-conscious. The two little ones aren’t as conscious as I would like and they go back to sleep afterwards, but it is coming along. Our morning prayers together are the favorite part of my day. Everyone is more subdued and it feels like we are wrapped up in a blanket of peace before the big girls and Richard head out the door.

My body had a really hard time yesterday. I had early morning church meetings and a long day of church after that and I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t drink water and I didn’t eat enough and I didn’t get enough rest and I stood in the hallway for too long (my body does not like me to stand still, it drops my blood pressure and sends my heart into tachycardia). So I passed out. Again. In the middle of Relief Society and Richard had to come get me and haul my limp body out in a wheelchair. I hate it. I hate it ever so much. I don’t want to be unconscious. I don’t want to be a spectacle. I don’t want to cause fear or panic for other people when they see my body shaking and my face lose all its color. I don’t want to worry my children. I just want my body to be able to handle normal everyday activities like grocery shopping and attending church. I really want to be able to go hiking and ride my bike, but I am not asking it to do those things…just simple things like standing up for more than five minutes at a time and lifting groceries into my car.

Creating a new normal based on my body’s limited abilities to do what I want to do and my children’s needs at this time is the goal for this year and I am doing everything I can to stay focused on that and not get derailed by pictures in my head of what it could be like if I was the mom I used to be. We are still working on finding music teachers for this year, getting our schedules and routines a bit more solid, working out car sharing with Blythe, finishing the book decluttering/school room rearrangement project, and getting my study hours to be as productive as I need them to be, but we are making progress. We are only one week into this new routine and if I think about it with kindness in my heart, we have made a lot of progress. If I let my I-want-everything-to-be-perfect-right-now mind take over, I would slide into misery, but that mind was kicked to the curb a long time ago and I am not going to let it come back in and dampen our momentum.

It’s almost time to start our learning time, so I better run and get my morning protein smoothie into me so I don’t pass out like I did yesterday at church. Dysautonomia really stinks.

yes we can, yes we can, yes we can

Sep 4, 2014 by tracy

I love homeschooling. Absolutely love it. Believe in it. Preach it. Teach it. Live it.

But I don’t want to present only one side of the picture lest someone think homeschooling is all roses smelling of super cheerful children dying to learn every minute of the day. I have to be honest. And today that honesty is tiredness. Today has about done me in. We are almost done with our second week of early morning scripture study and day 3 of 6:15 scripture study. Man, it is early. Then today I added in the whole shebang, morning devotional, poem of the week, math, reading, history, phonics, Bible stories, puzzles, and don’t forget, the whole being in the same room with my children for hours at a time. Today it was just a bit much. I am ready for a nap and some ice cream and no noise of any kind for the next 12 hours. Of course, it doesn’t help that it is also the first day of my period and my back is aching something fierce.

The truth is the last two weeks have been very sleep deprived. Between late night outings, middle of the night Jessica rescues, two trips to Utah with middle of the night returns, many day long cleaning projects, and not being able to sleep well because of sore joints and muscles, I am tired. I need another month of rest before I dive into 15 hour days of teaching, loving, cooking, mentoring, cleaning, driving, and listening. I haven’t really been in full-time homeschooling mama mode for awhile due to my injuries and it is going to take some time for me to build up my homeschooling mama stamina again…like a Couch to 5K program, teehee. We have been easing into it with more reading and math time the past few weeks, adding in a little bit each day, but it still felt like a big jump in what was needed of me today.

Today is Keziah’s first cross-country meet of the year and it is an hour away. I decided around noon I just didn’t have it in me to drive clear out there, sit and watch for several hours, and drive back home. My cramps were too strong and my fatigue was too great. She said she didn’t mind in the slightest so I drove her to the bus, gave her a squeeze, and told her to run her heart out. It hurts my heart, but there is only so much energy I can muster in any 24 hour period and mine is already used up for today.

Tomorrow is another long day. It is the first day of my homeschool gymnastics classes and yes, I know I am crazy for even attempting it, and yes, my nearest and dearest (outside of Richard) have tried, endlessly mind you, to talk me out of it. I love teaching gym. It is part of who I am and I am not willing to say goodbye to that part of me. When I even think about it, the tears start pouring out of me. I figure if we have made it through gym the last 2 1/2 years with a very broken me, we can make it through this year with a much less broken me. I mean, let’s shout hallelujah, I have been brace, splint, walking boot, casting tape FREE since Sunday and I am still holding together and walking well. This is fabulous! It is time to build some muscles. Quite frankly, the thought excites and exhausts me all at the same time. Outside of the injuries, pain, expenses, and sheer frustration of a connective tissue disorder, the never-ending day-to-day burden is the tiredness. My body simply can’t do what it used to be able to do. At the end of each day it really feels like I have run a marathon – my muscles are exhausted from holding my joints in place, my nervous system is exhausted from sending thousands of messages about bones and ligaments and muscles being wonky, and it honestly feels like my brain is worn out by about noon of each day. Add in a few tachycardia events and my body is done.

So, let’s just say this first day of dedicated learning time was good, really good. And hard. And exhausting.

Hmmm, Annes is ready for me to read her some Mother Goose for her Humpty Dumpty’s Corner class at iFAMILY, so I better muster some strength and go snuggle up with her while we recite “Jack Be Nimble” a few more times. We can do this. We can do this. We can do this.

potw: baby chick

Sep 4, 2014 by tracy

As we move into the swing of things for our fall learning routine, I decided to start doing our Poem of the Week again with my little ones. I love the challenge of memory work and poems are such lovely ways to learn that I want to fill my children’s souls with hundreds of them. Some of them are silly, some of them are tender, some of them are full of character building thoughts. One of my children isn’t too keen on the idea of poetry, so we are going to be doing some animal ones for a bit to reel him back in to this fun tradition.

Baby Chick

by Aileen Fisher

Peck
peck
peck
on the warm brown egg.
OUT comes a neck.
OUT comes a leg.

How
does
a chick
who’s not been about,
discover the trick
of how to get out?

Pretty cute, eh? We found it in Eric Carle’s Animals, Animals, one of our favorite animal books.

first day

Sep 3, 2014 by tracy

Today is the first day of iFAMILY. We have had morning scripture study in the dark at 6:15. Whoa. This is a big change. The last week or so has been full of changes: revamping our mornings to have morning scripture study and prayer (and MUCH less sleep), revamping our nights with MUCH earlier bedtimes, Blythe’s new job started on Monday, Richard started back on his school schedule on Tuesday AND he is at a new school this year, Keziah starting seminary this morning, and now iFAMILY starts today.

We also have been switching up things in our home. We have been needing to reorganize our books and learning area and for months I have been pouring over classified ads for a used 5 x 5 Expedit. They are not made anymore and most of the used ones for sale are either in terrible shape or exorbitantly priced due to the whole supply and demand thing, so we have been searching all summer for one in good shape AND reasonably priced. Friday I scored and found one in near perfect condition for only $100. Wahoo! So Richard and I spent all day Monday traveling to Utah to pick it up and get it home in one piece, which let me tell you is far easier said than done. Let’s just say it is no longer in near perfect condition.

Yesterday the three youngest and I moved bookshelves, hundreds of books, and reworked our learning area to fit our needs for this year. We gained about 150″ of shelf space with the Expedit, then gained a whole lot more when I removed all the board books from our shelves to put away for safekeeping until I have grandchildren who will need them. Then we gained even more space when I purged several large stacks of books we don’t need or use. Right now I have over 100″ of shelf space left to work with in the school room, 45″ in the sewing room, and 48″ on the kitchen bookshelf. Over the next several weeks I am going to figure out how to best use this new space to meet our needs.

We were also able to move Fisher’s (ugly as heck, but totally useful) building table back into the school room (it has been in his hallway, blocking much of the entrance to his room and not been very usable). He needs a space to build while I am reading and having a table makes it so much easier and contained than him taking over the whole floor each day.

Anyway, back to iFAMILY. I am excited to get back into the swing of things and our children are over the moon excited to dive into learning with their friends. I am excited to take my Worldviews students on a journey of hard work and deep thoughts. I am excited to share all my math games with a new group of young people. This year is going to be fun and rewarding and full of great things.

BUT I AM NOT READY FOR SUMMER TO END.

I am not. I need a few more weeks (months?) of sunshine and relaxed schedules and my sweetie. I need early morning sunrises and warm afternoons. I need to go camping a few more times and see my little ones reel in a fish. I need to have snuggle time with Richard in the morning.

But it is time to move into fall with its shorter days, crisper nights, and a pretty tight schedule for all of us. Hmmm, how to wrap my heart around these changes and move forward with gladness instead of clinging to the joy of summer?

Clinging or not, it is time to shower and get ready for this long-awaited day.

belle

Aug 27, 2014 by tracy

I did something yesterday that felt like me…the old me that is getting harder for me to remember.

May came and went and it never came to my corner of Idaho. June and Jult came and went as well and the closest it ever got to me was 3 1/2 hours south. I tried desperately to figure out a way to see it in Salt Lake or Boise, but every possibility I came up with would not work out. Then we went camping and by the time we got back it was long gone from the few theaters it played in.

I looked up its DVD release date and found out it was August 26. I knew I wanted to see it on the big screen, but decided I would have to settle for watching it on my computer.

That lasted about one second. I couldn’t BEAR to watch it on the computer! So, I started calling all the theaters within an hour radius to ~~ask~~ beg them to rent me a theater. I found one that said they would do it for $250 +$3 admission. I decided I would go with that one and would have to get 100 people to attend and pay $6. Hmmm, seemed a bit challenging, but I was completely determined to make it happen. Then I found a theater that would charge me a $30 rental price and no admission if I did it this week. Huzzah!

Just one problem. Well, two actually. I didn’t actually own the movie yet since was being released that very day. And two, I needed to do it that very night, in just a few short hours, if I wanted Richard, Blythe, and Keziah to attend…which, of course, I did.

So, I got to work and called all over the place and luckily found the movie for sale. Then I started inviting basically everyone I knew. Richard went and picked up the movie and I called. emailed, and Facebooked everyone in the tri-state area.

And people started responding which made my heart sing. It can be scary to organize an event and take the risk of no one catching your vision and joining in.

Piles of joy, my friends. We had 54 people come and party with us with heaps of popcorn, a few tears, and lots and lots of hugs.

It felt good. Really good. I love bringing people together and making the world a better place. I used to do this kind of thing all the time, but have drastically scaled back since I was injured.

It’s nice to know the spontaneous, fun-loving party girl is still inside me somewhere.

Favorite lines? YES, so many of them.

What is right can never be impossible!

My greatest misfortune, would be to marry into a family that would carry me as their shame.

How can I be too high of rank to dine with the servants, but too low of rank to dine with my own family?

You are above reducing yourself for the sake of rank.

Laws that allow us to diminish the humanity of anybody are not laws.

You break every rule when it matters enough, papa. I am the evidence.

If you haven’t seen Belle, watch it…because oh my, it is so, so good. I loved it and so did everyone else at my party. Now available on DVD or instant download at Amazon and probably a bajillion other places.

morning is soooo early

Aug 26, 2014 by tracy

Mornings are not my thing. They have never been my thing. I thoroughly enjoy seeing the sun rise in all its splendor, but even that beauty along with the peace and quiet that comes in the early hours is not enough to make me get out of bed.

For years I have tried to get out of bed earlier. I have tried alarms, reward programs, punishment programs, positive self-talk, begged Richard to drag me out of bed, and lots of other approaches to get me up in the wee hours of the day, but none of it has worked.

On the flip side of all this is some challenging evening schedules. For the past several years, our older girls have been involved in activities in the evening and our family scripture reading and read-alouds have really suffered. They have both been gone on Tuesdays for mutual (youth program at church), Blythe has been gone on Wednesdays for ballet and Thursdays for symphony, she gets home both nights around 9:30. I don’t know for sure what her schedule is going to be this year, but I know our evenings need changed. My little ones need to go to bed earlier than they have been and we need to not squeeze scripture reading in around the edges of our lives.

So, we are making a new tradition…morning scripture reading. I know lots of people do this successfully and others do it not so successfully (kids are asleep or only a few verses are read in the midst of the mad-rush out the door), but even doing it not so successfully has seemed an absolute impossibility to us before now.

Sunday at Family Council we made a new plan to have family scripture reading at 6:25 in the morning before Keziah leaves for seminary at 6:45. She will need to be all ready for the day before that point and the rest of us will need to alert…not just conscious, but alert. I cannot bear to have scripture study with semi-comatose children (or self!) – it is too important to me to do it in a check-off-the-list manner and not an actual learn and grow manner.

So we started Monday morning easing in to our new plan. Seminary doesn’t start till the 3rd, so are giving ourselves some time to work into the 6:25 dealio. The last two days we have had a high-quality scripture reading at 7:15, huzzah!

I did yawn all day long yesterday and I was ready to crash at 9:00 p.m., but I made it through without a nap. This probably seems like no big deal to those of you who get up early all the time, but to me it is like climbing Mt. Everest. Seriously difficult stuff here.

grl 2014

Aug 25, 2014 by tracy

We have been home from our camping trip for over two weeks and I FINALLY got my pictures uploaded. I’d give you a list of excuses, like laundry and health and a very long to-do list, but really, I just haven’t done it before today.

This year I was able to be in my mountains for 16 glorious days. The first six days we only had my mom and three of my kiddos. It was so, so lovely to eat super simple meals, lay around camp, read, watch the children swim and kayak, and just. be. still. The weather was beautiful without a cloud in the sky on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Then on Tuesday it rained for 12 hours straight. We stayed in our tent all day long and played games, read books, and told stories of Grandma and Grandpa for the My Family project our Stake is doing right now.

Our home away from home.

Wednesday night my brother Scott arrived, Thursday my sweetie and Keziah showed up, Friday my sister Mikelle and her family joined us, along with my brother Stephen a bit later in the day.

After those first four days of perfect weather, we had rain. Lots of rain. Rain for days on end. Puddles and mud and raincoats and umbrellas were plentiful. As soon as the rain let up to drizzle mode, everyone would burst from our tents ready to play or fish or do ANYTHING but stay in the tent. There were non-raining moments and sometimes hours every day and we used those to kayak, fish, and warm-up by the fire, but it seemed every day had some rain (or hail!) packed into it.

I fell in the shower and dislocated my tibia a few days before we left, so I had to be super-duper careful the whole time. My whole knee was sore and the ligaments weren’t holding it in place well at all, so I spent most of my time lying in my chair or tent. I was able to kayak down the river three times – twice for five whole miles. Oh, the joy! I love kayaking and it was heavenly to get out on the water and actually move instead of lying around like a stuffed lobster.

Fisher spent most of his time fishing, searching for frogs and snakes, kayaking, and avoiding the camera. Here is one of the few photos I got of his whole face.

This is what usually happened the moment he noticed the camera pointing his way.

One day I had to go to town to register the children for their iFAMILY classes and brought back ice cream in a cooler for a fun camping treat. Since there is no way to keep it frozen, we had to eat 12 creamsicles and a box of ice cream in one sitting. Poor us, eh?

Since I was not able to do much of anything, Blythe took over my mom duties and took the kids on hikes and other adventures. While I was gone to town Blythe took the little ones on a short hike to the cave and big rock. Another day she took them both on a kayak trip to the other side of the lake – two miles across! I didn’t think they would make it, but they rocked it.

After the rainy days started, we woke up to crazy fog each morning. Mom liked to say we were “socked in.”

Umbrellas and rain boots were a staple.

Foot soaks to get the filthy feet clean were enjoyed every few days. I can take a lot of dirt, but even I have my limit and must insist on children’s feet being scrubbed clean before they can enter the tent.

We also had full bath days and several shampoo the hair days, but somehow I made it the entire two weeks without a single bath or hair washing. It felt really, really lovely to bathe all that dirt away when we got home.

We celebrated Blythe and Andie’s 18th birthdays with presents and fake pudding, raspberry cheesecake for Blythe and a fancy store-bought cake for Andie’s.

Blythe wasn’t too happy about turning 18.

Andie gave her a skirt from Nepal. Miss Andie is a world traveler and recently spent three weeks working in a school in Nepal with her mom.

Grandma gave her a set of Holy Tabbs, an awesome scripture marking program I can’t wait to implement in my own scriptures.

My mom has called her Sooger or Shooger Bunkin since the day she was born. It was her name even before she was named Blythe.

Blythe’s yummy, but totally fake raspberry cheesecake with 18 candles making an 18.

We had our favorite camping meal of fried potatoes, onions, peppers, and zucchini for her birthday dinner and then topped it off with some fish.

The two girls went on a kayak adventure on Andie’s birthday morn and I caught a pic of them as they came back to camp.

Then we had yummy cake.

We gave Andie a big bag of our homemade granola. She loves it and we try to make her some every time she comes to visit.

During the sunny moments, lots of fun was had at the lake.

Fish were caught and mostly released, but quite a few were brought back to camp to eat for dinner.

The girls went on a heart kick, wove flowers in their hair, and tried to make hearts out of their bodies.

This all fell apart into pure silliness.

Then they settled on a beach heart.

On our last day, we took the kiddos over to the lodge I lived in as a little girl with my grandparents. I told them all sorts of stories about their great-grandparents and the magical times we had together.

These are the steps my grandfather made…forty years later and they are still there!

This is the double-seater outhouse up on the hill that Camille and I always used when the lodge bathrooms were full or we were playing on the spaceship rocks.

The rock we used to run up and down. You knew you had “arrived” when you could do it without hands.

I spent a lot of time staring at Square Top this year. I was supposed to climb it to celebrate my 40th birthday, but my body is not able to do so. It has now been three years of camping without even being able to go on a small hike. A few times when I was left alone at camp, I sobbed tears of heartbreak that I wasn’t on top of my mountain. I was supposed to do hard things, see new vistas, and have an amazing girl adventure with all my bestest friends. I let the grief pour out of me and really mourn the direction my life has taken. It felt good to really, really cry. To really, really admit how hard and how sad this all is. I can see the blessings and I can put on a brave face, but I am sad, deep down to my little toes, so sad that I cannot climb my mountain or do so many other things I love.

Goodbye to my mountain for another year.

We ended up leaving about 9:00 pm on Saturday night so we could make it home for church on Sunday and as we pulled away, we finally got a full moon. Goodbye moon. My favorite moon.

all i want for cwissmuss

Aug 25, 2014 by tracy

Remember Miss Annes’ loose teeth back in July? Well, just a few days after this pic was taken, she lost three teeth and has had an adorable missing-two-front-teeth smile ever since.

She lost two on the top and one on the bottom. She has five more loose ones and we are hoping at least the bottom middle one falls out soon so her tooth that came in behind all the rest can get some room to straighten out.

First she lost her bottom one.

Then her top two.

There is no sign of any teeth coming in yet and it has been nearly two months! Who knows, she might be sporting this toothless grin for awhile.

making progress, ever so slow

Aug 25, 2014 by tracy

My knee is continuing to bother me and though I am trying hard not to get frustrated and discouraged, I feel myself sliding that direction sometimes. I think the frustration is coming less from the pain and more from the fact that ANOTHER body part has been added to the list of injuries. It was one thing when my hip was injured. Then we added my left foot, then my right, then my shoulders, ribs, neck, and jaw. Now my right knee is injured from the tibia dislocating in the shower fall and my left knee is hurting from compensating for the instability on the right.

It is a lot. Each joint needs different things to help them and it is fairly tiring just trying to keep it all straight in my mind, much less moving in such a way to prevent further injury.

The good news – okay, the FANTABULOUS news, is my hip is doing really well. I am moving better than I have since the initial injury back in February 2012 and as soon as my knee regains some stability, we can start building muscles in earnest.

PLEASE tell me this is true! Please tell me what we have been working for since I started physical therapy in April 2013 is going to start happening soon. We were almost there in July of last year, but then I broke my foot which set me back five months. Then in December I was able to start exercising and building the muscles in my pelvis. Then I tore the pubic symphysis in January, dislocated my foot in February, and dislocated pretty much everything in May. We have been stabilizing things all summer and we are almost back to the point where we can start the fix-Tracy’s-hip program again. I just need the knee ligaments to tighten up so I can walk on it without pain.

It really is crazy making. I am so done with the whole thing. I am ready to be healthy and strong and ABLE. Able to do my own grocery shopping. Able to sit in a chair like a normal person. Able to fold a batch of laundry without feeling like I have just run a marathon. Able to have a heartrate that stays below 90 instead of shooting up to 150. Able to not have shaking episodes. Able to drive myself where ever I want to go. Able to stay conscious. Able to run around and play with my children. Able to jump on the trampoline. Able to ride my lovely bike. Able. That is all I want.

And yet, I might not ever get any of those things. I might never be able in those areas.

But I am able to love. To speak kindness. To smile. To share truth. To laugh. To encourage. To make this world a brighter place.

And that is what I need to do more of – and keep my faith alive that someday I will be able to do the the others.

resigning

Aug 17, 2014 by tracy

Back in May I was given a new calling at church as the secretary to the Stake Primary Presidency. It is busy and full of meetings and I knew I could not add this calling into my already very full life without letting something else go.

But I didn’t know what to let go. I love all the things I do. LOVE THEM. In fact, it is pretty much impossible for me to do something if I am not passionate about it. So giving up something is really, really hard. I don’t have a list of things to say “no” to that I don’t really want to do – I have a list of things that are deeply important to my soul that I want to keep investing my time and energy in.

It has been hard to think and ponder and work up the courage to let something go. But I have done it. In July I officially resigned from the iFAMILY Board of Directors and over the past seven weeks we have been transitioning me off of the board. I have wept deep, heartfelt cries of anguish that no one really understands. iFAMILY has been my baby…I helped birth it and nurture it as it grew and now I am walking away from my position and trusting that the foundation laid is sufficient to carry it onwards. Oh, the heartache.

In spite of the pain of leaving, I know I needed to do this – I feel peace about it. I cannot serve my church in this calling and serve iFAMILY and have enough time with my children. For some reason I don’t yet understand, God is asking me to serve the children and leaders of my stake at this time. It is not my dream calling. It is not something I would have ever wanted to do. I am not very good at it. I continually say the wrong thing at our meetings. I come home feeling like I am not really making any sort of impact for good and wondering why on earth I am spending my time here instead of spending my time at iFAMILY where I can visibly see the impact of my service.

But I know God has asked me to do this. His Spirit has poured over me and told me God has called me to this position. So I will serve and try my best to love and learn and listen to His voice teach me.

And I will still cry.

And God will still love me.

in his hands

Aug 14, 2014 by tracy

Our suburban’s transfer case broke back on June 28 on our way home from Utah. The bill was $2100. $2100 which we didn’t have and couldn’t see any way of getting. We started selling things to pay for it and were able to sell enough stuff and use some from our summer savings account (our money set aside during the school year to make it until October when Richard gets paid from the school district again) to pay for the repair.

Well, when we returned home from camping, I did all the math for the next two months and knew we weren’t going to make it until payday in mid-October. We needed the $800 from the summer savings account. So I started putting energy into selling more things and planning out some classes to teach.

This morning, I woke up and knew the Duplo table had to sell. I had listed it back when the suburban broke down and it didn’t sell. I wasn’t willing to do garage sale prices on it because it is worth a lot of money (and worth a lot of emotional pennies to me as well), but many people are only willing to pay thrift store prices, so no one was interested in my $350 Duplo collection. Well, I prayed. I asked God to please send my ad to a person who would be blessed by my Duplos AND be willing to pay for them.

And he did.

It is sold, paid for, and taken to its new home.

Yes, I believe in a God of miracles. I tried to sell it on my own for a month with not a single taker. Today, after praying for help, it sold in just a few short hours. He is taking care of us.

p.s. I am so, so grateful they sold and know they are going to a home where they will be well-loved and cared for, but I find myself a bit teary-eyed…saying goodbye to our duplos is saying goodbye to an era of little ones. My babies are growing up and it feels like my heart is being torn in two.

need some brain cells? go elsewhere…

Aug 13, 2014 by tracy

Confession: my brain does funny things. It jumps to insane conclusions and runs a mile a minute pretty much 24 hours a day. It also misses things that are fairly obvious to others…jumps completely over the obvious to some ridiculous explanation.

(Mom, want to share the license plate story?)

Well, while I was camping I had another of these crazy brain explosions. I have eyes that are a bit unique – one of them is near-sighted and one of them is far-sighted. I had lazy eye as a child and my right eye, the far-sighted one, still doesn’t work all that hot. Even though we did the whole ginormous-patch-covering-the-whole-side-of-my-cute-two-year-old-face-thing, it is still lazy as every and lets my left eye do all the work. While we were camping I went contactless quite a bit. My eyes needed a break and since I wasn’t driving or anything, I decided to let my eyes breathe. The few times I did put my contacts in, my vision was all screwy. When I would close my left eye, the whole world would go blurry. I would take out my contact, clean it, try to figure out what was going on, try again, and be surrounded by blurriness.

I knew my contacts weren’t switched because I could still see out of my left eye. If my far-sighted contact was in my near-sighted eye, I would be nearly blind, only being able to tell light and darkness.

So, my ridiculous brain jumped to the conclusion that my right eye had suddenly changed. Dramatically changed. Like maybe now that I am forty, it was becoming more near-sighted. Or maybe it was a million times more far-sighted than it had ever been before. I kept telling people, “Something is wrong with my vision. I can’t see out of my right eye!” and “I am going to have to see the optometrist right when I get home! Something weird is going on with my eye.”

Well, when I got home and attended church, I couldn’t see they hymn numbers or the clock or people’s faces, and I thought, “Oh my heck, it is even worse than I thought!”

BUT THEN MY BRAIN FINALLY TURNED ON TO RATIONAL THINKING.

When I took my contacts out, I took the left one out and put it in the case. Then took the right one out and put it in my left eye and VOILA, I could see just fine out of my left eye.

So, I had somehow taken two left, near-sighted contacts with me instead of one of each. And instead of thinking it through like a logical person would, my brain jumped to the crazy conclusion that somehow, overnight, my far-sighted eye had dramatically changed.

Yes, my brain is full of crazy sauce. It makes the adventure of living with me a gazillion times more zesty.

safe and sound

Aug 12, 2014 by tracy

I need to take the time to write a whole post about my two weeks in the mountains, but since that probably won’t get done for a few more days, I wanted to let y’all know I am home safe and sound.

Here are a few itty-bitty updates until I can get a real post written.

I fell in the shower a few days before I left and hurt my knee…well, actually I hurt lots of parts of me, but my knee was hurt the worst and it is still hurting the worst. I babied it while I was gone and unfortunately it is still hurting. I am gearing myself up for another 12-16 weeks healing time.
My mom fell while we were camping and hurt her knee really badly. She had her MRI today and we will get the results tomorrow. I’m pretty sure she is heading for surgery soon.
Our summer read-aloud is so fun! Everyone needs to run and beg, borrow, or ~~steal~~ buy The Wingfeather Saga TODAY. Oh, my goodness, I love it so much. I am on book four (tempted to stay up all night tonight to finish reading the last 200 pages) and as a family we are almost done with book two.
Due to the state of my knee and my noble efforts to baby it, unpacking is going very, very slowly. We have been working our way through the laundry and tomorrow we must conquer the food (yes, mom, the cooler stuff was put away days ago, it is just the totes that need emptied) and then Blythe will need to vacuum out the suburban.
I am almost ready to launch my new website/business/effort to change the world. Wahoo!
Richard got a contract with the school district again. Wahoo!
Three weeks until iFAMILY starts. I am working on finalizing everything for my awesome-sauce Worldviews class.

Time to get back to The Warden and The Wolf King. Now that I don’t have to use a flashlight to read at night, it is time for some midnight reading.

my mountains are calling

Jul 24, 2014 by tracy

I have a special place I escape to each summer. The air seeps into my soul and renews me, centers me, brings me back to what matters most. The mountains give me strength and courage to face whatever life throws my way. The water, so crisp and clear, surrounds me with a healing balm of refreshment.

The memories of my grandparents loving these mountains and caring for the people who came to camp there fill me with peace. They nurtured the land, the visitors, and most of all, their grandchildren who came to stay with them in the big lodge on the hill. I was blessed to be one of the children who stayed with them for weeks on end and was able to learn to work and play and love under their tutelage.

My children have gone camping here every summer of their lives. It is their special place too. Almost all of Blythe’s birthdays have been celebrated in the mountains we love. This year she will turn 18. It might be the last birthday we have up there for a few years. Who knows where she will be and what she will be doing on her 19th, 20th, or 21st? I’m sure she will come back and join us sometimes, but this is probably the last trip from this phase of our lives with all of our children together.

Today is packing and grocery shopping and loading so we can pull out bright and early tomorrow morning. It is time to breathe the air that fills my soul.

dodging a bullet

Jul 20, 2014 by tracy

As I stood in the shower Friday afternoon while getting ready to attend the temple that night, I winced in pain as I have every shower since May 2. Lifting my left arm up to wash my hair pinches something in the shoulder joint and it shoots down my arm and up to my neck. Inwardly, I thought “Argh, I am so tired of this pain! When will it stop hurting to shampoo my hair. It has been 11 weeks!”

Instantly Jeremy’s voice entered my mind. On Tuesday at our appointment he shared these thoughts, “We have dodged a bullet, a really big bullet, with your vagus nerve and jaw.” He expressed his gratitude and we both rejoiced a bit at how well my foot and hip are doing. I heard I was doing well. I heard things were improving. I heard I could increase my time on the Elliptigo. I heard my vagus was calming down. But I didn’t really think about it. I didn’t feel grateful down deep in my soul. I didn’t really hear him until I was in the shower.

But as I winced in pain in the shower and Jeremy’s words replayed in my mind, the voice of the Lord washed over me and I heard something else.

Tracy, we dodged a bullet. I blessed you with a miracle. Just a few short weeks ago, a hypersensitive vagus was staring you in the face, and now, your vagus is calmed down. Tracy, I love you. Take this gift and know I healed you.

His words surrounded me from head to toe and I felt wrapped up in a blanket of love and warmth and safety. I felt known and heard and blessed.

My God is a god of miracles. He can and will and is pouring them down upon us. May I always remember.

let’s add a minute

Jul 15, 2014 by tracy

Yippee-eye-aye!

Is that how you write that celebratory shout?

Regardless, I am shouting it from the rooftops! After six long months of injury – the pubic bone separation in January and then the foot dislocation a few weeks later – my body is ready to move forward. For the past two weeks or so, I have been riding my Elliptigo for two minutes a day and today I got the go-ahead to increase my time by a minute a day. So tomorrow it is three minutes. Then if that goes well, four minutes the next day!

In two weeks, I might be up to sixteen minutes. Oh my stinkin’ heck, I am so excited!

My jaw and head are still pretty sore, but they are improving and we are leaving them alone for now and hoping all the bones slide back to where they rightly belong without any more interference. It is challenging to move them without increasing my vagus nerve symptoms, so we are praying for the bones to move on their own as I keep drinking liquids and eating soft foods.

Today at my appointment with Jeremy we worked on the fascial tissues throughout the pelvis and made lots of progress in freeing it up. We haven’t been able to work much on my hip since I fell on May 2, so it is super exciting that my ribs and head are improved enough that we can get back to the hip.

the tooth fairy is coming

Jul 7, 2014 by tracy

Goodbye little girl with a smile full of baby teeth.

She lost a bottom tooth on Saturday night and her top two front teeth are super loose, they will be coming out soon. I actually have no idea how they are still in there – the one on the right can twist clear around in circles.

Every single milestone brings a big sigh of bittersweet emotions from my soul. Seeing her lose her baby cheeks, her teeth, and her little girlness is so stinkin’ hard. I never thought I would have a home without a baby or a toddler – and now I am full blown into the lose-the-teeth stage for the last time. I want to ask the tooth fairy to hide piles of money under her pillow – surely having Annes hit the jackpot will assuage my heartbreak?

I was supposed to have a gazillion children and while I am so grateful for my four, each “last-time” feels like a knife wound.

It seems silly to cry over teeth, but I think I might.

one year later

Jul 3, 2014 by tracy

In spite of the aforementioned skull pain, today is a day to celebrate! One year ago I fell off a barstool while cleaning the shower for our Independence Day guests and broke my 4th metatarsal. Even though it was a small break, we did not know if it would heal or not. We didn’t know if the ligaments in my foot would be able to muster up the strength to hold the bone together. There was a good chance I would need to have surgery with pins and all that jazz.

But it healed! Hallelujah! After nearly five months of kick-butt pain, 16 weeks in a myriad of different walking boots, specialized medial-post, steel-shank shoes for three months post-walking boot, and lots of BF&C, essential oils, bone building supplements, and heaps and heaps of prayers, it is healed.

Having a broken left foot did a number on my right hip and set me back significantly – probably lost about 6 months of hip progress because of the foot – but here we are at one year post break and my hip has recovered nicely. I am able to ride the Elliptigo for two minutes a day and we are starting to see some real progress with my hip. It would have really been helpful to only have the broken foot to deal with in the past year, but having the severely sprained right foot in February set me back significantly again. Now my hip and left foot are doing well. My right foot is healing from the fall at swim camp and soon I will be able to exercise for more than two minutes a day.

So, I say Praise the Lord. This broken foot could have been so much worse. I could have had surgery. I could still be in a walking boot. I could still be experiencing significant foot pain. But I am not! I can walk without pain and today, on this one year anniversary, I am going to rejoice.

i don’t think your skull is supposed to move like this

Jul 3, 2014 by tracy

Yesterday we spent a lovely day at the lake with 10-15 of our favorite families. Kiddos big and little played in the sand, on the tubes, and everywhere in between – they had a ball. And so did all the mamas. Some moms swam and played up a storm, others of us sat and chatted the afternoon away. I was in the latter group and had a great time visiting with friends and getting updates on all their adventures.

When I left I made what seemed to be a small mistake, but is perhaps developing into a large mistake. Do I dare even say that?

When I put our water bottle/sunscreen/miscellaneous supply basket into the car, I rammed my forehead right into the top edge of the car. I have no clue how I missed the vital piece of information of the car’s location or how I didn’t notice my head’s close proximity to it, all I know is it really, really hurt.

And once again, my heart rate shot up. The girls helped me lie down in the car for a bit and we called Richard to do his energy work magic on me and then I thought I was fine. I was able to drive home, hold a book discussion on My Name Used To Be Muhammed, and everything seemed fine. Then my head started throbbing. My jaw, forehead, temporal bone, eyeballs, everything was pounding and I limped through the last bit of our discussion holding my head and trying not to focus on the pain. By the time everyone left I was hurting quite a bit.

This morning Jeremy shifted all those bones back into place, which hurt something fierce. Poor Sheri’s hand must have felt like a tourniquet was on it with how hard I was squeezing it. It felt better for a bit after the appointment, but now my forehead is throbbing again. Ice and little talking are the order of the night. No more animated raging about the injustice in the world and wide gesticulations about prison sentences for converting to Christianity. I need to speak calmly and softly and not open my mouth wide at all. A tall order for me!

summer reading

Jul 2, 2014 by tracy

Fisher and Annes and I have spent the past month or so reading Hanne’s Quest, a delightful little story about a little hen who must go on an epic journey to save her owner’s farm.

We picked up this book at a used book store several years ago when I simply could not resist the lovely artwork.

Mem Pockets, the owner of the farm, has a flock of speckled chickens who lay speckled eggs that she sells at the market every Friday. She loves her hens and treats them nearly like children. One day she gets a letter stating she owes back taxes on her farm and has thirty days to pay them or she will lose her land. She has very little income and no way to earn enough money in one month’s time. The hens talk together to hatch a plan and the oldest hen remembers an old legend about a special hen laying three golden eggs. Hanne, the smallest hen, decides she is the one for the undertaking and sets off on her journey to faraway places to fulfill the ancient legend.

My children were on the edge of their seats each day as they traveled with Hanne through frightening adventures and noble deeds. The chapters are just the right length for a read-aloud of one chapter a day.

We have been plodding along in our family read-aloud, The Red Keep, for months and while I quite like the book, it is moving too slow for some of our family members. I’m sure there will be plenty of excitement by the end, but right now we are still in the laying the groundwork part of the plot and it has been increasingly hard to make much progress. It is my August book discussion book, so I will keep reading it, but on Friday night we made a switch to a new book, On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness.

Oh my goodness, it is SO fun! The three introductions are hilarious and had us all laughing out loud. I have been reading the introductions to anyone who will listen to me for the past 5 days. When I heard about the Wingfeather Saga (the name of the series), I immediately went to the author’s page on Amazon. After reading his bio, I found his website, book blog, and awesome-sauce conglomeration of fellow authors, artists, and discussers of ideas, The Rabbit Room.

And to say I fell in love would be an understatement. When you read his bio, I think you will understand why.

Hey, folks. If you’re just discovering me or any of my work, it can be a little confusing because there are several facets to it. Here’s the rundown:

I write songs. I also record them to these cool things called CDs and put on concerts around the country. (And beyond! To my great delight, I get to play in Europe every year or so.)

I write books. Right now I’m three books into a fantasy series for young readers. It’s called the Wingfeather Saga. I just published book three (of four), in May of 2011. I also illustrated some of the pictures. (WingfeatherSaga.com)

I’m the proprietor of the Rabbit Room., a community of songwriters, authors, and artists interested in storytelling, faith, and fellowship. We have a yearly conference called Hutchmoot, which is as awesome as it sounds. (Hutchmoot.com)

I’m a proud member of the Square Peg Alliance, a happy band of singer/songwriters who write together, tour together, and eat together. (SquarePegAlliance.com)

I’ve been married for nineteen years to Jamie, and we have three sweet children: Aedan (15), Asher (14), and Skye (11). We live in a magical place we call the Warren, just south of Nashville.

The common thread in all this is my love for Christ and his Kingdom, my belief in the power of story and art, and my need for family and community. If I had to boil it all down, I’d say this: I want to use my gifts to tell the truth, and to tell it as beautifully as I can.

That ought to get you started. For a more in-depth look at what I do, visit Andrew-Peterson.com. Thanks!

Andrew Peterson’s approach to life, family, sharing his ideas, and making a difference in the world entered right into my heart. He is hilarious, generous, real, and is spending his life doing what he loves, an act of courage in this day and age of working jobs one hates.

The fourth and final book in the Windfeather Saga was released last week on his website and will be available for pre-order on Amazon with shipment on July 22.

Everyone is thoroughly enjoying this story, even my one child who is incredibly challenging to please with read-aloud time, so I declare it a solid winner. As soon as we have a spare $45, we will be buying all four books so we can delight in them again and again. Right now I have books 1-3 checked out from the library and local friends, DO NOT REQUEST THEM! Please, pretty, pretty please, let us keep them for a bit so we can get through them. We are reading as fast as we can. Promise.

starting to exercise again

Jul 1, 2014 by tracy

Except for my jaw/face/neck pain, I am in the best place physically that I have been in since the beginning of January, WAHOO! On Friday I was given the go ahead to ride my Elliptigo for two minutes per day. My first day was Monday and while my muscles were given a bit or a workout, my hip and feet felt great afterwards. Today I rode again and have to say, it is so stinkin’ FUN! I love it.

It is a different feeling than a bike or treadmill or anything else I have ever ridden. It is in a class all by itself and it is going to take a bit to get used to the different muscles being worked. I can close my eyes and imagine I am outside, spinning down the road super fast, weaving back and forth, having the time of my life. It amazes me how much my abdominal muscles hurt afterwards. They say it works the core muscles and while I didn’t believe them at first, after riding it for even the tinsiest length of time, it is obvious by the burning in my midsection it does.

I am also going to take advantage of this no-major-injury time, to refocus on my MELT Method work. I ordered the soft roller and ball kit months ago, but then my pelvis was injured, then my foot, then my ribs, neck, & jaw, then my foot again, so I haven’t been able to do anything but survive until the last week or so. I am hoping to find a MELT partner to come do the ten minute workouts with me each day. Sheri? Kat? Jenn? I think if I have a partner, I will be much more diligent. Who wants to join me for morning Elliptigo, MELT, and green smoothies?

please keep running sentra

Jul 1, 2014 by tracy

The broken Subaru story has now expanded to a broken Subaru + a broken Suburban. On our way home from Utah on Saturday night, we started hearing a horrible grinding sound coming from the driver’s side axle area. We pulled over, did some investigation in the dark with cars whizzing by us at 80 mph, and decided we had to baby it to the next exit so we could get off the side of the road.

We figured it had to be the u-joints or the transfer case and shouldn’t drive it further. We started making phone calls, waking people up in the middle of the night, and were able to find some superheroes wearing their capes. Tami quickly found us a hotel room and a ride to get there. Unfortunately, when we got to the hotel it was full – her reservation had been made after midnight, so it bumped us to checking in that afternoon after 4:00 – and there were no rooms available to sleep in right then. Nor were there rooms at any other hotels within a 20 mile radius.

So, this dear woman who picked us up, a sister of my friend Boo, took us to her home in the middle of the night and let us crash on her floor. She had just gotten home that night from a cross-country road trip and needed to be sound asleep herself, but she came and rescued our little family and gave us a safe, warm place to sleep. I need to find out what her favorite treat is and send her a pile of them.

The next morning, Tami came and got us, took us back to the broken Suburban so it could be towed, and then drove us the 2+ hours home. Superhero, that girl is!

The repair shop called and said it is the transfer case. Ouch. $2100 bill. So, we are figuring out everything we can sell to come up with enough money. And lovely things are happening! Yesterday, we got a refund check of $215 from our mortgage company for an overpayment of escrow! Never in all our years of having a mortgage have we received a check. I about fell on the floor when I read the words. A woman came and bought our lovely Apple Gathering painting that hangs in our front room and left an extra $50 for it. I sold a set of books for $145. Today I will list our beloved Duplo table with all 645 pieces we meticulously counted last night. Today I will be combing my house to come up with other things I can sell and slowly, but surely we will get there. The treadmill is next on the list, hmmm, what else is here that can get us some cash?

For now, we are stuck at our house and crossing our fingers the part for the Subaru comes in today so Richard can fix it tonight. Thank goodness his little Nissan is still chugging along so he can get to work!

thankful thursdays 6/26

Jun 26, 2014 by tracy

It has been awhile since I have posted a gratitude list and for the good of my soul I need to take some time to do it today.

Summer! Oh, how it feeds my soul to see the sun shining and my trees blowing in the breeze.
Time with Richard. Because he doesn’t work for the school district in the summer, we get a bit more papa time in the summer. This past Saturday was his first Saturday with us since last September and it was heavenly. We took Fisher and Annes camping overnight at a campground just a few miles from our house. The kids got to fish right up until dark since the river ran alongside our camp spot. Richard and the kids were up early to hit the river again. It was such a delightful get away and reminded me how much I adore my family and being outdoors with them.
Our Happy Jar. I read about it over on Hands Free Mama and decided to give it a whirl. Fish and Annes love it! It is helping all of us to notice the good and be the good.
My Aunt Eileen sent me a box full of delicious rhubarb jam! My grandma made rhubarb jam every summer and sometimes I was able to help her. One of my favorite childhood memories is crawling down into grandma’s cellar to get a jar of homemade jam for our morning toast. Now my children get to experience a lil’ piece of my grandma and their heritage.
Our homeschool group had a curriculum fair yesterday and for six whole buckaroos I came home with a bag full of wonderful treasures.
Read aloud time with my family. Fisher and Annes and I just finished Hanne’s Quest. It has been a fun book with just the right touch of mystery, wonder, and courage. All of us are still plugging through The Red Keep – it is taking us awhile because the big girls’ schedules are so inconsistent. My goal is to reinstitute a solid plan for family read-aloud time.
My new website is coming along nicely and I love my adorable tree made by the super-talented Jessica. I should be ready to launch this new change-the-world venture in the next week or so.
I haven’t been able to rearrange the furniture all year and it has about killed me. A few days ago Blythe helped move all the furniture over to the carpeted room and the table to the wood room. We were able to deep clean both rooms in just a few hours! My soul needs things to be rearranged fairly frequently so everything feels fresh and new and now that it is taken care of, I feel like I can move forward with a clean slate into my summer projects.
Our girls were able to go on trek last week with our old ward. This experience of pulling a handcart through the desolate high-mountain plains of Wyoming has changed them for the better. I am so grateful our former bishop invited them attend and that they were able to work hard to earn the money to pay for it.
My jaw is improving. I can talk pretty normally now and the headaches are subsiding some. The bones across my face still ache something fierce, but the lower jaw is not hurting nearly as much.
Our car broke down a few days ago, but thanks to my handy husband, we think we have it figured out. The new part should be on its way to us soon and we will have a working car in the next week or so.
Last night I finished reading My Name Used To Be Muhammed. My heart broke so many times while reading it. I ached for the harshness and violence of Tito Momen’s life and wanted to wrap his precious little boy heart up in my arms and let him draw to his heart’s content. I wanted to prevent his father from hitting his mother ever again. I wanted to turn a whole culture of control, violence, and fear into a culture of love, patience, and trust. But I couldn’t do any of those things. I CAN mourn with those that mourn and do my darndest to raise my children with the love I wanted Tito to have. I can encourage other families on their paths. I can be a voice for empathic parenting. I can teach and love and serve. The experience of reading this book was painful and I am grateful to have gone though it – my heart is expanded by the suffering and courage of Tito.
A few weeks ago when my jaw was in so much pain, my friend Marie showed up unannounced at my house with her seven children, including her baby who has Down’s Syndrome and a whole host of health problems. I tried to send them away with protestations of “We are fine, we don’t need any help!” but Marie looked into my eyes and said, “Please Tracy, let me do something for you. I need to get out of my troubles and do something for someone else. Please let me help.” So I did. I know that dark place of being weighed down by my own troubles and knowing the only way out is to get out of my head and go serve someone else. She and her children mowed my lawn, washed my dishes, took several batches of blankets and towels to wash, and gave me piles of love. They brought carrot juice, delicious herbal tea, and willing hearts and hands. I keep thinking back to the beautiful morning and well up with tears…there is so much love in this world.
Tonight we made dinner for the missionaries (Tami’s Famous Chicken Tortilla Soup) and now we are going to have Family Game Night. Such a lovely evening.

first day at the lake

Jun 25, 2014 by tracy

A day at the lake watching my little ones run and swim and giggle is exactly what I needed today. I have been working non-stop on my new website and the iFamily schedule and website all week. Today we took advantage of the sun and windless skies to go to the lake for the first time of the summer.

And it was perfect.

They played on our one working inner tube, built sandcastles, searched for frogs and snakes, swam underwater, and ran around like little children without a care in the world. Just like they should.

I laid in my chair and read a book and smiled as I watched them squeal with delight.

Oh, I love mothering!

p.s. Yes, a post about trek is coming. Yes, my jaw is improving. Yes, I am doing well this week. Yes, I will be at the reunion…these are all for my dear mama who keeps asking me, but doesn’t want to pester me. Love you mama…see you in a few days.

loveliness on a summer morn

Jun 23, 2014 by tracy

Oh my, ten days without posting. Besides the fact (haha) that you are missing my words, it is entirely unhealthy for me to go that long without processing my thoughts through writing. Note to self: for a healthier psyche, write, write, write.

The sun is shining through my eastern window, filling my bedroom with fresh morning light. The sky is a radiant blue. The trees are full of cotton, which normally blows all around our yard like a soft-summer snowstorm, but this morning, in the stillness, the cotton hangs in the trees waiting for a breeze to release it. I hear the sprinklers shooting water all over the lawn, the chitch-chitch-chitch sounds of the rotating heads bringing order to my morning.

And all of this brings me hope. The morning comes. A new week is here with the promise of possibility. A clean slate waiting to be written upon.

This week I have a few goals.

Remember to be a fun mom.
Smile…a whole lot.
Get outside every single day. I can’t even tell you how many days I have spent living in this house. In this bedroom. I need to soak the summer air into my soul.
Figure out what classes I am teaching at iFamily (or not!)
Make the iFamily schedule.
Get the iFamily website done.
Get my new business website done.
Start a new read-aloud with Fisher and Annes…yes, we finally finished Hanne!
Make a decision about gymnastics for this fall.
Get my bedroom clean.
Get Richard’s summer special for SimplyHealed on his website.
Spend an hour every morning doing genealogy.
Organize my new school basket with Fisher’s and Annesley’s daily learning materials.
Spread joy.
Introduce our Happy Jar.
Rearrange and give the upstairs living areas a deep (overdue) spring cleaning.
Finish reading My Name Used To Be Muhammed
Find a location to hold my new classes on How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

My jaw is improving, I can eat soft foods instead of drinking everything. Talking doesn’t hurt as much as it did a few weeks ago. Smiling is still pretty painful and laughter really hurts, but I will gladly take this over the condition it was in three weeks ago. My ankle is improving, still taped, and still limping a bit, but it is not hurting as much. If no other injuries happen, I will be able to start riding my awesome Elliptigo in the next few weeks.

Blessings abound.

drat it all, i scare people

Jun 13, 2014 by tracy

We had a frustrating, disappointing, hilarious, and a lil’ bit crazy day yesterday when I went to Dr. Guinn to get an expert opinion on my jaw.

He decided he wouldn’t treat me as there are vagus nerve issues involved and instead recommended I go to the emergency room. He wants me to see a neurologist, but recommended the emergency room as my first stop, saying “They’ll know what to do with you.” He actually asked if I have a death wish and want my children to be raised without a mother.

Oh my word.

At the time I couldn’t decide whether to explode in any angry diatribe or laugh hysterically. I did a little of both after we left the office.

Now that I have had a day to think about it, I feel compassion for the poor man. He was probably scared out of his mind that I would pass out right there in his office and somehow die from his dental exam.

After a delicious milk shake at Smash Burger with Richard, Jessica, Kat, Tami, my sister Mikelle, and my mama and phone calls to my dentist and PT, I was able to calm down and start to think through my options.

I have researched neurologists, geneticists, and all sorts of other ists all day long and don’t see any good solutions. There are some excellent EDS doctors out there, but oh, my goodness, there are long 12 – 18 month waiting lists and long distance travel to Maryland, Illinios, Texas, or Seattle are involved.

We have some big decisions in front of us and it doesn’t look like my jaw OR vagus issues will be resolved anytime soon.

almost gave up

Jun 9, 2014 by tracy

I almost gave up today.

Really.

Emotional-wise, physical-wise, mental-wise, I was done.

Spiritual-wise not done, but there just wasn’t enough gas in the other areas to really make up the difference.

I felt myself letting go of the will to keep on trying.

And then I looked at Annesley. And then I looked at Fisher. And then I looked at Blythe. (I would have looked at Keziah, but she has started her nanny job for the summer so she wasn’t with us.) And I decided that for them I will keep on trying.

They have no idea how hard this is. They have no idea how much pain I am in. They simply need a mother who loves them and I am determined to be that mother.

I used to think the pain in my hip was bad and believe me it was. At the height of the labral tear pain I would moan and wince and cry and really could not imagine anything worse.

This probably isn’t worse…but it is longer. And it is more. One or both of my feet have been aching for nearly a year. My hip still hurts, not as intensely as at first, but everyday it cries out in agony of some kind or another. Since the May 2 fall, my shoulder, ribs, and neck have hurt. And on top of all that my gums, jaw, ears, teeth – basically my whole skull are in constant pain. Sometimes I think I will lose my mind.

Today was one of those days. I had an incredibly frustrating appointment with a different PT to get a 2nd opinion and it turned out terrible. He didn’t really understand the laxity issues or the severity of the vagus nerve situation and gave me all sorts of bad advice. I felt unsafe and unheard and more than a little unknown. Screaming would have been my (ineffective) solution, but my mouth won’t open wide enough for me to scream, so even that good old fallback is out for now.

Instead, I let Blythe drive us around town for a visit to the library, some 1/2 price slushies, and a few minutes play at the park. We listened to Igraine the Brave, one of our favorite audio books, and I tried to focus on just being with my children. Just being their mom. Not a patient. Not an in-pain person. Not a woman with big challenges facing her. Just. their. mom.

Man, I love those kiddos. They are worth whatever I have to do to get functioning again.

Tomorrow I see Jeremy and he will put my foot back together again and have some calming words to soothe my soul. Until then I will sip on the delicious roasted red pepper soup Sherry brought tonight and count my many blessings, name them one by one.

best catch of my life

Jun 7, 2014 by tracy

We always like to go out on a date on June 7 to commemorate our first date back in 1993. Instead I have spent the day in bed and Richard has spent the day at work. I am pretty bummed to be spending this evening alone. But I am not up to an out-of-the-house date. My foot is pretty tender from the fall in the hidden hole on Monday and I am trying to rest it as much as possible to help its healing be speedy (haha, is anything speedy with my healing?) and my whole head is miserable. My teeth ache and feel like they are falling out. My jaw feels like it is in a vice grip and my head feels like it has a football helmet on that is 48 sizes to small.

I certainly don’t want to get fancied up and since I can’t eat anything but pureed liquids, we are a bit limited on our restaurant choices. So I told my sweetie to go fishing. He needs a night on the river so he can clear his mind of the jaw situation for a few hours. The water lapping the shore and the casting back and forth fills his soul with calmness, patience, and strength…all of which we are going to need in the days to come, so I told him to go and not feel bad about it being June 7, just go and soak up a river of courage.

Back on that first June 7, I asked him to take me fishing knowing full well the weather was bad and it was getting late in the day. He asked if there was any way he could take me to a movie and dinner instead and take me fishing the next time we had the night off. Yes sir, that is just what I was hoping for! I often tell him that instead of catching fish that night, we caught each other…best catch of our lives.

My cousin Melissa was at Swim Camp with me and one day during one of my many crying fests over the whole jaw situation she said something like “Tracy, you may feel flawed and like you’re not mothering the way you wish, but you nailed the most important decision of your life in who to marry. You are giving your children a priceless gift – they get to experience a loving, beautiful, faithful, and faith-filled marriage. What a gift!” She is right. I am terribly flawed and I struggle so much with simple kindness, but my marriage is one thing I did right. God led me right to this amazing man and with a heart full of faith I allowed myself to trust that marriage really could last forever and be full of love, safety, and oneness. It took me a few years of marriage to be fully convinced that marriage could be good and a few more years for my wounded heart to be healed, but from the first moment I met him I followed the Spirit and let God lead me into sacred covenants with this good, good man.

I could have married a crazy high school boyfriend who was full of manipulation, abuse, and all sorts of psycho-mumbo-jumbo. I easily could have married my Baptist best friend, but it would have meant leaving my religion and joining his and though I loved him with my whole heart, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away from my testimony. Instead I walked away from a full-ride scholarship to the college he was attending so I wouldn’t be near him anymore. It was too painful to care for someone so deeply and not be united in faith together. I always hoped to marry another dear friend who left on a mission for our church that summer. And a HUGE part of me decided to never marry anyone. My walls were several feet thick and I was determined to keep them that way so my heart would never break again. I had already decided at that tender age of nineteen that no man would ever hurt me again. No man would ever tell me what to do and get away with it. No man would rape me, boss me, hit me, and live to see the light of day. I was angry and damaged and had little desire to change. But I had also made baptismal covenants with my Heavenly Father. I had decided as a young girl to get married in the Salt Lake Temple. I knew God loved me and had a plan for me and deep down inside I wanted to trust Him, but I didn’t know how to let down my walls.

Then God gave me Richard. The instant I saw him I knew I would marry him. I can’t describe the serenity and stability I felt in his presence…kind of like being wrapped up in a blanket of warmth and safety in the most loving embrace imaginable.

I trusted that feeling. But I still had to fight the demons of fear and anger and walls and grief. I had to decide that I believed a marriage didn’t have to end in divorce, that all men didn’t cheat on their wives, that all men wouldn’t hit their wives, that the song “Families Can Be Together Forever” wasn’t just a fairytale. It took years for those demons to finally be slayed. God walked with me every step of the way and Richard’s pervasive goodness taught me what love really looks like.

Melissa is right. The one thing that really matters and makes all the difference is my marriage to Richard. I cannot imagine going through this life, and especially these physical challenges without him by my side.

p.s. He just called – he is off the river and bringing some curry home to share with me. Happy first date sweetheart.

heal vagus heal

Jun 6, 2014 by tracy

So much has happened since I last posted over two weeks ago.

So much.

First, we had a wonderful surprise birthday event for my mom in Salt Lake. My little brother flew in for her birthday and when she saw him she fell into his arms and sobbed tears of joy. Her heart filled up with piles of healing – I’m so glad I got to be part of this miracle for her.

Second, we have been selling the puppies and just tonight we found the right family for the last little cutie.

Third, last week my friend Sheri’s brother-in-law committed suicide. Our group of friends are working hard to support one another and let the Savior heal our hearts. It has been such a hard week for everyone involved.

Fourth, in spite of falling on the first night, reinjuring my right foot we just spent the past 4 months healing, and having a whole mortifying passing out/shaking/urinating episode in the middle of the campground, we survived Swim Camp and are now home rubbing Miracle Salve all over our burned faces. I am hoping to get a whole post written about our 2014 Swim Camp adventures, but I can’t guarantee anything as my body is really struggling.

And now for the update I’m sure you are all waiting for…how is the jaw doing?

Can I just avoid the whole topic and pretend that everything is fine? Can I somehow convince you (and me) that I am not scared out of my gourd?

Nope. It’s time to commit the words to paper (or screen) and face the new situation we are facing.

ARGH. I don’t know if I can face it.

Okay. Here is the deal. I have been passing out and have shaking/seizure episodes for 18 months now. These have been mostly caused by irritation/damage to the femoral nerve in my hip. It sends out a panic message like “Help, help, I am being squeezed by the pubic bone/hip socket/adductors and I don’t like it one little bit!” The message goes out like a lightening bolt to the rest of my body which sends my heart rate skyrocketing and the vagus nerve responds by shutting everything down which results in the passing out and shaking. The vagus tries to reset everything much like turning off your computer can make all the frozen/malfunctioning programs start fresh. The reset process usually takes 1-3 hours and then I am good to go again.

Well. Everything has changed. The vagus nerve runs through the jaw and is now being directly irritated by my jaw dislocation issues. So instead of just responding to the femoral nerve’s cries for help, the vagus is now sending out its own panic messages. The vagus is the power cord for almost all the body’s main functions – heart, breathing, and digestion to name a few. I have all sorts of new symptoms showing the vagus is in distress. The passing out and heart rate episodes have greatly increased over the past several weeks – there have been over 20 episodes since the May 2 fall. I feel nauseated whenever an episode occurs. Additionally, I have been burping, choking, yawning, and gagging. Swallowing my own saliva without consciously thinking about it brings on a several minute choking situation. My food sits in the esophagus for hours, then sits in my stomach for many, many more hours. I rarely feel hungry. And I can’t stop shaking.

Jeremy is quite concerned and now that I understand his concerns, I am concerned (scared silly may be a more accurate term) as well because this is looking quite bleak.

The vagus nerve can become hypersensitive by being irritated/stretched/trapped for too long. No one knows how long is too long, but when it does happen, it seems to be permanent. I believe in a God of miracles and absolutely know He can fix it, but according to the medical literature, vagus nerve hypersensitivity has no fix. The body functions it is in charge of either stop working altogether or they work in chaos…heart rate all over the place, digestion being super slow or ineffective, losing the ability to speak, or control breathing. And all of this causes regular passing out and shaking episodes so the body can reset.

Oh my. My brain is full of all of this new information and is desperately trying to come up with a solution, but it can’t so it just keeps going around and around in circles.

The next step is to go see Dr. Guinn in Salt Lake City next week and have a cat scan done of my jaw. Then we will know a lot more about its condition and what we can do to get it to stay in the correct mechanical position. We will learn how many thousands of dollars it will cost and how frequently I will need to travel the 3+ hours to Utah to attend appointments with Dr. Guinn.

And then we hope that the time it takes to get into the correct mechanical position is short enough that the nerve is not damaged beyond repair. It’s a lot of ifs and a lot of hoping.

Please pray. Please pray that the vagus nerve will recover from the damage it is experiencing right now while my jaw is not working properly. Please pray that the nerve will be protected from hypersensitity. Please pray for my peace of mind. Please pray for my heart to give this all to God and trust in His power. Please pray for my children’s spirits to be filled with faith in Him and patience with me. Please pray for my Richard. He is carrying a heavy load and though he is manning it well, I know he needs bouyed up.

To all of you have been praying, thank you. Thank you with every cell of my body. There is no magic wand to make me all better, but there is the power and love of God and that is a bajillion times better.

some leave, mine is staying put

May 21, 2014 by tracy

A few weeks ago, one of the moms at gymnastics asked if her grandchild could start attending gym as she would be living with her for the next while. I readily assured her that we would love to have her granddaughter join us for the last few weeks of class.

At some point in the day, I asked her how long they would be living with her, figuring it was a temporary moving/house building/in between jobs situation. She started crying and said, “I don’t know, maybe forever. My daughter’s husband has decided he doesn’t want to take care of a sick wife anymore. He says he didn’t sign up for that and after three years, he is done. So our daughter and her children are coming to live with us and we will take care of her and our grandchildren and try to give all of them the love and security they need while trying to help her get better.”

Oh my.

My heart nearly stopped.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to believe it. To face the fact that a so-called Christian man who had made sacred covenants to God and his wife was walking away from those covenants, his wife and their children because her body had stopped working properly was far too painful for me to believe. I burst into tears.

This mama gave me a big hug and said “Your husband is so wonderful, be so grateful for him.”

Oh my.

Yes.

My heart welled up with love and gratitude and fierce devotion to this man I have been blessed with. He has always had a hard road to travel as my husband – I am loud and crazy and spontaneous and emotional and stubborn and opinionated and not very good at wifehood or housekeeping or cooking or matching socks or sticking to a plan or even making a plan. He is calm and stable and methodical and patient and forgiving.

And now my poor body takes so much of our time and money and brain cells. He works two jobs, is gone long, long hours six days a week, comes home and cooks and cleans and plays Monopoly and tries to do a little bit in the yard. He does almost all the grocery shopping. He is ready to come to me when I pass out. He rubs my sore muscles and listens to me complain. He doesn’t balk when I need another new brace or shoes or tape or protein powder or anything. He tells me I am beautiful when I have gained 30 pounds, don’t fit into most of my clothes, and hardly ever do my hair. He sees me as loving and patient and courageous and fun when I see myself as grumpy and weak and pretty miserable to be around. He has yet to be frustrated with me for being so broken.

He is amazing. Absolutely and completely amazing. And I am blessed to have him walk this journey with me.

I wish I could clone him and give him to every suffering woman in the world. I think it would change everything.

tmj pain is no fun at all

May 20, 2014 by tracy

Lots of people regularly tell me how chipper I am about this whole EDS thing. Well, I don’t feel so chipper today. My face is turning into a shriveled up prune from all the pain my head is in and while I am not giving up by any means, I am questioning how much longer I can do this and stay sane. I have a new homeopathic pain killer I am going to try tonight and if it doesn’t help, I may need to resort to ibuprofen. I react badly to meds and switched from the allopathic world to the herbal/oil/homeopathic world years ago. Also, I don’t like taking painkillers for my hip or foot because I think the pain sensations are great indicators to tell me what those joints should and should not do, but this pain seems pointless.

When I fell 2 1/2 weeks ago, I was mostly worried about my feet and hip. That is where the pain was. By that night, my ribs, neck, back, and shoulders were of far greater concern to me, but I kept thinking they were bruised and sore and would get better soon. Then Jeremy found all the ribs shifted out of place and the cervical vertebrae shoved forward and all sorts of other problems. I have been in five times since the fall and while he keeps assuring me we are making progress, I am feeling pretty discouraged. My jaw aches something fierce – every swallow, chew, yawn, or turn of the neck hurts the TMJ area and sends pain up and over my eyebrows, then around my head. I never get headaches and now that they are a constant reality, I think I may lose my mind. My head feels like it weighs 20 pounds and needs to be whacked off so I can get some rest from hauling it around.

I have decided I can no longer chew. It hurts too much to open and close my mouth and it seems everytime I eat something else starts popping or clanking around in there. So, we are going to try out a liquid diet for a bit and see if we can get these muscles to relax. Preparing food is NOT my forte and the thought of eating smoothies, however delicious, 24/7 seems a bit repulsive to me, but Kat, my food guru, insists she will hold my hand and help me come up with some creative and delicious options including a variety of soups, bone broths, and curry.

I know it’s a bit of a downer to read these endless rants. For those of you who are sticking around, thank you. It’s nice to not be alone, but boy, howdy, I feel for you. Your patience levels with my complaining deserve a gold star.

In other news, we are gearing up for Swim Camp, trying to keep the transplanted grass from Kat’s yard alive (she dug up 2200 sq. ft. of her lawn to build her new garden), playing with our seven adorable puppies and one little kitten, grading WUBA papers, learning my duties in my new church calling in the Stake Primary, reading The Red Keep for family read-aloud, and working to stay close and connected as a family. I’ll try to have Blythe take some photos of these cute puppies tomorrow.

I’ve been drinking my Great Lakes Collagen for the past few days in my smoothies and herbal tea. It dissolves well and seems to be tasteless. I don’t even notice it which is super convenient for my extra-sensitive gag reflex. As soon as my shoulders are working well, I will make some fruit snacks with the gelatin. Last night Richard put it in some Yogi Cocoa Spice tea and it was delicious. I think this will need to be my new nightly ritual!

If you have any great liquid diet ideas, PLEASE send them my way STAT. This jaw needs a break.

Brochure

May 19, 2014 by tracy

(Happy [late] birthday Trace. Let me know if I got anything wrong; you can click to embiggen. I have a printable version so you can carry copies in your purse to hand out as needed. Ha. xoxo, J.)

the saga of the attacking springboard

May 15, 2014 by tracy

In the midst of all this Four Bucks To Change The World craziness, I am still trying to recover from my most recent injury. Do you remember when a springboard landed on me and then I fell down on top of it two weeks ago? Well, it has been a painful two weeks. A fun, wonderful, exciting two weeks, but a thoroughly painful two weeks.

My ribs and neck and shoulders hurt. And I am tired of them hurting. I am tired of having to think about them hurting. I am tired of having to go to PT twice a week to get them to stop hurting. It hurts to move my arms, breathe, roll over in bed, lay on my back, get dressed, laugh, move my head, chew, and open my mouth. It nearly killed me to kneel at the computer and work on all the video and blog posts for my 40th Birthday Project. I haven’t been driving these past two weeks, but I tried it yesterday for a quick jaunt to the park with Fish and Annes which was okay-ish. But today’s drive into town was painful as all get out. I am going to lie on my life-changing, giant back-sized ice pack and see if I can get these muscles to ccccaaaalllllmmmmm down.

Another set of strange post-fall symptoms is belching, yawning, reflux, and hiccups. Lots of all of them. I do not burp…really, it is such a rare thing for me…and now I am letting out these 12-year-old boy contest winning burps. And the yawns, oh my heck, they are non-stop. We think this is all being caused by the vagus nerve either being pinched or being in spasm. Getting it to stop is a high priority for me, but not so high for Jeremy…he says we will get there, but the other structures need attention first.

Jeremy thinks I will be better in four more weeks, maybe as little as two, but probably four. Two sounds good to me and is what I keep telling myself, but I have geared up for four in case it takes that long.

These injuries must end. I need some non-injured time to build some muscles and dang it all, that time is supposed to be right now (said with foot stamping the ground). Four big injuries this year so far is four too many! Right? I am SO motivated to build some muscles, but I can only do that if there isn’t a current injury.

So I wait and hurt and try to remember to take all my supplements and drink my water and eat good food. Speaking of good food, I finally ordered some Great Lakes Collagen and Great Lakes Gelatin. This weekend we will be making fruit snacks with the gelatin and I am going to be taking a tablespoon of the collagen every morning and night in my smoothie or peppermint tea or something other beverage-y thing. Do any of the use these? If so, what are your favorite ways to get it in you? Recipes?

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