the shakes came back

Jul 14, 2013 by tracy

I have spent the past four days at LEMI training getting instruction on teaching two different Scholar Phase classes at iFamily this fall. It was an incredible experience and my brain is chock-full of information and ideas to make my class an amazing learning adventure for my students.

The four ladies I attended with took excellent care of me. Jen hauled my enormous zero-gravity chair everywhere it needed to go and got me set up in it every morning. She moved my table so I could get out of the chair every time I needed to go potty or get some food. Heather wrapped my sore foot up every morning, Emily drove us all over the place, and the other Jen checked on me often and gave me lots of encouragement. They all laughed with me, shared stories, and were delightful to be with.

AND I MADE IT THROUGH! With all that help I made it through!

That is until the last ten minutes of training. All 150(ish) of the students at the classes were together for the last two hours of training, but there wasn’t room for my special chair so I stood in the back of the room. Eventually, my sore foot couldn’t take any more weight on it and I quickly shifted off of it and torqued my hip. Immediately my femoral nerve sent a zing of lightening down my leg and my heart rate shot up to 140, then the shaking started. I made it out to a table and lay down on it, then tried to call out to someone to help me, but I was so weak by that point that no one could hear me. By this point I was scared to death because I couldn’t move and I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t get my heart rate to slow down.

Eventually, class was over and people started coming out to the hallway where they found me on the table shaking. A whole slew of people came to my rescue. Ice packs, pillows, hand-holding, and charley-horse massaging were given to me immediately. A complete stranger started zoning my right foot, someone else called Richard, and a third person started doing energy work on my head. Soon two men came to give me a blessing and delivered a precious, confirming message from my Heavenly Father about the purpose of this injury. I want to remember those words and that feeling forever…I wish I could pack it up in a bottle and let it out whenever I need it.

After a while I felt well enough to try standing up. When that went well, we decided I could walk out to the car. I did really well until we got to the elevator. Something about the drop freaked my body out and I passed out on the way down. Something akin to complete chaos must have ensued because when I returned to consciousness I could hear lots of loud voices swirling around me and feel my body being lifted out of the elevator by lots of lots of hands. They must have moved me to the lobby of the college and then worked on me some more to get everything settled back down. I was in and out of lucidity and every time I was in lucidity I could hear what seemed like a hundred voices shouting directions and trying to fix me (I think there were only about ten or fifteen people with me, it just felt like one hundred). It was a tad crazy. Eventually my body systems calmed down again and I felt strong enough to walk to my car, but no one would let me. I could hear them debating all sorts of various plans and the one they settled on was my riding out to the car on a rolling office chair with two men pushing me. Because of the hip injury I could only kneel on the chair while leaning on the back rest. I am SURE I looked like an absolute nut case coming out of the college and traveling down 400 South in Salt Lake City on a rolling office chair. I made it about forty feet before I felt the all-too familiar sensation take over my heart again and collapsed into the arms of Emily, Jeff, and hmmm, I actually don’t know who else, I was unconscious by that point.

I don’t really know what happened after that, but somehow they got me into the car. When I regained consciousness this time, I realized I had to use the bathroom immediately. Of course no one could fathom letting me try walking again, so instead my dear friends drove me to the grocery store, bought a plastic tote turned bedpan, and helped me pee while I lay in the passenger seat of the car.

Oh my good heck. How embarrassing is that! I mean really, can a girl not have even a tidbit of dignity?

About two hours later I was good as new (ha-ha, my good as new isn’t that hot, now is it?) and could talk and use my arms and laugh and even walk very, very, very slowly if someone was holding me up. My friends delivered me to Tami, who took care of me all night long, and now I am doing quite well again.

I am so, so grateful to God. He loves me. He knows me. He sent people to take care of me. He sent me messages of peace that I needed. He has a purpose for all of this suffering and I must learn to trust Him and His plan for my life. It doesn’t look like I am going to have anything close to the life I thought I would have, but His purposes are pretty amazing and I am so, so grateful to be able to take part in them.

I am also so grateful to all the people who helped me yesterday. I don’t have any idea who most of them were or what they did, but they were God’s hands for several hours and I love them for it. I am grateful to have had four dear friends with me to take care of me and fill me up with their love.

It is really, really hard to be so dependent on others. It is really, really hard to not have control of my body. It is really, really hard to be a spectacle and have all sorts of strangers see my body do all sorts of bizarre things. It is all so hard.

But I am willing. If this suffering is what God wants for me, then I am willing.

God, here am I, send me.

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prayers

Jul 14, 2013 by tracy

Prayers, prayers, prayers – they really are my lifeblood. In the past seven days I have been told of two different families that are praying for me every single day and have been for quite some time.

I was shocked when our adorable elderly neighbor stood up in church and talked about how much she loves me and prays for me every single day. I was touched deep down to my little toes to hear this good woman pour out her heart in love for me and my precious children.

Then this morning after a pretty rough night…more on that later…Tami told me her Uncle Jim and Aunt Bev, who I have always loved to pieces, pray for me every single day.

Every. Single. Day.

That is some dedication. When I think about these four people praying for me and the healing of my hip every single day my heart is filled to bursting. I can’t even think about it without crying. Knowing they are praying for me strengthens my own prayers. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to God about this one more time. Sometimes I don’t even mention it and talk to Him instead about others who surely need His comfort even more than I do. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the whole thing…the acute injury, the long-term damage that has been done by the car accident and the last (almost) eighteen months with a labral tear, the connective tissue disorder with its accompanying faulty collagen, the pain, the seizures, the passing out, the calling from God, the blessings he has showered down on me, the financial costs of the whole thing, the stress on our family life, the majesty of my husband’s tender care, the never-ending questions from concerned people asking how I am, my children growing up with a debilitated mother, the rhythms and routines of my home falling apart, the EVERYTHING.

But knowing these four people are praying for me has changed something in me. It is filling me with courage and hope. If they can pray for me every day, surely I can pray for me every day. Surely I can continue to petition The Lord for comfort and company and peace and healing.

Thank you to all the praying people of the world. Thank you for giving me some of your heart.

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another day of pain

May 15, 2013 by tracy

Today is physical therapy day. Argh! Have you ever had scar tissue broken up? It hurts just a wee bit up the wazoo.

And then afterwards it hurts even more. So today is a day of ice packs and rest and focus on healing and faith and blessings. I must stay in a place of gratitude or the whole plan goes out the window because then anger and sadness and hopelessness takes over.

I could get angry that I have a genetic disorder with no cure and a pretty yucky prognosis.

I could get angry at the man who ran into me when I was forty weeks pregnant and messed up my pelvis, my birth, my sex life, and my ability to have more children.

I could get angry at my body for being allergic to the one thing that can help my ligaments get stronger and the torn cartilage knit back together.

I could get angry at the pain.

I could get angry at my body for passing out at really inconvenient times.

I could get angry when my hands turn a lifeless color of grey or my feet lose all sensation for hours at a time.

I could get angry when my heartbeat shoots up to 140 and scares me to death.

I could get angry at never knowing what I will or will not be able to do on a daily basis.

I could get angry when I can’t make it through a day without spending hours in bed.

I could get angry when my nervous system goes into freak-out mode and makes me feel like I am being electrocuted from the inside out.

I could get angry at the lack of solutions there are for ANY of my issues.

I could get angry at how dang expensive all of this has been and will continue to be.

But none of that will help me get better. None of that will help me mother these precious children in love. None of that will keep me focused on God and His miraculous power to heal me. None of that will keep my heart open and my mind clear.

So I let it go. Again and again and again I let it go. It bubbles up every once in a while and I consciously focus on releasing it to God because that anger is poison. It could eat up my soul if I let it. It could drag me down to misery and take away everything I hold most dear.

I choose to focus on my blessings. First of all, I know it could be much, much worse. I could be terminally ill or have a child in excruciating pain fighting for their life. I could require round-the-clock care. I could have a husband who is impatient or apathetic. I could have children who are rebellious and hard-hearted. So, in the big picture, I am very, very blessed. I have an amazing husband, lovely children, a fabulous friendship circle, knowledge of God, parents who love me, aunts and uncles and cousins who support me from the sidelines, food to eat, trees to look at, a church family who cares about me, cute dishes to eat out of, books to read, a mind that can learn, a million other blessings that are immensely more impactful on my life than my lack of collagen and super-stretchy ligaments.

Even in the midst of this really frustrating journey I am on, I am blessed.

• I have four beautiful, amazing children. The reality is I could have none.
• I can walk. Others with Ehlers-Danlos are not walking as well as I am.
• I know all about alternative treatments and haven’t traversed the long, arduous path of repeated surgeries that don’t work with stretchy connective tissue.
• I started my journey with really strong muscles that have held me together for longer than many other people with Ehlers-Danlos.
• I am willing to try new things to get better.
• I have an absolutely amazing chiropractor (Uncle Wayne) who is walking this path with me and helping me navigate the healing process.
• I have really, really good days when nothing at all seems wrong with me and I am able to get quite a bit done on those days.
• I have older children who can do a lot of the cooking and cleaning in our home and little ones who are resilient and have been blessed to deal with having partially non-functioning mother for the past fifteen months.
• I have received numerous priesthood blessings that have given me peace and healing.
• I have been able to keep teaching gymnastics with A LOT of help from my assistants and a lot of patience on the part of my students.
• I have an amazing life. A really amazing life. A life full of love and fun and service and growth and opportunities and support and good food and laughter and hugs and faith and adventures.

I am so blessed. And so today while I am hurting I am going to choose to focus on the blessings and once again, let the anger go.

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genealogy – i am doing it

Mar 27, 2013 by tracy

It has been one year since our trip to Utah in the invalid mobile. Kat and Jessica made that trip one hilarious adventure after another. Doctor’s visits, MRIs, little teeny-tiny needles that are used on babies and yet still freaked me out, hospital gowns, a full-rainstorm of tears over delicious Thai food, puddles of urine all over my mattress and my valiant friends trying to change my clothes, mooning Roy, UT (completely on accident, of course), sheer terror on my part being overcome by the love, support, and courage of my friends, and a million miracles all orchestrated by God.

One year today.

It has been an amazing year. I am deeply grateful for the experiences I have had since that day. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for the guidance of the Spirit and the care of my Savior. I am grateful to God for the blessings he has poured out upon me. I am grateful to my husband for his unwavering support, never-ending patience, and tender care of my aching body. I am grateful for an army of friends who have prayed, cooked, cleaned, hugged, smiled, cheered, laughed, cried, and carried me through this year. I wish every suffering person could have a battalion of my friends.

One year ago today Jessica’s father gave me a powerful priesthood blessing. I was sure he would deliver words of healing to my soul. Promises of a full recovery for my hip injury. Relief from the immense pain I was in. But he didn’t. God had a different message for me.

I was commanded to find my family and help them by doing their temple work. At the time I didn’t even know I had family that needed their work done and did not even identify my father’s family as my family. They were complete strangers to me and I had no interest in them and could not comprehend they had an interest in me. In that blessing I was told they are watching, waiting, and praying for me. I was told they love me. I had a very hard time believing those words at the time, but now I know they are true. I know that many of these ancestors have guided me to find themselves and their loved ones. I know many of them have had hard lives of pain and struggle and that these ordinances are providing a way for them to learn and grow in their relationship with their Savior. I know that as I continue to pray for them that their hearts will be changed and they will find healing and peace through the ordinances of the temple.

So how has this all worked out? Well, it took me over two weeks to decide to be obedient. At the time I didn’t want to do it. It was very difficult for me to accept that God had called me to something so big because that meant I had to accept on a deeper level than I ever had before that He loved me and could ask me to do a very specific thing for Him. I had to take His love into my heart and allow it to change my heart. I didn’t want to change. I felt just fine as I was. I also didn’t know the first thing about doing genealogy and I didn’t want to learn. I wanted my hip to be healed and to be free to do what I wanted to do. I wanted to run and jump and play and stop hurting. Perhaps the biggest thing feeding my reluctance is I had a sense of just how huge this undertaking would be. I could feel the weight of it settling down on me and I could not comprehend how I could do something so big. I knew I didn’t have the time, the skills, or the love to do it.

So, I hemmed and hawed. I cried a lot. But on April 15, after many days of delay, I started. That first day was frustrating. I couldn’t figure out how to do anything. I read outdated instructions on the internet about floppy disks and pedigree charts and about screamed in frustration that genealogy was living in the dark ages. I called my mom and ranted. She told me to call my Aunt Louise and find out how to start. Well, Louise was super helpful and explained everything and off to the races I went. Many hours later I had 30 people entered into my tree and was on fire with how exciting it all was. The first person I found was Sallie, my father’s grandma. I fell in love with Sallie. I even found her last living daughter through one of those people-search sites and called her up. Of course she had no idea who I was, but it was wonderful to ask her questions about Sallie and her family and get a little sense of who these people are.

The next morning my eyes popped open at 6:00 (which is a huge anomoly – I am NOT a morning person) and I opened my iPad and got right to work again. I did a google search for the next person on my list and was given a link to RootsWeb. I clicked on it and found all sorts of information about my ancestor. I clicked around some more and kept seeing this woman’s name, Rosalie, with her contact information, so I wrote to her. It turns out she is a genealogist and had been researching her family for the past thirty plus years. She is related to me on both sides of my father’s line and so all her research is the same research I needed to do, but it was already done! We have been talking and sharing information ever since and have made some amazing discoveries together.

Since then I have kept working on my family tree and my life has changed a lot. I shifted gears and it has taken some time to figure out how to balance wifehood, motherhood, friendhood, laundryhood, and all the other hoods of my life (who am I kidding, I haven’t even begun to find balance yet, it is still pretty much all-consuming!). I have added thousands of people, witnessed many miracles, received guidance from both the Holy Ghost and these ancestors, and invited many people to do ordinance work at the temple for my family.

If you are not LDS, you are probably wondering what ordinance work is…well, let me explain. When an adult is ready to make covenants with Heavenly Father, they go to the temple and receive their endowment, which is a gift from our Father to allow us to enter into covenant with Him and receive spiritual help for our journey back to Him. You can read more about it here. After we have made these covenants for ourselves, we can then stand in place of our deceased ancestors and make the same covenants for them. We believe these ancestors are then able to accept the covenants and receive the blessings of being in a covenant relationship with God and the spiritual help it bestows or choose to not accept the covenants. They are not at all bound by what we do here. It is a gift we can give them and they are completely free to partake of the gift or not. When we go to the temple for our ancestors, there are six different ordinances to do. Baptism, confirmation of the Holy Ghost, initiatory, endowment, sealing to parents, and sealing to spouse. Once our youth are twelve years old, they can participate in baptisms and confirmations and my girls and their friends go to the temple about once a week to do so. Only adults can do the last four ordinances and so I have enlisted many friends, family, and ward members to help me. In the past year we have done thousands and thousands of ordinances. It has been an amazing experience, far more precious than I can describe in a blog post.

Now it has been one year since God invited me on this path with Him and I am pleased with my work. I have done what He asked me to do. To me, that is huge. I am often not that great at being the most dependable person, my house is not organized or well-run, I lose papers all the time, I lock myself out of my car, and I am often late to appointments. But I have done this. I have stuck with it. I have put thousands of hours into this endeavor. I have not given up. Most of all, I have changed. My heart has been softened and been filled with love for these people I have never met in this life.

Today twenty to thirty of my friends will be joining me in the temple to do the sealing ordinances for hundreds of my family members. We will be giving them the opportunity to be joined together for eternity as husband and wife and parent and child. It is the crowning jewel of all the ordinances because it allows a family to be together forever.

I am so excited. I almost can’t breathe with all the anticipation that has been building inside me.

If any of you local friends would like to join us, please do! Email me and we will get it all figured out.

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the answer came

Mar 17, 2013 by tracy

I love my Blythe so much.

So, so much.

But sometimes I forget how much.

Sometimes I treat her like my enemy.

Sometimes I want to give up on being her mama.

Sometimes I want to run away and scream and cry and rage because I cannot figure out how to show her I love her and treat her like I love her and be with her like I love her.

Sometimes I want to cry.

And sometimes I do.

Today at church I cried while I partook of the Sacrament. I poured my heart out to God and asked Him to please help me mother her. To please help me remember how much I love her. To please help me treat her like I love her. To please help me see her as He sees her.

Please, I pleaded. Please.

Then tonight I was working on my genealogy like I normally do on Sunday nights and was playing one of my favorite CD’s, Women of Destiny Volume 2 (Volume 1 is also fabulous) and a song came on that I have probably heard one hundred times.

But tonight I listened. Tonight it reached into my soul and said “This is your answer. This is how I will help you to treat her like you love her.”

And I cried some more.

It shouldn’t be this hard to treat another human being, especially my own daughter, as a child of God. And yet, it is. It is nearly impossible for me to stay in a place of love with her.

But tonight God spoke to me and told me to listen to this song. So I am going to pay attention.

I think I will listen every day.

Some Other Time

By Tyler Castleton

Do you remember when you used to hold her?
How nothing seemed to matter when you held her in your arms?
The memory is fading in the rush of here and now.
It all gets lost somehow.

Do you remember just how much you love her?
How you could hardly bear to see her all alone?
The silent bedtime stories and forgotten nursery rhymes.
Moments you’re sure you’ll find, some other time.

Every chance to love her you save for other days.
The promises you make a child will never go away.

You watch her slowly growing older.
You see her taking footsteps you thought were years away.
And every day you’re farther from what really matters most.
When all you’ll ever need is little arms to hold you close.

Will you learn what love’s about?
Can you still remember now?
You will find this truth somehow.

Some other time is now.

I have such a short time left with her in my home. I must remember how much I love her and what a gift she is to my life. I must treat her as the precious child of God she is. I want to see her as God sees her and help her see that divine creation as well.

Thank you Heavenly Father for answering my heartfelt prayer and giving me a custom-designed answer. It is just what I needed.

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cinderella: the trip

Mar 4, 2013 by tracy

Friday night was the fulfillment of a dream for my Blythie. She has dreamed of becoming a ballerina for pretty much her whole life. I have never been able to make ballet classes happen for her until this year…and now she is in whole-hog. She dances for two hours a night, three nights a week. It has overtaken our life and has been an amazing experience to see her progress so quickly. She was moved into the advanced class after three short weeks in the beginning class and was invited to go on pointe soon after that. However, we were hesitant to allow her to do so and wanted her muscles and ligaments to have more time to strengthen before we allowed her to walk around on her toes. Her Christmas presents this year were The Barefoot Book of Ballet Stories, a gift certificate for pointe shoes, and a gift certificate to see Ballet West perform Cinderella.

Well, Friday night was the night for the ballet in the big city. Her friend Madison received the Ballet West trip for Christmas as well and both Madi and Blythe allowed Keziah and her friend, Courtney to attend with them. We left gym a little bit early and drove the 3+ hours down to Salt Lake City and met my mom, Mikelle, Easton, and Oaklyn for dinner at our favorite place, The Old Spaghetti Factory. Then we rushed over to The Capitol Theater for the ballet. What an experience! People were in fancy-schmancy fur coats and elaborate evening gowns. The girls’ eyes looked to be popping out of their heads as they looked at all the beautiful architectural designs throughout the building. The ballet was so lovely…hilarious and inspiring and beautiful all at the same time. My favorite part was listening to them shriek with amazement at the different moves they were seeing because through the last six months of classes, they have learned how difficult those moves really are.

We only had Keziah’s little camera with us and the lighting was terrible, so these pictures aren’t the best, but they will have to do.

Staring at the Ballet West sign

The artwork alley right outside Ballet West – Courtney is a little bit of a goofball sometimes..

Posing in the Capital Theater.

A fancy chair in the balcony, terrible lighting, but they loved this set-up.

On the staircase.

They are a lil’ bit excited.

They died over the ceiling and chandelier.

The next day a massive snowstorm hit Salt Lake City and we drove very slowly to the Salt Lake Temple and spent several hours there doing baptisms for my ancestors. It was such a lovely experience. I met a wonderful woman who I am sure is going to become a dear friend and loved spending time with all four of “my girls” in the place I love best.

After we finished at the temple I took the girls to Gardner Village. I haven’t been there since I was a young lass and it was so fun to introduce these girls to the special shops that I fell in love with long ago. The quilt shop was full of fun sayings that I want to stitch up and put all over my house. Don’t you love these:

Cinderella is proof that a pair of shoes can change your life.

Or how about…

The roots of a family tree begin with two hearts aflutter.

And I love this one…

It takes each of us to make a difference for all of us.

I think this needs to be shouted from the rooftops…

Love isn’t something you fall into . . . it’s something you grow forever.

This was on a quilted wall-hanging that I wanted to bring right home with me.

To capture a miracle, you must first believe.

This one was in the antique shop on the back of a church pew. Mother Teresa is full of win.

There is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

And I think Jennifer needs to hang this on her wall outside her awesome sewing room.

Welcome To Our Sewcial Lounge

The girls went from store to store trying on scarves and shoes. They fell in love with these shoes.

And these ones.

And especially these ones.

I’m not at all sure if Courtney liked these glasses or not.

But I think she loves this pillow.

I don’t think the girls were supposed to make themselves at home on the beds and couches, but they right comfy, don’t they?

What was Madi doing?

Was she really this tired?

Courtney got back into the swing of things. Here is she kicking up her heels.

This store had awesome lacy, ruffle shirts on clearance for $5.99. Of course, we all had to stock up. And I’m pretty sure Kez and Court spent some time at that fudge shop in the back.

They got a huge kick out of the ducks wandering the premises.

Especially this one with a “hat” on his head.

I went to the Storybook shop and used my 25% off coupon to get Tell Me A Story Cards. Goodness, these are fun! They are similar to the Story Cubes I used last year in Zing!, my writing class, but tons better, especially for the younger set. You lay out the lovely picture and then create a fairy tale to go with the pictures. We are loving these! I couldn’t resist this Mix & Match 1-2-3: A Touch and Trace Counting Book. Annesley and I have had a blast counting planes, trains, and teddys. She loves making sure all four quarter-pages match. I love the traceable numbers, dots in sets of five, and the engaging activities.

After the fun at Gardner Village, we rushed over to Hale Centre Theatre for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It was FANTABULOUS! If you are anywhere near Utah, go to this show! We laughed so hard at the actor’s antics. A trip to Hale wasn’t in our plans this time, but thanks to half-price tickets and a last-minute cancellation by one of their season ticket holders, we were able to get in off the waiting list. Hint: just because a show says sold out online doesn’t mean it is so. It just means there are less than twenty seats available. Call anyway!

When we got out of the play at 7 p.m., we found a wet, messy, blizzard had taken over the roads. Everything was so, so slick and cars were off the road all over the place. We made the choice to stay over another night to avoid driving home in pure craziness. We headed back to Jessica’s parents for another night in their home full of love and I think this time the girls got some sleep. We were up early the next morning to head up to Idaho in time for church, but we still didn’t make it. I arrived in the nick of time to teach my Relief Society lesson on faith, but the other girls missed their meetings. Drat it all!

What a fun, fun trip! I love taking these girls on adventures and am so grateful their families are willing to let me steal them every now and again for these magical experiences. I am grateful to have daughters that love theater, culture, the temple, and spending time with me. I am so blessed.

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one year later and wiser, too

Feb 25, 2013 by tracy

Wednesday, February 20 marked the one year anniversary of my labral tear (if you would like to read the whole story of my injury, here is the archive of all the hip posts). I wanted to commemorate this time…I needed to commemorate this time to bring me some sort of okay-ness about having a whole year pass by and me still being injured. For the past week or more I had been living in a deep, dark hole of despair that year after year after year will pass by and I will continue to have hip pain, continue to be unable to do the things I yearn to do, and continue to be unable to have a baby.

So, on Tuesday I made a decision to cut my hair. If I was feeling frumpy and grumpy, I figured, at least I could look cute on the outside. Then I decided to throw a Hippie Party for myself and as many friends as could come. Then I decided to attend the temple.

All good choices, but I couldn’t figure out how on earth I would have the energy for all of them. Somehow it all worked out. Tuesday I was able to get in with my friend Becky’s stylist at the very last minute and she did a great job cutting my hair while I propped myself up in her chair on two large pillows. Wednesday I attended the temple and had a precious experience with the Lord. Thursday a whole gang of hippies devoured seven PARTY size gator bites.

It was exactly what I needed. I needed to tame my hair, re-covenant with the Lord that I was still committed to doing the work He has asked me to do with my ancestors, and laugh myself silly with my friends.

I am feeling much more at peace about being at the year mark and still being injured. I am learning to accept that this may be my life. I may always have this hip injury and the resulting pain and inability to do all the things I want. I am not thrilled at that idea, but I am learning to have some measure of peace about it.

I have learned a lot over the past year. Lessons I want to remember forever…lessons I don’t want to try to remember, but instead hope they have become part of my soul and will serve me for the rest of my life.

• God knows me.
• God loves me.
• My Richard is full of love for me and will do anything to help me.
• My children are strong.
• Pain is a humbling affliction.
• Pain turns me to the Lord.
• Pain gets really old, really quick, changes perceptions and behaviors, and I need to have compassion on others who are hurting, physically or spiritually.
• Laughter is good for my soul.
• We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
• God can heal me. My job is to trust Him.
• My ancestors know me.
• My ancestors love me.
• My family of aunts, uncles, and cousins is amazing and full of support and love for me.
• Healing is a process, both physically and spiritually.
• The power of God is real.
• Priesthood blessings can and do work miracles.
• My support network of friends and family is absolutely wonderful. When I think back on the past year of service I have been given I am completely overwhelmed with tears of gratitude. I have been fed, clothed, driven, held, prayed for, loved, cleaned for, hugged, and anything else I have needed for the past twelve months. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Every single act of kindness has been recorded in my heart and has got me through many dark days.
• Immersing myself in the word of God brings peace.
• Spending time in the temple brings joy.
• Reality is not always what it seems to be.
• Some things are unexplainable with our mortal minds.
• Miracles happen. Daily.
• Clean sheets can transform me.
• Life goes on in spite of what is going on in my individual life.
• Little things make a big difference in my ability to cope. I want to be one of those little things for others who are struggling to cope as well.
• Jesus’ atonement is the only thing I really, really need. Coming to depend solely on Him is what I am here to learn.
• The covenants made in the house of the Lord change souls.
• Love always wins.
• God is teaching me and will continue to do so so I can grow in His ways.
• Living in the moment is a much better plan than living in fear of the future.
• There are seasons in our lives. I can learn and grow in each season of my life instead of wishing to be in a different season.
• Teaching my children is a precious stewardship.
• My marriage is a gift from God and I need to treat it as such. Richard is such a special treasure and I am blessed beyond measure to have him as my eternal companion. His love for me has created in me a new being and enabled me to fully trust God and give Him my heart.

Now for some pictures from our awesome Hippie Party. Everyone dressed up as a hippie (except for Joy, who is dressed up as a Scout, having rushed over from Den Meeting!) wrote on my poster board, laughed hysterically at the memories of this past year, and ate loads of delicious gator bites (little potatoes cooked in some secret manner and covered in cheese AND bacon – I don’t eat pork, but on gator bites I thoroughly enjoy the bacon – and then dipped in gator sauce). So much fun! Every time Kat and Jessica share the pee incident on the MRI trip, I die laughing. They are so, so funny. Now, these pictures are pretty funny…please laugh and give yourself a little joy. And yes, I know I look ridiculous…and my shirt makes me look pregnant…or maybe I have really gained that much weight in the past year…who knows?

Yes, it is blurry, but I love it so much. Kat and Jessica are dying that I am so loud and flamboyant.

A lot of our group, but not all…

Sherry

Gary and Kari (if you are local and need your car cleaned, Gary is amaze-balls!

Just ignore all those red eyes, I will fix them later…I love this photo of Sarah, Kat, Jess, Amy, and moi.

Jess and Amy

Everyone wrote love notes to me – thank you, your words bring me so much joy! Yes, I have awesome friends…

Then Keri gave me the most beautiful green (my favorite color of the moment) wooden bowl that her husband made. She shared some lovely thoughts with me about knots and nots and strength and beauty and filled my soul with her wisdom. I could listen to Keri and her heart-shaped words every single day.

Ready for the superhero moment? Some secret someone stole my bill for the seven party-size gator bites and PAID for them all! How fun is that! Whoever you are, THANK YOU! You totally made my night!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me this year. Thank you for your prayers, your time, and most of all, your hearts. I don’t think I could have gotten through this year without everyone’s love – it has made all the difference.

I love you all!

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347 days

Feb 2, 2013 by tracy

Yesterday I typed up a really long post about the last few days and the roller coaster of emotions and physical symptoms I am on…but I lost it somehow and I don’t have it in me to retype it all.

To sum it up, YUCK.

Yucky emotions, yucky physical symptoms, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Tonight is the last night of Blythe’s play and I was fairly determined to go, but when Richard got home to take the little children, we decided I shouldn’t try. I would have to stand up the whole time because this week’s play is in a theater with theatre seats with no way for me to lie down. He was worried it would wear me right out and make it impossible for me to go to iFamily next week. He is probably right, but I am so disappointed. I hope someday when Blythe is a mother herself, she will understand that I would have been there if I possibly could have been. I hope she will know deep in her heart that I missed her performances only because my body is failing me and that it has nothing to do with her or how much I love her.

I know this isn’t the worst thing in the world. I know I am richly blessed. I know God is teaching me. And I am grateful. Grateful for a husband that considers it a privilege to love me and take care of me. Grateful for four beautiful children that love the Lord and have weathered this storm remarkably well. Grateful for parents that love me. Grateful for friends who have given and given and given. Grateful for a church community that cares about me. Grateful for my amazing homeschooling community that has helped me care for my children for the past year. Grateful for family history work that has given me purpose and drive to wake up each day. Grateful for my Savior who is walking this path with me and sends me love notes on a regular basis. So, so grateful.

Today is February 2nd. My great-grandfather’s birthday. He lived to be 103 and lived on his own till he was 99. I want to live with the same courage, faith, and good-humor that he blessed all of us with. I want to develop his love for the Savior. I want to live to be 103!

February 2nd means it is February. One year since I injured my hip. One year of pain, frustration, tears, service beyond compare, love, miracles, the outpouring of the Spirit, and humbling.

One year.

Can I be healed now?

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james 5:14-15

Jan 29, 2013 by tracy

Today has been a rough day. Last week my heart started racing every time I stood up. Pounding and racing so much that I have been getting a tad concerned. Richard has been quite a bit more than a tad concerned. He has done energy work on me each night when he gets home and it has helped, but it has still been racing. On Sunday my arms and legs all went numb for over an hour while he was gone to church and they have continued to go numb each time I lay down. So laying down I would have numb appendages and standing up my heart would pound and work so, so hard. I had no idea what to do help my body calm down. I called Jessica in a panic when my heart was racing and I was completely out of breath from a short walk up the stairs and she didn’t know what to make of it either. Today it went from 60 – 65 bpm laying down to 120 bpm standing up. My head would fill with pressure and my arms ached with the blood flow through them. It was absolutely bizarre. I stayed down for several hours this afternoon surmising that I had simply overdone it yesterday and needed to rest. But as soon as I got up this evening, my heart shot right back up to 120 bpm. I realized that there was no way I would be able to make it to iFamily tomorrow. No way I could fix this.

So I prayed.

Then I asked for a blessing.

And even though I know my God is a God of miracles, He never ceases to amaze me with His power, His goodness, and His love.

Because right now I feel better than I have in the past three weeks. I have great faith that God can heal me, in fact, I am quite convinced that He is the only one who can. My body is a baffling pile of mush to most doctors, but God knows how to fix me and tonight He showed me, once again, that He will.

Thank you, Father.

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my cup overfloweth

Jan 27, 2013 by tracy

I don’t think my heart can hold any more gratitude…there is so much love in this world and I know we are being held in His hands.

Several ladies in my ward have been bringing in meals this week and although I was mortified at the thought, I finally consented to the plan and have been so grateful for each meal as it relieves the burden of cooking dinner from Richard. He and Keziah are working so hard to keep this house running that the blessing of dinner is a huge blessing indeed.

Blythe’s play has been this week and my homeschooling community has taken care of us. They completely took over my duties as Concessions Manager and while I missed selling yummy food and earning money for the acting troupe, I am so grateful that Annette (and many others!) volunteered to take over for me.

I have been unable to attend her play and have stayed in bed each night while my family has attended. Those have been long, lonely, discouraging nights. I was determined to attend the final night and did everything I could to be as strong as possible so I could. I stayed down all day and spent hours making ghost suckers for concessions. I got out of bed about 5:30 to get dressed and make myself presentable for the public. I was feeling strong and thought attending the play would be no problem at all. I was able to walk out to the waiting car with no problems and was so happy to be feeling so great and clear-headed. Then the car got stuck on my road and I could see we were going to be late. I nearly fell into a downward spiral of anger that I was going to miss the opening scenes, but somehow I was able to let it go and give it to God. I quickly called Heather, the director of the play and told her what was going on. I asked her to not rush the start of the play and that I was on my way. The whole way to the play I was still feeling strong. When we arrived and I got out to walk, I started feeling like I was going to pass out and barely made it in the door. The director was on the stage welcoming everyone and I cheered in my heart that I had made it in time, but it was taking everything I had to make it to my seats without falling over. Everyone said I was white as could be. I made it to the front row which had been saved for me to lay down on and collapsed onto the chairs while my head swam away from me once again. As I laid there, Heather prayed for me and thanked The Lord for bringing me there. Oh, the tears that flowed. Oh, the gratitude for the love that was shown to me. I can’t even describe it, my heart was so full.

After all of that, the play was fabulous. Heather wrote The Canterville Ghost based on the short story by Oscar Wilde and transformed it into a beautiful story full of humor and redemption through Christ. I loved it and was so, so grateful to be able to attend.

Afterwards, I needed to go to the restroom and Richard walked me back. Unfortuntately, I lost all my color again and started shaking. I thought we were all done with the shaking and was (and am!) quite frustrated that it flared up again. I really don’t know what to think and am so tired of people wanting answers that fit into a nice little box. Right now I don’t have answers. I am trying to get through each day the best I can.

Leaving frustrations aside, let’s move back to the gratitude.

One of the biggest lessons of my life in the past several years has been the continuous message from God that we are in His keeping. He shows us again and again in both small and dramatic ways that He is taking care of us. He is teaching us to fully depend on Him and to give Him our whole hearts. Another example of this is our recent car accident.

Richard was hit, head-on, in our brand-new-to-us 1998 Subaru Forester on the day after we registered it. It was completely totaled. I have been worried sick about the financial end of things. We had a loan for $4300 on it and the bank had told us just a few short days before the accident that the absolute most it was worth was $3800, but they would loan for the full amount and recommended we get gap insurance. Heavens no, we said, we are not paying for insurance we will never need. Then he was hit by someone running a red light and there went our brand new car that was going to save us a gazillion dollars in gas and give Blythe something safe to drive. Well, I knew this was going to cost us at least $1000 and probably more. Do the math. The most the bank said it was worth was $3800, minus our $500 deductible, and the most we will get is $3300. And what are the chances the insurance company will say it is worth as much as the bank says it is worth? These were the thoughts swirling around in my head for the past week. Add to that my worry over the IV’s at $180 a pop and the small fortune we have spent on Magnesium, Chlorophyll, doctor’s appointments, and blood draws and I have been in financial panic. Our budget has very little wiggle room on a good month, so I had no idea how any of this was going to work out and was about to lose my mind over the whole thing.

Well, on the way home from getting another IV on Thursday, State Farm called and said there is no way the car could be repaired. They laughed at me when I begged and begged and begged to not declare it a total loss. But then the good news came. They said they decided the value was $4500 and some change and then ADDED on the taxes, title, and registration fees we had paid the night before the accident, which took the value to $4818.85. They said they would be sending $4313.36 to the bank and sending us a check for $5.49. I about died. I have no clue how Heavenly Father worked that miracle out, but I have no doubt that He did.

The lovely State Farm adjustor then said, “Tracy I know you wish Richard had been driving your little Nissan, but after looking at these photos I have to tell you I think he would have been quite injured if he had been. The stronger frame of the Subaru protected him and you should be thankful he was in the car he was in. I think we would be in whole different situation if he had been in the Sentra.”

Hmmm, what a wake-up call. Grateful my dream car is crunched? Grateful? Well, yes, now I actually am grateful because my husband is healthy and whole and I have my dream car to thank for that.

There is more on my gratitude list. Much more. One of the things is a printer-angel. Some lovely anonymous angel slipped Keziah some money on Tuesday at the play to help us get a new printer. We have been without one since August and I have pretty much gone bonkers at having to run to the copy shop for every little print job. Well, the printer is here AND set up AND works with our dying router AND is simply amazing. It took all of five minutes to set up and start printing. Last night I printed genealogy stuff from my iPad from my bed and it duplexed everything automatically. It is fast and effortless and I want to shout from the sky its praises! What a dream come true!

Ready for more gratitude? My Gym Assistants have done a wonderful job teaching my classes for the past three weeks, a friend did some grocery shopping for me last night, another friend brought flowers that I get to look at every day and remember the sunny days of summer, Richard is letting me eat popcorn again, another friend let us borrow her Ticket To Ride game and the children have been loving it, Fisher found his missing glasses, a gazillion people have given my children rides to their activities, and God is helping me be loving and patient (I’m not always succeeding, but with His help, I am improving).

This is hard. Really hard. But my heart is full of gratitude and awe at the miracles God is working in our lives. He knows us. He loves us. He is with us. Of these things, I am sure.

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the tempest is raging

Jan 16, 2013 by tracy

 

Calm seas do not make good sailors.

 

I need to emblazon this on my heart because I am in anything but a calm sea. Um, more like a tempest at the moment.

Richard was in a car accident tonight. Again. Remember 2010 when he was hit three times? February, December, and December? Tonight he was hit in our brand-new-to-us-Subara-dream-car-that-is-fourteen-years-old. We just titled it yesterday. I rode in it for the first time this morning on my way to get my blood drawn for a whole gob of tests to be run. The car that I have researched to death and price compared for the past five months on Craigslist and ksl.com. The car that has a brand new engine, brand new transmission, brand new gazillion other things and will go another 300K miles. The car that doesn’t slide an inch on these icy roads. The car that would be super safe for Blythe to drive. The car that was going to save me a gazillion dollars in gas when I drive my children to iFamily, ballet, seminary and Scouts. The small car that my hip was actually okay in. The car I have been over-the-moon about.

Oh, the frustration over the whole thing. Thank goodness it is being tempered by gratitude. Richard is safe. He is alive and he is well. He is sore and his belly and chest are beat up from the airbag, but he is doing fabulously well tonight. He was given a beautiful Priesthood blessing that told him his Father in Heaven is grateful for the work he is doing with his family and his clients and it was just what he needed to hear. He was blessed with an extra measure of patience and an ability to get done all that is demanded of him. Trust me, he needs all those things right now. So, so much.

While all of this was going on, Fisher was in the bathroom puking his guts out. I was in bed unable to help him and Annesley was being Annesley…dancing around the house in a ball-gown full of her usual silliness.

I had a blood draw this morning and have been pretty weak all day. Then I had an IV this afternoon and while my brain feels clearer, my body is exhausted by the two trips into town. Thank goodness for Jen and Jessica entertaining me while the precious vitamins and minerals dripped into my vein. I think I would go nutso there all by myself!

When Richard called, a million tender mercies fell into place. I called Kat and told her what street Richard was on and to please quickly go find him, meanwhile Fisher was throwing up and my big girls were rushing out the door to ballet. I was trying to eat the delicious Asian Stir-Fry dish my friend Vanessa brought over, call the insurance company, cancel colloquia, holler to Annesley to help Fisher with his puking, and trying to stop my own crying, none of which I was succeeding at, when two of the ladies showed up for our book discussion having no idea I had just cancelled it thirty minutes prior. Two of the ladies my children love the most. Amy and Sheri took right over with Fisher and let me cry my little eyes out. Sheri is one of the few people in the world that Fisher would have let help him because he loves her and trusts her. She has never come to colloquia, but tonight she did and instead of discussing a book was able to help my suddenly-very-sick little boy. They quickly made phone calls to Amy’s husband to come over and give Richard a blessing. Kat showed up with my sweetie safe and sound and I thought my heart would burst at seeing him walk into our bedroom. I love this man so deeply. I love him and am overwhelmed by how many times he has been hit by other drivers running red lights. I am so, so grateful for the protecting angels that surround him. When I saw him, I wanted to jump into his arms, but instead I reached out to him with my fingers and handed him my amazing Asian Stir-Fry. That is true love, my friends, true love.

Earlier today, my friends, Tamia and Paula, came and cleaned my house from top to bottom AND took my piles of laundry home with them. When I got home from the IV and saw what they had done I was mortified, but now I am just filled with gratitude at their kindness. Filled to the brim that they would march right into my home and see what needed done and then do it. I want to be that kind of woman. My mirrors have never sparkled so much. Those two are so full of awesome I can’t even begin to describe it.

Annesley has been throwing up for days, then tonight Fisher started. Then at 9:30, Keziah walked in from ballet and threw up as well. Oh, my goodness! Can all this throwing up stop! Or at least not make it to me? So house cleaning and laundry is a huge gift because I don’t think Keziah is going to be up to it tomorrow and while I am getting stronger after the craziness of last week, I am certainly not up to snuff yet.

I don’t know how or why so many things keep going so abysmally wrong, but I am grateful for all the miracles of my life. All the tender mercies. All the protecting angels. All the cleaning, cooking, and catching hands that continue to bless me.

Thank you God, thank you angels – both in heaven and on earth. You are amazing.

Going to go and try to massage my husband’s back. He is getting a bit sore now and his back has a big, red, angry area above his left hip. Giving him a massage is the least I can do…and thanks to today’s IV I think I can.

p.s. Thanks Jen for the quote at the top. I needed to hear it tonight and after you shared it with me I decided I needed to write about the events of this day. My brain processes things best as I write about them…and I needed the therapy pretty badly tonight.

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what a crazy ride

Jan 11, 2013 by tracy

I don’t know what to say. My mind is finally present enough for me to post, but boy howdy, what do I say?

I have been on a roller coaster for the past several days and while it seems the ride is slowing down, I am definitely still on it.

My Prolozone injections went really well on Tuesday. There was less pain than ever before and I was able to get off the table and actually help Kat get me dressed. I walked, quite normally, out to the front desk with a smile on my face, which is a completely foreign occurance. Usually I am in so much pain that I am holding on to someone and inching gingerly along and I am doing anything but smiling. I started to pay my bill and Kat says I put my head down and started looking really strange. They immediately called Kim, my nurse, and she came rushing to my side. I could hear her talking to me about opening my mouth, but I couldn’t open my eyes or respond in any way to her. Then I collapsed to the floor. Kat and Kim caught me and fixed my legs so my hip joint wasn’t all wonky. They tell me I was out for quite a while and people were monitoring my blood pressure, pulse, and other vitals. I finally came to and was pretty shocked to be on the floor surrounded by people.

Then I passed out again.

And again.

And again.

A long while later I was able to be lifted into a wheelchair and taken to an exam room. After resting for about an hour I was able to walk out of the office, get in the van, and start heading home. I was doing really well. I was able to talk and gesticulate and think. When I got home, Kat situated me on the couch with my ice packs and I was able to say hello to my children and tell the girls to make dinner. My hip was sore, but I was doing better than I ever had done before after injections.

The girls left for mutual and then the trouble started all over again, except this time there was a new symptom, shaking. My whole body would start shaking and then everything would go limp and I would pass out. This happened over and over and over all night long.

The next day I felt really well. My friend Jen came over to get my children registered for their iFamily classes and to take care of me. I had about 1.5 good hours where I was able to communicate, then I got up to the bathroom and passed out. As I laid on the floor with Jen, the shaking episodes started again and didn’t stop. Around this time we determined they were really seizures. Poor Jen, she had this seizing, unconscious woman on her hands and nothing she could do to fix it.

When Jen and Blythe got me back in bed we were able to make a plan to get a massive infusion of iron, magnesium, potassium, B-vitamins and a gob of other yummy nutrients. Jen made some phone calls, got it all worked out and then I rested and passed out and rested and passed out. When it was time to go, I hobbled with Jen out to the front room and was feeling super proud of myself. Then I crashed to the floor again and seized and passed out. Eric and Jess walked in right then and Eric scooped me up in his manly arms and carried me out to the car like a little baby.

On the way to the doctor I had many more passing out episodes, but somehow they got me in the office and on the exam table. I had another seizure right after we arrived and I was scared to death they were going to give up on me all together and send me across the street to the emergency room. I am not a huge fan of modern medicine and REALLY not a fan of emergency room care unless you are bleeding profusely or your heart is stopped.

The doctor came in and I fell in love with him. He was funny, personable, knowledgeable, and not freaked out by the seizures or passing out. He listened to my little voice tell him the whole story, checked out my body, declared I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome (more on that later, but here is some reading you can do now that basically sums up my entire life) which I have long suspected might be at the root of my problems.

He figured out the cocktail for my IV and started it right up. Let me tell you, my needle phobia is gone. I didn’t freak out at all about the IV. In my pre-injection life, I would have gone into a full-blown freak out over an IV needle, now it was not a deal in the slightest.

Then I laid there and let the vitamins and minerals drip into my vein. About half-way through (or sooner? What say ye Jess and Jen?) I stopped having seizures and passing out episodes. Jen was able to feed me and I was feeling much better. On the drive home I was able to talk and I called my mom and talked to her for the first time since the whole situation began. She was quite relieved to hear my voice and I was thrilled to be functioning enough to talk on the phone. The whole way home I did really well. I was able to talk and understand everything my friends were saying.

When we got home I started to get out of the car and lost all the color in my face so they got me back in and let me rest while we waited for Richard to get home and get me in the house. Fifteen minutes later he arrived and commented on how good I looked. As I got out of the car for the second time I immediately passed out and collapsed into the snow. They tell me it took five of them to carry me in the house and get me into bed. Then I had another seizure and passed out again. I don’t think I had anymore seizures after that, but I did pass out a few times that night.

Thursday morning I felt totally different. SO MUCH BETTER. I was able to walk to the bathroom by myself with Richard right next to me and after much pleading he let me take a bath while he knelt right by me. I was able to stay coherent for pretty much the whole day and the best part of all is I didn’t shake OR pass out. BANNER DAY!

Friday I continued to improve and didn’t have any more episodes although I still feel really weak whenever I have to get up to use the bathroom and it takes me awhile to recover from the exertion of walking the fifteen or so steps. Friends have been here around the clock to babysit me and walk me to the bathroom, give me all my supplements, and be all around super heroes. I have no idea how we would have survived the past many days without my amazing friends. Not only have I been given top-notch care, my children have been taken care of, meals brought in, yummy treats dropped off, and piles of love have been poured out on all of us.

It looks like I am severely depleted in iron and magnesium so we are doing everything we can to raise those levels. It seems to be working as I am no longer collapsing to the floor on a regular basis. I will get another IV infusion in a few days and am looking forward to improving even more.

In the meantime I keep swinging from being completely full of gratitude for all the amazing events of this week and really of my whole life, to falling apart and letting the fear in and getting discouraged under the weight of it all.

What a journey. Thank you to everyone who has prayed, loved, served, caught, cried, cooked, or cleaned for me this week. You are all amazing.

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maybe

Jan 5, 2013 by tracy

This is not a complaining post. It is a pondering post.

Yesterday at gym I felt great. Strong. Capable. I ran with the kids and did forward rolls with no problems. I jumped and danced and laughed and had a wonderful time. I still can’t walk well on the balance beam and when I went up on my tippy toes I fell off, but that is to be expected. My whole center of gravity is in my pelvis and my pelvis isn’t in the best structural condition. I felt so good I did a cartwheel. It pulled on the hip socket just the teensiest bit. A few hours later I did another one and it didn’t hurt at all.

Then I started to drive home. Stabbing pain. It felt like my hip socket had been stitched up with thread and someone was using a seam ripper to yank the threads out. Throughout the night the pain increased and my whole hip and thigh area ached. I drove out to a going away party for my friend, Liz (who is off to an adventure to Russia!), and the stabbing was awful. Just awful. I ended up lying down and giving in to a few tears while we talked the night away.

I don’t know what to think. How am I to know what I can and can’t do if in the moment of doing it everything seems fine? How am I to listen to my body and receive accurate information? How will I ever know if I am better? I have modified so many of my body’s movements that I really have no idea what my pain level would be if I were moving like a non-injured Tracy would move.

I asked Richard if perhaps my capabilities would continue to increase, but the pain would still be present…if I will be able to DO things, but do them with pain. And as I thought those thoughts I tried to imagine a life of pain. I have been doing everything I can to heal the labral tear *knowing* I would be out of pain when it was healed. Now I wonder it that is true. Maybe the pain is here to stay…and right now that thought feels unbearable.

This pain is such an interesting thing. I can smile and talk and laugh and live, but it is here. Always here. It weighs on me. It is heavy. I can’t always think clearly or focus on what is happening in the moment because my mind is on the pain. Sometimes I want to throw it off me and yell “No, I will not hurt anymore. I will not be part of this anymore!” I don’t know if distraction or engagement is the better course. To be honest, I really don’t know anything anymore. I know I am tired of hurting and tired of talking about hurting.

All of these feelings and thoughts swirl around me this morning and make me think of dependence on Christ. I cannot take this pain away. I cannot solve it. Only He can. I cannot solve the myriad other pains in my life either. I cannot solve sin. I cannot solve sorrow. I cannot solve my weaknesses, mortal state, proclivity to judge, the pain I have caused others, or desires for things of this world.

But He can.

Maybe all of this pain is to remind me once again to give it all to Him. My pain. My sorrow. My weaknesses. My heart. Everything.

Maybe this is one long journey to my Savior.

Maybe there are more lessons I need to learn.

Maybe this is the biggest blessing I could be given.

Maybe.

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i don’t wanna grow up

Jan 1, 2013 by tracy

I’m not a ToysRus kid, but today I am having a “I don’t wanna grow up” moment. For the past several years our children have been given Walmart gift cards from grandparents and we have been stockpiling them in the hope that someday we would have enough to buy something aweseome for our family. For several months we have been planning on buying a TV with all these $10 and $25 gift cards. One of those cool flat screens. We have priced them out and walked through Sam’s comparing them. We have talked and talked and talked about it. All of the children have been so stinkin’ excited to watch a movie on something bigger and louder than my computer.

We haven’t had a TV for a long time. I don’t remember when the last one died, but it was ages ago. Long before flat screens were invented. So this is a big deal to all of us. A really big deal. As silly as it seems, I really wanted to join the world of mainstream America and have a TV to watch movies on. I wanted to be normal. I know our family is different and makes lots of off-the-beaten path choices, but I have been longing to be normal in this one regard. I wanted my extended family to be able to come and watch movies and perhaps not think we are the green-horned aliens we sometimes seem to be.

We have finally received $500 in Walmart gift cards and had all the logistics planned out. Today is the day to go get it.

But we aren’t.

Last night Richard and I decided we needed to be responsible and use these generous gifts to stock our pantry. So, this morning we had a family council and presented the idea to the children. Most of the gift cards are theirs, so this is really their decision…and we wanted them to really buy into it, not feel guilted into it. We discussed inflation, government spending, the ridiculous “fiscal cliff” bill that does nothing to actually solve the spending OR taxing problems we face.

The children voted to buy food. Well, everyone except Annesley. She is sticking to the TV plan.

I am pretty sure we are making the right choice, but I want to yell…”Let me be normal! Let me join the cool kids! Let me watch a movie without squinting!”

Instead we are going pantry shopping. And for that I am grateful. Oh, so grateful. We will stock up on peanut butter and cheese. Pineapple and tuna. Nature’s Seasoning Salt that makes everything taste better.

Time to put my big girl pants on.

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so much

Dec 31, 2012 by tracy

I can’t believe it is the last day of 2012. Not because it has flown by, as so many years do, but because it has been so long. It feels like this year has been about five years long.

I remember last Christmas with my family here. It is foggy and feels like eons have happened since I laid in my cousins’ arms and talked the night away. I remember last January and how excited I was to teach Zing! at iFamily. I remember the first few weeks of running with Keziah and how much I loved the crisp air on my face and the strength in my muscles. I don’t remember much after that. And it isn’t that it has been so awful…it has just been long and foggy and miraculous and hard and full of growth and n.e.v.e.r.e.n.d.i.n.g.

In many ways I don’t even feel like I have lived this year. I kind of feel like I have missed 2012. And yet, so much living has happened! I can’t wrap my mind around these conflicting emotions.

So much has happened. So many miracles. So much service. So much love. So many tears. So many spiritual experiences. So much softening of hearts. So much pain. So many thousands of acts of kindness. So much goodness. So many sleepless nights. So many days spent in bed. So much hopelessness. So much submission. So much learning. So much growth. So much heartbreak. So much laughter. So much love. So. So. Much.

I think a lifetime of experiences have been compressed into 2012 and it is too much for me to take in. Yes, I have had twelve months, but I think I need at least twelve years to process all of it.

I could write pages and pages of gratitude for all of it. I should write pages and pages of gratitude to all the people who have served me. But tonight, on this last night of 2012, I just want to lay in my husband’s arms and cry away all the pain, all the exhaustion, all the fear, all the stress, all the everything. I want to start fresh tomorrow with a heart full of hope, faith, trust, wisdom, patience, kindness, vision, and most of all, life.

I want to live.

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moments to remember sans photos

Dec 30, 2012 by tracy

Some Christmas moments not captured in pictures, but needing to be remembered nonetheless…so I will share them with you without any photgraphic evidence.

1. We made Peppermint Bark! For the first time! Yes! For the first time in my life I melted chocolate and made it into something yummy. Actually, I laid on the couch with ice packs on my injection sites and told Blythe, Keziah, and Andie what to do. They did everything. If you are a Peppermint Bark newbie like me, here is what you do. Buy two pounds of white chocolate meltaways and two pounds of vanilla chips (or buy all vanilla chips…I just did what the lady in the bulk food section of Winco recommended, but the vanilla ones taste a gob better). Buy 60 peppermint candies. Turn on some Christmas music and unwrap all sixty peppermints. Place them in a thick ziplock bag. Find a hammer in your absolutely filthy garage (or your perfectly clean tool organizer). Go out on the front cement and hammer the mints into smithereens. After the mints are smashed (or at the same time if you have more than one candy maker on the job), put all four pounds of white chocolate in a glass bowl. Place the glass bowl on top of a large pan that has water in it. Make sure your bowl is bigger than your pan and that the water does not touch the bowl. Turn the burner on low to medium and heat up the water…this will heat up the chocolate…which will melt the chocolate. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir. Stir until all the chocolate is melted. Pour the peppermint smithereens into the melted chocolate. Then pour the whole thing into a foil-covered cookie sheet. Put in the fridge for one hour to cool.

Eat. Then eat some more.

2. On Christmas Eve I spent 2 1/2 hours at the local print shop making Gratitude Journals for the special women in my life. Way too long, but totally worth it to make this dream project come true.

3. When I left the print shop, I stopped to get gas and fell in the parking lot. My right foot slipped and because there is not a lot of stability in my hip socket, my leg flew into the air. Then I flew into the air. Then I landed on my head. Hard. Whiplash. Pain. Dizziness. World spinning. Headache. Passing out.

But I am doing a gazillion times better now.

4. Blythe passed three gallstones on the night before Christmas Eve. I cannot even tell you how much pain she was in…writhing and moaning on the floor. Thanks to a priesthood blessing and Richard’s energy work she was able to pass them and recovered quickly.

5. On Christmas Eve we came home to a porch full of presents from some amazing Christmas angels. Their kindness and generosity simply overwhelms me and their gifts are so, so appreciated. I desperately want to know who the angels are so I can wrap my arms around their necks with a big koala bear hug and look in their eyes and tell them “thank you.”

6. Treasured presents were given to me by my friends. Jess gave me a gorgeous framed quilt print, Kat gave me a Mother Necklace made with a nest and four birthstone “eggs” inside for my babies, Jen gave me a lovely Nativity (where Mary is holding Jesus!!!), and Amy gave me a Mary Engelbreit book and all sorts of cool lotions and bath stuff. So, so fun!!!!

7. My brother, Scott, and niece, Andie, came to visit and we had a blast. Mostly we ate a lot of food and played Mastermind and Spades while I laid on the couch covered in ice packs, but somehow those simple things were just what we needed.

8. One of the grandmas in our ward who likes to love on Annesley brought her over a special Christmas present of homemade suckers. Totally made Annes’ whole day!

9. Our bishop also brought over a present for her. She insisted on making him a present last Sunday and he returned the kindness and brought her a present on Christmas Eve. She is one loved girlie!

10. By two days post-injection I could walk like a normal person. Super exciting!

11. My mama and Easton also came to visit. I wish they could stay for another week! My mama could live with me forever.

12. We sewed 80 handwarmers. It was quite a project for me since I can’t sit. We need to sew about 40 more and are hoping to get them done before Valentine’s Day.

I think I have pictures of ice skating, opening presents, and our birthday dinner for Jesus, so I will upload those and get posts written about those adventures soon.

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!

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12/12/12

Dec 12, 2012 by tracy

Banner day.

My mother has a love affair with numbers. She set her alarm for 4:44 or 5:55. Our phone number ended in 3333 and then after that, 2222. We counted everything and screamed over any cool combination of numbers we encountered.

I have the same love affair.

So today is a pretty cool day. But I didn’t do anything to celebrate. I don’t know why. It wasn’t a conscious choice. It just felt like another day and I spent it with my children, reading, mathing, cleaning, and sewing. Not a bad way to spend any day, but there was certainly nothing exciting about it. I didn’t even notice when 12:12 p.m. rolled around.

I do, however, remember a December 12 from nineteen years ago when we had been married for just eight short weeks. On that December 12, on the night before final exams started, our first little house burned down. We were living without a working furnace in a singlewide trailer and I finally got so tired of being SO cold that I asked Richard to start a fire in the decrepit wood stove.

We left to go practice being Mary and Joseph in a church performance and came home to a house all aflame.

Oh, the tears. The absolute gut-wrenching sobs that poured out of my soul that night…and for many nights to follow. We lost everything we owned except for Richard’s scriptures, gun, and missionary memory box.

It seemed an army of kindness was thrown our way. So many people reached out their hearts and hands and helped us. We found another little house to rent and each night when we came home from school we would find boxes on our doorstep full of things we needed. We had only moved to the town in October and very few people knew us, but everyone knew of our plight and blessed us with their love.

Our family members tried to replace many of our wedding gifts and my great-grandfather sent me a quilt he made along with $500. My father sent us $1000 in JCPenny gift cards so we could get some clothing. My church in Wyoming sent us a beautiful handstitched quilt. Our aunts and uncles sent kitchen goods, blankets, and more love than we thought possible.

I will never forget that December 12. It changed me. Forever altered my being and cemented in me a great desire to make a difference in the world by blessing others as I had been blessed.

And for that I am grateful.

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a bowl full

Nov 22, 2012 by tracy

It is early Thanksgiving morning and I am standing in the kitchen preparing food for our feast. Actually, my mama is preparing most of the food and I am providing the comic relief. So, I have time to type. I can do that and bring belly laughs all at the same time.

As an aside, we both almost peed our pants a few minutes ago when the turkey touched me while I was looking at it and, of course, my gag reflex kicked into high gear and I collapsed onto the couch in a retching fit.

My whole family is here…well, everyone except Leonard, my stepfather…he decided it was too far to drive for just the day…and Andie, my adorable niece that is spending Thanksgiving with her mama. We have been playing Rook, Battleship, Memory, Monkey in the Middle, and lots more.

I am so grateful my brothers and sister drove all the way here to spend the week with us. My little brother, Cameron, even flew in from Wisconsin and is here all week. He brought his girlfriend, Nicole, and we are having a delightful time with her. What a great choice he has made in her! After years of not seeing him, it is wonderful to have him here with us.

We are still trying to figure out Thanksgiving and what our traditions should be now that our Grandma passed away and our huge, day-long Thanksgiving party has been disbanded. I miss that celebration and wish I could convince my extended family to bring it back, but I fear everyone else feels it is time to move onto Thanksgiving within their own families. I miss all the homemade goodness, decorations, table games, family pictures, volleyball, basketball, big hugs, and seeing my aunts and uncles and cousins from far away.

My heart is full of gratitude today. I haven’t been doing my Thankful Thursday posts lately because I need my formatting fixed (hint, hint Jess!), but I have missed my weekly reflections and would like to share my bowlful of thanks today.

1. My Heavenly Father who loves me, hears me, blesses me, and helps me become who He created me to be.

2. My Savior, Jesus Christ, who atoned for my sins and suffered for my sorrows.

3. My husband who has dedicated his life to loving me and does so in such a soul-fulfilling way that I am actually becoming a better wife, mother, friend, and disciple.

4. My children. I love them so, so much. I also mess up all the time and they still keep giving me their hearts and their trust.

5. My family of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I loved growing up in such a big family.

6. My inheritance as an American. I am so grateful to the men, women, and children who built this country on principles of individual liberty, self-reliance, the rule of law, and private virtue.

7. My association with fellow human beings. I love interacting with the other people on this planet and giving them part of my soul.

8. My friendships. The women in my life are deep reservoirs of strength for me. I am filled to the brim with joy that I am able to love and serve and be served and laugh and create and laugh and eat and love and hug and stay up all night and massage and laugh and make a difference in the world. The women in my life are amazing. Simply amazing.

9. My community of homeschooling families. We have such a lovely group of families that learn together, put on hilarious theater productions, support one another, and challenge our youth to do hard things.

10. My church community that fellowships our family and gives us opportunities to serve and grow and work together in God’s work.

11. My little community here in Idaho. I love shopping at our grocery store and stopping to talk to everyone I know. I love smiling and waving to people as I drive around town.

12. Books. I have a love affair with beautiful books and love to look at them, touch them, smell them, and most of all, to read from them. I am so grateful for the privilege of literacy. I am thankful to have a mother who taught me to read and then gave me free range at the library to check out oodles of books every week. I am grateful for teachers who encouraged me to read and challenged me to actually learn the deeper lessons from the books they exposed me to. I am continually amazed at the access I have to the greatest books of all time. I can buy pretty much any book I want, check it out at the library, or download it to my iPad with the swipe of a finger. What a world!

13. I am thankful for the sun. Its bright shining rays do so much for my soul. There is something magical about the hope I feel when I feel the warm sun on my face.

14. Cleaning rags. We have cleaned this kitchen a gazillion times this week and I can’t imagine how we could have gotten it clean without the plethora of rags I have stashed in this house.

15. Tami and Camille, my two bestest cousins in the whole world. They have made all the difference in my life and I shudder to think what my life would be without them in it. Right now we are at a time in our lives when we see each other far too infrequently and it hurts my heart to have them so far away.

16. A water heater that works! A hot shower with pressure enough to actually wet my hair in one fell swoop is a blessing without compare! We have been without a working water heater since August and it has been a long, cool road…but now we have hot water again!

17. My hip injury. Shocking as it seems to me, I am grateful for it. I am grateful for the pain, for it has taught me to appreciate being pain-free. I am grateful for the dependence on The Lord I have learned. I am grateful for the outpouring of love AND service I have been the recipient of. I am grateful for the month of meals my friends brought to me as I laid in bed. I am grateful for the ozone shots that have helped heal the cartilage and the dear friends who have held my hand while I have screamed and cried in pain. I am grateful for my Uncle Wayne and all the work he has done to help my muscles and ligaments to work properly again. I am grateful for the herbs I have used to aid my healing. I am grateful for the family history project I have embarked on and all the miracles I have been privileged to be part of as I have searched for my ancestors. I am grateful to have been so incapacitated by this injury, for I have learned to slow down and be gentle with myself. I have learned what a blessing it is to be able to move my body and use it to accomplish my goals and dreams. I am grateful for the people who have prayed and fasted for me. I am grateful for the kindness that has been shown. I am grateful for the great goodness of humanity that I have been blessed by. I am grateful for my children’s resilience. I am grateful to have this experience and to be able to be taught from on high exactly what I need to know right now to progress on my life’s journey.

18. I am grateful for working vehicles.

19. I am grateful for a big piece of property that gives us space to explore and have peace and quiet from the world.

20. A sister that cuts hair! She is here for the week and cute-i-fied (surely that is a word) all of us. I have a new do and a new color…so FUN!

21. Trees! Oh, the power of trees to transform my mood. I love trees of all shapes and sizes and colors.

22. Mountains. There are no words for how much strength mountains give me. I love the craggy peaks, the meandering streams, the towering cliffs, the trails through all the different types of vegetation, the meadows, valleys, and wildflowers. I would love to live on a peak in a rustic cabin and go on walks through the woods every day. Wouldn’t that be heavenly??

23. Toilets. I don’t mind disposing of my waste products in the woods, but boy, howdy, indoor plumbing is surely a great blessing in my life.

24. Knee-high socks. Oh, the joy of warm wooly socks that are full of zing.

25. My husband’s big arms that wrap me up in a tight snuggle so I can fall asleep in a cocoon of warmth each night.

26. Music. Music speaks to my soul and gets me to cry more than anything else.

27. Covenants that bind me to my God and to my family.

28. Scriptures that teach me truth.

29. Big bear hugs.

30. Birth.

31. My in-laws. Such good people who let me burst into their quiet family and continue to let me come back even though I am loud and obnoxious.

32. Beautiful fabric. I love looking at fabric and dreaming of creating adorable things for all the people I love.

33. Gator bites. This Idaho potato creation has gotten me through many a grumpy night.

34. Fiesta dishes. I LOVE my colorful dishes. I think they are the best things to eat on and wish I could give them to all my loved ones so they could experience eating nirvana along with me.

35. Sourdough start that rocks! I have so enjoyed making sourdough bread for the past year. My husband LOVES my bread and it makes me happy to make him something he loves so much.

36. Quilts. I love homemade quilts. I love looking at them, snuggling in them, and would like to learn how to make them so I can give them as gifts to everyone I adore.

37. Gym for meals. This is one of my favorite things in the world. I have a few families that can’t pay for gym with cash, so they pay me with meals. I often forget to cook meals for my family so meals brought to me throughout the month is a GINORMOUS blessing!

38. My mama. She is amazing in a million different ways and I thank my lucky stars to be her daughter. On a lighter note, I am so grateful that she has been up since six this morning preparing our scrumptious Thanksgiving feast. I have been writing this post while she has been working her hiney off.

Thirty eight big gratitudes for my thirty-eighth year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

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even in this condition

Nov 18, 2012 by tracy

I met with my Bishop on Wednesday night for several hours. Actually, it was my old Bishop who has faithfully walked this hip journey with me, not my new Bishop who doesn’t really know me yet.

Anyway, he wanted an update on my hip, and my children, and my Jessica, (he is still Jess’ Bishop), and my genealogy project. We talked and talked and talked.

And then I broke down. Big tears poured out of my eyes as I told him how tired I am of being in pain, being incapable, and being needy. I told him about our desire to have at least one more baby, this little boy who we have been waiting for for so long, and how my research into labral tears and subsequent pregnancies indicates it would be foolhardy and quite incapacitating. I told him how I want to play baseball and volleyball and basketball with my children and how impossible that seems right now. I cried and cried and cried. I told him how silly all of my tears and frustrations are because I CAN WALK. I CAN FUNCTION. I am no longer bedridden. I CAN DRIVE (if I am in my suburban with the seat tilted all the way back and the bottom tilted all the way up). I AM TEACHING GYMNASTICS. I CAN STAND THROUGH CHURCH. I CAN, I CAN, I CAN.

But I still can’t. I can’t sit well at all. I can’t twist. I can’t ride my bike. I can’t play baseball with Fisher. I can’t go roller skating. I can’t be out of pain. I can’t have a baby. I can’t do what I used to do.

And the guilt. Oh, boy, the guilt at having such thoughts. At being so grateful for the healing that has happened, for the miracles that have occurred and still wanting more, still wanting to stop hurting. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more.

After I had cried (and cried AND cried), he gave me some words to think about. He said, “Tracy, can you go to The Lord and say ‘I will love you and trust you, even in this condition. How can I mother and bring my children to thee, even in this condition? How can I love them more fully, even in this condition? How can I serve thee, even in this condition? How can I play with my children, even in this condition? Teach me Lord. Teach me to love and serve and accept and be grateful, even in this condition.'”

These words struck deep into my soul.

And I am asking.

And He is teaching me.

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sacred sabbaths: great fullness

Nov 11, 2012 by tracy

Yes, I know. You are all sitting at your computers with baited breath wondering when Tracy will post again. The number of days in between my postings is getting quite ridiculous.

I’m sorry. I have been a little bit swamped and trying to juggle all the parts and pieces of my life…but I have a LOT in my heart that I need to share, so I will try to start getting it out over the course of the next week.

Yesterday I attended a class and learned some amazing things about mentoring. Afterwards, Liz and I froze our hineys off while we talked for an hour in the brisk wind. But it was worth it because I learned about gratefulness.

Gratefulness = A Great Fulness

Isn’t that a beautiful way to look at it? We have a great FULL-ness and so we GIVE in Thanks. Our Thanksgiving is full of giving out of our thanks for our great fullness.

I have a great fullness in my life. A great fullness of love. A great fullness of food. A great fullness of compassion from others. A great fullness of women friends. A great fullness of strong ancestors. A great fullness of faith. A great fullness of popcorn. A great fullness of opportunities. A great fullness of beauty. A great fullness of books. A great fullness of warmth. A great fullness of fun. A great fullness of family. A great fullness of hugs and kisses. A great fullness of truth. A great fullness of water. A great fullness of cheer. A great fullness of connection. A great fullness of laughter. A great fullness of snuggles. A great fullness of vibrancy. A great fullness of learning. A great fullness of healing. A great fullness of safety. A great fullness of covenants. A great fullness of inspiration. A great fullness of smiles. A great fullness of trust. A great fullness of possibilities. A great fullness of challenges. A great fullness of blessings.

My bowl is full. And so I give in thanks. I strive to spread joy and hope and service and redemption and love and smiles and truth to all I meet. Sometimes I fail, but sometimes, sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes I am able to reach a person whose bowl feels empty and in that moment, my heart swells up with joy and my bowl is full all over again.

I pray for your bowl to be full.

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the legos

Nov 6, 2012 by tracy

Fisher: Do you want to know how it all began?

Me: YES! (Having no idea what he was going to explain to me…perhaps the origin of the species?)

Fisher: Wellllll, I started with my first idea. It didn’t work at all. There were a lot of problems with that idea.

Me: Oooohhh. (Figuring out that he is telling me about his newest lego airplane).

Fisher: Then I tried my second idea. It worked a little bit, but not that good.

Me: Oohhhhhh.

Fisher: So, then I tried my last idea and it worked pretty well. So, now I have an airplane. I guess that is good. Don’t you think we need to FaceTime Grandma so she can see how my idea worked out?

This little guy cracks me up. He thinks and thinks and thinks. He isn’t quick on the draw – he likes to twirl things around in his mind for a good long while before he speaks. Most people aren’t willing to wait around to hear what he has to say, but trust me, if you do, it is worth the wait. He will either amaze you with his depth or crack you up with his innocent ponderings.

Fisher LOVES legos. I never wanted a lego house and refused to buy any of them. First of all, they make a mess. Second of all, they hurt terribly when I step on them in the middle of the night. Thirdly, they are expensive. Jessica always told me how much her boys loved legos and tried to get me on the lego bandwagon, but I resolutely stayed far away from the little plastic pain inducers.

But now we have a lego house. One Christmas a few years ago, some wonderful Christmas angel gave Fisher an awesome set of legos. He played with that set everyday for the next many months. He went through the instruction guide step by step and slowly figured out how to follow the directions. He spent about a month on the first guide. After that he got much faster. Now he whips out creations left and right. He builds while I read to him, he builds during family read-aloud time. He builds while he listens to the scriptures on his CD player. He builds and builds and builds. The next Christmas he was given more legos from another Christmas angel (or maybe the same one – we have no idea who loves us so much to do this for us, but we pray for them to be blessed one hundred fold for their generosity to us!) and he started saving up all his pennies to buy little sets here and there. Now he has about five sets and is constantly thinking and creating more buildings and vehicles.

Thank you to the lego giver who started this great journey of learning for my little guy. Our home has been so blessed by the thinking and creating these ingenious blocks have brought into our lives.

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Make It For Maggie 2012!

Nov 4, 2012 by tracy

What an amazing weekend!

Saturday (last Saturday! Yes, a whole week has gone by without the post going live about MIFM. I will try to explain why later!) was our third annual Make It For Maggie event. Kat and I started this project three years ago because we felt absolutely called to do something for Maggie’s Month. We wanted to involve lots of people and to bless lots of people…and Make It For Maggie has done just that.

We were there bright and early getting everything ready for our participants. Thank goodness for Keziah, Courtney, and Rachel…they set up the chairs and tables in all the classrooms, hauled supplies all over the building, and served at our beck and call for three hours before MIFM started. Jennifer came early and we quickly put her and her children to work as well. Kim came and turned the gym into a lovely dinner arrangement with all the tables decorated with children’s books and a fall theme. My favorite was the Make Way For Duckling table which had a copy of the book and then many squash turned into a duck family.

Around noon our guests started arriving. I love welcoming people to MIFM!

I love looking in their eyes and connecting with their hearts and thanking them for coming to MIFM. I love helping people feel special…because they are and they can feel it by the way I treat them when they walk in the door.

Ted (Kat’s dad) made everyone involved adorable pink name tags. I nearly died when I saw how stinkin’ cute they turned out. Emily, our photographer, snapped this photo of me and miraculously I look like a human being instead the ridiculous blob I normally turn into when a camera is pointed my way.

Ted also made us signs for the whole building and printed out piles of spreadsheets so we could keep everyone and everything organized. Kat’s printer is broken and mine has been out of ink for many weeks now, so Ted came to our rescue and printed up whole reams of documents for us.

This year’s event was a late night affair with classes ending at 9:00 p.m. and our teachers were superstars and stayed engaging and inspiring all day long.

Anne’s Laughter Yoga is always a hit.

Keri’s essential oil goodness was a hit during the 8:00 hour.

Sheila teaching about raw food scrumptiousness with gobs of samples everyone loved.

Here are Jana and Kim, our Dinner Chairmen. They did a fantabulous job! We didn’t have to worry about it at all!

During dinner we had a frenzy of last minute bidding on our amazing Silent Auction items, a delicious spread of soups, breads, and desserts (confession, I ate five pieces of pumpkin roll!), a tear-jerking presentation by Jodie (Maggie’s mama) that inspired all of us to work together as families to make a difference in the world for the causes we are called to give our hearts, resources, and money towards.

All during dinner, Kat calculated the donations to reach our grand total. Then, in a pile of tears (tears were flowing all around, not just from Kat’s lovely eyes) she announced to our recipients just how generous this community is.

The Osburns

The Roughtons

We thought we had $5000 to dispense to our three families, but we have run into some mathematical errors and are still trying to sort it all out. We know we have at least $4500 to split between them and are now trying to pinch hit to get back up to the $5000 we thought we had raised.

I am so, so grateful to be part of Make It For Maggie. My heart is bursting with joy over the whole thing! I am thankful to have a philanthropic project that involves my whole family. I want to smooch all of our amazing teachers – they are what bring our participants back each year. I am thankful for our awesome group of people who volunteered to make it a success this year – Jana, Kim, Charlene, Amy, Emily, Ted, and Lois all contributed of their time and talents and greatly lightened our work load. I am thankful for Katherine and the privilege it is to work with her make a difference in the world. Every single year my whole soul is taught of the goodness and generosity of individuals, the power of community and the wonderfulness of this community, and the miracles that happen when I am doing God’s work.

Thank you. Thank you for anything you have done to Change The World One Family At A Time.

May God bless you.

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m, m, & m

Oct 20, 2012 by tracy

These past many days have been chock full. Full of Make It For Maggie, miracles, and mushiness. I want to soak it all in and let the gratitude permeate my entire being. Wait, I think it already is. Permeating, that is.

Make It For Maggie fills my heart with so. much. joy. Everytime I check our nifty registration page and see more people who are joining us I want to scream out loud. Every time I see someone choose one of our additional donation buttons I DO scream out loud. Everytime I speak to one of our recipients, my heart fills right up with joy because I know what is coming for them…in one short week my amazing community is going to shower them with love and hugs and money and food and joy and belonging. Everytime I think about Kat and the privilege I have to be part of her life I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am one blessed woman.

The miracles? Yes, there have been a few this week. My dear Jessica has been granted a big one. On Thursday, I swung by her house to get something for Make It For Maggie and found her in bed not quite feeling up to snuff. She had passed out repeatedly that day and was now in bed trying to get some protein into herself. I immediately hopped into bed with her and started making all sorts of assessments and tried to relieve her headache with some massage and peppermint oil. I took her pulse and it was at 40 beats per minute. Next I called Richard to do some energy work on her and instead of responding the way he normally does and getting right to work on her meridians and chakras, he told her something was wrong with her heart that he couldn’t fix and she needed to go to the hospital. Right now.

That was pretty baffling because my husband would pretty much never tell anyone to go to the hospital. We all thought, “hmmmmm?”

Meanwhile, her father was calling from Utah and urging us to leave. Now.

Then I called Cameron, our friend Paula’s husband, to come give Jessica a blessing thinking surely he would pronounce some lovely, reassuring words of healing upon her head, but no, instead he could barely speak and told her to go seek the expertise and tools of medical specialists.

More baffling. But at least now we knew we really did need to go in. Three trusted loved ones had given us the same advice. So, off we went.

We made it as far as the entryway and she collapsed to the floor. Luckily we were able to catch her so she didn’t bonk her head on any walls or the floor on the way down, but it was still quite dramatic. We decided she was no longer in control of any of her limbs and would need to be carried out to the car which was done quite ably (if not a little hilariously) by her husband and Cameron.

Kat zipped us off to the hospital while I cradled her head and her mama prayed.

The next many hours were slow and fairly uneventful…more passing out, more shaking, more twitching, lots of laughter, not so many doctors, and more waiting than anyone who has lost control of their body should ever have to endure. Eventually (about 21 hours after we arrived at the hospital) it was determined she has a PFO or a hole in her heart.

Whoa. Big whoa. We were so excited they found the cause of her bizarre passing out and this whole hospital adventure, but were a bit saddened that she has to go through this trial. While many people have this condition, it only causes symptoms in about 2% of the population. Strokes and heart attacks can happen at any time with a PFO and those are two things Jessica (or anyone else!) doesn’t need.

Now we are waiting. Waiting for all the results from the EKG, EEG, MRI, Cortisol tests, and all the blood draws. Waiting to find out what the next steps will be and when she will be all better. The surgery has a pretty good success rate, but any medical procedure is going to cost a huge amount of money, cause a lot of pain, and greatly impact their family.

Now for the mushiness.

I love the women in my life. I often forget that having this large circle of close-knit friends isn’t all that common and that many women go through life without it. I am so blessed. We have created a community of women who give and serve and love and support and dream and work together. It is such a blessing in my life.

And my Jessica? Words cannot describe how much I love her. She is creative, talented, hilarious, beautiful, determined, brilliant, spiritual, committed, and full of big dreams. And she helps me go potty when my hips don’t work. What more could I want in a friend?

Snuggling with her in her hospital bed is my new favorite thing…I just need to make sure I don’t become completely entangled in her myriad tubing and accidently kill one of us.

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nineteen

Oct 15, 2012 by tracy

Nineteen years ago (right this minute) I was in the Salt Lake Temple being sealed to my Richard. It was a rainy, overcast day and we don’t have any great pictures. Actually, we have hardly any pictures of that day at all. We didn’t hire a photographer AND our house burned down seven short weeks after we were married, so all we have is a few pictures that my dad took.

But we have the memories.

Mine

• Absolutely knowing I was marrying the person I was supposed to marry.
• Feeling safe and secure, completely wrapped up in a cocoon of safety.
• Looking into his eyes across the altar and seeing giant reservoirs of gentle love.
• My mother-in-law giving me a big hug and saying “Thank you for making my son so happy.” Those words have stayed with me more than any other words that day.
• Taking pictures on the stairs on the east side of the temple and seeing all our friends and family huddled together under umbrellas and blankets…freezing while we smiled and tried to get the perfect shot (didn’t happen though).
• Walking through the rain to our wedding luncheon. Both of our families forgot us at the temple and we had to walk several big SLC blocks carrying my wedding dress and getting rained on.
• The fancy-schmancy dinner my dad took me to the night before and how wonderful it was to be with him, just the two of us. At the moment I had no idea how little I would see him after that (three times since then), but at the time of my wedding, I felt completely adored and cared for by my dad. After dinner, he and I walked around Temple Square talking and taking pictures in the dark. It was one of the best nights of my life.
• Four-year-old Mikelle greeting me after the ceremony with her bangs cut all skeewampus. She had taken a scissor to them herself and looked hilarious. She tried to give me a huge hug around my wedding dress and all I could do was stare at her hair in shock.
• My mom, grandma, and aunts all working for hours and hours at the reception to make it a special night for us and our guests.
• Changing into my wedding dress with Richard helping me with the zippers and skirts and buttons in the music room at my high school and feeling completely natural with him seeing me naked. I remember thinking how bizarre it was to feel like he had been helping me get dressed for my entire life when it was only the first time.
• Peace. The all-encompassing peace of being loved by Richard is a gift I cherish. It has been with me since that day, nineteen years ago. His love fills my being peace and allows me to feel the peace of God.

His

• Looking around at the faces of all the people in the Sealing room. So many people that were dear to my heart came and supported me as I made the most important decision of my life.
• Running through the rain to the wedding luncheon.
• Driving to Wyoming for our reception. To be with Tracy as my wife felt so natural and good and normal. I thought being married would feel weird, but it felt natural. It was a calm, peaceful assurance that this was right.
• I don’t like this memory, but I certainly can’t forget it – the panic that went through my whole being when I was told all my paperwork wasn’t in order to get married. Those were the longest twenty minutes of my life. I was more than relieved when the temple staff were able to get a hold of my bishop and get it all sorted out.
• The seriousness with which the temple staff prepared us for the ceremony. They were all careful about each piece of clothing being just right and wanted to make sure everything was in order and to make the day set apart and special for us. They wanted us to know that every single thing mattered.

Tonight we had dinner with sparkling cider and shared our favorite memories with each other as a family. Then Richard and I told the children to clean up dinner and put away all the laundry so we could have a reading-fest and finish Summer of the Monkeys. Unfortunately that isn’t going so well and the fighting is about to drive me bonkers. We are hoping that they will come downstairs and get us soon and surprise us with a spotless upstairs and smiling faces…but I am not holding my breath.

Richard surprised me with a new water bottle! I have been using my red Camelback that Tami gave me for my 35th for the past several years, but it broke last week. My new bottle is another red one, but this one has snowflakes all over it…pretty darn cute…and sure to get a lot of use since I go through about 3 quarts a day.

Happy Nineteenth…now to infinity and beyond!

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daughter arise

Oct 13, 2012 by tracy

This post has been on my mind for awhile now. I feel I need to share these thoughts, but I am finding words entirely inadequate to express my feelings. I do not want to diminish the depth of my experience by failing to capture it fully. But I think there is no other way.

On Wednesday, September 26, I went to the temple. For those of you who aren’t LDS, the temple is our most holy edifice and we go there to make covenants with God, to learn the path we must follow to return to Him, and to make those same covenants by proxy for our ancestors who did not have the opportunity to make those covenants in this life. The temple is my refuge from the world. It is a place I feel peace and receive answers. It is a place of joy and warmth and service and love. I have been spending a lot of time in the temple these past few months. More time than I ever have before as I have been immersed in doing my family’s work and allowing them to be sealed together as family units for time and all eternity.

That Wednesday, many of my ward members came to the temple with me to help me with my family’s ordinance work. Each time someone came in I thought my heart would burst with joy. I was so, so happy to see each person that came to help me.

As the night wore on, my hip started aching more and more. I could not get comfortable. I tried removing all weight from it by standing only on my left leg. I tried lying down on a couch, but I was hurting too much to be able to find a comfortable position. I tried talking myself out of the pain. I tried to walk around a little to loosen it up. I tried ignoring it. Nothing was working. Remember this was only about 36 hours after this post where I was completely baffled at how much pain I was in and how much worse my joint was doing.

Finally it was time for Richard and I to do sealings. This was the first time I had done sealings for my family and I was so looking forward to it. All summer long I had been working on doing the other ordinances and I finally had ten couples ready to be sealed together. Twenty special ancestors who were ready to become husband and wife again. My emotions were bursting out of me. I felt so much love for these people and couldn’t wait to give this gift to them.

Before the sealings I was able to spend about 25 minutes in the Celestial Room by myself. The Celestial Room is analogous to heaven and is my favorite place in the temple. I have never been alone in there before. Richard and I have sat inside praying and pouring our hearts out to God. I have spent time inside with friends and family, praying and rejoicing. But, I have never been in there alone.

I came in and oriented myself to the energy of the room. The peace. The stillness. The presence of God. Then I started praying. I prayed for my ancestors to accept Jesus into their hearts. I prayed that they would feel my love for them. I prayed that they would be able to feel God’s love for them. I prayed for them to be able to use the atonement and receive the peace that only Jesus can give them. When I had poured my heart out to my Father, I started praying for me. I told God how tired I was of hurting. I told him how hard this whole injury has been. I told him how I wanted to hold my children in my arms. I told him how I longed to mother with a body that works. I told him I knew that I could not solve this, that all my efforts were not working and that the only way the tissue would heal is if He would heal it. I pled with my Father to please, please, please, demonstrate His power through healing me. I asked Him to use me as he used Jairus’ daughter. I sobbed out my heart’s desires.

I told Him how grateful I was for the opportunity to be injured and to have the blessing of doing my family’s temple work. I thanked Him for the privilege of coming to know my Savior more deeply. I thanked Him for all the service and love that has been showered upon my head and that of my family. I thanked Him for my precious husband and his patience with all of this. And then I said that I was willing to continue on this path of injury if it was His will and if I just didn’t understand His purposes. I pled for strength and endurance. Finally, in a burst of tears, I asked Him to please, please lessen the pain.

And He did.

I can’t really describe it, but each day since then has been a little bit better. Each day the pain has been less. Each day the joint has been a little stronger.

God is healing me. I know there is no other answer. I know this is a manifestation of His power and His great love for me. I know He is teaching me to trust Him, to depend on Him, and to completely give my heart to Him.

I know.

And while I want you to know as well, it is enough that I know.

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his voice

Oct 9, 2012 by tracy

My heart is spilling over with gratitude today. Gratitude for the goodness of God. Gratitude for His patience with me. Gratitude for His majestic love. Gratitude for His voice.

He has been talking to me. Helping me learn to listen and then to act. Blessing me with His guidance.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to change the world…to make it a happier, brighter, and more peaceful place. I remember as a little girl growing up in our family grocery store how much joy I felt when I helped others get their groceries to the car, or find something they needed in the store, or brought them a smile as they checked out. I remember jumping up and helping others AND having a great time doing it. I remember playing knock-and-run to our neighbors and people in our town who needed our help. I loved it then and I love it now. I love helping people have a brighter day and a more secure tomorrow. In many ways, it is what I was born to do.

As a grown up, this poem sums up my feelings much of the time.

Motherload

Motherhood has ruined me for life.

I want to nurse the world
A continent to a breast.

I want to cut up waffles
For all the third world
Send the dictator to his room
Ground the drug dealers
Wash out the pornographers’
Mouths with soap
And spray organized crime
With Black Flag.

I want to make all the politicians
And all the executives sit on the couch
And memorize the golden rule
And stand up and say it in unison.

I want to grab a bullhorn
And announce to the world 
That barbecues will stop
Until all the litter–all the litter–
Has been picked up.  

Oh, I could fix everything
If they would all just listen to me,
Listen to me,
Listen to me!

I have such illusions of grandeur:
I am a mother

~Carol Lynn Pearson

I am one of those people who would run off to a foreign land and spend my days bandaging wounds, feeding soup, and giving hugs. I would…if I could. And maybe I will someday. But God has called me to labor here in my home as a mother and to nurture these children He has blessed me with. While they are my first priority, those longings to save the world are ever present in my heart. Thus, Make It For Maggie was born. It all started back in 2009 when I first discovered Katie and Amazima. I could not rest until I created a way to be of service to Katie and the children she serves in Uganda. Women from all over the world joined with me in sewing pencil rolls for Katie’s schoolchildren and our family’s fall service project was born. The next year, my friend, Jodie Palmer, created Maggie’s Month and once again, I knew I needed to DO SOMETHING. I could not, NOT do something. Kat and I started brainstorming and Make It For Maggie was born. That first year was amazing. Things came together quickly (in three short weeks) and the outpouring of love from our community was enormous. In 2011, I really didn’t know if I was up to it. I had just been through an incredibly difficult six months with a breast lump and a variety of treatments and finally a lumpectomy that took me two months to recover from. But, Katherine was willing and God spoke to my heart, and with many helping hands we were able to create another wonderful event.

This year, there was no question in either of our minds if we would be doing it again. We are in for the long haul now. So back in August we started working on putting all the details together. By September things were rolling along, but we couldn’t decide on who our recipient should be. We had several excellent nominations and one fairly obvious choice, but as we prayed, we didn’t feel right about any of them. We went on planning, finding teachers, and working on the website, but we could not select our recipient with any amount of peace in our hearts. It was bizarre. In past years we knew exactly who we were working so hard for and had a central purpose driving us. This year, we had to keep working without knowing who all of this was going to bless. More prayers. More pondering. No peace. More work. More teachers. More people asking us over, and over, and over again WHO the recipient would be. More courage to wait until the peace came. More nominations. More prayers. No peace.

This went on for weeks and was a tad unnerving. But, we couldn’t feel right about just selecting someone because they needed our help. We wanted and needed to have confirmation from God that who we were choosing was right.

Registration was supposed to open on Saturday, but on Saturday we still didn’t know who our recipient was. Then, finally, yesterday, the answer came, with power and peace, it came.

I know this is long, but bear with me. It is worth it.

Last Sunday at church, when my heart was breaking over our ward split that would be happening in a few short hours, God spoke to me and told me to ask my friend, Heather, if there was someone at her church (where we meet for iFamily) who needed MIFM’s help. I thought, “Oh, that is a good idea.” But, I didn’t do anything about it. I think I believed I could still solve this whole thing and so even though time was fleeing rapidly, I didn’t call Heather. On Wednesday morning, as I was showering before I went to the temple with Keziah for her first time, I heard God speak to me again. He said “Tracy, someone is adopting children and they need your help.” I thought in my mind “Oh, we don’t do adoptions, we do children with disabilities.” Again, “Tracy, someone is adopting children and they need you.” “Hmmm,” I thought.

Later that day at iFamily, I shared with Heather our inability to feel peaceful about any of our nominations and the prompting God had given me on Sunday to speak to her about it. She told me about a family in her church who has two children with severe disabilities and told me she would find out more about their needs and how MIFM could help them. I thought, “Hmmm, maybe this is our family. I hope Heather finds out more quickly so we can make a decision and move forward.” As I turned to walk away, she kind of mumbled something about another family in their church who were adopting from the DRC. I froze in my tracks and asked her for more information. She couldn’t give me much, but I felt like this might be the answer we had been praying for. I still wasn’t sure and was rather unsettled by the whole thing. I kept thinking, “We don’t do adoptions. This can’t be right…but what if it is?”

But I kept thinking about it. On Thursday I told Kat about it and she wanted more information as well. Friday I left for SLC and our amazing temple trip. Sunday was spent watching General Conference and then working on the MIFM website into the wee hours of the morning. Monday was the last day to decide. We had postponed registration from Saturday to Tuesday in the hopes of having our recipient selected and our registration process smoothed out, but here it was Monday morning and still no recipient we knew was right. I kept pleading with God to teach me, to show me who we needed to select, to show me the path. Nothing. More website work. Finally, I called Kat and said “We must decide.”

And then we knew. We were flooded with peace. We knew we were to select TWO families and that one of them was our obvious choice from up above and the other was the adopting family from Heather’s church. I immediately called Heather and found out more about this family. It turns out that Todd, is the Youth Pastor at their church and is well-loved by many of our friends. It turns out that they have been praying and working for many months to raise the money they need to travel to pick up their sons. It turns out they had just made an awesome movie to share their message and their need. It turns out their seven-year-old son, JT, had just prayed that very morning for God to send them help.

And He did. JT, He did. He sent two crazy mamas who want to alleviate all the suffering in the world, but know they can’t, so instead they spread joy and love and goodness and build a community of people dedicated to changing the world one family at a time.

I can’t even begin to put into words my feelings about this. It is overwhelming to know, clearly know, God led us to this family who has been praying for someone just like us to find them. It is humbling to think of being an instrument in His hands. It is my desire to more fully align my will with His so He can use me more fully to bless His children.

So grateful.

Want to learn more about our recipients for this year? Check them out over at Make It For Maggie, then either click on the Registration button or the Donate button and join us in Changing The World One Family At A Time.

Thank you, God, for teaching me once again whose work this is and how much you love your children.

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fisher’s baptism

Oct 7, 2012 by tracy

I have had a glorious weekend attending the Salt Lake Temple and LDS General Conference and I can’t wait to share my thoughts from the past few days, but before I go there, I have to write about Fisher’s baptism.

This precious boy has prayerfully and solemnly been preparing to make covenants with his Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ.

He has been studying the Articles of Faith and reading the Book of Mormon and New Testament with me. He has been thinking about how to give his heart to the Lord and serve Him more fully as his disciple. It has been a wonderful time answering his questions and helping him understand the doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

His baptism service was beautiful. Many of our friends joined us to witness and celebrate his decision and my heart filled up with joy as each special person came into the room.

Fisher had planned out the whole program the Sunday before and it was so fun to see him thinking so carefully about who should do what for his program. Richard’s parents gave the prayers. My mom gave a powerful talk on baptism and taking on the name of Christ and Blythe spoke about the Holy Ghost and how He will guide and comfort Fisher throughout his life. I loved them both! All of the children sang Come Into The Water and did really well, even though it was one of those late night decisions, teensy-tiny bit of practice time things. Keziah sang Gethsemane – I don’t think I will ever tire of hearing her sing that song.

Singing right before Fisher is baptized.

Still dry

Fresh out of the water

Richard baptized and confirmed Fisher and really, there are no words to describe his blessing. It was incredibly powerful and full of the Spirit. I cried through the whole thing.

Grandma and Grandpa

This photo cracks me up! We are trying desperately to get all the wiggly children to hold still for just one small moment and the more we tried, the crazier it got. I love how my mom and Aliysa are the only ones looking at the camera and my mom looks SO done with all the craziness!

Here we are a little more put together.

We served mini-cheesecakes and cookies at the end and asked everyone to write Fisher a note before they selected their refreshments. Mayhem ensued! Here is one pile of children writing their notes as quick as they can.

I am making a book for Fisher out of all their notes.

I am so grateful for this precious boy and the joy he gives me. I am grateful for the opportunity to teach his tender heart all about Jesus and the love He has for him. I am grateful for family and friends who supported us and made the evening a wonderful event for my son.

Today he is begging to fast next week on Fast Sunday. Umm, yeah, of course, you can was my rather shocked response.

Here are the three of us at the end of the night…still on my feet, wahoo!

p.s. Here is my mom’s talk…for those who want to read it.

We’re here to share a special day with Fisher and he’s asked me to talk for a few minutes on baptism.

You know there are so many stories and lessons in the scriptures. And Jesus used symbols and to help us to learn and remember them. Let’s think of some symbols.

In the story of the Tree of Life there are some symbols. There’s the tree. There’s the rod. There’s the great and spacious building. All of those mean something. The tree stands for God’s love. The rod represents the Word of God. The building stands for pride and wickedness.

Let’s think of some other scriptures that have symbols.

The scriptures about Moses had many symbols in them. Do you remember the staff or the serpent? Can you remember what it stood for? I know your family celebrates and observes Passover and so you know those symbols. There was the parting of the Red Sea, which is how the Lord rescued and saved the Israelites. And that is a symbol that he will also rescue and save all of us.

There are symbols associated with baptism, too. Let’s think of some.

First we have
Water
Immersion
White clothes
Renewal
Covenant
Authority
New name

I remember when you were born and your parents were trying to give you the most perfect name. A name just for you. They loved the name Fisher. They loved the scripture in Jeremiah (Jer 16:16) that your Mom just read.

You have two special names.

Your family has a tradition of giving special middle names that have a scriptural or Hebrew meaning. Eli is also a special name. It means My God. So altogether, your names means a Fisher for my God – a missionary – a disciple that brings others toward God.

And now you are taking on another name. This is also the most perfect name. A name just for you! This will be the name you receive at baptism. You will take the name of Christ. Or to say it another way, you will become a Christian. You will serve Jesus and his Church and set new priorities in your life. You might start to think about receiving the Aaronic Priesthood. You might start thinking about going on a mission. You might start thinking about going to the temple.

And baptism is the very first step of all of those things.

Some people wonder why we need to be baptized. They say it isn’t really necessary. They can still be good people and still do good things even if they aren’t baptized. But, we know that it is more than just an option — more than just a suggestion. You remember in the New Testament that John the Baptist was busy teaching and baptizing people where he was preaching. And he was surprised when Jesus came to him and asked to be baptized. John knew that Jesus had never sinned, so he didn’t think Jesus would need to be baptized. But Jesus told John that being baptized was a commandment from Heavenly Father, and he wanted to obey all of Heavenly Father’s commandments. It’s That important! It is so important that even Jesus, who was absolutely perfect, was also baptized.

So remember, this is the first step to returning to live with your Heavenly Father.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Beautiful isn’t it?

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so good, so, so good

Sep 29, 2012 by tracy

My heart is full to bursting tonight! I have had four great days in a row! Four days of low pain & good movement!

I need to post about Fisher’s baptism, his awesome new scripture case, my Wednesday night temple trip, and tonight’s Relief Society meeting, but before I move my brain on to any of those post topics, I need to shout Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!

Today I walked a long ways. All over the Farmer’s Market, five blocks to the headband shop for my lil’ sis to buy herself a magic exercise headband, all over another shopping center with my mama and sister, and then I stood tonight for two hours at the Relief Society Broadcast.

Unheard of! This is amazing!!!! I am lying in bed now and it is sore, but just a teensy-weensy bit and I am not even icing it.

I know God gave me this gift of healing. I have done everything I can and it wasn’t enough. Just a few short days ago I had to spend the day in bed icing it all day long. Monday and Tuesday I was ready to give up. I could not get on top of the pain and I didn’t know what else to do.

Then I went to the temple on Wednesday and I served my ancestors by performing ordinance work for them and I prayed and I listened and I prayed some more. I asked God to please, please heal me. Please let me be a miracle for Thee to show Thy power and mercy. Please heal me so I can mother my children more fully. Please take away this pain. No one else can heal me, only Thee. Only Thy power can knit this tissue together. Only Thy power can take away this pain. Please. I love Thee and I am willing to do what Thou asks of me. I will live with this pain if I must, but if Thou wilt, please take it away.

And He did.

He is so good. So, so good.

I don’t know how long this will last, but I know, absolutely know, God gave me these precious days of healing to show me His power and His love for me.

Thank you.

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lost and found

Sep 25, 2012 by tracy

I am not morbidly depressed. But I am a tad worn down. My ward’s upcoming split in five short days has me moving inward. The pain in my hip is starting to feel like a permanent resident.

And I have passed the seven month mark. Seven months of missing out on things.

Today, this is what I miss about having a functioning hip.

• Not hurting. Even on my good days, there is still pain. It is just that it is so much less than excruciating that it almost feels like a party.
• Sitting
• Snuggling up on the couch with my babies.
• Having meals with my family where I can see their faces and carry on a conversation
• Being able to bounce around with excitement
• Holding Annesley
• Playing outside with my children
• Sex
• Sitting with my family during church
• Talking about other things than my hip
• Not thinking about how to plan out my days to accomplish what needs to be done before my hip gives out for the day
• Riding my bike
• Doing back handsprings
• Laying next to Richard comfortably
• Fall canning
• Driving myself wherever I want to go
• Getting my socks off all by myself
• Being a person who can be counted on to serve others
• Scrubbing my kitchen floor
• Knowing my body can do anything I ask it to
• Mowing the lawn
• Carrying heavy loads
• Going to a movie
• Having a body that is in sync with my exuberant personality

I miss those things. Badly. I want them back.

I am also grateful for some things.

• The opportunity to be served so generously and thoroughly by friends who truly love me.
• The privilege to be called of God to do my genealogy.
• The patience and tenderness of my husband.
• The nurturing my children have given me.
• The windows of time where I can move faster, stay on my feet longer, and hurt less.
• The encouraging words, smiles, and hugs that so many people bless me with.
• Annesley’s proficiency at making PB & J.
• A bathtub I can soak in.
• A water heater that is clinging on to life and still gives us a little hot water each day.
• A vehicle that I can drive short distances if I configure the seats just so. Gangster style.
• The health of my children. We haven’t been hit with a big illness since I was injured…such a blessing!
• Richard’s energy work. It takes away the pain like nothing else. I don’t know where I would be without his almost nightly hip sessions.
• My Savior. I know I am in His hands.

Does that make any sense? To have a heart chock-full and spilling over with gratitude and at the same time to be SO DONE with the pain and ready to be healed? Will I not be healed till there is only gratitude? Please tell me no, because otherwise it might be awhile till I can only see the good.

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smidge of service

Jul 22, 2012 by tracy

A few days ago I was finally, FINALLY able to give a lil’ bit of service back to a friend who has been serving me for months years. Miss Katherine, amazing cook that she is, has been hired to cater a wedding luncheon and she needed my help to price out all her ingredients. I don’t know why she thought she needed my help, but I was thrilled to be asked and quickly rearranged my schedule to be available for her. I think my only job was to provide laughter as she walked up and down (and up and down and up and down and up and down) the aisles of Sam’s Club.

But, I did my job and I did it well. Sam’s has never seen such goof-ball women having such a grand time pricing out products.

When we were done at Sam’s, another friend was in distress and bawling her eyes out over the state of her house. I was having a really good hip day, so I offered to come clean her kitchen while she got her computer work done. She resisted that plan but I eventually wore her down and ended up kicking her and her sweetie out of the house so I could whip it into shape without any more of her arguing.

Can I just say JOY?

I was so, so happy to do a teensy-tiny bit of service for these two ladies who have been serving me for so long. It was just what I needed to feel useful…and needed.

Thanks girls!

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down the mountain, down the canal

Jul 14, 2012 by tracy

My heart is full of gratitude today for the heavenly protection we have received the past few weeks. Two people I love dearly could be dead or seriously injured right now. Instead, they are alive and well and we are all counting our blessings.

It all started when my husband fell down a mountain. He was helping his friends to slide a boat, with him in front and his two friends holding ropes off the back, down a steep, shale covered incline. This particular mountain has a series of 8-10 foot cliffs and while he was standing on the edge of one of them the boat slipped a few inches and slid into his legs, knocking him off the cliff. He continued down the hillside turning head over heels for about 40 yards. As he came up from one of his flying somersaults a huge boulder loomed in front of his face. He was able (with a guardian angel’s help!) to put his left arm in front of his face and strong arm his way over the boulder and into a front flip. The good news is his head didn’t get smashed. The bad news is his shoulder was dislocated, his hip shaken up, and the rest of him bruised, battered, and gashed.

He quickly developed a deep, black bruise across his hip and down his thigh. Awful ugly and oh, so sore. He has gashes and scrapes from head to toe, he can’t lay on his left side, and he hasn’t slept well since the accident. He has little hand and arm strength, in fact, I put him to work this morning assembling some shelves for the sewing room rearrangement project and he could barely turn the allen wrench. He says his left arm is basically useless.

But he is alive. He is here. He is still giving me that crooked smile.

And for that, I am grateful.

I will turn all the screws myself.

Yesterday’s miracle is even more dramatic. My friend, Boo, has been up here visiting all her Idaho friends before she moves to California in a few weeks. She has been staying with Miss Jennifer and helping her build a barn for Jen’s goats. Boo’s little three-year-old fell in the (previously empty) canal yesterday and was instantly swept away by the current. Her five-year-old came in and told the adults, who instantly rushed out the door and jumped into the chest-high, fast-moving, brown and murky water. They couldn’t see a thing and had no idea where she was, but they ended up in the canal at the exact place Naomi was in the water. Somehow (once again, angelic help came to the rescue) Jen reached right into the culvert and found Naomi’s arm. Boo followed suit and found her hand holding on to the side of the culvert. They quickly pulled her out and started working on her. She started breathing quickly, then the paramedics arrived and worked on her some more.

Now, she is well. She is here. She is blessing us all with her zest for life and her adorable, kissable cheekies.

How she got a hold of the culvert (far from where she fell in), how they found her in the deep water, how she recovered so quickly, all of it is a mystery, unless you know, as we do, that heavenly help was present and guiding them all, strengthening them all, and blessing them all.

So, so grateful.

Dear Father, thank you for my loved ones. Thank you for protecting them and bringing them back to their families.

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lessons learned

Jul 13, 2012 by tracy

I have been injured since February 20. This is the longest time I have been forced to slow down…ever. I remember when I flew off the uneven parallel bars as a 12 year old and completely missed the safety mats. I landed on my head, was rushed to the emergency room in a neck brace and told my spine was damaged, had a concussion, and needed to stay in bed for several weeks. Even with that serious of an injury I didn’t stay down. I competed (terribly!) at the state meet two weeks later because I was not about to let someone else win MY first place all-around.

This time has been different than my past injuries. I have stayed down. I have listened to my body. I have allowed others to serve me. I have learned a lot of amazing lessons these past 20 weeks. I am grateful for them and want to record them so I will always remember them.

• I have amazing kids. The first few weeks were really rough and I thought I might go berserk at the amount of fighting and uncompleted work, but since then, they have really stepped up to the plate and figured out how to take care of an injured mom, help one another, and get most of the work of the house done. I am proud of them and grateful for them.
• I am blessed with wonderful friends who are willing to sacrifice to come to the rescue time and time again. We have been fed delicious food, driven to and fro, had cleaning projects done, and been prayed for. They have taken me to multiple doctor visits, held my hand through injections, dressed my naked bod, held me while I sobbed my eyes out, listened to all my ranting and raving, and in all ways been present with me as I have traversed these past months.
• Pain is not always an accurate indicator of injury. Some days I hurt so bad I just lie in bed moaning and barely moving. Other days I am able to drive, walk, push a shopping cart, etc. I never know when I wake up in the morning what the day will bring. I am learning to not totally freak out on the bad days and to be grateful for the good days. Living in the moment…what a lesson.
• Submission. Once again, I am learning to submit to God’s plan for my life. I know He is using this time of slowness and injury to teach me and manifest His love for me. I know He is teaching me to trust Him, to allow His plans to unfold, and to learn to stop fighting Him.
• My family has been simply amazing. My mother and sister have both come multiple times and cleaned my house, caught up my laundry, cleaned my bedroom, stocked my fridge, and loved on all of us. They have been absolute life-savers!
• My extended family rocks! They have sent me love letters encouraging me to keep my chin up, joined my family history project, and prayed for me. I am so grateful to have my huge, extended family!
• I have learned I can do hard things. Really hard things. Submitting to the ozone injections has taken more courage than I thought I had. I am grateful to have come face to face with this debilitating fear and conquer it…not with much grace, but still I have hopped back on the table time and time again and with someone’s hand to hold, I have made it through.
• I have learned I may never heal all the way. I am working on being okay with that.
• I have learned that a functioning body is a gift. A gift I hope to never take for granted again.
• I have learned compassion for people in chronic pain.
• I have learned to be more contemplative and less chaotic.
• There is nothing to be embarrassed about if you have to lie down in a restaurant booth…or eat standing up in the bar.
• Connection with other human beings feeds my soul.
• I have learned, once again, that people are good. So very good. I want to be full of charity and good works just like those who have blessed me.
• I have learned small acts of kindness make a huge difference in the outlook of one who is hurting. Many times a person’s kind word or smile or plate of cookies has made all the difference in my ability to have hope.
• I have learned my ancestors know who I am and are speaking to me. It has been an incredible experience of opening my heart up to them. I am so, so grateful to be able to have this journey. It is one I never imagined I would take.
• Last, but not least, I have been shown, once again, that my Richard is a true hero. He has supported me each step of the way with a more love than I can absorb. He works long hours, but as soon as he is home he goes into Let’s-Make-Tracy-Feel-Pampered mode and does everything he can to take away the pain, lift my spirit, and make the house run smoothly. He has listened to me completely give up and brought me back to a place of hope. He has held me while I cried, replaced my ice packs at all hours of the night, and walked forward with faith that I have sometimes lacked. He has loved me in a way I did not know was possible. I want to learn to love as he loves.

This injury has lasted far longer than I expected. I often think back to my run on February 17th. I felt so strong as I ran around the greenbelt. I remember the sun shining on my face and the slight breeze that cooled my face. I remember the geese watching me and the inner determination I felt to run well. I remember thinking I would actually be a runner and that it would change my life. Instead, I was injured just a few days later and it has changed my life. And for that, I am grateful.

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payoff

Jun 18, 2012 by tracy

I love my oldest daughter. She is an amazing reservoir of truth and commitment to God. She is passionate about freedom. She feels deeply. She teaches me about goodness.

She also drives me crazy. We see the world in very different ways and we function in very different ways. This has caused us problems for about 10 years. Sometimes we both think we may lose our minds in the middle of a conversation…and sometimes we do. In spite of all this, we also can giggle ourselves silly, especially if it is after 11:00 p.m.

Many times our conversations are strained and full of expectations that neither of us can meet for the other. Many times we end up hurting the other person’s heart. Many times we cry. It is hard parenting someone who is so different than I am and I mess up on a daily basis…which also breaks my heart.

See, she and I were inseparable until she was about six years old. At that point, something changed and we have never known why. Something deep down inside her shifted and our former connectedness vanished. She no longer trusted me. She no longer believed me. At first we thought she must have been sexually abused because she was behaving in a classic abused-child manner. Then we decided she must be suffering because reading was so difficult for her and the pain she was displaying was in relation to that struggle. Three years later we found out she was being bossed and bullied and in many ways abused by a young girl in our church congregation…and had been since we moved there. Through many, many conversations we have figured out the underlying reason our relationship has been so strained. Although we moved away from that area as soon as we discovered the situation, we did not protect her from it…and she has placed the blame for that lack of protection on me. Since that time she has not allowed me to touch her, to show compassion for her, to let me inside her heart. She has had a big wall and I think it has hurt me so deeply that I have allowed my own wall to build.

My husband has been studying the Simply Healed model of energy healing and has been seeing clients for a few weeks now. He has also been able to work with us – yeah for being guinea pigs! The results have been amazing! She has changed so dramatically since her first session. She is far more cheerful, far more likely to take responsibility for her actions, far more excited about life, far more loving, far more patient…and she let me touch her! I am thrilled to pieces.

The best part? This morning when she left for Girls’ Camp I told her “I love you to the moon and back” and she responded with a huge smile “I love you as big as the universe!”

This is huge. We are healing. What a gift.

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shifting gears

May 22, 2012 by tracy

I am a bubbley, outgoing (kind of in-your-space), fun, loving, loud person. I have lots of energy and I love to share it. I love to bring people together and have a great time. I love to connect with people. As long as I have been aware of myself this is how I have been.

But things have shifted. I can’t imagine that it is a permanent shift, but it feels permanent right now. It feels like my life has been so dramatically altered that I almost don’t even know that other person who is the life of the party.

I have shifted into something somber. Not depressed, not angry, but carrying a load of seriousness that has never been inside me before.

This all started back in March when Jessica and Kat took me on the save-Tracy-and-have-a-load-of-fun trip. I received a Priesthood blessing that poured down into my soul and gave me an entirely new perspective on my life. After that blessing, I knew I needed to do the genealogy work for my father’s ancestors. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life and although I knew the Spirit of God had spoken to me and given me a direct command, I was still reticent. It took me another two and a half weeks to work up my courage to actually start. Each day that passed I felt the weight settling in on me…the responsibility and the privilege of knowing God was asking ME to do something specific was a bit overwhelming. See, I know He asks each of us to walk in His path, love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, forgive, love, and give our heart to Him and I strive to implement those practices in my daily life, but I am like most Christians in that those things are an ongoing task…an ongoing becoming…that feels critical, but not exactly imperative to happen right.this.minute. It also felt quite different from other specific actions He has directed me to do. For example, when I was pregnant with Blythe we were given a clear prompting that we were to homeschool her. Although we didn’t understand why and it felt like an enormous undertaking, it also felt like a grand adventure that would take place over eons of time, certainly not something that I needed to have happen right.this.minute. Many times I have been prompted to go say hello to someone or to take someone something or give someone money or something like that. Those things too, have felt important, essential even, but they didn’t feel like this. They didn’t feel like my whole soul was consumed. They didn’t feel like my whole world depended on obedience. They didn’t feel so much.

But this does. It feels all-consuming, like every phone call, every conversation, every other task is pulling me from where my soul has gone. I feel like I am living in one place and my body is inhabiting another and I don’t know how to bring it all back together again. I can’t sleep – I stay up all night doing genealogy or thinking about genealogy. I have been working on this for about four weeks (really only three since I couldn’t do anything while I was gone for 10 days) and I have hundreds of names put into my family tree.

My heart is full of love for these people that I am coming to know through the dates and places of their lives and I find it hard to have enough of me to give to the people around me in the here and now. I am careful to focus on my children and to read with them and snuggle and listen, but everything else kind of feels superfluous right now and I don’t know how to fix that. I want to give my whole soul to everyone I meet…I always have…but right now, I can’t. Right now, most of my soul’s energy is taken up with this mission to find my ancestors.

So if you see me or talk to me and I am not my normal self, please know I am okay, I have just shifted gears. I think I will be back…sometime.

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the day after mother’s day

May 14, 2012 by tracy

I spent this Mother’s Day cooped up in a little car, driving about 600 miles (well, Richard did the driving, I did the moaning, sleeping, and constant rearranging of pillows under my hips in a pitiful attempt to make myself comfortable) and returning to our home from being out of town for ten days. As we drove, I was aware it was Mother’s Day, but I didn’t think too much about it. I was focused on my mission of making it home without hurting my hip too badly and reuniting with my children. Fisher and Annes gave me two roses, red and pink, and a new journal. Keziah gave me a caramel apple and made a cute Mother’s Day sign for my door. Blythe changed my sheets and made my bed up with all the pillows in place. Lovely gifts and I was thoroughly surprised by all of them because I wasn’t really in the Mother’s Day mindset. Today, though, is another matter. Today my mind and heart are full of motherhood thoughts.

First, I thought of my own motherhood. I thought of how it has changed me and helped (forced?) me to become a more thoughtful, more giving person. I thought of my hopes and dreams for my life and how they never, not once, involved children. In my past life, I simply had no desire to be “bothered” by children. I thought of how grateful I am that God sent me Richard and how his gentle, stable ways softened my heart and gave me a different vision of what my life could be. I thought back to the sweltering day of Blythe’s birth and how instantly and completely my heart was transformed into a Mother-Heart.

Then, I started thinking of all the others in my life who have blessed me with their Mother-Hearts. My own mother has infused me with courage, determination, and a belief in goodness that has carried me through the experiences, good and bad, of my life. My mother has never had the safe companionship that I have with my Richard. She has never shared faith, hopes, or dreams with her husband. She has never felt cherished. And yet, she perseveres and her example of enduring has taught me more than she will ever know. Now that I am a little older, we are dear friends and I can’t really imagine going through a single day without talking to her. She is my biggest fan and supports me in all I do. Aside from her mothering, she is a rock-star grandma. She is absolutely in love with her six grandchildren and spends as much time as she can with them. She plays with them, reads to them, spoils them with ice cream, takes them swimming, listens to their bug stories, lets them sleep with her, allows Annes to rub her, comes to their special events, and believes in them. She is the most involved grandma I have ever seen and I am full of gratitude that she is able to give so much of her heart to them.

My grandmother taught me how to live a noble life and she loved me so deeply that my heart has a never-ending supply of legal love tender. Because of her I will never be bankrupt in the love department. My grandma’s influence will be felt for generations. Her example of Christlike living will be carried on through her hundreds of grandchildren and great-grandchildren and thousands of people will end up being blessed by her Mother-Heart.

I spent the past week with another grandma of mine…a grandma I got when my mom married her son when I was twelve years old. I have always loved her, but have never spent much time with her. This week we stayed up late talking about life and love and God and family. We giggled. We worked on my genealogy. We ate scrumptious food. We got to know each other as grown women and we fell in love with each other all over again.

I thought of the mothers on my father’s side, none of whom I know, but who I am coming to appreciate. I thought of their suffering and what their lives must have been like…and I became ever more grateful for my own life.

I started thinking about the countless women who nurtured me during my tumultuous growing up years. Women who loved me, taught me, and sacrificed for me. I honestly don’t know that I could have made it out of teenage-hood alive if it weren’t for the women in my small town who adopted me right into their lives and helped me shoot for the best that was within me.

I thought of my husband’s mother and how grateful I am for her and the amazing son she raised. Her choices to live the gospel, to love her children, and to teach them well bless my life every day. I thought of her struggles and triumphs and wanted to rush right over to her home and give her a great big hug.

I thought of the women who surround me now and who have mentored me in mothering. I am full to the brim with gratitude to have a support network of dedicated mothers who are striving to create strong, healthy, FUN-ctional families.

Finally, as I sit here typing, I am thinking of my children. I love them. Fiercely. I am so grateful for each of their powerful spirits and how their presence in my life teaches me lessons I need every single day. I am so grateful to be not only a mother, but their mother. These children who have been entrusted to my care are good, strong, vibrant spirits who allow me to share my heart with them. I thought of the ten babies who we have miscarried and sent them my love, knowing that somehow they will get my care package.

Right now, Blythe is mowing, Keziah is cleaning the yard, Fisher is at reading lessons, and Annesley is sleeping…and I am crying with a heart so full of love for them I think sometimes it might burst. I have given my life to them and yes, it is absolutely worth it.

I am grateful for all the Mother-Hearts out there…every single one of them is needed…and no, you don’t have to be a mother to have a Mother-Heart…you just have to love.

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horizontal road trip

Mar 29, 2012 by tracy

I have THE BEST friends in the world. I am so, so blessed to have a huge circle of women friends. Two of them, Kat and Jessica, took me on a road trip to find answers for this hip issue. I am still recovering from the whirlwind of events, emotions, and deeply moving experiences and am not ready to talk about it yet, but Jess posted a hilarious write-up and I love her words so much I could kiss her.

Someday, I may be up to sharing the story, but until then, you can read Jessica’s version and laugh yourself silly.

p.s. Thank you K & J…you are more dear to my heart than I can ever express…but you know that already, right?

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Rewind and Move Forward

Dec 31, 2011 by tracy

I didn’t get a Christmas Letter (or even a Christmas card) mailed this year. I think it has actually been several years since I have done so. I love receiving letters and pictures from friends and family, but it is such an incredibly difficult task for me, that I gave up somewhere around the time of Annesley’s birth…which would make sense since she would have been four weeks old at Christmas of 2008 and I wasn’t up to doing much of anything.

It isn’t the writing that is difficult…it is the stamp buying, the envelope addressing, the getting to the Post Office to actually get them in the mail. The details! I am not good with details. I am good with the big stuff and I fall apart on the details. I am working to conquer that though. Perhaps ‘conquer’ is too strong a word there…maybe ‘slightly improve’ would be more apt.

Anyway, imagine you got a lovely card from us with all of us smiling and having open eyes at the same time (never has happened in all our years of family life) and imagine it came somewhere around December 15th and you hung it up in your house and have been looking at it for the last several weeks thinking how adorable we all are. Big stretch, I know, but I trust you all have very active imaginations.

Now it is New Year’s Eve and I have half of my family with me at my mom’s while the other half is back home hosting a New Year’s Eve party at our home. Yesterday Annesley had a dentist appointment in Salt Lake for a large cavity I found a few days ago. While we were there, we found out she needed more dental work and that they had a cancellation on Monday, so we decided to stay down here instead of having to come all the way back in the next few weeks. It is a strange experience to be separated on New Year’s Eve instead of playing games together.

Since you didn’t get a Christmas letter, here is a look back at 2011. It is written for three groups of people.
1. Those of you who can’t get enough of us!
2. Those who missed the happenings of our life the first time around because you are busy living your own.
3. Those of you who are not one of my regular blog readers.

January

Eve, my cousin Camille’s daughter, came to live with us for four months so she could attend classes at iFamily. We had a wonderful time with her and hope she can come and stay with us again. Her stay brought back so many memories of Camille and I living with each other as children. I am so grateful our mothers let us be together so much. Our friendship has been going strong for 30+ years and has sustained both of us through thick and thin.

Richard worked long hours and was never home when the sun was shining. He thought he may give in to physical and emotional collapse and the rest of us thought we might lose our minds without him.

I taught a second semester of my Math Alive! class to children at iFamily. We spent a whole semester studying Archimedes, recreating his experiments, building his tools, and ending the semester with a Catapult Contest.

Blythe auditioned for iShakespeare Live’s Spring Play and was awarded two roles. One as a musician playing background violin music and one as a servant. She also helped teach a knitting class and took a Logic and Debate class.

February

I got terribly ill and was in bed for several days and thanks to several friends bringing dinner that week, our children were able to eat.

My dear friend, Delinda, birthed her fifth baby in a glorious show of courage and faith and I was blessed to doula her through her birth once again. She was my first official doula client and I have attended all of her births. She is an amazing woman of God who has taught me much about walking with Christ, leading through love, and fully partnering with her husband in family life.

We baked a gazillion sugar cookies on Valentine’s Day, chased a moose, and then I went to bed with crazy thoughts of “bad-wifehood” because I completely forgot to do anything for my sweetie for Valentine’s.

We read A Tale of Two Cities and LOVED it. What an amazing author Mr. Dickens is. I learn so much about myself and human nature every time I immerse myself in one of his books.

March

We started off the month by taking 80 youth to see A Tale of Two Cities at Hale Centre Theatre in Salt Lake City. It was an amazing experience to share one of my favorite places with youth I adore. The youth were transformed by the performance and were able to really feel the power of the stage to communicate with people’s hearts.

We celebrated Richard’s 41st birthday with lemon meringue pie, homemade presents, and lots of love. He and I are growing older and while we may not be as spry as we once were, we are still madly in love.

We started a dejunking project that lasted about three days instead of the forty I had planned and I realized once again that I am terrible at actually sticking with anything.

Blythe’s days were full of Shakespeare as rehearsals moved into high gear for the production in April and the rest of our family’s schedule revolved around her schedule. Allowing a child to participate in a huge production is a gift of time, energy, and lots of support from the rest of the family. It is worth it, but it is taxing on everyone involved.

Once again, we attended the TJED Forum in Salt Lake City and had a wonderful time. My mom came down and grandmothered all over our children while Richard, Blythe, and I attended classes all day. Then we all danced the night away at the Family Ball. This is one of our favorite events of the year and we are so grateful to my mom for making it special for our little ones so we can attend classes without worrying how they are doing.

The rest of the month was filled with grief for my friends and clients, Jacob and Natasha, whose baby, Daniel, passed away during labor. As Christmas rolls around, I am thinking of them once again and wondering how I can make their hearts lighter. I know it must be incredibly difficult to not have a baby in their arms at this time.

April

April was Shakespeare time. Rehearsals, rehearsals, rehearsals ruled our lived. It was so fun to see the play come together and to observe the transformation of youth into real actors who put on an amazing show. The performances started toward the end of April and continued on through the first week of May. The directors, stage crew, actors, and parents deserved a week at a spa after all the long hours they put in to creating a first-class performance for our community. I am so grateful Blythe had this experience!

Mid-April I discovered a strange sensation moving through my breast. It got stronger and more intense until it consumed most of my waking thoughts…and most of my sound asleep ones as well.

Once again, we held a Passover Seder at our home. Keri’s and Jessica’s families joined us as we lit the candles, recounted the history of the Children of Israel, ate the ritual foods, hid the afikomen, and invited Elijah to join us. This is our most cherished holiday and even though it is a ton of work, it is totally worth it.

The Passover Table before we start eating and making a ginormous mess.

Our Passover guests

May

On May 1st, I found a lump in my right breast. This was confirmed to be an abnormal growth at a Clinical Breast Exam a few days later. This began a journey in search of truth about my body, my faith, my beliefs, my emotions, and my courage. It is a journey I never want to go on again, but one I am grateful for. I learned much about myself, about God, about goodness, about the power of family, the support of friends, and the depth of communion. I learned to submit my will. I learned I am in God’s hands. You can read all about my journey with and past my lump right here.

We also celebrated my 37th birthday during the first week of May. My mom took me clothes shopping, Mikelle and mom did a make-up intervention on me, (apparently I was wearing make-up that was out-of-date, the wrong colors, the wrong type for my skin, and just altogether WRONG!), a big group of us went to the Mindy Gledhill concert and had piles of Asphalt Pie, and then Mikelle treated me to a new haircut. Fabulous week surrounded by friends, family, gifts, and fun!

Blythe’s vocal group had their spring recital. It was the same night as the homeschool prom so most of the girls wore their formals to the recital. They did an amazing job on both their group and individual musical numbers. Blythe loves singing and it is so fun to hear her singing throughout the day. She usually studies for awhile and then practices her violin, they studies some more, then practices her voice work. Back and forth all day long. I am so grateful she is surrounded by music that she loves.

On Memorial Day, our black lab, Sadie, gave birth to nine puppies on Keziah’s bedroom floor surrounded by our four children and six of Tami’s. The next several months were filled with barking, pooping, nursing, wrestling, snuggling, and adopting. It was a lot of work!

June

We started off the month of June with our 8th Annual Homeschool Swim Camp. It is always so much fun to camp, swim, and play with our friends for a whole week.

Blythe attended the Climb Your Mountain Youth Conference with many of her friends and had a wonderful experience learning more about herself, leadership, and how to become who she wants to be.

The rest of the month was filled with doctor’s appointments, lots of tears, amazing blessings, and an outpouring of love from our friends and family.

July

July was a busy, busy month. We started it off with Independence Day festivities full of picnics, fireworks, parades, and family. The children all sang in the Celebration of Liberty’s Tribute program and little Annesley stole the show in front of thousands of people by singing and dancing her little heart out front and center on the stage. She loves watching herself on the video over and over again. I think she may have a future in show business.

For the first time in my life, we missed my big family reunion. I was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, that I could not get myself to go. Instead, I stayed home and worked on my 21-day cleanse.

Blythe attended her fourth year of Girls’ Camp and then travelled to southern Utah to attend YFF (Youth For Freedom) youth conference. She had an amazing experience and can’t wait to attend this next year as well.

The next week after that we were blessed to be able to attend MAT (Music, Art, and Technology) Camp in Wyoming. I was able to work for the camp throughout the week to pay for our tuition. It was a lot of work, but completely worth it to help my children and our friend, Alanna, have a week of fabulous instruction from top musicians on their violins and flutes, and with art, singing, and dancing. SO MUCH FUN!

The morning after we got home from MAT Camp, I went to the hospital to have the lump removed and tested. I spent a long week in bed, had a terrible two week bout with anesthesia-caused dizziness, and found out the lump was benign. We were thrilled it wasn’t cancer, but not so thrilled to be told I am at enormous (almost 600% increased) risk of developing breast cancer because of the large amounts of estrogen being stored in my breasts.

August

The big news of August is always our annual camping trip to Green River Lakes.

We celebrated Blythe’s 15th Birthday. It is amazing to me that she is fifteen and that her days in my home are growing short. Somehow I didn’t see this phase of life coming. I have been in a baby-in-my-arms stage for so long that it feels really strange to have a daughter on the cusp of driving, dating, moving out, etc. I am not ready for all of this, but I am proud of the young woman she is and am grateful to be her mama.

The rest of the month was spent recovering from surgery, recovering from camping, getting ready for the classes we were teaching and taking at iFamily, helping all the iFamily members to get registered, rearranging the school room so our learning space would work well for us this year, and trying to spend some time in the sunshine.

I organized another Lava Hot Springs Day for our homeschool group and loved sitting in the shallow end of the pool for about 8 straight hours. My arm and breast were still so sore that I could not do much more than that. First time I didn’t go down the slides or jump off the platforms, but my children had a wonderful time with their friends and Fisher worked up his courage to jump off the diving boards.

Keziah hired our friend, Kat, to help her with a sewing project and it turned out adorable.

By some miracle, I was able to get my bomb-gone-off-debris-is-everywhere bedroom clean, but was completely unable to conquer my bathroom and closet. That space took me another four months and was finally finished on December 23.

September

For some reason, I can’t really remember anything much about September. Hmmmmm.

Oh yes, we did celebrate Fisher’s 7th birthday. He is growing up and is so stinkin’ adorable when we can get a real smile out of him. He cracks me up with his funny faces, hilarious statements, crooked smile out the side of his mouth, and his many creations. He is constantly building or exploring or dreaming about doing one or the other.

We also decided to put on Make It For Maggie again, which is an annual fundraiser we started in 2010 as part of Maggie’s Month to raise money for our friend, Maggie Palmer. This year, we raised money for both Maggie and a family in my ward who have three boys with a seizure disorder.

I think the rest of the month was spent adjusting to our fall schedule of iFamily, violin lessons, gymnastics classes, and Richard’s crazy work schedule. During the summer he only worked 45-55 hours, but as soon as school started again he was back to leaving before 6 a.m. and getting home after 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. six days a week. It is incredibly difficult to have him gone so much, but we are grateful for his hard work, the blessing of him staying fairly healthy and able to keep up such a demanding schedule, and his enjoyment of us when he is able to be home.

One of Blythe’s biggest dreams came true when she was able to buy a violin that is properly sized for her AND one she loves. She was gifted some violin money and she used all of her savings to make up the difference. She has loved practicing on her new violin and has made significant progress. We are so grateful for the money she was given to make her dream come true. Another dream came true for her when we let her start taking a karate class. She had been studying various martial arts for several years and has probably read forty or fifty books on the subject, so she was thrilled when we found a class that would work for her and for the rest of us.

I started teaching two Worldviews classes, one for youth and one for adults. We are studying six different worldviews, defining our own worldview and having lots of fabulous discussions. It is challenging for me to spend so much time in study and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to share myself with my students.

Keziah also taught a class at iFamily for 3-6 year olds. She planned out an entire semester of art projects, storytimes, singing time, games, and treats…and she did it all by herself. It was amazing to see her get an idea and completely own it. She enjoyed teaching so much she has created another class for this upcoming semester.

October

October was full of Make It For Maggie fundraising work, but we also found time to celebrate Keziah’s 11th birthday with a trip to Salt Lake and General Conference and our 18th anniversary. Our date that night started out less than stellar because I had such a bad attitude, but through humor and patience, we turned it around into one of our favorite dates ever.

Make It For Maggie turned out to be a huge success! Through the generosity and hard work of our family and friends we were able to raise $3200 for the Palmer and Lear families. It was super-duper exciting and brought us so much joy to be able to bring people together for a day of wonderful classes, delicious food, charitable giving, gobs of love, and loads of laughter. Next year will be even better!

Miss Maggie

Some attendees

Kat at the microphone and my adorable self holding the sign.

November

In November I started two big projects. First, I learned how to make whole-wheat sourdough bread and have now been making it consistently for two months! Second, I started a giant blog overhaul. I couldn’t stand to look at my site another minute and consequently I didn’t sleep for several days while I worked on it. It still isn’t finished, but it is SO much more adorable and fun for me to write on now that I can stand to look at it again. I am hoping to get it all complete during January.

We focused on art and artists all month long. We are learning to not beat ourselves up when our pictures don’t turn out perfectly and how to enjoy creating and exploring different mediums.

We also started studying Columbus and the world during the 1400’s. We have already learned so much and look forward to our history read-aloud time each day.

At the end of the month, we went to my sister’s home for Thanksgiving and also celebrated Annesley’s 4th birthday. We were squished into a little apartment, played games all day (and much of the night), and had enough food to feed an army. So FUN!

December

December was spent cleaning, listening to audio books, and carrying out our secret Christmas projects. Our home has been in desperate need of attention for a very long time, but it is not all that enjoyable to me and there are many things pressing for my time and attention, so deep house cleaning is often at the bottom of my list. We spent every available (and many non-available!) moment cleaning, decluttering, and rearranging. I’m sad to say my children are all ‘cleaned out’ and I don’t know if they will recover any time soon. All this cleaning was for two reasons. I knew that December (when I am not teaching at iFamily) was the only time I would be able to devote a significant amount of time to it before May and I couldn’t handle my family all coming to spend time at our home after Christmas and not being able to enjoy themselves with the house in such disarray. I’m thrilled to say signiicant progress was made. All the bedrooms and bathrooms were dejunked and completely organized (including mine!!!!!!!!!). The laundry room was cleaned and rearranged to better meet our needs (and I solved the problem of the leak!). The dining room was cleaned as well as the school room, the area under the stairs, the kitchen, and the family room. We still need to conquer the garage and the storage room and the sewing room needs some attention, but I am proud of the hard work we have put in.

The other exciting news for December is I sewed an adorable Advent Calendar…a dream I have had for years. It took me a LONG time, a lot of tears, and some serious coaching from Kat, but I did it!

We have had family at our home all week long and I am exhausted from the late nights, but am so grateful for the Rook games, laughter and middle-of-the-night talks under blankets with my cousins, and great times with my siblings and mama. I am so grateful people drove from all over to come and spend time with us. It means the world to me that they love me enough to come.

As this year draws to a close, I am full of gratitude. Gratitude for the lessons my Father in Heaven has taught us, and especially me, this year. Gratitude for the nurturing love of my husband. Gratitude for the amazingness of my children and their ability to forgive me and love me. Gratitude for the many, many people who have served our family in ways both large and small. At times, the “angels” in our lives have literally been God’s hands in providing food, gas, heat, and most importantly, hope. We have been blessed beyond all our understanding and although we often don’t know who has been serving us, we pray for them and hope they will know how precious they are to us.

I am glad 2011 is over. It brought with it lessons that needed to be learned, joys that needed to be felt, friends that needed to be loved, and family that needed to be savored. But now, I am ready to move on to 2012. I don’t know what it will bring, but I step forward with increased knowledge of who God is, how He works in our lives, and a deeper sense of peace that we are in His hands. I am ready to love more fully, live more in the now, and trust more in His care. I am ready to be a more dedicated disciple of my Savior, to serve more, to know more, to listen more, and to BE more.

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thankful thursdays 11/24

Nov 24, 2011 by tracy

Here it is – my annual Thanksgiving Day Thankful Thursdays post (except it is a few days late – please forgive!)

• I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful to know I am a literal child of God, a beloved daughter of the Almighty. As I have been studying various worldviews the past few months, I have been filled with gratitude for this knowledge. I think it must be rather depressing to believe that humans do not have a Creator or a plan for their lives. I know I was created as a daughter of God to come to earth at this time and learn the lessons I need to become like my Father in Heaven. This knowledge is the foundation of my everything I am and do and I don’t know that I would last one day without this knowledge.
• I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus the Christ. I am thankful for His willingness to take the sins, sorrows, pain, and suffering of each of His Father’s children upon Him so He could offer an infinite atonement for our sins, succor our sorrows, understand our pain, and be with us completely in our suffering. I am grateful for the opportunity to repent of the things I do wrong and for His gentle voice guiding me to a life of peace, trust, faith, and happiness. I am grateful to know He loves me and to not only know it with my head, but to feel it with my heart. I am grateful to be able to give my burdens to Him. I am grateful for His redeeming love, His endless mercy, and his all-encompassing holiness. These things fill me with a hope that is soul-sustaining and peace that is not explainable.
• I am grateful for my husband. I cannot do justice to my feelings for him with mere words. He listens to my fears and helps me see through them. He calms my tears with his words of comfort. He sees a vision of what I can be and has devoted himself to helping me see that vision too…and then to become it. He believes in me. He values my ideas. He is committed to our marriage. He keeps his covenants. He loves me. He is so much more than I ever dreamed of. He is kind to others. He is forgiving. He sees the best in the world. He is patient. He is an amazing kisser. He is not dismayed or discouraged by my inadequacies as a wife and mother. He is funny. His heart is pure. I love him.
• I am grateful for my children. I have been blessed with the sacred stewardship of mothering four amazing souls. Each of them have blessed my life immeasurably. Through mothering, I learn about God’s plan for me. I learn how to love, to serve, to give my life to make their lives better. I begin to understand a little more about Him and His love for His children. I am grateful to be part of a family where we are dependent on one another and we must learn to work and laugh together in order to be happy. I am grateful to be an in-the-trenches mother who is here day-in and day-out and not a career-driven-woman who has a trophy child raised by a nanny or daycare. I am grateful to know I am guided in my mothering decisions by a God who knows my children, their needs, and their missions far better than I do.
• I am grateful for my mom and dad. They gave me a great foundation for my life in so many ways. They adored me. They taught me. They played with me. They coached my teams, drove me to practices, cheered me on in all my numerous endeavors, believed in my dreams, and helped me achieve them. They taught me that I was something special and I could do anything I wanted to do if I worked hard enough. They still do.
• I am grateful for music and its power to reach deep down inside my soul and speak truth to the innermost parts of me.
• I am grateful for a home that protects us from the elements, allows us to acquire books and clothes and food so we can spend time thinking instead of living in survival mode where the next thought is only about how to find food and shelter. I am grateful for the space we have to learn. I am grateful for the land we live on and the great blessing my children have of exploring and playing outdoors. I am grateful to not have neighbors ten feet away from me that can hear all the goings-on of my life. I am grateful to be surrounded by good neighbors that let me borrow some eggs, plow out my driveway, and love on my children.
• I am grateful for mountains. Not only are they beautiful to look at, they inspire me to greatness.
• I am grateful for trees. I love hearing the leaves rustle, the birds chirp, and the squirrels run up and down. I love sitting in their shade. I love walking through the forest. I love seeing the trees at my mom’s house. She has tended to them for the last 30 years and they are finally getting big (it is a rather difficult task to get anything to grow in the high mountain plains of Wyoming where the growing season is about 6 weeks and the dirt is rock solid). They inspire me to plant some trees on my plot of land and trust that my grandchildren will get to play in their shade, eat of their fruit, and rake up their leaves.
• I am grateful for a body that works well. It is such a blessing to be able to walk, run, see, hear, lift, touch, smell, birth, eat, process waste products, taste, sleep, breathe, and laugh…all without much trouble at all.
• I am grateful to be me. I have gobs of faults and a myriad of weaknesses, but I like myself. I have a heart that wants to do good, a zany side of me that is a lil’ bit hard to take, and a gentle side that does a fabulous job nurturing babies and new mamas. I like to think and I like to be silly, which seems to be an interesting combination. I like doing hard things. I love others. I come face to face with my inadequacies every day and sometimes they get me down, but usually I am able to take them for what they are and make the best of it (or the worst of it, as the case may be!). I can usually laugh at myself. I am stubborn and difficult to live with and have a hard time letting go of an idea. All of these things (and many more!) make up me and I am grateful I am who I am.
• I am grateful for the meals my gymnastics students make for our family in trade for tuition. These meals make my life SO MUCH EASIER! Thank you to each of you that bless our home with your delicious food!
• I am grateful for my plethora of friends. It is so wonderful to have people to laugh with and cry with, to create with and work with, to learn with, to change the world with. I am so grateful to be surrounded by women who support my dreams and inspire me to become better. I am grateful to be able to call them in the middle of the night. I am grateful to be accepted, loved, and understood. I am so richly blessed by the women and families in my life.
• I am grateful for the sun. Not only does it give us heat, it gives us beauty. God could have made our planet get warm in lots of other ways, but He chose to give us a sun that puts on a majestic display as it nears the horizon.
• I am also grateful for the moon. Right now it is a sliver laying on its right hand side. Looking at it does something deep down in my soul…gives me some measure of peace that all things are in order and in their proper place. Just now Keziah said “Mom, look at the moon, it is adorable.” I should say it is. I also love that my mom has a love affair with the moon. She calls us fairly regularly to tell us to run outside and look at the moon. Because of this, my children all love studying the moon and calling their grandma when it looks interesting to them.
• I am grateful for Orion. This grouping of stars gives me courage. I can’t explain it, I just love looking at it. I kind of feel like a warrior for truth. Do you love Orion…or is this just something my mom and I share?
• I am grateful for my big extended family. It is ginormous. I know in 1982, when they did a family census, there were over a thousand people descended from them. Almost thirty years later, I have no idea how many of us there are. When I was little we had an annual reunion down at the homestead of my great-great grandparents and hundreds and hundreds of people would camp out in the fields of their ranch, gather under the giant parachute to eat their meals, dance in the barn, and march in the Pioneer Day parade. My grandma was raised in that little two-room cabin, sometimes with 21 people living in it, and 5000 chickens out back. Growing up nearby that land, surrounded by relatives was one of the greatest blessings of my life. We moved to the town of my pioneer roots when I was seven and I have been thankful ever since. I felt part of something bigger than myself. I felt I had roots that I could count on and expectations to live up to. I had people who loved me….lots of them.
• I am grateful for flushing toilets and a working septic system. What a blessing sanitation is!
• I am grateful for washing machines, dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators, freezers, heaters, electricity, computers, the internet, and all sorts of other technology that make our lives easier, our communication faster, and our ability to effect change in this world greatly increased.
• I am grateful for my blog. I am thankful to have a place to share my thoughts; to get them out of head and more fully into my heart. As I write my thoughts down they become more real and more part of me. Additionally, it is a wonderful way for me to record the happenings of my life so my children have a record of who I am and what we did. An added bonus is the connection I get to make with other people and to be part of their lives as they spend their precious time reading my thoughts.
• I am grateful for the people in my life who love my children and help them, teach them, and encourage them. Mothering is a lot of work and while I reject the notion that it takes a village to raise a child, I believe that families are greatly blessed by the influence of others and I am so grateful for the hearts that have given much to my children.
• I am grateful for my books! The written word is a magical thing. Education, edification, the transfer of culture, the infusion of courage, and the power of myth are part of that magic. It has an enormous power to change the world. It has and it does…every single day. I am grateful to be living in an era where written language is easily accessible and books can be a such an integral part of our lives.
• I am grateful to have just had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family. We were blessed to have a wonderful meal (and a fridge full of leftovers), loads of laughter, and plenty of time to relax. I am grateful we were able to come (all of us, except for my brother Cameron, boo-hoo!) and enjoy being together.
• I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my lump. I am still working on that whole situation, but for now, I am immensely grateful it was benign and that I am here on this earth with my family.

I could go on and on for many more lines, but I will close this enormously long post by saying one more thing…thank you for being in my life and for taking the time to connect with me on here. The connections I make with my readers touch my heart and bring me joy. Thank you.

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angels among us

Oct 6, 2011 by tracy

I believe…in fact, I know there are angels among us. Some of them are earthly, some of them are heavenly. Some are with us for a short time, some bless us for an extended time. Right now, we have one (who knows? we probably have loads of them and just don’t know it) of the extended versions. Some precious soul out there loves us very much. Every once in a while, an envelope comes in the mail with a gift card to our local grocery store. Somehow these envelopes come right at the perfect time. Right when I have no idea how I am going to by milk, much less a cartload of groceries. Right when I am at my wit’s end trying to make my small budget make ends meet.

It’s simply amazing. The kindness overwhelms me. I have no idea who this angel is or why they are doing it. All I know is I want to hold them in my arms and tell them thank you, thank you, thank you. If by chance they read this blog, or if one of you lovely readers know who this is and could pass on our heartfelt gratitude, we would so appreciate it. Our family prays for this angel often. We pray for him or her to have financial blessings heaped upon them ten-fold and to be protected and watched over by our Heavenly Father. We also pray that we will one day be in a position that we can bless other’s lives as you have SO abundantly blessed ours.

Yes, I believe there are angels among us.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

To guide us with the light of love.

Thank you for being our angel. Words can never express how much your kindness has filled our hearts with hope, our bellies with food, and our souls with faith.

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the lesson of submission

Jun 16, 2011 by tracy

I have been learning much.

Learning that I can’t solve my problems.

Learning that I can’t control my life.

Learning that I have been far too prideful.

Learning that I am much too reliant on my own pitiful attempts to rescue myself.

Learning that it doesn’t matter how smart I am, how good I am, how angry I am, how deserving I am, how anything I am…I am not in charge, I can’t change my husband’s job, and I can’t change this lump in my breast.

Now, I am not saying I am powerless…I AM saying relying on my own strength, tenacity, brains, or anything else of MY own won’t work.

I have had to give this all to God and let Him change things.

I have had to submit…in some ways it is the most frightening experience of my life.

It is also the most humbling.

Several weeks ago, I was told that because my mammogram results came back clear, I was no longer eligible to receive funding through the Early Breast and Cervical Cancer Screening Program. Since then, I have made countless phone calls, had numerous appointments with specialists in a variety of fields, and been researching till the cows come home…actually far later into the night than when the cows come home. Through all this study, I have decided that the mammogram results are not accurate due to my dense breast tissue and that I need to pursue further testing.

The Screening Program said they would absolutely not pay for any other appointments and they would certainly not pay for the $5,000 biopsy. No way around it. I did not meet the guidelines to continue with further testing and there was nothing I could do about it.

I have pondered fundraising ideas. Bake sales, selling my beloved bike, my cello, some of my books, creating some sort of new business that could quickly raise the money needed. Ideas have poured through my head and all of it was completely overwhelming. I knew I wasn’t up to doing anything that large or that quickly. I am tired. Each day is a struggle to get through and there is just not enough of me to get it all done.

For years, I have thought if I just worked harder, stayed up later, smiled more, or involved more people, I could solve whatever problem is in front of me. For the last four years, I have been learning that I can’t solve our financial problems. I can’t magically give Richard a new job. I can’t give him more hours with us. I can’t go back in time. But, I have made myself miserable and exhausted by taking the weight of that burden on and trying to solve it and feeling the weight of guilt and torment that has gotten us here. I have beat myself up over and over and OVER. I have distanced myself from God because I have felt so absolutely unworthy of His love. I have sobbed into my pillow all night long more times than I can count because the pain is so unbearable. I have not allowed the atonement to work in my life…all because of debt and poor choices and guilt and not measuring up to my vision of a good steward.

Sometimes the reality of trying to get through the day feels like a boulder pressing down on my chest. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I try to escape into a book, but at the end of the last page, the problems are still in front of me. Sometimes I look into the eyes of my children and start crying because I can’t solve this problem.

I know God does not want me to feel this way. Yes, He wants us to be good stewards, but He does not want me to hate myself and be unwilling to accept His atonement because of my self-imposed guilt. My priesthood blessing of a few weeks ago helped me to feel and know His great love for me. It helped me to let go of the guilt and bask in His peace. Since then, I have felt His love on a daily basis. I have felt wrapped in His arms.

Many times, I am able to be comforted by the fact that innumerable miracles have fed, clothed, and sheltered us in the past four years since our business closed. Many times, I am able to remember hope. Many times I am functioning in a state of shock as my family and friends give me clothes, make-up, gas, food, trips to Utah, warm meals, books, and all the other wonderful things people have provided for us. Many times I am so embarrassed by the help people give us that I am unable to communicate and perhaps they don’t know how grateful I am and how perfectly timely their gifts have been. Many times, I know, absolutely know, that I am in God’s hands and that I need to trust.

But mostly, I still think I can solve everything.

This lump has taught me that I can’t. I can’t get rid of it. I can’t find out what it is on my own.

I can eat healthy foods. I can cleanse. I can relax. I can trust. I can simplify. I can try to fix the hormone imbalance.

But I can’t solve it.

I don’t know if anything I am saying is making sense. I am typing a million miles a minute and pouring my heart out into my keyboard and probably not really communicating the feelings of my soul. I hope someone can sense what I am saying.

Last night when I got home from having a wonderful time with my friends, Jessica and Jessica, I had a message from the screening program.

By some miraculous turn of events (and by miraculous, I mean miraculous…I’m sure there had to be some angelic intervention), they have decided to pay for another surgical consult AND the biopsy if it is necessary AND follow-up appointments.

I’m speechless.

I cried and cried last night. I do not deserve this. I haven’t earned it. It doesn’t make any sense.

But that is exactly how God works. I need to stop trying to earn His love and just love Him, just trust Him, just submit my willful, prideful, selfish self to Him.

The next miracle happened this morning.

Dr. Jones’ (the best breast cancer surgeon in our area) office called and said they had a cancellation for this afternoon and it was mine if I wanted it.

What??????

Generally they are booking appointments 4 – 6 weeks out.

Miracles are everywhere.

I am learning to submit to God’s plan for my life. It is hard, but I am learning that His hands are best place for me to be.

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